the show returns after 4 months

I think a lot about how I’m becoming more like my mom now, socially isolated and insulated in my domestic sphere, and fine with it. It’s been hard to want to socialize in any genuine way. I wonder if or when I’ll be okay with letting some of my friendships flounder; it might be happening already. I remember coming home and wanting to see everyone all at once. I hosted a potluck the day after thanksgiving for 4 or 5 years. The first or second year, 25 people came to my parents house to hang out. That’s a lot! We were 23 or 24 and somehow all around, on Long Island. I didn’t do it this year because I knew no one would come and I also didn’t want to have to show up.

It’s 3:24AM and I can’t sleep for reasons including but not limited to; anxiety about returning to a hostile workplace, anxiety about stating a new job in a month, irrational fear of getting into more trouble at work for being continually flippant about rules, irrational fear of losing my shit at work due to said flippancy which is a product of disillusionment and fury, thinking about the time I thought I made a friend at a show that we were both alone at and then I heard him point me out to his friends outside of a bar, describing me as “the worst” and “super annoying and loud”, thinking of scenarios in which I would have turned around and said something scathing enough to make him feel bad but not Too Intense as to reaffirm his assumptions about me, feeling like an impostor for conning my way into a new job, thinking about everyone who I hate at my old job but also everyone that I love.

I worry; I find it odd that I don’t talk to my first “cohort” of co-workers from Marshall very much, even though we were all thrown together into this horrible clusterfuck school “reform” thing, a thing that of course wasn’t working and could never work but in our youthful naïveté we tried, stayed til 7pm together in the workroom to wake up at 6 and do it again, etc etc. Yeah, we don’t really talk anymore. Last year when I was in my own world taking night classes and co-teaching with someone different, I barely talked to my “work friends” at my current school. And now I’m leaving them mid-year after having reconnected to an extent, working with them daily, bitching with them hourly (sometimes quarter-hourly on a bad day!) This may be the crux of my new job anxiety; will these new people be My People? Do I find people to be My People in any setting as a means of connecting and surviving, and how can I be better at nurturing those relationships into something more genuine? Or are work relationships like that; tenuous, conditional? Can I reset my piss poor attitude and become likable again? Or at the very least, fly under the radar until I’m so secure and hardheaded in my convictions that I act out again? At least I have tenure! A thing I don’t deserve!

Have I burned too many bridges? Did I break too many stupid rules? Will it all finally bite me in the ass?

Am I right to be losing my mind? Can you work in a CPS neighborhood school and function within that system as a thinking, breathing, feeling human person without quitting or at least blasting the entire rest of the state with your resume? For more than 6 years? I think I’ve wasted my youth? Am I actually the only person who is acting appropriately considering the state of things? It fucking feels like that sometimes. Hell, I told an interviewer for my dream job (within CPS) that I WISHED MORE PARENTS WOULD SUE CPS. I think she actually agreed with me. She didn’t hire me but apparently I came in close second to the chosen candidate. So that’s something.

I got a good new job for myself, on recommendation from the aforementioned interviewer, the person who I basically want to be (in a professional sense). But my brain is doing everything in its power to convince me that I probably don’t deserve it, that I can’t be trusted with it.

Imagine: being Bucky’s girfriend after he stops being The Winter Soldier

Originally posted by 107th-infantry

{{This is a continuation of Imagine: The Winter Soldier loosing his mask and you returning it to him and uh well just pretend he has a metal arm in the gif}}

     It had been around a year since you met Bucky. After you passed out he took you to a hospital and left a note that said thank you and that he would check on you frequently. At first you found it strange, but now you are thankful he did. 4 months of him visiting you and one thing led to another and you two ended up dating. About two weeks ago he showed up at your apartment in normal clothes saying that he had given up on being The Winter Soldier and wanted to live a normal life. So he basically became your roomate. You gave him a haircut and some new clothes, so things were normal. That was untill the nightmares started. You would constantly wake up to him whimpering or screaming or tightening his grip around you. You never asked him about it, but you figured it was finally time to. You were in the kitchen when Bucky somberly walked in and stopped in the entry way. 

     “Good Morning, Sunshine.” You flashed him a soft smile then waited for a reply.

     “Hello? Earth to Bucky, anyone home?” You walked up to him and he looked up at you.

     “I made breakfast.” You smiled and grabbed his hands then led him to the counter and sat on it. He grabbed his plate of food and started to eat without a word. You knew why. Last night he had a horrible nightmare and when you woke him up he grabbed onto your through with his metal hand. After a few minutes he realized what he was doing and let go then wouldn’t stop apologizing for about an hour. The silence started to bug you so you tilted his chin up and looked him in the eyes,” C’mon sweetie say something to me.” 

     “Breakfast was good, thanks.” He mumbled then put his plate in the sink and turned to leave, but you grabbed onto his hand and pulled him back.

     “Your not getting off the hook that easily.” You smiled and he wrapped his arms around your waist,” What’s buggin you Buck?”

     “I hurt you last night.” He said and brushed the hair away from you neck to reveal the still visible hand mark. You sighed and looked him in the eyes.

     “Bucky…”

     “Don’t Bucky me.”, He let go of your waist and back away,” What if I didn’t stop? What if I kept a grip on your throat? What then _____!”

     “I don’t know…”

     “You just act like everything is alright and its not! I don’t want to hurt people, but you almost died because of me! I can’t loose you!”

     “Your not going too!”

     “You don’t know that!”

     You hopped off the counter and walked to him. It was then that you noticed that he was crying. You wiped his tears away and he held your hand against his cheek.

     “I promise that you won’t loose me.” you whispered and kissed him. He relaxed but held onto you as if he let go you would be gone forever. He smiled for the fist time all morning.

     “Your right. Your too stubborn to die. If death came for you then you would slap it and say no.” he laughed and you joined him. He ran his thumb gently against his cheek.

     “Actually I have something I need to tell you…” You bit your bottom lip and looked at him.

     “What is it?” He looked at you with his icy blue eyes filled to the brim with concern and confusion.

     “I’m Pregnant.””

     He laughed for a bit then stopped when you weren’t laughing with him,” Oh my god your serious…. OH MY GOD I’M GONNA BE A DAD! I NEED TO CALL STEVE NOW AND SEE IF HE CAN HELP!!!” With that he bolted to the living room to grab the phone and call Steve.

     You laughed as realization set in for him. Now he had two things to take care of and he swore on his life that no one would ever touch his girl or his baby and if they did he might have to be The Winter Soldier one last time.