the superior grease

The Who’s Who of Australian Politics (main party edition)

OK unsure of who is who in the ever changing face of Australian politics? Wondering if a change of leader in a party means your pasta sauce is halfway to getting expired? Well let’s take a look at the parties and leaders:

Richard Di Natale:

Leader of The Greens and secret love child of famous playwright Bertolt Brecht: 

He stands for several radical left wing nut job policies like “not destroying the planet for the sake of businesses that barely even pay tax anyway”, “destroying freedom of speech by not letting everyone be incredibly hyper racist towards others” (AKA: the Destroy Old White Men bill), and “national listen to a goddamn scientist before making policy day” which has been attacked by Liberals for being “too restricting” and “stifling our creativity to make up whatever ideas we want” which they attack it for being “ironic given that The Greens like to support The Arts.”

The Greens claim they stand for helping the environment and promoting economic/job growth through the burgeoning renewable energy industry though according to conservatives this is “completely fictional” and it’s all just a front to destroy western civilisation through the gay agenda - which they also support. As a “goddamn queer” I support them entirely and hope to vote them in so we can soon crush our heterosexual oppressors and erect a giant statue of Bob Brown in the middle of every capital city (and a smaller statue in the more prominent homes of country towns).

A lot of people don’t like them because they value trees over human lives and on multiple occasions have interrupted Parliament to do rituals to their Tree God. To be fair this is a very valid criticism as it interrupts normal proceedings and makes everything slow.

His retirement plan if he quits/loses his seat is to bury himself in a forest and become one with nature. He will not be dead when he does this.

Bill Shorten:

Leader of the Labor party and everyone’s 2nd favourite uncle. He’s always trying to make an effort to be there you know? Even when he’s not needed. Here he is hanging out with “the lads” (as he’s affectionately dubbed them because his daughter told him to call them that. He’s not entirely sure why but he just really wants to be cool.)

If he loses this upcoming election he has promised to go on a national tour doing a comedy hour entitled “ZINGERS!” where he tells his best political puns. For example: “Malcolm Turnbull? More like turn back the calendar! Cos… cos he’s living in the past. Like Tony Abbott. He’s the same as Tony Abbott.” and “Julie Bishop to Bi-STOP calling me at night to yell mean things about my appearance as it makes me Ju-CRY.”

Labor tends to back Unions whereas Liberals tend to back Businesses. Labor loves unions so much that they’re often seen sidling up to the LNP and whispering “you could pass horribly damaging bills through me if you talk nicely to me” which is why everything you do on the internet is tracked and stored for 2 years. 

You’re welcome.

He has been voted “the most “Dad” like politician” 3 times in a row and recently got a special mention for his superb “dad dancing” skills.

Malcolm Turnbull:

Pictured here crushing the imaginary neck of a poor person.

The leader of the Liberal Party. The Liberals team up with the Nationals to form the Coalition and are sometimes referred to as the LNP (Liberal National Party). They’re like an evil megazord only with two pieces. His party is occasionally cited in news articles as “traditionally seen as the stronger when it comes to economic management” (with no further evidence provided to support this claim) though more often than not they’re cited in the news as “the party that did something horrible to a minority this week.”

Pictured: George Christensen cheering at the sound of a gay kid crying.

He’s the coolest leader the LNP has had in years. Just look at all these mad selfies:

HE TOOK A SELFIE WITH A ROBOT!

That’s hella cool.

He’s caught in the perpetual tug of war with the more progressive elements of his party and the more conservative elements of his party and ultimately ends up appearing to just wiggle aimlessly in the middle a lot, sometimes metaphorically, sometimes literally. He shrugs this off as “dancing, just dancing. Shut up. Get out of my office. Tell no one!”

If he loses this election and retires he will simply fall back onto his giant pile of wealth, strong business skills, and investments overseas (as cited in the panama papers)… as well as his political pension. The dude is basically set for the rest of his life no matter what he does at this point… If you’re worried this might lead to some poor policy choices just think back to every old rich white dude who has ever been in power and think “fuck” then start crying as you realise the bitter truth that the world is a cruel and unfair place and Turnbull is a mere cog in a social-economic machine that’s oiled with far superior grease that you personally can never afford.

Good luck.