the sandvich

Offense

-Scout

Look at the boy. Look at him! Cute face with the little buck teeth and small skinny arms that are good for hugs and pats and everything. He run fast! He talk fast! He smile good! He tries his best at everything and I want a self esteem as big as his. Look at that good boy! He’s a happy boy! So pure and full of wonder!!

-Soldier

A good man! Strong! Powerful! Caring! He loves racoons and teleports bread. Very patriotic but loves his friends because they’re a team. He loves his team! He loves his family! He loves America!! He can neck snap bears!! Strong man very caring and goofy but also powerful!!!!

-Pyro

He is a pure child! Doesn’t want to hurt anybody but it’s not his fault. He doesn’t know what he’s doing; just wanna help!! He makes warm fires! Always happy. Always a good boy in my heart. Look! He has!! A poof!!! He wants to stay warm and he is a good warm boy inside. Good child!!

Defense

-Demoman

LOOK. He happy!! He pure!! Albeit drunk a few times, he’s still a good guy at heart! Would give you a hug if you’re sad! Energetic and understanding plus wants you to have a good day all day everyday!!!! A good good man! Can turn his entire body into an alcohol converter and very smart. Made his own bombs!! Smart!!! Lookie!!! He will get his job back! He will be with his friends! He will be with his family and he loves his family!!! A good man!!

-Heavy

He has! A good heart! Loves family! Loves friend! What if someone hurt friend?? HE CRUSH LIKE LEETLE BABY because he loves them!! Strong and kind. Gives Sandvich to those that are hurt. Respects others! Smart!! A good man!!! Doesn’t understand petty game when you can just smash everything and win like that. Good!! He finds other ways to win a game instead of just one that is efficient!! A good and smart man!!!!

-Engineer

A good man! Very patient and soft. Hard worker! Very patient! Smart man and knows how to build things!! Soft!!! Reads stories to make Pyro happy. A good man at heart! Short and cute too!!! Lookie him!!! He has his goggles up!! He is reading a story nice and soft!! I want him to read me cute child stories before bed!!! Nice man!!!!!


Support

-Medic

He is!! A man!! Of science!! Smart and does experiments; very curious indeed. Baboon babies! He smile! He smart! He trick satan!! He frees friends from sin. He hold baby! He has family! He saves Sniper!!! A good man! A science man!! Looks evil but is really good inside!! Has feelings; pls don’t hurt them. He loves his birds!!

-Sniper

HE HAS!! GOOD BODY!! He got shot but lived because he’s the most dangerous man on the island!!! A true sniper; takes the shot. He saves friends! He saves family! Nice hair; nice scars!!! Can headshot good and has respect. A professional!!! 

-Spy

Always! Looking! Good! Can disguise. Can lie. Can seduce. He taught his son how to date!! A good man! Can hide quickly and loves children. Loves children!!! A good man at heart and good actor. Best actor!!

(See, I personally know how this feels. Got a little brother, who I swear to GOD is more of a sugarholic than both Scouts combined -_-“ Even if I only treat myself a single candy bar, I can mournfully guarantee there will be two big bites taken out of it when I go check on it -_-” Thankfully the kid isn’t gonna make a tumblr for a few years, so I can still rant about him without him knowing ;P Thanks for sending it in, Anon!)

Scout: Even though he’s usually the one to take another’s food, he acts like someone just shot his father, which, doesn’t that happen everyday, multiple times??, when HIS is taken. ‘Can’t trust any of ya,’ ’Can’t friggin’ believe this!’ 'SPY, STOP IT! I know it’s ya, BECAUSE YA ALWAYS GO FOR MA’S COOKING! STOP ITTTTTT’ Aaaaaand of course, after the hour long whining session, he makes his revenge plan… Take EVERYONE’S FOOD. And the cycle just starts all over again, joy.

Engineer: Waits by the fridge with an at-ready shotgun. Engie doesn’t mess around, not when it comes to his mama’s cooking.

Sniper: Smirks, because jokes on them. That ain’t normal food, that’s AUSTRALIAN food, buddy. Your digestive organs are gonna be in a bit of a predicament, right about…. now.

Soldier: Well first, EVERYONE knows when Soldier has lost his 'rations’, because he starts screeching at the VERY early hours of the morning, that ’A TRAITOR HAS STOLEN MY RATIONS!!!!’ Everyone is then dragged out of bed, lined up so he may properly scream in their faces. Everyone starts shuffling out when he starts insisting that EVERYONE needs to puke out their guts, so he can find the correct perpetrator.

Demoman: So salty. Sooooooo salty. Grumbling, cursing, and vowing revenge, Demo is so pissed. He doesn’t really act on any dark impulses though, just flips the theif off before forgetting about the whole thing the next day.

Medic: He. Always. Knows. And he’s so passive-aggressively salty about it too. At first it’s just glares in the theifs general direction, but then it turns into a full-fledged WAR between them, once Medic starts sticking the doves after the perpetrator. This goes on for about a week, until he corners them into the infirmary, and… well, to say the least, they won’t be eating his food for at least a week… or ANY food, for a matter of fact. ’Try to keep the stitches dry, ja?!’ ’How can I… THEY’RE INSIDE OF ME.’ A quick trip to respawn should fix the issue for them, but the message is still very clear.

Pyro: Pyro never keeps food for themselves, in a place everyone else eats. Hell, if it wasn’t for the fact that it you offer Pyro food, blink and suddenly the food is GONE, half the team would still be convinced the Merc doesn’t EAT. They do, it’s just really, really quick. Or maybe they just hold the food in their mouth like a squirrel until they head back to their room???

Heavy: WHO TOUCHED HIS FOOD?! No one is safe.

Spy: Well, it’s a pity to be them, since he regularly poisons his meals. He keeps the antidote on tap for himself, but he can usually tell who took his food, when they keel over in the hallway quite suddenly. It’s a thrilling way to have dinner, knowing you have to down the antidote before your heart offically stops.

Things I love about TF2

• The characters, every single one of em, I freaking love them all

• Scout being described with buckteeth in almost every fanfiction I’ve read about him

• The amazing friendship between the characters my heart can’t fucking take

• The overall look and feel of the game, it doesn’t take itself all too serious and that’s fucking genius

• Medic and Heavy, thanks

• Saxton Hale’s fuckin chesthair

• Soldier’s fine and flawless version of Noah’s Ark

• “Let’s go practise medicine”

• Pyro, just… Pyro

• Engie’s voice, he has such a nice calm voice I could listen to him reading the bloody phonebook

• Sniper’s little “under his breath” comments whenever he’s got a kill

• Spy’s overly sence of drama

• Again the fact that they’re niCE TO EACH OTHER AND IM FINALLY INTO A FUCKING GAME WHERE CHARACTERS APPRECIATE EACH OTHER AND WHAT THEY DO NO MATTER WHAT, IT WARMS MY FUCKING HEART

• The Sandvich