[ The PCs are interrogating a crying, mentally disabled teenager about an escaped zoo animal. ]
Bard: “I want to sense motive on him.”
Bard: “Yeah! He’s shady! I think he’s lying!”
Rogue: “What? No! He’s upset, he’s not–”
Bard: [ rolls ] “Twenty-three.”
DM: “With that roll, you realize with perfect clarity that he is a sobbing, mentally disabled teenager who feels terrible about what just happened.”
Rogue: “How else was that going to go?!”
one time, we were playing and we were looking for this crime boss named giovanni, and we weren’t having any luck. we snuck into the prison, and my boss (a seven foot tall really hot lizard lady) and i (a tsundere mercenary dwarf) decided to split up. so i stood on a table and screamed:
“Hey! Anyone want to score with this hot lady? It’ll only take twenty bucks and Giovanni’s location!”
The fact that Panic! At The Disco, Twenty One Pilots, and Fall Out Boy toured together once and pulled pranks on each other at one of the shows breaks my heart daily. Like the fact that I did not get the chance to see something so perfect in person eats away at me everyday.
My child, someday:
Mommy will you tell me a bedtime story?
Alright… it’s the summer of 2001. Joe meets Patrick, and he’s like “Yo, I know about music.” And Patrick’s like “Yo, I know more about music.” “That’s impossible. Do you wanna start a band?” And Patrick’s like “Yeah, that’s cool.” And then he’s like “Yo, this is a book store. It’s not a music store.” And then they met at Patrick’s house. So Patrick’s wearing shorts and socks and a hat. Patrick is playing drums for some fuckin reason. And Pete’s there for some reason. They start playing music together, and they’re like “Oh, let’s play some fuckin covers from some other bands!” It was like Green Day, and fuckin Misfits, and fuckin Ramones. Pete said to Joe “Yo, we gotta change this shit up… Yo, we played all these bands. Let’s play shit from Fall Out Boy.” And so Pete and Patrick are like “Yo, that’s dope. But we need a fuckin drummer!” Because Patrick’s playing drums and he’s a singer. Patrick’s like “Yo, I got a soul voice.” And they’re like “Wait, how do you have a soul voice?” And he’s like “Yo, watch this. YEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAAAHHHHH!” And they’re like “Oh my god! That sounds like soul!” So they put in in the song, and it was like “WHERE IS YOUR BOY TONIGHIGHIGHIGHIGHIGHIGHIGHT?!” And then they’re like “Yo, that’s fuckin perfect. This is Fall Out Boy.” And they made records like… “Evening Out with Your Ex-Girlfriend.” “Evening Out with Your Ex-Girlfriend” and everybody loves it. It’s called “Eating Out Your Girlfriend.” And it’s real and it doesn’t matter. And Pete talked to Patrick and Joe, and he was like “Yo, what the FUUUUCK?! Yo, this is gonna be fuckin DOOOOPE!” So they made a record, and it was called “Take This to Your Grave.” They made it without a drummer! And they had like three, four drummers come in. The four drummers they had come in were like… Josh Freese… Neil Peart… the dude from Toto… the fourth one was like the guy from Papa Roach or something. And they’re like “Yo, we need Andy Hurley.” “Andy Hurley. ‘Take This to Your Grave.’ Fuckin record it.” And he did it. And he killed it. And he was like “BIGIDIGIDILILILLL PSSSHHH!” Killin the skins. Tappin the skins. Tappin the rim. Playin the shit. Killin these bitches. Rappin it out. “We should get signed to Fueled by Ramen. Cuz these guys know what the fuck is goin on.” And they were like “Yo, if you can make our scene any bigger than it is, which is not fuckin hard, we will sign you guys.” And he was like “YO, we got this record that’s fuckin dope, dude. It’s called ‘Take This to Your Grave.’ It’s called ‘From Under the Cork Tree’ and it’s gonna be huge.” And then Patrick’s like “I gotta keep it real. I gotta keep it artistic. These are three songs that are gonna make the ablum: it’s called “Thnks fr th Mmrs,” “Twenty Dollar Nosebleed,” and “Sugar, We’re Goin Down.” And they made this record that was fuckin dope. And it fuckin hit on the charts like 1, 2, 3… 3, 2, 1… 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10… 10 to 1! “From Under the Cork Tree” sold like four million records! …10 million records! …15 MILLION RECORDS! And Brendon Urie had nothing to do with the entire record. And Patrick was like “That’s GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!” Pete was like “Yo, FUCK YOU! I can do whatever I want.” Joe was like “Yeah, it’s cool, man, whatever, I don’t give a shit.” And then Andy was like “Eh… cool.” And Pete was like “Makeup is fuckin great for a guy. Because it makes a guy look beautiful. Which, a lot of times, a guy is not beautiful. And I wanna change that. I wanna make sure that everybody thinks that guys are beautiful.” Pete was like “Oh my god, I’m so embarrassed about this dick pic!” And then I saw the dick pic, and I was like “Eh, it’s not bad.” It’s not a bad dick. Let’s be real. We made Rolling Stone one issue before Fall Out Boy. And Fall Out Boy made the issue right after us, and they were so pissed! They were like “Yo, fuck you guys!” They were like “YO! Panic! has the fucking cover of Rolling Stone?! Yo, FUCK THESE DUDES! We’re gonna fucking go MILES above! We’re gonna hit every fuckin continent there is known to man!” But they didn’t! Because they missed a second of time. Apparently. They were like “Oh shoot, we got every continent.” And they didn’t actually hit it. And Pete was like “What the FUCK?!” Oh you didn’t fucking make the continent… it’s like FUCK YOU! So “From Under the Cork Tree” happens. We fuckin have three, four years of awesomeness. People are cumming on themselves because it’s so big. So Fall Out Boy was like… So Patrick was like “Yo, we’re gonna name these records ‘From Under the Cork Tree’ and ‘From Infinity on High.’” Pete was like “Yo, ‘Folie à Deux’ means the theatric of two.” Fall Out Boy was like “Yo, we gotta take a break.” Meaning Pete was like “Yo, we gotta take a break, bruh.” And Patrick’s like “I need time for my music!” And Joe’s like “Yo. I need time to find the fuckin art, dude. I gotta find some fuckin metal.” And Andy’s like “I’m just gonna play with some fuckin metal bands!” And they’re like “Alright, this break’s been like three years long… two years long… three years long… three and a half? We gotta fucking come back, man. We gotta come back STRONG!” “We gotta make this shit legit. It’s gonna be fuckin dope. It’s gonna go fuckin sky high! We’re gonna make a fuckin record that sails the skies! We’re gonna call this record 'Save Rock and Roll.'” So they made “Alone Together,” “Light ‘Em Up,” “Alone Together,” “Phoenix.” And everybody’s like “What the fuck?! You’re working with this guy who fuckin recorded Avril Lavigne and Pink.” Pete was like “Yo, we’re gonna end up on tour with Panic! at the Disco and Twenty Pilots.” And that’s all. And that’s all that matters. And that’s just how the fuckin story goes.