the slack jawed yokel

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Starter Sentence Meme (Some NSFW)
  • Just once I would like to run into a cult of bunny worshippers.
  • Actually we do want trouble. We’re demons. We’re pretty much all about trouble.
  • Look at you, all afraid I’m hot for your honey.
  • I go online sometimes, but… everyone’s spelling is really bad. It’s… depressing.
  • The annoying virgin has a point.
  • We do not joke about eating people in this house!
  • Sing me a new one sometime. That one’s gone stale.
  • Nobody could do that much decoupage without calling on the powers of darkness.
  • Gee, can you vague that up for me?
  • To make you a vampire they have to suck your blood. And then you have to suck their blood. It’s like a whole big sucking thing. Mostly they’re just gonna kill you.
  • I’m sure it frisked about like a fluffy lamb.
  • This tower was built by crazy people and I don’t think it’s holding up very well.
  • You don’t even know what I was writing about! ‘Hunk’ can mean a lot of things, bad things. And, when it says that your eyes are ‘penetrating’, I meant to write ‘bulging’.
  • Yeah, it was sexy the way she touched me real hard with her fists.
  • Now, this is not gonna be pretty. We’re talking violence, strong language, adult content…
  • Maybe you could blow something up. They’re really strict about that.
  • What… is this? The late-night stakeout, the bogus suspects, the flask? Is this a date?
  • I laugh in the face of danger! Then I… hide until it goes away.
  • It’s funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.
  • If the apocalypse comes, beep me.
  • Testosterone is a great equalizer - it turns all men into morons.
  • What, they were all out of boils and blinding torment?
  • Zombies don’t eat brains anyway, unless instructed to by their zombie master. A lot of people get that wrong.
  • And then I’m going to marry Bob Dole and raise penguins in Guam.
  • You know, I’m searching for supportive things and I’m coming up all bras.
  • To read makes our speaking English good.
  • I may be dead, but I’m still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you.
  • I’ve seen honest faces before. They’re usually attached to liars.
  • You’re really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren’t you?
  • I’m like a… superhero or something!
  • Sorry, but I’m an old fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.
  • Translate this for me, Spock. I don’t speak loser.
  • This is a special kind of angel called a Charlie. We don’t have wings, we just skate around with perfect hair fighting crime.
  • Yeah, but I think that whole sucking the life out of people thing would have been a strain on the relationship.
  • Yeah, well, to you and me they’re just candles, but to witches they’re like… bongs.
  • Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren’t I on the mailing list?
  • Oh, he’s a vampire! Of course! But the cuddly kind, like a Care Bear with fangs.
  • Yes, he’s clearly a bad influence on himself.
  • I’m going to have to go with Deadboy on this one.
  • You dragged me out of bed for a ride? What am I, mass transportation?
  • I didn’t jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were.
  • I defined something? Accurately? Guess I’m done with the book learning.
  • It’s a big rock. Can’t wait to tell my friends, they all don’t have a rock this big.
  • Well, we try not to get killed. That’s part of our whole mission statement: “Don’t get killed.”
  • Okay, but I was right about the leprechauns, right?
  • You really need every square inch of your ass kicked.
  • You always hurt the one you love.
  • I’m the thing that monsters have nightmares about. And right now, you and me are gonna show ‘em why.
  • Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I’ve got it covered from A to Z — from ‘axe’ to… ‘zee other axe’.
  • When you think about him you get that good, down-low tickle, right?
  • What, you just tripped and fell on his lips?
  • I’m pathetic, illiterate. I’m Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel.
  • Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.
  • I’m a rebel! I’m having a rebellion!
  • I was going to walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but, eh, it seemed kinda cartoony.
  • Sometimes the most adult thing you can do is… ask for help when you need it.
  • I provide much needed… sarcasm.
  • I’m here to kill you, not to judge you.
  • Out. For. A. Walk. Bitch.
  • A bidet. Like a bidet of evil.
  • Where would the Justice League have been if they hadn’t put their differences aside to stop the Imperium and his shape-shifting alien horde?
  • Uh, first word: jail; second word: bait.
  • Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore.
  • I don’t want to protect you from the world. I want to show it to you.
  • We’re gonna have to fight to the death, aren’t we?
  • We’re all on death’s door, repeatedly ringing the doorbell, like maniacal Girl Scouts trying to make quota.
  • I just want to sleep, yo, for like a week!
  • Just don’t forget who’s on top.
  • I’m finished being everybody’s butt-monkey!
  • Oh, I’m not really into porn… I mean, I’m just trying to cut way back.
  • On the plus side you’ve killed the bench, which was looking shifty.
  • Why can’t you just masturbate like the rest of us?
  • Are you just gonna come here and go all Dawson on me every time I have a boyfriend?
  • I am the Dark Lord of Nightmares! The Bringer of Terror! Tremble before me! Fear me!
  • Nothing can defeat the penis!
  • A bear! You made a bear! Undo it, undo it!
  • If those two don’t kill each other, I might lend a hand.
  • We’re outlaws with hearts of gold.
  • I think it’s pretty safe to say I’m not going to see anyone who’s invisible.
  • I may be love’s bitch, but at least I’m man enough to admit it.
  • Maybe that’s why you and I can never get along. We’re not supposed to exist together.
  • Thank God we’re hot chicks with superpowers.
  • The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live.
  • I happen to be very biteable, pal. I’m moist and delicious.
  • So let me get this straight. You’re… Dracula. The guy. The Count.
  • And you’re what? Shocked and disappointed? I’m evil!
  • Yes, let’s tie ourselves to the crazy vampire.
  • Don’t speak Latin in front of the books.
  • I owe you pain.
  • Okay, you get Fangs, I’ll get Horny. I mean…
  • Crack a government encrypted code on my laptop? Easy as really difficult pie.
  • Seize the moment, ‘cause tomorrow you might be dead.
  • I’ll stay behind and putter around the batcave with crusty old Alfred here.
  • Come for the food, stay for the dismemberment.

eight-legs-of-justice  asked:

I work in IT and I wasn't at work today. Another student asked for me to look at his computer and I said he could come in when the office opens tomorrow cause I'd be there. "Well why can't you just look now?" Because I'm not getting paid you slack-jawed yokel

I rolled up on the red light in my trashy Sebring,
three-year-old eggs fried into the door,
two teens in the back,
one side of the bumper slumping towards the pavement as if it were too ashamed to be a part of this white trash dream,
and me,
with zero fucks to give.

A newer model black camaro pulled up on my passenger side with it’s window half down, through which the spirit of a true muscle car must have slipped out.
As is typical of such douchebagmobiles, a slack-jawed yokel stared out at me.
I watched him for a moment with my peripheral and then, when he turned his gaze towards my girls in the back seat,
I leaned over my passenger seat,
intercepted his gaze,
lowered the volume on Tupac,
and said
“What da fuck you lookin’ at, honkey? It’s green.”
He floored it,
we laughed for a moment,
and then continued onward towards the promise
of ice cream.

-Samuel Decker Thompson
@adudewritingpoetry

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