the shelf life
Elf on the Shelf isn’t a real Christmas tradition – it’s a post-truth doll for a post-truth age | Stuart Heritage
Stuart Heritage: This sinister, Santa-hatted Chucky doll’s sole purpose is to intimidate children into meekness
By Stuart Heritage

God how I hate these things. Just what you need to make you feel secure at home when you’re a kid: domestic paranormal surveillance. (mutter)

Hollywood, March 6, 1992 

“Even though Kurt died in the most horrific way possible, there is this mythology and romanticism that surrounds him, because he’s 27 forever. The shelf life of an artist or musician isn’t particularly long. Kurt has gotten to icon status because he will never age. He will always be that relevant in that time and always be beautiful.” - Frances Bean Cobain

American followers with uteruses, this post pertains to your health and safety for the next four years. Donald Trump just reinstated the Global Gag Rule created by Regan in 1984. Under this rule, “foreign organizations that take US family planning money can’t use any money, from any other donor, on abortion-related services. The restriction applies to providing abortions or giving any information about abortion, including medical advice or referrals — even in countries where abortion is legal.”

I urge you all to consider buying Plan B as this presidency progresses. It’s only day 3 and Trump has already made abortions more difficult to obtain. I’m afraid to see a spike in maternity-related deaths. Plan B can be picked up at any pharmacy. While it does cost $50, it has a four-year shelf life. In this presidency, we have to be ready for a condom to break. We have to be ready in the event we get assaulted. Protect yourselves as best you can because our president is not going to protect you. If you can afford to buy it, do so as soon as possible before he tries to take Plan B off of the local pharmacy’s shelves. 

“Even though Kurt died in the most horrific way possible, there is this mythology and romanticism that surrounds him, because he’s 27 forever. The shelf life of an artist or musician isn’t particularly long. Kurt has gotten to icon status because he will never age. He will always be that relevant in that time and always be beautiful.” - Frances Bean Cobain

The Origins of Pasta

Pasta, as we know it today, can only be made from triticum turgidum var. durum, or “durum wheat.” Because of its high gluten content, this type of wheat allows hard, dry pasta with a long, safe shelf life. Because the ancient Etruscans and Romans did not know about durum wheat, they could not have invented pasta.

That honor likely goes to the Arabs. In a dictionary by Syrian physician and lexicographer Isho bar Ali published in the 900s, we have something called “itriyya” – string-like pasta shapes made of semolina and dried before cooking. This early Arab version made its way to Sicily a few centuries later, where it was called triyakh. However, there is still debate today over whether the Sicilians had pasta introduced by their Arab invaders, or independently invented it, and just picked up the name.

Set goals, stay quiet about them.
Smash the shit out of them!
Clap for your damn self!
Complete everyday.

Today marks the birthday of legendary fossil hunter Roy Chapman Andrews. Born in 1880, Andrews began at the Museum as a whale researcher and went on to lead a team that made spectacular fossil discoveries in Central Asia in the 1920s. 

Thanks to the Museum’s web series Shelf Life, you too can join an Andrews expedition. Shelf Life’s Fossil Hunting in the Gobi in 360 takes viewers into the field on the explorer’s historic expeditions to this vast desert, where his team turned up some of the world’s most iconic fossils, including the first clutch of dinosaur eggs ever discovered.

Andrews is just one piece of the Museum’s storied history of scientific exploration. The new season of Shelf Life features today’s paleontologists, as well as other scientists conducting research around the globe.

consider this:

Guang-Hong and Leo Skyping each other over the weekends.

These two nerds doing homework together because personally I see Leo as this straight(lol)-A student, and Guang-Hong must be focusing on his NCEE now that he’s seventeen, right?? That is, assuming he wants to go to college despite being a pro skater (which, lemme tell you, is prolly a yes because his parents would push for it, and because the shelf life of a pro skater is woefully short).

Kinda guesstimating here, but the time difference is around 12-14 hours between them, so Guang-Hong might just get a random call in the middle of the day like, “Leo! What are you doing up at two in the morning!”

(He’s memeing. Leo has a tumblr and shitposts all day you can fight me on this.)

Leo’s great at math and practical sciences while Guang-Hong is actually really good at languages. There’s a joke between the two of them that he speaks better English than Leo does, and Leo always goes to him to help edit his college essays. Whenever Guang-Hong is stumped with a calculus problem, though, Leo can always give him the right answer.

Sometimes they just do their work in silence and don’t even talk to each other, but occasionally their eyes will meet and they’ll smile at each other and go back to doing whatever it is they’re doing.

When neither of them can focus on their work, Leo will just say fuck it and spend the rest of the night spamming Guang-Hong with cat videos and vines.

And sometimes they’ll coordinate programs halfway across the world from each other and post them online jointly. All the fans following them are split into the shipping and friend-zoning fandoms. One time Leo uploaded a video of him trying to get Guang-Hong to sing karaoke with him and sparked a fandom war.

I like the idea of them being in a LDR; they can make one work, and because they’re in the same career field, one will know what the other has to go through. Of course they’ll struggle—the time differences make it hard to spend a lot of time together, and on top of that there’s also skating and training times to work around, not to mention academics. It’s frustrating for them, but they IM each other all the time and have Sundays off. It becomes a ritual for them to video call each other the night before either has a major competition, and they always take forever to end the call.

Guang-Hong, sweet star prince that he is, is always on SNS. Because of Leo, of course—never know when he’ll get a message, so that thing about quitting social media? Lol not gonna happen (unless Leo finds out and stubbornly refuses to talk to Guang-Hong while he trains). But all jokes aside, they make a really nice couple. I ship them with all my heart.

  • (Bitty trying to teach Jack how to bake and appreciate food)
  • Bitty: Try being more descriptive. I know you love Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches. Why?
  • Jack: Their components have a long shelf life, they're cost effective, and they're so simple a child could make them.

5 Facts About the Fascinating Coelacanth

  • When the first modern coelacanth was discovered in 1938 off the coast of South Africa, scientists were amazed: this group of fish had been long thought to have gone extinct at the end of the Cretaceous period, some 70 million years ago.
  • There are two living species of coelacanth, the West Indian Ocean coelacanth and the Indonesian coelacanth. These fish live in deep saltwater environments and can grow to be nearly 2 meters long. Paleontologists know the order was once much more diverse, though, and included massive species that dwelled in ancient freshwater lakes and were up to 5 meters long.
  • Like many sharks, coelacanths give birth to live young, a rarity in fish. This wasn’t known until the Museum’s first coelacanth specimen was dissected in 1975– and found to be pregnant with five embryos.
  • Coelacanths were once thought to be a possible “missing link” between fish and early land-dwelling tetrapods. Though they are related to coelacanths, studies have shown that lungfish is tetrapods’ closest ancestor.
  • Coelacanths have an organ filled with a jelly-like substance near the front of their heads, a feature found in no other vertebrate. Researchers think this “rostral organ” plays a role in coelacanth hunting, detecting low-frequency electrical signals given off by prey.

Learn much more in the newest episode of Shelf Life: 6 Ways to Prepare a Coelacanth. 

things I say at least 20 times per shift

(…or mutter under my breath, or whisper into the headset)

•can I have a name for the order?
•what size?
•we’re gonna need more ice soon
•*singing* I’m so stickyyyy
•I’m sorry, can you repeat that?
•ok we need more ice now
•how many pumps was that?
•______ do you have a headset on?
•what size?
•we have black, green or passion
•room for cream?
•can you repeat that one more time please
•hot or iced?
•someone just murder me pls
•ok, what size was that?
•can anyone get ice??? anyone…?
•do you have a recipe?
•fuck me
•what size?
•shit what’s the shelf life on this
•what size?
•what size?
•what size?
•what size?
•what size?
•what size?
•I’m quitting
•…what size?