Oh no :( There is a (probably very young) self-hating autistic trying to pick a fight in my ask box right now :( This is always so awkward and also sad and tiring :(
I know that there is a real person hurting behind a keyboard right now, and I’d love to address the internalized ableism, but trying to reason with this kind of anon is largely unproductive and I hate the idea of that kind of thing taking over my blog.
edit! I thought of something to say. Dear anon: It’s okay to be autistic. It’s okay to be disabled. You are okay. I am okay. We are all okay.
yuri on ice shows yuuri both realistically affected by his anxiety and also dealing with his anxiety as a known fact, knowing that he has irrational fears–that the feeling of fear is so real even if the reason behind them is not necessarily so. he’s not a fragile crystal glass about it. yuuri’s strength is so compelling because he consistently fights through these anxiety attacks that are causing very real, physical feelings of panic, and because sometimes he just isn’t in the right state to do it.
i really, really don’t think that yuuri actually questions at heart that people love and care for him. he’s so upset in episode 7 because he knows what victor says to him is bullshit, it’s just that victor voiced aloud what his anxiety was telling him. yuuri can both feel these things and know they’re wrong which is so very real! his anxiety seems to stem frequently from his own feeling of worth and care for others. is he doing enough? does he deserve their affection? does he deserve their praise? what happens if he can’t live up to it?
that’s what’s terrifying him in ep11 about victor. he knows victor loves him. what he sees is himself being unable to prove well enough how much he loves victor, being unable to prove that he can satisfy victor, that he’s holding victor back and that he’s entirely unfulfilling, that his own love is not enough for victor.
what does he usually say in “eros” that helps him nail it? “i’m the only one who knows victor’s love. i’m the only one who can satisfy victor.” this language is not revolving around victor, yuuri is the subject here, implying that the power over victor’s affection is entirely on him and him alone.
he has that quad flip firmly on his mind as the thing he believes that will prove how much he loves victor, and when he fails it, he’s just failed himself, he’s just failed victor, he’s not good enough. and then he starts seeing victor react to other people’s performances, because the seed is already in his mind. he knows victor loves him, he really does, but now the whisper is: he loves other people too, and i can’t satisfy him. other people can do it better.
he’s put all that pressure and anxiety on himself, it’s entirely dependent on his own success, and that’s what’s so sad. yuuri doesn’t even doubt that victor cares. what he doubts is that he’s doing enough in return.
I was feeling poetic about the b-team, and a side of Mikey not much of the fandom acknowledges.
Sometimes, Donnie watches his brother, and wonders why their
other siblings can’t see all the sides to him.
Mikey is smiles. All smiles all the time. Cheery grins,
cheeky grins, mischievous ones you need to watch out for. He’s fond smiles and
warm smiles, given when they’re safe at home and there’s no one to fight. He’s
small smiles and big smiles and lopsided ones that Donnie knows just as well as
Mikey is also smiles that aren’t like that.
Mikey is false smiles and masked smiles and carefully chosen
smiles that can hide just about any other emotion. He’s sharp smiles, knowing
smiles, terrifying ones that are all teeth and threat and terror that no one
sees till it’s too late.
Mikey smiles all the time, but not all those smiles are kind
Donnie sees it. He doesn’t think their brothers do, nor
their father or friends.
I’ve always believed that Itachi and Kisame were like strange best friends while partners.
That Kisame knew the real reason behind the massacre and understood what was going through Itachi’s head even when he was silent. When he finally found out about Itachi’s disease, he secretly mourned for him, but refused to show how upset he really was in front of him. He was always in awe of Itachi’s intelligence and followed his orders out of respect of their relationship.
That Itachi let Kisame know that his eyesight was failing him and that his Sharingan was the biggest burden he’d wished he’d never received. He understood Kisame’s love to fight and though he was a pacifist himself, he allowed his partner to engage in unnecessary battles to get his stress out while Itachi just waited.
That they discussed the possibility one night of disappearing and never returning to the shinobi world. They could live on the ocean - because Kisame loved the water and Itachi had never lived anywhere with open water - and enjoy a life of peace. But Itachi knew he had to protect his brother and Kisame knew Itachi would succumb to his disease in only a few years. And without certainty of their deaths, they would continue to be hunted.
And so, Kisame had kept Itachi’s disease a secret, helping him the best that he could to get through it until he could face Sasuke and the night that he died, Kisame seriously considered leaving Akatsuki, understanding that a large part of the reason he had stayed with the organization for so long was because he’d had Itachi as his partner. And before he allowed his own jutsu to take his life, he realized he was okay with it because he’d finally be able to see his best friend again in a place where there was an ocean and the world was at peace. - - - Art by Lily (no longer active within the Fandom)
“I had a sickening dream. A dream where you were dead. But you’re saying that that was real and this right here, where we’re fighting side by side, this is the dream, Sayaka?”
“This isn’t something quite as sad as just a dream. I thought I didn’t have any regrets when I died. But the reason I ended up taking this assignment and coming back was because I actually do have on regret. The fact that I left you behind.”
“You were never a stray.”: This was in the second freaking episode and I was a freaking goner for this relationship. This was before we got the full explanation of the the whole parabatai thing and you could literally feel the connection between these two guys jumping off the screen. In one sentence you could feel the love between these two guys and the feels were totally real.
“If your staying I’m staying. We fight together.” I adore this scene for so many reasons. First Jace does not want to leave Alec behind and considering all the heat Jace had been taking for not caring about Alec I think this is the perfect example of how much that is bs. Jace may be reckless and selfish at times but he loves Alec. Its obvious how uncomfortable he is leaving Alec behind but it the end he trusts his parabatai’s judgement.
“Don’t ever doubt me.” This is probably one of my favorite scenes. I loved the whole sequence of Alec being annoyed with Jace. Jace being uncomfortable with Alec leaving to sneak back into the institute alone but not saying anything. Alec walking off but realizing he doesn’t want to leave things between them so tense so he turns around to make things right. I love how the show demonstrates how off center these two feel when they are on the outs with each other. its pretty epic.
“I’m always going to be here for you.” So after a lot of tension and misunderstandings Jace and Alec finally talk and make up pretty quickly. Of course I don’t believe everything is resolved by a long shot but I loved them sitting down together and actually talking. I loved how supportive Jace was.
“Please Alec come with me.” So this scene SLAYS me every time I watch it. The emotion. The heartbreak. I just can’t. Jace pleading with Alec to come with him. Like Seriously this scene totally crushed my soul in the best way. Not only did it break Jace to have Alec turn him down but it also broke Alec to have to do so. I just can’t.
I’m sorry if I’m not dragging Taemin over his remark about Key’s hair, but my focus is on the blacks being killed in my country for no reason other than that they are black. I’m more concerned about the black men and women being killed in police custody by the very people who are sworn to protect them. I’m fighting to keep a /real/ racist from becoming the next president of the country I call my home. I’m too busy suffering from anxiety attacks whenever a cop pulls up behind my black ass just because he can and not because I did anything wrong.
Black people have more to worry about than some ignorant Korean kid’s comment about his hyung’s hair. One that he said to Key and not to us, probably not even realizing that others would hear.