the shit you hate

Motive Check

Context: The party is crashing at a tavern for the night and a few of the members have already left to their rooms or are currently at the bar getting hammered. 

DM: Kriss, what are you doing?

Cleric (Kriss): Well, I’m going to rejoin the group, sitting a bit away from them and ask the bartender for a pint.

DM: As the bartender starts preparing it, an unknown stranger slides up to the bar and takes the seat beside you.

Rogue (Charlie): Hey there, cutie.

Cleric: Um… *switches to OOC* I check motive

*rolls a 5*

DM: The rogue seems friendly enough.

*some time passes and the two have been talking away*

Rogue: Say… It’s getting late. Why don’t we continue this conversation somewhere… with fewer ears?

Cleric: *OOC* I check motive again.

*rolls a nat 1*

Everyone in the party starts dying.

DM: Ah yes. He seems to have absolutely no malintent! He seems to be hiding absolutely nothing and he clearly just wants to chat. There is absolutely no way he is pinning to sleep with you. At all. What so ever.

My body is my weapon

So my friends and I were playing Outbreak Undead, a zombie survival tabletop game. We were engaging a group of four zombies at a gas station. Two outside were taken out with minimal effort, though shenanigans ensued on the inside. One zombie was leaning on the counter, which my friend attempted to stab with his knife. Another friend went to punch the zombie in the face after that.

GM: Okay, so you stab the zombie in the neck. He’s still “alive”, and reaching towards you.

Friend with knife: I carefully lead him in a circle with the knife still in his neck.

GM: Okay, Friend 2, roll your dice.

Friend 2: I rolled a 98(calamity, which ends badly).

GM: Okay so friend 1, you’re carefully keeping this zombie away and then you feel a blinding pain in the back of your head as you are pushed forward into the zombie. Which is now sliding down to the ground, against the counter.

The next round starts, with a third friend going to drop kick the zombie. He rolls a 2 on his time dice, so he goes first in the order.

GM: Okay, so roll the percentile for your drop kick.

Friend 3: I rolled an 89(which is a massive failure).

GM: Okay, friend 1, you’re watching this zombie slowly start to stir on the ground, letting out an “oh shit”. Friend 3, you launch yourself for the kick but don’t extend your feet high enough. So, friend 1, while you prepare to stab the zombie in the head, you feel your left shin get shoved forward and you slide into the zombie, crushing its head with your knee.

Friend 1: Why am I a weapon!?

Me(ooc): Beat a motherfucker with another motherfucker.

5 minutes of laughter ensued.

anonymous asked:

Any politically incorrect opinion? I mean you always speak your mind, so do you have any opinion that you think others wouldn't approve of? Just wondering!

Are you trying to get me into trouble Nonnie?

I do have an opinion that might get me in trouble with folks. I don’t know if you would agree, but I think going through depression yourself is easier than having someone you love with all your heart go through it. 

I’ve been depressed yeah, had real lows in my life. And it is probably my biggest fear that someday I might relapse and never come out of it. But, I have someone in my life who I immensely love, and she’s been clinically depressed for over a decade now. It’s killed me everyday of my life to see her go through it, and lord knows I’ve wished I could take her pain. Live it instead of her.

I know some of you have been through it, and might feel offended, but it’s what I think.

So I have a tiefling ranger in my group who had gotten super drunk at a bar and been helped out by this orc woman who was captain of the town guard. At the time, she had tried to drunkenly flirt with the captain, but it wasn’t very successful The next day, the ranger went to try to ask her out for lunch. Needless to say, she rolled a 1 on her persuasion check.

Tiefling: Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to get lunch?
Orc: It’s 4 in the afternoon
Tiefling, glancing at wrist that she realizes is watchless: dinner then?

Unfortunately, she didn’t get the date.

Faceplant

I’m at an introduction session to DnD, where I got to play a warrior. I end up playing alone, but I still had a lot of fun, especially because the dice, which should not be surprising, were very unpredictable XD

At one point, my company is about to head down a path, and I roll perception to see if there are any traps.

DM: *When I roll a 17* you can see it is a well used path, but someone thought to use traps. Thanks to your good eye however, you manage to move around them carefully. Roll another perception check.

Me: *rolls a 5* 

DM: as you continue onward, you come across a hole. Because you didn’t spot it until you were right on top of it. Roll for balance.

Me: *Rolls a Crit 1 and hisses* not good

DM: You try to catch your balance, but all you manage to do is pretty much fall and faceplant into the ground. 

Me: OOC: I just did so well too earlier.

There were a lot of other incidents that I thought were funny as hell due to crit fails, but I’ll save those for another time.

The Context: We were fighting a man who called himself The Winter King. My character, Ras, a Tiefling Paladin, had taken enough damage to die.

Ras: I want to resist falling unconscious.

DM: Alright, sure. Roll.

I rolled an 18, just barely making it.

DM: Alright, something important has kept you going. Roll to see just how important it really was.

I rolled a natural 1.

DM: …You left the stove going back at base. This revelation brings you back from the brink of Death so that you may live to remedy the situation. Somehow, you survive an otherwise fatal blow.

omnivore: actually vegans are the cruel ones because soybeans farming takes resources from poor countries and thats why i eat meat and won’t be vegan

reality: 85% of soy goes to animal feed, even if you ate nothing but soy you’d contribute less to this problem than you do by eating animals

omnivore: *does not change their behavior because they don’t actually care about poor people and were just looking for excuses to not change their behavior*

confession time: when I was younger and first read the harry potter books, I thought “exploding snap” was “exploding snape” and that all the students just hated snape so much that they made a game where he explodes.

YOI Future!Verse ABO AU - 4 Koma

SMACK!

The kids are…interacting with their peers. Yurio does his best to be a good dad, I mean, encouraging violence is bad regardless of the cause, right? (*sweatdrops at own childhood*)

Victor does not even try.

(Featuring OC kids Yasha and Shura daycare age, whatever that may be)

*If the comics are hard to read, tap on the image first to bring it up in the Tumblr viewer, THEN right click view image for the unaltered slightly higher resolution.

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IF YOU ARE NEW TO THIS AU: It’s a Yuri!!! on Ice AU, Yuuri-centric with end-game polyamory in an ABO setting, Yuuri gets married to four mates (Victor, Yurio, Phichit, Minami) and they have OC kids.

BASICS and timeline of this AU

INTRO to how ABO works in this AU

A SUPER DETAILED world-building headcanons post on ABO+ in this AU

OTHER POSTS (comics + illustrations) in the Future!Verse ABO section of my YOI Masterpost.

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Please keep ship bashing out of the comments/tags. Don’t like, just skip <3 Thank you.

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PLEASE DO NOT REPOST, EDIT, TRANSLATE, OR OTHERWISE USE MY ART. More detailed rules available on my Rules & FAQ Post.

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