the reviews classics

ONE-STAR REVIEWS OF JANE EYRE

Spoilers ahead… sort of.

“Ugh. Overdramatic, far too emotive, and why is it always raining?”

“SPOILER ALERT!!!! Melodrama Jane marries a boring, condescending dumb head because his eyes fall out.”

“I hated this book. Mostly because I don’t care what types of stone the house was made of and I didn’t really think it was necessary to spend 20 pages discussing it.”

“Bronze’s writing is very detailed, preachy, and racist. Jane ( and all the characters) are ignorant, racist, and arrogant. But what else would you expect of Britains in the 1800s?”

“This is essentially ‘Twilight’ from the nineteenth century - a bunch of wholly undesirable guys who are falling head over heels in love with a girl who is described as “plain” and is downright boring.”

“What the hell is wrong with Jane? And in the end, why the FUCK is she still in love with Mr. Rochester? The guy is clearly psychotic. He keeps his mentally ill wife locked up in the attic while he’s out trying to woe another woman and PROPOSES to her? WHILE HE’S STILL MARRIED TO THE PSYCHO WOMAN?!”

“If you really want to know the story of Jane Eyre just watch Cinderella and strip away the fairy god mother, and all the fun.”

“‘Reader - i wanted to strangle her’…fervid and turgid…warped and twisted - her ability to write well I wouldnt argue, but this novel is preposterous and somewhat unhealthy…like all Bronte novels.”

“‘Jane Eyre’ follows the story of a girl named ‘Jane Eyre,’ who lives in what I guess is the 19th century. Want to know what people do for fun in the 19th century? Not much. Walk around gardens and try to fall in love with men who are 90 years older than them, mostly.”

“To call Jane Eyre a feminist text is to insult women. To call it a feminist novel is to insult literature. And to call Charlotte Bronte a writer is to insult civilization. Might as well call Hitler a humanitarian.”

“To those who recommended this book, I forgive you. I know you meant well.”

ONE-STAR REVIEWS OF PLATO’S SYMPOSIUM

“Don’t read this if you’re a woman.”

“The Ancient Greeks (or these ones specifically) were full of crap.”

“Plato, you wanker. Shut up.”

“Some useful tips on curing hiccups.”

“A bunch of arrogant, misguided, ridiculous mental masturbation.”

“Plato and his crew were sketchy motherfuckers.”

“I think I’m just not into ancient Greek sausage fests.”

“I think anyone that gave anything Plato wrote more than two stars probably didn’t really read it and just wants to seem intelligent.”

“Near the end the characters had drinks by which Socrates was among them. Apparently he is the man because by a night of heavy drinking was still able to remain coherent. Kudos to him.”

“As is typical of Plato, he has some astonishingly good points about the nature of love butted right up against patent absurdity. But what more can one expect from a pagan philosopher?”

“Philosophy is a strange field to me. Most of the time, I can’t get past the idea that a philosopher’s main activity is making things up.”

And the most honest reviewer there ever was:

“(Socrates is the fucking worst.)”

Books Everyone Should Read!

I’ve wanted to do this for ages, so here goes. These are some of the books/plays/poets that I think (this is just my opinion!) everyone should read before they die. If anyone wants to add to the list, then please do by commenting or reblogging!

Originally posted by blackewhitelover


Fantasy and/or Children’s Novels: 

  • The Harry Potter Series - J. K. Rowling. Anyone who knows me, knows that I will always love Potter, until the very end. 
  • The Lord of the Rings & The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien.
  • The Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis.
  • The Percy Jackson Series - Rick Riordan. All of his books are great, not just this series, but the others too.
  • Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through The Looking Glass - Lewis Carroll.
  • The Wonderful Wizard of Oz (The Oz Books) - L. Frank Baum.
  • The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare.
  • A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket.
  • The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett.
  • The Once & Future King - T. H. White. 

Dystopian and/or Utopian Novels: 

  • The Hunger Games - Suzanne Collins.
  • The Maze Runner Trilogy - James Dashner. 
  • The Divergent Trilogy - Veronica Roth.

  • The Giver Quartet - Lois Lowry.
  • Lord of the Flies -  William Golding.

  • The Handmaid’s Tale -  Margaret Atwood.
  • The Road - Cormac McCarthy.

Gothic and/or Horror Novels:

  • Dracula - Bram Stoker.
  • The Beetle: A Mystery - Richard Marsh.
  • The Bloody Chamber - Angela Carter.
  • Frankenstein - Mary Shelley.
  • The Fall of the House of Usher & Other Writings - Edgar Allen Poe.
  • Interview with a Vampire - Anne Rice.
  • The Darren Shan Series - Darren Shan. 
  • Salem’s Lot - Stephen King.
  • Dreamcatcher - Stephen King.
  • The Shining - Stephen King.
  • Carrie - Stephen King. 

Young Adult and/or Influential Novels:

  • To Kill A Mockingbird - Harper Lee (I have Go Set A Watchman but I still need to read it!). 
  •  Oranges Aren’t The Only Fruit -  Jeanette Winterson.
  • The Catcher in the Rye - J. D. Salinger. 
  • The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini. 
  • The Virgin Suicides - Jeffery Eugenides. 
  • The Perks of Being a Wallflower - Stephen Chbosky. 
  • All The Bright Places - Jennifer Niven. 
  • Attachments - Rainbow Rowell. 
  • Eleanor & Park - Rainbow Rowell.
  • Fangirl - Rainbow Rowell. 
  • Landline - Rainbow Rowell.
  • Carry On - Rainbow Rowell.
  • Looking For Alaska - John Green.
  • An Abundance of Katherines - John Green.
  • Paper Towns - John Green.
  • Will Grayson, Will Grayson - John Green & David Levithan. 
  • The Fault in Our Stars - John Green.
  • Me and Earl and the Dying Girl - Jesse Andrews. 

Crime and/or Thriller Novels: 

  • The Alex Rider Series - Anthony Horowitz.
  • The Cuckoo’s Calling -  Robert Galbraith (J. K. Rowling). 
  • The Silkworm -  Robert Galbraith (J. K. Rowling).
  • Career of Evil -  Robert Galbraith (J. K. Rowling).

Classics:

  • The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald.
  • The Picture of Dorian Gray - Oscar Wilde.
  • Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen.
  • Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen.
  • Mansfield Park - Jane Austen.
  • Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte.
  • Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte.
  • Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck.
  • Great Expectations - Charles Dickens.
  • The Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck.
  • Moby-Dick; or, The Whale - Herman Melville.
  • Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens.
  • The Beach -  Alex Garland.

Plays (read them and if you can see a performance or two, there’s nothing like the theatre):

  • The Oresteia -  Aeschylus.
  • The Three Theban Plays - Sophocles.
  • The Odyssey - Homer. 
  • The Iliad - Homer. 
  • William Shakespeare’s Plays (these are just a few of my favourites!): 

Titus Andronicus.

Measure for Measure. 

Macbeth.

Hamlet.

A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

The Merchant of Venice.

As You Like It.

Twelfth Night.

  • The Duchess of Malfi - John Webster. 

Poetry:

  • William Blake’s Poetry - Literally one of my favourite poets. 
  • William Wordsworth’s Poetry.
  • War Poetry -  two of my favourites are Wilfred Owen and Siegfried Sassoon.
  • Sylvia Plath’s Poetry - C’mon, who hasn’t read her work?
  • Carol Ann Duffy - I love her. 

I think that’s all I have for now. I know I’m missing loads, but this is what I’ve been able to come up with so far. Also, just because she asked this is for the lovely @glide-thru, I read a lot :P

There is no better feeling than being tucked in bed reading Thomas Hardy…

ONE-STAR REVIEWS OF THE AENEID

(because this was way too fun to not do again)

“Why cant we do a unit on say, Vampire Academy or DIVERGENT!!!!!! That would be amazingly amazing, but nooooo we have to read junk that was written 30 kajilion years ago because it is ‘more educational and important than silly scifi love triangles’”

“poor man’s Homer” 

“blatant plagiarism” 

“I flamed out around book 3”

“I don’t care if it’s a classic. I don’t care if Dante loved it. I hated it.”

“felt a lot like watching a really long action movie”

“Got bored of the audiobook at book 7 of 12 and wikipedia’d the story”

“let’s face it: Juno’s a vindictive bitch and Aeneas is pretty wooden”

“Book twelve is just beheadings. So is book eleven. And book ten…”

“like a mythology episode of the X-Files”

“All the women are psychotic and King Lineus is a moron. Plus, Virgil was totally kissing Caesar Augustus’s butt.”

“ If you think translating thousands of lines of Latin into English brings out the excitement of the story, you’re wrong.”

And my personal favorite:

“A gifted poet’s account of playing Mario Brothers to level 7.”

The Faces of Jason Voorhees

Happy Friday the 13th!  I figured for this special occasion I’d do a quick summary of how the villain in Friday the 13th changed throughout the original 10 movies.  Spoilers galore!

The fun part will be how we get to THE image of Jason Voorhees

But I’ll definitely keep going from there.  It’s not like it stops being fun.

Keep reading

ONE-STAR REVIEWS OF MACBETH

(I re-read this today and couldn’t resist.)

“Call this a Tragedy, but the only tragic element was that more of these characters didn’t die (and sooner).”

“Macbeth took things away from the people that dissevered those things and took matters into his own hands just as the lion king did in ‘Robin Hood.’”

“I know Macbeth is considered one of Shakespeares darkest novels and that could be one reason I was pulled away from it.”

“Terrifying depictions of evil are not my cup of tea.”

“I think Shakespeare has some verboseness issues.”

“I would rather watch my fish swim in his bowl for 3 hours instead of read this book.”

“If Shakespeare never signed any of his works how do we know he wrote them? A lot of information we think we know about Shakespeare is off of gossip. Aren’t we taught not to always believe the gossip we hear? I did know that some people question whether William Shakespeare wrote the plays attributed to him. I am one of those people. I think it is very important whether William Shakespeare wrote the plays, because everyone in the world is giving his name the credit!”

“This book wasent as interesting as i thought it would be. The killing was short and not intertaining. Not worth my time, We should have read somthing based on a true story.”

“I really hate old English with the intensity of a thousand suns and would rather beat my head in with a bat that read it but this is required and if I don’t do this my teacher will fail me.”

“I feel like Lady Mcbeth was a really ugly chick, I’m not sure why I think that but I do… I also dont see what is so important about being a king, especially since they already live in a castle. This book was stupid.”

“I never knew that people questioned William Shakespeare but yes it does matter if he wrote them or not. He shouldn’t be taking credit for these plays if he didn’t write them.”

“The only part I liked about the stupid book was how Mrs. Macbeth was able to boss around her wimpy husband. She was my favorite of the play, I think. Unfortunately, she died.” 

And the noble soul who speaks for all of us:

“Honestly, I didn’t like any of the characters in Macbeth, except the guy who called someone an egg.”

robot emojis review

classic art style with weird gradient shading, but cute and pudgy! 7/10

minimalist and very cute! a nice smile and good antennae. 8/10

YESSS. a VERY good robot. much more similar to modern robot designs (chappy, transformers, etc). colorful, but easy on the eye. refreshing. 10/10.

beep beep im a fucking keychain. cool grill, but looks like a cereal box toy. 6/10

what. what the fuck. it looks like its plotting to kill me. cooler grill, but gross. somehow the bolts look really ugly. 4/10

a classic robot but still unique! mechanical and aesthetic but non-threatening overall. i thought it was wearing headphones and a shirt at first 8.5/10

Jesus Christ its the fucking terminator without its skin. why is there a bolt in the middle of its face. there is no practical reason for this and it looks stupid. very cursed. 2/10 the electricity thing is cool i guess

WHAT the FUCk. what th e FUCK is this. get this 2008 ‘graphic design is my passion’ motherfucker out of here. 0/10 It’s Bad

Kropotkin described the Commune as a form of organisation that
extended across ‘artificial frontiers’. Unlike the communes that were formed in the city-states during the medieval period, this new idea did not describe a bounded unit or discrete organisation. In 1871, the Commune had brought people together in networks that facilitated the direct mapping the state management of production and the distribution of food, arms, clothing and other resources in crisis periods and beyond. Future communes would realise the potential. Kropotkin imagined them as inherently limitless and without a sovereign: it was a generic term or synonym for the interactions of groups and individuals who recognised their equality but who saw no defined boundaries or barriers to their interconnection.
—  Ruth Kinna, Kropotkin, Reviewing the Classical Anarchist Tradition, 2016
ONE-STAR REVIEWS OF HAMLET

“Hamlet is a whiny brat who should try shutting his mouth long enough to actually do something about his situation instead of hovering in an annoying state of indecision and self-doubt!”

“To read or not to read, that is the question. Sadly, I didn’t have a choice, because it was part of the syllabus for Grade 12 at school.”

“I know he sees a ghost, and goes mad, and kills people, but that’s not really a character. He’s just a mad asshole.”

“The best part was when Hamlet died and the story was over.”

“this book deserves 0 stars. shakespeare killed off all characters like who the hell is left man.”

“Not really a book i would recomend but I don’t regret reading it because it’s ‘cult’ to read shakespear.”

“Hamlet is a little bitch.”

“I’d rather just rewatch The Lion King again.”

“One star is my personal gift to Hamlet for being an asshole to Ophelia.” 

“SPOILER ALERT* Hamlet makes out with his mom then everyone dies the end” 

And the real hero here:

“Can I or can I not give it 0 stars? That is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler in the ears to suffer the slings and errors of outrageous analysis or to take arms against an essay of troubles and by writing it, end it. To write, to listen no more and by listening to say we end the heartache and thousand skull-splitting headaches that English class is heir to–'tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. To write, to listen, to listen perchance to get an A. Ay, there’s the rub. For in that all-nighter of death what ideas may come when we have shuffled off that insightful commentary must give us pause. There’s the boredom that makes English class so long of a period. For those who bear the whips and scorns of “nope you’re wrong,” th’ oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely, the pangs of despise and hate, the grades’ delay, the insolence of office, …… since brevity is the soul of wit, worst unit in English class ever.” 

A Rallying Cry To The Strange Magic Fandom!

So, for a while I have had a Love Hate relationship with Rotten Tomatoes, and it’s all based around Strange Magic being rated 16% on there. 

I mean…16%. I know that you know that I believe such a score is very undeserved. Unsurprising, though, given the underhanded and unfair way this movie’s marketing and release was handled, and the critics having their weird little hate-on for George Lucas. 

But that was the score from the critics. And while we can’t change their minds, this is where my love for Rotten Tomatoes comes in. Because they take into account that audiences reactions to movies can differ wildly from the critics. 

Hocus Pocus has a score of 30% from critics and yet a 70% from audiences. 

Labyrinth has a score of 66% from critics (a respectable score that didn’t stop it from being a box office bomb like Strange Magic), but has a solid 86% from audiences. 

Heck, even the recent Maleficent scored a 49% with critics and has a solid 71% with audiences! 

Strange Magic has 16% with critics, yes, but as of now its audience score is 50%. There’s 55 reviews, with an average rating of 3.8/10. 

I SAY WE BOOST THEM!

Flood Rotten Tomatoes with reviews and give Strange Magic the love it truly deserves, and see if we can raise that 50%! 

Tell why you love this movie so much, what really made your heart sing: the fresh take on a Beauty and Beast romance, the music, the strong female lead, the voice acting, the animation and character design, the fact that we finally got a movie with fairies that didn’t involve saving the forest…anything! 

Be honest! If you found the movie cheesy and cliched and enjoyable, write that down too! 

I know that reviews and critics opinions are essentially meaningless. In the end, scores and ratings have never stopped anyone from making a movie beloved. I also know that Strange Magic is still a very young movie and doesn’t have the nostalgia factor that Labyrinth and Hocus Pocus have. 

But given the unfair treatment it got from Disney screwing it over and critics determined to dislike it, I think it wouldn’t hurt to throw some extra love Strange Magic’s way. And I truly believe we can make a difference here.

SO PLEASE, SIGNAL BOOST THIS! SPREAD THE LOVE FOR STRANGE MAGIC! 

“At my back I always hear Time’s wingèd chariot hurrying near. And yonder all before us lie. Deserts of vast eternity.”

Set Between: ‘Five Twenty Nine’ and ‘The eye of the storm’

Stand alone?:  It’s part of a box-set  

Marks out of 10: 8/10

Summary of the plot:

River finds herself mysteriously working at a company which assists people in dreaming their lives away. The manager of which is very familiar indeed. River soon finds that the company is not all as it seems.

Review:

Funnily enough, James Goss’s last River Song story also involved dreams. As ‘Signs’ set the bar extremely high it was highly unlikely that Goss would produce anything which matched it in quality, and whilst I enjoyed ‘Signs’ considerably more, Goss has produced another detailed and compelling story. As all great writers should be, he is always one step ahead of the listener providing a great deal of indecipherable mystery. Whilst Goss’s stories are usually packed with unique and original ideas, this particular audio appeared similar in concept to ‘Sleep no more.’  It’s safe to say that if this story had been aired in place of ‘Sleep no more’ I would have enjoyed it considerably more.

This story sets off on a slow, light hearted and slightly confusing start but picks up about half way through as the Doctor and River begin to investigate the strange goings on at Golden Futures. The second half taking a more darker approach in contrast

I think I prefer the dynamic of River and Sixie over River and Doctor Seven. There’re very few companions who Colin Baker doesn’t have good chemistry with. Alex Kingston and Colin Baker’s scenes together are very well scripted and there is a great deal of profound dialogue for them to perform, and they certainly do preform! Rather like Amy Pond and Ace, River worships the Doctor and puts all faith in him and as we have seen previously with the character of Ace when that faith is shattered it results in incredibly deep and emotional scenes.

 Buy it here