I have to stop punishing myself for mistakes I make. Not that I should just let myself off the hook for making mistakes, of course, but I should be less…harsh? on myself for occasionally making errors. If I make one mistake, one completely accidental, unintended mistake, I immediately beat myself up about it and convince myself I’m a terrible, intolerable person who shouldn’t be trusted and whose perceived kindness and desire to be a good, loving person is all a front. I’ve always been this way, it’s probably why getting shouted at for something at school always terrified me into silence for days on end.
But like, sometimes I will make mistakes. Sometimes I will be wrong or I will (inadvertantly) do something shitty. And I guess that’s okay? I’m human so of course I’ll make human errors occasionally. I’m not perfect. But what’s really important, what should define me, is how I react to my mistakes. How I try to mend them. Because I always do try to figuratively clean up after myself, and that should be what drives me through.
On the other hand, one day, I’m convinced all my friends will get sick of the amount of mistakes I make and will inevitably make and just conclude that I’m a bit of a twat tbh. I don’t know if this is a self-confidence thing, but I have to be loved by everybody, I have to be accepted as a likeable person by everyone, especially people I admire. And if I keep making mistakes, I won’t be. I have to be the very essence of affability at all times, otherwise I’ll lose everyone.