Jess finished up polying the cabinets tonight! Going to be a busy next 2 weeks. I haven’t left yet and its already surreal. We have gone on cool adventures before but this is a little different. We built a camper with our hands and get to drive 10,000 miles around the United States together, immersing ourselves deep in Mother Nature’s arms. The highway is calling…
Myron; a teardrop in laughter, sandpaper diaries, the tinkling of metal — loss. My one, my only. An unusual name imprinted on skin in white. My milestone, persistent root, stubborn child, my heart; I pray for wind to let us be and know we’ve lost already. Time’s commencement brought adulthood with a whisper fine as a hushing muzzle, finding you wild as the chervil named after you — the myron herb, naturally occurring, disastrously relinquishing, perfect for stomach aches and lethal for the heart.
I loved him; loved him deeply, more than life, more than the rarest moments of enjoying mornings with a cup of cocoa and a book on my tired lap; my dignity, my light, my mind, were insignificant as to the gift of grasping him, owning a moment shared with him to keep it cherished for eternity and never desire more.
He shaped my life around him, unintentionally as all curious unearthly beings do, and left. I matter not — and yet! What would he be without my eyes to see him as they do, I wonder, what would he have become if the kaleidoscope of our encounters hadn’t charmed him. What is he, now, in the present day, when he defines himself without me there to sprinkle this something over his forehead.
I’m rotating around nothingness, a pulsating gap awaiting to be filled with anything that may resemble him. Was it his long dark hair, that seems to be the attractive detail I admire on every man since then? Was it the unnerving way his eyes shone as if darkness always was a step away from swallowing him? There was darkness around him too, his pale and slender face expressionless most of the time because of it and yet uneasy when it came to living the desolation out.
He was my God, so I filled my room with posters of his name and wrote poems and tales for us to celebrate. The school yard shook and cracked to pieces when he appeared; I recall, as clearly as ever, as clearly as now, him running to catch a ball, his hair waving against the wind, his dark clothes making him stand out and forcing me stop still and observe what no one else had seen. He was meant for me, and I was meant to be his in ways we had not thought of yet. I existed to want him, I slept to dream of him, I woke in the morning to get a chance of having a glimpse of him at the school’s cafeteria. The poems I had written for him decorated my bedroom’s walls and soon I started dressing in black like he did. I knew, and never doubted, that he was everything. He did not know who I was.
I prayed to God for him to want me, I prayed to Satan too, I hid a voodoo wish list with his name under my pillow. At home, my father figure was a shadow appearing only every once in a while; at school, a man I had loved in the glimpse of a second was now my world. I couldn’t keep secrets, so classmates asked, what was so special about my love, what is the reason for my overreaction over my avowedly first crush. I derided them in my thoughts; girls over the ages have felt the same emotional vomit for boys again and again — this had been felt before by others, as first love is condemned to be love at first sight, and love at half sight, and love at no sight at all. Yet, none of their desires had ever been like mine, and my superiority shone inside me, filling me with anger for everyone else who would not get it.
Many girls had many boys but no one had him; in the years that came I could have told them, but it’d be hubris to explain the way my fingers tingled when they waved through his hair, or how his gaze would make my face burn, seeing right through me, knowing how broken I was even before he broke me. It is important to understand, how everyone told me I should not waste my time with him, including himself. My friends multiply exclaimed that he was problematic, which meant unexpectedly violent, and a nun working in my school advised me to go after books rather than boys like him.
“He is the one” I’d simply say, taught by my mother how finding the one and committing to him was crucial for a woman’s path. We hadn’t met, he didn’t know I loved him and was willing to sacrifice myself for him, even though no such sacrifice was ever mentioned by his side or needed. Soon the school ball came, hosted at C. Hotel, and I made my feelings known, convinced he would admire them and would happily be controlled by them.
Taking the hotel’s elevator up to the fourth floor, I entered the ballroom and after months of playing out our first encounter in my head, saw him at a distance. I approached him and told him everything I felt, wearing my newly bought clothes, which I had acquired only to impress him. “I don’t like you back, sorry,” he said, like any fourteen year old would have said to a younger flat chested girl. It was a tragedy, so I went home and slept. The next day I told everyone, including the One, that I had cried myself to sleep and also that I hadn’t slept at all last night because of the despair I felt due to his rejection.
No one doubted my opposite descriptions of the night, which at first seemed satisfying as it assured me that no one thought of me as a liar. Deep down, I was furious. It also meant no one was paying attention.
I called him, attempting to pass as a heartbroken honey bird in need of impassionate care. What he saw, was a foolish girl he could easily take advantage of. And when I told him he could, it was almost like I gave him the knife myself.
So much has happened, I do not know where to begin. Of all the people that race through my head, Eva stands out the most.
We found her father dead the other day. Her maid was injured. Eva was threatened. Lorna had to kill a man.
Thinking about it all was so painful I had to pause. I feel horrible for Eva. Apart from Doctor Corwin, I wish I knew others to count on. Specifically, that is. Thinking on it, I do know people. I just have not spent much time speaking with them lately. That’s how friendships are formed. How bonds are made. Idle chatter. Connections. Shared moments. No matter how brief or how fleeting, every moment counts. Emillia keeps asking me to speak up… I’ve missed many chances to. I’m not certain there’s much to go on, but perhaps it will mean more for the person I interact with.
I keep thinking about Mr. Winters final days, and I don’t know why. In my dreams, I see Eva on that horrible day. What memories did they share? Were there any good ones? Could a stranger intervening make any difference?
There must be a way that I can do something… something helpful. Just as simple as Mathias.
Water tested = PASSED. Got the memory foam and the bedding all situated. Bought fabric for the curtains. Built a box on the tongue of the trailer for my battery. Strapped my tent, hammock and sleeping pads underneath the cabinets. New tires, new fenders and door installed. Accomplished week / weekend. One more piece of trim on its way for the back hatch. I leave Wednesday to “test camp” in it for a few nights on Lake Kerr in North Carolina with the fam.
Leaving July 1st! Our trip has flexibility but here is the rough itinerary.
1) Great Smoky Mountains National Park, Tennessee 2) Carlsbad Caverns National Park, New Mexico 3) White Sands National Monument, New Mexico 4) Coconino National Forest, Arizona 4.5) Petrified Forest National Park, Arizona 5) Grand Canyon National Park, Arizona 6) Zion National Park, Utah 7) Death Valley National Park, California 8) Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park, Big Sur, California 9) Yosemite National Park, California 10) Lake Tahoe, California 11) Crater Lake National Park, Oregon 12) Oregon Nature Exploring 13) Glacier National Park, Montana 14) Banff National Park, Canada 15) Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming 16) Grand Teton National Park, Wyoming 17) Rocky Mountain National Park, Colorado 18) Great Sand Dunes National Park, Colorado 19) Shenandoah National Park, Virginia
Please throw out some suggestions/ must see/must do of places that we are going to or places that are nearby that can’t be missed!
The Grand Canyon is unreal. It’s feels as if you are staring at a painting or a backdrop for a John Wayne movie.
Jess and I visited the South Rim. I really would have liked to to gone to the North Rim just to avoid the Disney World crowd like madness. Our trip was originally planned for coming up from southern Arizona so the South Rim made sense. Due to the fires in the Coconino area and our reservations being cancelled our trip changed last minute and was rerouted.
After setting up camp we headed to the visitor center to attend to our ritual, postcards and a sticker. The visitor center had to have thousands of people there, total madness. The stress levels started to rise. After coming from Bryce and Arches, the crowds just were too much to handle.
Luckily Jess and I read up on a few cool hikes to beautiful views of the South Rim away from the overwhelming crowds. We headed to the first hike’s trailhead, two other cars in the small parking lot was a great sign. We headed down the trail excited to get “our” views of the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon is a very spiritual place, I didn’t want that compromised because of the stampede like crowd of tourists. So two cars in the parking lot was an exciting view. The trail was only a little over a mile each way, cake. Coming around the last bend was more than we could have asked for. A ledge that ultimately sticks out into the canyon, I saw Jess’s face light up. After spending hours that only seemed like a mere five minutes we headed back to camp.
This morning we woke up with a family of Elk in our campsite. Grazing the grass and paying no mind to Jess and I’s excitement. We hung out with the elk as one while we ate our egg white burritos. The smile wouldn’t leave my face, waking up with Elk 50 feet from us is what it’s all about.
This morning we are headed to a few more view points including Desert View which I am pretty excited about. I definitely would like to come back to the Grand Canyon and hike down into the canyon. Unfortunately when I booked the sites, all the backcountry permits for camping were booked up. Always next time. Now we are headed
back into the magical state of Utah to experience Zion National Park. We only have two nights there. We will be nonstop, fitting in as much as we can. We can always sleep this fall when we head back east.
Last weekend we went to Glen Onoko Falls in Pennsylvania. Tahoe had his first sip of cold mountain water and took his first breath of fresh mountain air, a very important moment for an adventure dog. We had lunch together next to the waterfalls, he munched on his dog food and I had my peanut butter banana sandwich. We scrambled rocks, hopped across streams, howled at the trees and enjoyed the sounds and sights of the waterfalls together. Mans best friend. Although it was a shorter hike, it was refreshing to be in the woods again. This upcoming weekend Jess Tahoe and I with a few friends will be taking a camping trip to upstate New York. Goodbye Winter, Hello Spring.
This morning was great. We woke up at 5:20 and caught the 6 am shuttle to
“The Grotto” to get to the Angel’s Landing trailhead. Angel’s Landing is just over five miles roundtrip. With the last half of a mile with narrow routes and cliff exposures. Zion National Park is beautiful, when entering the park you drive through a mile long tunnel. The tunnel ends with a breathtaking view of the sandstone mountains and valley below.
After I am done eating this egg burrito we will be taking the shuttle to Emerald Pools for a short hike. Tomorrow morning we will be doing The Narrows if the weather stays beautiful. I can’t wait. Thanks to @squaretradegoodsco for hooking us up with some gear. Check them out for the best scents and rad gear
We left The Great Smoky Mountains National Park around noon on Wednesday. As you can see our route changed a bit. Some of our reservations were cancelled in Arizona due to fires. So, we high tailed it to Colorado stopping only for fuel and food. I didn’t get any sleep and drove the entire day Wednesday, Wednesday night and most of Thursday. Jess hopped in for a few hours here and there giving me a few breaks. You also might notice there is a picture of Jess driving and not me. That’s because Jess slept most of the time :) . Luckily I had some good driving tunes and coffee to keep me awake. We did get to stop and check out Cadillac Ranch outside of Amarillo, Texas which was a cool piece of art.
We got to the campsite late Thursday afternoon and went to sleep pretty early last night. We did get to meet our great camp neighbors who are from Minnesota and travel the U.S. every chance they get on their motorcycle while pulling a trailer tent. They have been doing it since 1990 and had some great tips and ideas for camping/the camper and cool recommendations for areas in the U.S.
Jess and I woke up at at 4am to hike around the Sand Dunes at Great Sand Dunes National Park. For the first hour as the sun was coming up we were the only people in the park, that we could see at least. The Great Sand Dunes in Colorado are the tallest dunes in North America. Such a surreal natural beauty.