It was about motherfucking time Kurloz became useful.
Sure the nightmares had been fulfilling (half the time at least), but nothing could compare to the real thing.
Seeing the troll that he had flushed for what seemed eons ago presenting himself in nothing but a fairy dress and fake-wings made him an aroused motherfucker. His eyes immediately drew to the shortest part of the dress, where the purple polka-dotted panties peeked from the zigzags of cloth, most likely courtesy of Kurloz-
i envision them essentially acting as the whole governing unit of alternia’s land dwelling castes; executive, legislative and judicial. so as long as the sea dwellers don’t decide they don’t like something (as if they’re paying that much attention to the peasantry), the subjugglators in the highblood council can decide what’s allowed, decide what’s not allowed, and personally see to it that the people doing the things that aren’t allowed are punished.
there was a time at which they had the legislacerators to do their dirty work for them, but the empire decided that allowing the subjugglators to have their own personal killing force was affording them a little too much animal farm-level power, so the courtblock system was set up to contain the subjugglators’ legal influence.
beyond their physical role, the subjugglators are expected to psychically police the people as well. this involves setting up chucklevoodoo dolls and the like to make lowbloods to scared to rebel, as well as supposedly checking up on the populace’s thoughts personally to make sure there isn’t anything brewing. i imagine a majority of the subjugglators are too lazy to actually do that; but the idea that the scary clown government could be listening to your thoughts at any moment tends to be a deterrent in itself.
finally, subjugglators also act as a priestly caste, arranging carnivals for entertainment and education semi-regularly and providing spiritual counsel to those who seek it.
Ok lets take a look at the medieval times as I believe that this is what hussie intended when using these classes. So on the contrary of public belief, a bard doesn’t have anything to do with clowns really! A bard is more of a musically inclined person that loves to write heroic poems, so you might ask what that has to do with homestucks bards? Trust me the connections are there. Let me start off by saying that I’m going to debunk the fan favorite theory that bards passively destroy. After some extensive research and analyzing I believe I understand what the bard class really does and its actually really awesome!
Ok now I believe that bards are a type of dark horse yes but they aren’t this class that has to be controlled, instead they are the latent heroes of their session! Now this is different from the page as the page has to work extremely hard for their overwhelming power and more enough they don’t ever achieve it, where as the bard would be the type to seem very incapable of being a hero and instead rises up to it using their aspect.
Ok lets start with Cronos Ampora ( my pale pal ;) Hes the Bard of Hope and he was the main reason that I saw through the passively destroying claim as he never did that but he did embrace his hope aspect A lot! lol He kept his hopes up by thinking that he could be human even through hes clearly a fish troll and he talked about a prophecy in which he was to defeat Lord English. Not much is know about him further but I believe that what made him bad at their game was that he never rose up to be the hero in any fashion instead he stayed insecure and distracted.
Now for the man of the hour Gamzee Motherfuckin Makara HONK :o) lol Our Bard of Rage! Now I’m going to debunk his mental break down by saying that it had nothing to do with his classpect at all, instead it was his torllian lineage with him being a subjuggulator. Subjuggulators are inherently angry savage ruthless dictators and thats where Gamzee got his aspect from, but with him being a bard he was supposed to be the latent hero a role he somewhat achieved attacking the black king unexpectedly dealing a lot of damage with his hero mode.
Ever wondered why its called that? Yep I beileve that dave showing hime the insane clown posse video caused him to awaken his inner subjuggulator. More proof can be derived from dirk talking about older dave and rose fighting the insane clown posse who were the subjuggulators that the condescense used to take over the world as soon as gamzee saw that video it was like a calling card. His classpect was set up to fail though because of him needing to be one with caliborn too.
In conclusion the bards true mission is to be the dark horse and to learn how to be a hero and rise to be the hero when needing to using their aspect.
ERIGAMSPRITE: you motherfuckin knoww wwhat ERIGAMSPRITE: FUCK YOU KANAYA ERIGAMSPRITE: wwhat did i evver do to you to deservve this ERIGAMSPRITE: BESIDES KILL EVVERYONE ERIGAMSPRITE: wwell maybe not evveryone ERIGAMSPRITE: STILL IM ALL UP AN RAGIN ABOUT THIS ERIGAMSPRITE: nobody deservves to be stuck like this ERIGAMSPRITE: MOTHERFUCKIN NOBODY ERIGAMSPRITE: evven if i did blind solbro ERIGAMSPRITE: AN MOTHERFUCKIN DOUBLE STAB KARBRO ERIGAMSPRITE: an fuckin club nepsis ERIGAMSPRITE: AN ABUSE THE SHIT OUT A TEREZI ERIGAMSPRITE: an strangle equibro to death ERIGAMSPRITE: AN EVVEN FUCKIN SUBJUGGULATE THE HEIRESS HERSELF ERIGAMSPRITE: howw does that make me bad enough to deservve this fate ERIGAMSPRITE: YOU FUCKIN CUT ME IN HALF TWWICE ERIGAMSPRITE: wwell both parts a me ERIGAMSPRITE: YOU GET THE MOTHERFUCKIN PICTURE
I have a bias towards certain breeds. I normally like the albe species, since while they come in fewer colors, they’re rather interesting critters! They’re dangerous, sure, but once they get to liking you, they can be loyal beyond belief!!
Disclaimer: I am by no means an expert on these. I have no formal training beyond volunteer work in albe shelters and while I do plan on adopting a certain grand that I’ve been working with, you should still do your research before adopting!
With that out of the way, let’s talk species!!
Grands are a species of the albe Clown species, usually known as subjuggulators. This species does have similar species differences like our average Clowns, Mimes, and Pierrots, but the major difference is that no matter what they’re similar to, all Albes will usually get along and are able to live under similar circumstances so long as there’s a Grand around.
Grands can be very similar to any normal clown, at least hybridized with creepies and killers, but they seem to tend to be the more dominant forms of each. Mime-type Grands do tend to be quiet, but any Grand must vocalize in their social groups in order to assert their dominance. Grands are, in essence, alpha clowns. I’m not going to go into the nuances of different types, those are for a much different post. Grands are also, consequently, huge. They grow to at minimum 8 feet tall without their horns, and under good enough care, can live for generations! Speaking of which…
As I’ve mentioned before, Grands can get huge. Horns (their head growths) not withstanding. Often, to preserve space, owners will cut off their pets’ horns so they can give them a smaller big top. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, DO THIS TO THEM. Not only can it cause them significant distress, but it can cause them awful health issues if you dont allow their horns to grow back. They can get infections, vertigo, headaches, and are often susceptible to various diseases and disorders that they wouldnt normally get with their horns. So, in short, let your clowns grow their horns.
Now, Grands are actually very social. They need to have at least one companion Albe clown in order to be happy. With that comes the need for a lot of space and a very very high big top (again, grands grow to 8′8″ at minimum including horns). They also require pile supplies, which include pillows, honker-horns, sometimes bones, joke books, greasepaint kits, juggling clubs, anything in their interests. This is how they nest, and they often all sleep together in the piles as a form of pack bonding.
Now Albes are obligate carnivores and must have a lot of meat in their diet. Grands are no exception, and must have a tiger’s diet of meat (any kind works, though they seem partial to clown meat, beef, and pork) as well as carnival foods such as cotton candy, corndogs, and funnel cakes to keep their coats shiny and luxurious, as well as keeping their fangs healthy!
Speaking of fangs, Grands require chew toys. Anything that squeaks or makes a noise is preferable, and they, like other clowns, also enjoy flinging pies and squirting each other for fun. They do, however, play very rough a lot of the time. Don’t be too worried if you notice their paints getting smudged and a few bites and bruises cropping up from time to time, so long as they dont become infected and aren’t deep, it’s simply play-fighting and completely normal.
Good enrichment items are Juggling clubs, unicycles, bike horns, and pies. They aren’t often attracted to balloons, but it never hurts to try!
Personal Clown Care
Now, large shoes are NOT required for this species, especially not Grands. They rarely wear shoes in the wild and for some individuals, foot coverings at all can cause high amounts of stress which make them ill. They do require at the very least dark gray and white paints so they can paint their faces into their distinctive markings. No two Albe clowns have the same markings, and this makes it very easy to tell your clowns apart!
Grands are like the lazy male lions of their species, often ordering around their pack-mates to do things for them such as painting their face (they will reciprocate this, of course) and brushing their magnificent manes.
Albes are, as I’ve mentioned, not a very brightly colored species. Their normal tones are greys, purples, and black, often with distinctive dot-type markings around their legs. So long as these colors remain distinct and easy to see even at a distance, you have a healthy Albe clown!
Albe clowns have a wide range of vocalizations, most well known, of course, being the Honk. Their sounds much deeper and growlier than the normal clown population, but that is normal and healthy. The more sonorous the honk, the healthier the clown. As well as honking, they purr, trill, squeak, giggle, and shriek. The only time you have to worry is if they make less noise than usual, and their normal big-top revelry is quieted. Then one of the pack is sick.
A major quirk in the Albe species is that they prefer joke reciprocation, especially Grands. As well as making others laugh, they love to be made to laugh! If your clown seems down, their paint smudging more than usual, try telling them a joke! They may accept you as part of their pack, often signified by being invited into the bigtop and being allowed into the pile. This does not mean you have to share their food, however.
To conclude, please do your research before adopting any Albe clown, especially the Grand breeds. I am not an expert by any stretch, and I may have missed a few things when writing this up! Please be careful, and happy raising!
In hindsight you would never have expected this to happen.
You never expect anything so disorienting and incongruous it turns out to be more aggravating for your own sanity and peace of mind than it was a magical experience like it could have been.
You are dreaming. You are dreaming the best you can and there is someone breaking and entering and cruising about in your cronked nugbone like they received an open invitation to the Empress’ party on 12th Perigree’s Eve.
You do not even know how or even why, but the kickass hunter’s awareness in you jumpstarts on its guard and warns you of imminent danger. With a slight flick of the wrist you brandish several scalpels between deft fingers and raised your fins at their highest in catching the slightest touch of vibration in the tense air.
CA: if theres any errant flapmouthed puttock around ye best be shovvin yerself else i do somethin so half baked not evven a fuckin guts gripin subjuggulator can do anythin to savve it
She is actually considered one of the nicest of the subjuggulator ringleaders out there. After all, her methods are primarily emotional, and her chucklevoodoos only function to spread joy, so how cruel could she possibly be? Subjugators drafted under Hexela are lucky to have her. Who says the empire isn’t kind?
Her chucklevoodoos are her main psionic, but her singing voice also counts as an ability due to it’s borderline mind-control properties. It can put people into a trance, so that they’re only focusing on her and her commands. This effect works best on those in her carnival, who have had the most exposure to her, and who’s minds have been heightened to her influence. Still, even in a non-magical sense, most of Hexela’s power comes from her voice.
When she was (much) younger, before she traveled with the carnival, she grew up in Speakeasy. She’s always been enthused by showbusiness, and the carnival provided her with a stage.
Hexela enjoys the reputation as a nurturing, and charismatic leader in Alternia, but in personality she is incredibly cold and methodical. Every word out of her mouth is carefully chosen for her sympathetic, theatrical image. All of the actions she takes are by design, to get what she wants. It’s very rare to see her with the act peeled back.
Because she has no trouble keeping up with her “act”, that is, the act of being a friendly and dazzling Ringmaster, she has a hard time seeing why others may have difficulties living only on the stage. She hand-picks every act special, how hard can it be to simply follow your lines? You should be honored to have someone like her to guide you.
She’s not fond of the people in her carnival forming close bonds with anyone, including to some extent the other carnival members. For example, Carnie, Lucylu, and Mourna have a trio going for them, and she appreciates their activity but she would much rather they rely on nothing but her. Other bonds means other people to reach out to, and less control for her.
Being one of the fewer adults on Alternia, she enjoys having a certain amount of dominance over the trolls around her. No matter what, she’ll always be bigger, always be stronger, and always be more experienced. It’s this last one that she draws the most from - people should look up to her, because she’s seen and understood more than anyone else on this planet. Except the other adults that we have here anyway but shhh
She’s had hundred of sweeps to perfect her skills. And by skills, I don’t only mean the chucklevoodoos and stage performances, I also mean her ability to act viscerally real when it comes to pulling peoples emotions and faking her own. It’s very hard to tell when she’s being earnest, or when she’s being purposefully false in order to manipulate you.
Through all of this, with all of her lies and cruelty, the worst of it comes from the moments where she’s making people happy by using her joy psionics. She destroys the life around someone and holds their happiness hostage, so that the only way to have it is by impressing her. When she hands that happiness back, though, she’s inserting joy directly into their brain and it feels invigorating. When those fleeting moments are gone, there’s only dread and longing, but the weight of that happiness is so raw they will work to get it back, through all of her cruelty. It’s a cycle, and she is a walking trap.
cAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WTF IS THE NEPETA IS GAMZEE THEORY BECAUSE IM SCARED
Alright sit back and relax because I am about to explain to you a thing
First of all here is a masterpost that will explain this theory better than I could possibly hope too, but here’s the brief(ish) version
As Calliope explains, Heroes of Heart possess power over people’s souls and additionally, Rogues (and Thieves, as they’re basically the more active version of Rogue) have the ability to steal and give things relating to their aspect.
The theory is, in a last ditch attempt to save herself from Gamzee, Nepeta utilized her powers of Rogue of Heart to swap souls with Gamzee, killed Gamzee trapped in her body, and has been in Gamzee’s body ever since.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but hear me out.
But, Chloe, you say, Nepeta would never do all the awful things Gamzee has done!
I completely agree. Olive blooded Nepeta would never run around trying to kill people, abusing Terezi, and hoarding her friends’ corpses (well, maybe the last one; she is a cat after all).
The thing is, Nepeta doesn’t have olive blood anymore. If she successfully swaps with Gamzee, the power of the Subjuggulators’ purple blood will have it’s full effect on her. Gamzee had to be completely stoned in order to resist the homicidal tendencies of his blood color, and the trauma of ripping herr soul from her own body might have done a number on Nepeta’s mental state anyways.
Additionally, her purple blood might have warped her feelings for Terezi. PreSober Gamzee never shows any kind of hatred, romantic or otherwise, for Terezi, and, granted, neither does Nepeta. But she does have reason to be jealous of her. We all know that Nepeta has a huge crush on Karkat, who very clearly likes Terezi. Could those feelings of jealousy have turned to hatred? (It doesn’t even have to be romantic hatred, as it’s questionable whether Gamzee really has black feelings for Terezi, seeing as he doesn’t treat her like a kismesis should). There’s also the possibility that the GamKar moiralligience was a result of Nepeta just wanting to be in a quadrant with Karkat, and hoping that it would lead to more (much like Eridan with Feferi). This, of course, didn’t work out and explains why the relationship ended so badly.
Not to mention, Nepeta might just see this as a chance to do some seriously intense roleplaying.
Fefeta sprite could either be from a doomed timeline or her dreamself.
Here’s some other evidence of it:
Gamzee never started writing with other trolls’ quirks until after he “killed” Nepeta, who loves roleplaying.
Gamzee’s habit of bringing corpses to Caliborn is very catlike
Tavris and Erisol sprite could be Nepeta’s way of getting her ships together.
Also, Arquius sprite is the only sprite initially only programmed with one troll; Dirk adds AR to Equius sprite.
And when Gamzee sees Arquius sprite, he freaks out.
Aranea can mind control Gamzee, but Serkets aren’t supposed to be able to control trolls with a higher blood color.
This one’s a bit far fetched, but Gamzee apparently can’t die and cats are supposed to have nine lives.
Souls swapping may be able to cause a player to godtier, which would explain why Gamzee seems to have inexplicably godtiered.
Calliope says “a path ruled by the heart aspect can be a journey of splintered self”. I don’t think I need to explain this one.
Nepeta paints on her walls with the blood of her prey, not unlike Gamzee.
Gamzee says that there are two messiahs and they are both him. Now, this could just be him being insane, but could he possibly be right?
Nepeta liked roaming around the vent shafts on the meteor, but we never see Gamzee having a similar interest in them until after Nepeta’s “death”.
Anyways, to wrap up this extremely long answer, I don’t know whether or not this theory is going to be true, but it does weirdly make sense and I love it to pieces.