the story is the lovely artist was doing requests and i got one of the slots

Drunk History of Dan and Phil

It was the Fall of 2009, Dan meets Phil and he’s like “Yo, I know about editing tips.” Then Phil’s like “Yo, I know MORE about editing tips” “That’s impossible! Do you wanna be roommates?” And Phil’s like, “Yeah, that’s cool.” And then, he’s like, “Yo, this is a train station; it’s not a flat.” And then they met at Phil’s house. So Dan’s wearing black jeans, and socks, and a shirt. Phil has a cordless hammer drill for some fucking reason. And they start filming pinof 1 together and they’re like “Oh, let’s film some other videos together.” It was like blindfolded cat face game, and fuckin’ pinof, and fuckin’ christmas shit. Phil said to Dan, “Yo, we gotta change this shit up. Yo, let’s move to manchester” And so Dan is like, “Yo, that’s dope, but we need a fuckin’ flat.” Because they’re filming videos and they’re youtubers. Phil’s like “Yo, I got tons of lions through the mail,” and he’s like “wait, how do you have lions?” And he’s like, “Yo, watch this: RAAWRHAHAHEHRRAAGHG!” And he'a like, “Oh my god, that sounds like a lion!” And they made videos like pinof 2, pinof 3, pinof 4 pinof 5, amazingdan, everybody loves it.

“It’s called Phil is not on fire"

It’s called phan, and it’s real and it doesn’t matter.

And Dan talked to Phil and he was like “Yo, what the fuuuuuuuck? Yo, this is gonna be fuckin’ dooooooope!” So they made a show and it was called the superamazingproject. They made it, and they moved to London together. They met other people were like Pewdiepie, Joe Sugg, the dudes from one direction, the other one was like the guy from like BBC Radio 1 or something, and they’re like “Yo, we want you to have a radio show to fill this time slot. Fuckin’ do it.” And they did it, and they killed it, and Dan and Phil were like “bigidalililililillla, pshhh!” Killin’ the show, taking requests, playin the music, playin’ the shit, killing these bitches with Dan vs Phils.

You’re getting a fucking radio show right now? What the fuck is going on?

We should do a gaming channel, ‘cause this fanbase knows what the fuck is going on. And they were like “Yo, we’re planning a surprise for you guys" Phil was like “Yo, we got this gaming channel that’s fuckin’ doooooooope, dude it’s called DanandPhilGAMES It’s gonna be fucking huge.” And then Dan’s like, “I gotta keep it real, I gotta keep it artistic, these are games that are we’re gonna play and they’re called (BURP) The Sims, Undertale, and random shit we find. And they made this channel that was fuckin’ dope, and it fucking hit on the charts like one, two, three, two, one, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, ten to ONE. DanandPhilGAMES hit like one million subscribers, two million subscribers!. And Phil was like “That’s gooOoOOoooOoOOoOoOOOoOOd” Dan was like, “Yo, fuck you, I can do whatever I want.” And he did the blindfolded make up challenge like, “Make-up is fuckin’ great for a guy because it makes a guy look beautiful, which a lot of times, a guy is not beautiful, and I wanna change that. I wanna make sure that everyone thinks that guys are beautiful.”

I’m good so far. Yeah, I do.

SHUT THE FUCK

Oh, fuck, alright alright.

Dan was like, “Oh my god, I’m so done with these tumblr memes.” And then I saw the memes and was like “Ah, they’re not bad.”

Dan Howell is not a bad meme. Let’s be real.
                                         
They’re like, “Yo, people want to meet us, yo, fuck these dudes, we’re gonna fucking go miles above, we’re gonna hit every fuckin’ continent there is known to man.” So the Japan trip happens, they fuckin’ have three-four years of awesomeness. Like people are coming on themselves cause it’s so big.

Then Dan and Phil were like, “Yo, we gotta take a short break.” Meaning, they was like “Yo, we gotta write a book, bro.” And Dan’s like, “I need something people can physically remember, UHUhUhUHuHUUUh.” And Phil’s like, “yo, I need time to find some inspiration, the world of Dan and Phil.” And they’re like, “Alright, this writing been like a year long, We gotta fuckin’ go on tour, man, we gotta go on a book tour strong.”

You took my away. What the fuck?

“No, you poured it all over yourself.”

“Yeah, you poured it all over yourself, man, here.”

“We gotta make this shit legit, it’s gonna be fuckin’ dope, it’s gonna go fuckin’ sky high. We’re gonna make a fuckin’ book that sails the skies. We’re gonna call this book The Amazing Book is Not On Fire.” And everybody’s like “What the fuck?! A book!?“ And they began crafting.

Is this pu- what the fuck is this on my shirt? Did I puke on myself? Oh god.

Phil was like, “Yo, we’re gonna end up on a tour in the UK then all over the USA and the world!”. And that’s all, and that’s all that matter. And that’s just how the fuckin’ story goes.

since ive been complaining about shit already tonight i might aswell just mention random crap that i’ve been thinking about, but ill spare your dash, feel free to read me rambling about absolutely random shit if you want

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Bulletproof Pt. 3 [Jimin]

Pairing: Jimin x Reader
Genre: Hitman!AU, Fluff, Humor
Words: 1205
Chapter: 3/?
Author: Chloe
Description: “Well,” you say, glancing at the dagger raised in your boyfriend’s hand, to the gun in yours, and finally to the man cowering on his knees between the both of you, sobbing and pleading for his life. “This is awkward.”
Author’s Note: After 10 million years here is Chapter 3. Chapter 2 was not very well received so I hope I did a little better with Chapter 3. I’m sorry if I disappointed anybody! Also chapters are getting shorter and I’m not sure why — I will try harder to make them longer and the chapters better and more exciting. Please stick with Bulletproof and support me in my future endeavors, I love y’all!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

You slotted the key into your front door, and twisted it open, pushing the door open gently and cringing when it creaked.

It was already two-thirty in the morning, much later than you’d expected to return home, and all you wanted to do was stuff something in your mouth and then hop into bed.

Because it was so early in the morning, you were surprised when you saw that the lamp in the living room was still on, and even more surprised to see Jimin slumped on the couch, takeout boxes on the table in front of him.

You tiptoed over to see that Jimin was asleep, mouth open slightly, features calm. You couldn’t help but sigh, a short pang of sadness running through your body; he had obviously been waiting for you until he couldn’t any longer.

You ran a hand through his hair, revelling in how soft it was, before moving your hand downwards to the back of his neck, and leaning down to kiss his forehead. “Jimin,” you whispered. You shook his shoulders slightly. “Chim, go to the bed. You’ll have a crick in your neck tomorrow.”

Jimin stirred, eyes fluttering open before landing on you and shutting again. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “Tried waiting but got… tired.” He yawned, and you kissed him on the cheek.

“Sorry,” you whispered, your heart warm and cold at the same time at the thought of him sipping coffee and glancing at the clock, just waiting for you to return. “I’m sorry I’m so late. Go to sleep, okay? But on the bed. You won’t be comfortable here tomorrow.”

Jimin mumbled something incoherent, before his head lolled towards the side again, clearly already deep in sleep. Sighing, you headed to your bedroom and pulled on your pajamas, before tugging the blanket off your bed and bringing it out to the living room, tucking it around Jimin.

You grabbed a glass of water and sipped it silently, one arm crossed over your chest as you studied Jimin. Your life had changed so much when he’d entered it; in your mind, there was even a line, bright and clear, marking your days pre-Jimin and post-Jimin. Your days had been routine before him: wake up, go to work, go home, sleep, repeat. You had been stuck in the same routine for almost three years, around the same time you had joined Eunji when she opened her business. You were financially stable, living comfortably, and good at your job, to which you had no complaints. But if you were to compare your life, the days before you’d met Jimin were doused in greys and blacks and whites, and Jimin was the artist who had painted a story for you, using your life as his canvas.

You had so much to thank him for: tickle fights in the bedroom, cuddles when you were down, dance parties to the most generic pop songs. He had shattered your routine, and your life had been flipped into something unpredictable and turbulent, and you absolutely loved it. You absolutely loved him.

You walked over to the sink and placed the glass carefully in the sink before walking back over to the couch and lifting an edge of the blanket. You curled up against Jimin, making sure the blankets were wrapped around the both of you, before falling asleep.


When you woke again, sunlight was streaming through the curtains, and the clock read 7:00AM. Which meant you were already late. With a curse, you leapt from the couch, dashing towards the bathroom and grabbing your rumpled blouse from the floor. It wasn’t ideal, but it’d have to do.

You brushed your teeth, washed your face, and slapped on some light makeup, before pulling your hair hurriedly into a small bun and jabbing in some bobby pins to hold it in place.

“Morning, babe.”

You swiveled around and smiled when you saw Jimin leaning against the frame of the bedroom door, shuffling over to peck him on the lips before rushing to grab your handbag from the kitchen counter, where you’d left it the night before.

“Chim, I’m in a hurry, I’m so late,” you rushed, flicking the coffee machine on and glaring at the blinking light. “God, I’m so sorry I came back so late last night, the boss has really fucked us over this time.” You beamed as the light finally held at a bright, steady green, and shoved a travel mug under the nozzle, pushing on the button and sighing as coffee streamed out.

Jimin laughed as you hopped from one foot to the other, clapping your hands impatiently as you waited for your coffee to be ready. Suddenly, you remembered your promise to Jimin, and turned around to face your boyfriend, studying the amused look on his face. You sighed, biting your lip.

I’ll break it off with Jimin, soon, probably.

“Is something wrong?”

You were startled out of your thoughts and looked back towards Jimin, plastering a smile on your face. Soon didn’t have to mean now. “Jimin, please don’t be mad.”

You gnawed at your lip as Jimin frowned, his brows furrowing gently. “Mad at what?”

The coffee finally stopped, and you grabbed the cup, screwing the lid on tightly. “Chim, please don’t be mad, but the boss is really killing us with this case and the client is going to be in court soon, and I know I promised I’d be back early tonight but I don’t think I’ll be able to.” You squeezed your eyes shut as the words flew from your lips.

Jimin smiled, but you could see it was strained. “What’s the point of promising, then? I mean, I guess I’m glad you’re not cheating on me or something else.”

Your heart sunk. You glanced at the clock behind Jimin. 7:45. You really didn’t have time for this. “Chim, please don’t be mad. I’m so sorry. I’m requesting leave for a bit after this, so I’ll be free a lot more. Jimin, please look at me,” you begged as Jimin turned to leave, grabbing his phone of the coffee table.

“I’m not mad,” Jimin said stiffly. “Why would I be mad at the fact my girlfriend is never around to enjoy time with me?”

“Jimin, I’m so sorry. I know this is my fault, but I’ll make it up to you, okay? I swear. Jimin, plea — who are you calling?”

“Work,” he snapped quickly. “My boss had something big he wanted me to work on but I turned him down because I wanted to spend today with you. I’m calling to pick up the job.”

You sighed, licking your lips. “Chim, I’m so sorry. I really have to go, Eunji will kill me, but please don’t be mad. I hate it when we fight; you know you mean so much to me.” And every word that left your lips was true, and you knew, in the moment, that you would never be able to break up with Jimin, because he was just too big a part of your world.

Jimin ignored you and started mumbling into the microphone of his mobile; you sighed, waving half heartedly before running out the door and to work.