LOTR: Trick or Treat
Disclaimer: All characters are copyrighted to their respective owners and I do not have any affiliation or hold any ownership rights with Middle-earth Enterprises (The Tolkien Estate), The Saul Zaentz Company, Warner Brothers and Time Line Cinema. No profit is being made.
Author’s Note: For @sdavid09‘s “What If” challenge prompt: What if Haldir and Legolas teamed up to prank Gimli?.
PG-Rated. No warning except drunkenness and unruly behavior.
Main Characters: Legolas, Haldir, and Gimli
Trick or Treat
Lorien’s leaves shimmered about them, and Legolas was in a melancholy state. He sat at the base of a grand tree, and thought over the events since they had left Rivendell. Gandalf was dead, and the quest was as the Lady said hanging upon the edge of a knife. What could be done about it? He had no answers. He wanted his heart to have some cheer. But what cheer could be had. The lament for Gandalf was sung around him. He had seen The Ringbearer leave, following Galadriel. No doubt to look into her famed water mirror.
The snoring in the sleeping area where Gimli was had stopped a couple of minutes ago and he had since been declaring that he there was no way he would be caught off his guard again. Legolas liked the dwarf, but sometimes that misguided bragging about his prowess was a bit agitating. Legolas snickered and tried not to laugh outright when Gimli just then noticed The Ringbearer was gone, and was starting to panic.
When the dwarf began to raise his voice so much that Legolas knew he would wake up the hobbits, and the men, he called out to him from across the way, “Gimli! Be calm!” He stood and made his way to the dwarf.
“Calm? Frodo is gone!” Gimli worried.
“What is this dwarf babbling about now?” They heard a voice say from a hill above them. It was Haldir. He made his way down the hill and stood next to Legolas.
Gimli gave Haldir a contemptous look. Then exclaimed, “The ringbearer is gone and this pointy earred princling thinks I should calm down!”
Haldir exchanged an exasperated glance with Legolas, then clarified with a look of irritation, “He is with my lady Galadriel.” Legolas and Haldir would have laughed at the look that crossed the dwarf’s features at the Lady of Light’s name had it not been over something so ridiculous.
After all, if Frodo had been in danger did Gimli really believe that Legolas and the Galadrium would just sit around and let it happen?
Gimli let the subject drop with an “Oh” and then asked, “Is there anything to eat and drink in this place besides food fit for deer and drink only the trees will want?”
Haldir’s eyebrow lifted at that, and Legolas pursed his lips trying to avoid telling the dwarf to mind his manners.
“Of course.” Haldir replied through a tight smile.
Haldir turned to leave and Legolas, after giving Gimli a sharp look, followed him. Haldir stopped and let him catch up.
“How do you even cope?” Haldir commented with visible agitation. They began to walk again and made their way to the area where food was prepared.
Legolas swallowed and decided to go mid-ground. “He isn’t all that bad. To be honest he reminds me of a very gritty version of my father.”
Haldir let out a bark of laughter at that. “That creature! Your father has more class than that. Definitely a better taste in clothes.”
Legolas gave him a swift nod of acknowledgement before he said, “The clothes yes, and in speech yes. But the temper and the pride, trust me it’s very much the same.”
Haldir laughed again. “Well, in that case what would your father do?”
Legolas cocked his head to the side and smirked, “Drink a whole barrel of wine and eat himself full probably. Then complain of a headache in the morning just before he ravishes my mother for two hours straight.”
“How do you know your father beds your mother that long?”
“They are not exactly quiet.” Legolas said with a knowing smile.
Haldir nodded and having pointed out what should go on the plate. Lembas, some rice and various other things, he then turned his attention to the drink.
“Well, if that is what your father does to get into a better spirit then we must try it with your travel companion. Though I can honestly say I do not think any of our maidens or matrons will desire to be ravished by a dwarf.” Haldir said as he poured the mug half full and began to reach for the water to dilute it.
Legolas smirked. An idea had come to him that could get Gimli singing happily in a drunken daze and without draining the supply of the local wine. Plus it would be a good joke to be had in the morning that the dwarf had not been able to hold his own with Elvish wine.
“Leave it be Haldir. Give it to him just is.”
“What?!” Haldir asked in surprise then cocked his head to the side as he listened to Legolas reasons.
“You’re either very cruel or very gifted.” Haldir replied and filled the goblet full of wine, then filled a nearby wine pitcher with the undiluted wine.
They made their way back and handed the plate to the grimace of the dwarf. He downed the food in record time nonetheless, and then reached for the wine. The two elves did their best to not smirk. The dwarf took a small sip and then held it away. “Your food is something to be desired, but your wine the highest marks!”
The elves nodded and sat down across from him on an uprooted tree root. The dwarf downed the goblet in a few gulps and then blinked his eyes. The alcohol was already starting to get to him.
“More?” Haldir offered holding the pitcher aloft.
“Aye.” Gimli held his goblet out to be filled. “Yer wines must have been sitting for a long while to gather this strength.”
When the goblet was full again, Gimli turned it up to his lips and began downing it, albeit more slowly. Afterwards he let out a loud belch, and tried to stand.
“More?” Haldir asked holding the pitcher out to him.
Gimli shook his head and approached the two, and stood swaying slightly, “Normally I would say aye. But no… I think I need to go over here and have a conversation with this fellow.”
The two looked over to where Gimli was staring with a stern expression. All that was there was a tree trunk and some branches that hung low. “Which fellow would that be sir?” Haldir asked with an amused smile.
“That one right there. Standing there swaying and making unfriendly gestures with his hands at me, he is.” Gimli said and started over to the offending area. Legolas snorted and got up intending to guide Gimli back and to his bed to sleep it off. However Gimli had already managed to make it to the tree trunk and was very heatedly throwing threats and insults at it.
Haldir stayed where he was for a moment laughing at the statements the dwarf was making, from the “I’ll show ye who can cross his eyes like that!” to “Yer hands are going to be pencils if ya don’t stop yer insults!” followed by “Got nothing to say huh? Or are ya just that cocky? I’ll show ya!” He then stood and sprinted up to the two as Legolas stood behind the dwarf as he continued to spout off and both stopped him just before he threw a punch at the tree trunk.
“I think it is time for bed!” Legolas declared, and the two had to literally drag a wriggling and squirming dwarf back to the bed area. Aragorn had awakened along with Pippin who stood back watching. Aragorn was shaking his head with a hand over his mouth to keep from laughing and Pippin who had not really known what was going on looked confused.
Pippin came over and helped tuck Gimli in who was still declaring he was going to ‘fight that bastard til he dropped a bloody mess’. Then all broke out in laughter, surprise when Gimli grabbed Pippin by the nape of the neck, declared with a smile, “You’re a pretty lass!” and planted a big, wet kiss on Pippin’s lips. Pippin pulled back shocked and with that Gimli laughed and fell asleep.
With scrunched up eyes Haldir fetched a wet cloth for Pippin who was frantically wiping his mouth off and asked “What on earth was wrong with Gimli.”
“Just a little food.” Legolas commented.
“And a whole lot of undiluted wine.” Haldir smirked and exchanged a look with Legolas.
“Well, I never want to be around when he does that again. His breath tastes like berry flavored chalk and leaves.” Pippin said and went over to Aragorn who gave him a look of mirth.
“I wonder where he got the undiluted wine from.” Aragorn said with raised eyebrows. Legolas gave him an innocent look. He merely nodded, and sat back down from where he had been standing the doorway to Gimli’s sleeping area. “I would have liked to see how far he would have gotten in that contest with that tree though.” Aragorn commented with a snicker.
Haldir and Legolas exchanged looks.
“Come to think of it, I would have to.” Haldir commented and strode off back into the forest throwing a hand up saying goodnight.
“You’re in charge of hangover Gimli tomorrow Legolas.” Aragorn replied as he caught the amused look on Legolas face.
Legolas rolled his eyes. Of course. “Should we tell him about it, you think?” Legolas asked in a whisper before Aragorn went back to lay down.
“Not right away. But I understand we’ll be taking boats. It should be an amusing conversation topic for the two of you out on open water.” Aragorn said and sat down on his bed and lay down.
Legolas shook his head, “Well, I am a good swimmer at least.”
Addition Author’s Note: A note about why two filled goblets of wine could intoxicate Gimli so: Back in the days when people kept their wine in beeswax lined pitchers and vases and barrels, the wine was stronger. It was 100% proof. People would generally dilute it and their ales with water, and when sugar was available add it. Hence, Legolas and Haldir are giving Gimli 100% proof wine here, and is why it made him so drunk so fast. (Don’t ask me why I am such a wealth of useless facts like this. lol)