the real reason behind the fight

Oh no :( There is a (probably very young) self-hating autistic trying to pick a fight in my ask box right now :( This is always so awkward and also sad and tiring :(

I know that there is a real person hurting behind a keyboard right now, and I’d love to address the internalized ableism, but trying to reason with this kind of anon is largely unproductive and I hate the idea of that kind of thing taking over my blog.

edit! I thought of something to say. Dear anon: It’s okay to be autistic. It’s okay to be disabled. You are okay. I am okay. We are all okay.

yuri on ice shows yuuri both realistically affected by his anxiety and also dealing with his anxiety as a known fact, knowing that he has irrational fears–that the feeling of fear is so real even if the reason behind them is not necessarily so. he’s not a fragile crystal glass about it. yuuri’s strength is so compelling because he consistently fights through these anxiety attacks that are causing very real, physical feelings of panic, and because sometimes he just isn’t in the right state to do it.

i really, really don’t think that yuuri actually questions at heart that people love and care for him. he’s so upset in episode 7 because he knows what victor says to him is bullshit, it’s just that victor voiced aloud what his anxiety was telling him. yuuri can both feel these things and know they’re wrong which is so very real! his anxiety seems to stem frequently from his own feeling of worth and care for others. is he doing enough? does he deserve their affection? does he deserve their praise? what happens if he can’t live up to it?

that’s what’s terrifying him in ep11 about victor. he knows victor loves him. what he sees is himself being unable to prove well enough how much he loves victor, being unable to prove that he can satisfy victor, that he’s holding victor back and that he’s entirely unfulfilling, that his own love is not enough for victor.

what does he usually say in “eros” that helps him nail it? “i’m the only one who knows victor’s love. i’m the only one who can satisfy victor.” this language is not revolving around victor, yuuri is the subject here, implying that the power over victor’s affection is entirely on him and him alone.

he has that quad flip firmly on his mind as the thing he believes that will prove how much he loves victor, and when he fails it, he’s just failed himself, he’s just failed victor, he’s not good enough. and then he starts seeing victor react to other people’s performances, because the seed is already in his mind. he knows victor loves him, he really does, but now the whisper is: he loves other people too, and i can’t satisfy him. other people can do it better.

he’s put all that pressure and anxiety on himself, it’s entirely dependent on his own success, and that’s what’s so sad. yuuri doesn’t even doubt that victor cares. what he doubts is that he’s doing enough in return.


I was feeling poetic about the b-team, and a side of Mikey not much of the fandom acknowledges.


Sometimes, Donnie watches his brother, and wonders why their other siblings can’t see all the sides to him.

Mikey is smiles. All smiles all the time. Cheery grins, cheeky grins, mischievous ones you need to watch out for. He’s fond smiles and warm smiles, given when they’re safe at home and there’s no one to fight. He’s small smiles and big smiles and lopsided ones that Donnie knows just as well as their brothers’.


Mikey is also smiles that aren’t like that.

Mikey is false smiles and masked smiles and carefully chosen smiles that can hide just about any other emotion. He’s sharp smiles, knowing smiles, terrifying ones that are all teeth and threat and terror that no one sees till it’s too late.

Mikey smiles all the time, but not all those smiles are kind ones.

Donnie sees it. He doesn’t think their brothers do, nor their father or friends.

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I’ve always believed that Itachi and Kisame were like strange best friends while partners.

That Kisame knew the real reason behind the massacre and understood what was going through Itachi’s head even when he was silent. When he finally found out about Itachi’s disease, he secretly mourned for him, but refused to show how upset he really was in front of him. He was always in awe of Itachi’s intelligence and followed his orders out of respect of their relationship.

That Itachi let Kisame know that his eyesight was failing him and that his Sharingan was the biggest burden he’d wished he’d never received. He understood Kisame’s love to fight and though he was a pacifist himself, he allowed his partner to engage in unnecessary battles to get his stress out while Itachi just waited.

That they discussed the possibility one night of disappearing and never returning to the shinobi world. They could live on the ocean - because Kisame loved the water and Itachi had never lived anywhere with open water - and enjoy a life of peace. But Itachi knew he had to protect his brother and Kisame knew Itachi would succumb to his disease in only a few years. And without certainty of their deaths, they would continue to be hunted.

And so, Kisame had kept Itachi’s disease a secret, helping him the best that he could to get through it until he could face Sasuke and the night that he died, Kisame seriously considered leaving Akatsuki, understanding that a large part of the reason he had stayed with the organization for so long was because he’d had Itachi as his partner. And before he allowed his own jutsu to take his life, he realized he was okay with it because he’d finally be able to see his best friend again in a place where there was an ocean and the world was at peace.
- - -
Art by Lily (no longer active within the Fandom)


“I had a sickening dream. A dream where you were dead. But you’re saying that that was real and this right here, where we’re fighting side by side, this is the dream, Sayaka?” 

“This isn’t something quite as sad as just a dream. I thought I didn’t have any regrets when I died. But the reason I ended up taking this assignment and coming back was because I actually do have on regret. The fact that I left you behind.”

My Little Baby Llama - Part 6

N/A: I won’t even try to apologize. I’ll just let you guys read. 

Shout out to all my dandelions out there!!! 

For those of you that might be a bit confused, this fic is happening around the end of January/2016. Before the tour dates release.
Have fun!

Words: 3400+

Disclaimer: Nor Dan or Phil belongs to me, and while I wish I had a Lizzie in real life, I do not have one either.


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Beating Heart (Part 2)

Prompt can be found here

(Part 1)


Liam lay in bed with his arms folded behind his head as his eyes fixate on the ceiling. He was in another world just gazing upwards, pretending as if he was under the stars, with you by his side. The young werewolf had no idea about what happened after you ran off, after you got in your car and left or after you ran through the red light. Liam didn’t want to think of the fight you and Hayden had had earlier on in the day. And he certainly didn’t want anybody to know that the real reason he didn’t defend you was because if he did he might’ve accidently let it slip. Those three words, three syllables and only eight letters.

I love you


You slowly lifted your eyelids, they were heavy and with each millimetre that you opened them it only hurt more. Light flooded your eyes as it seemed to be coming from everywhere, it only forced you to shut them again. Your mouth was dry and every time you swallowed it was scratchy and uncomfortable. The smell of stale disinfectant clung in the air as you began to realise where you were. You forced your eyes back open and familiarised with the brightness of the room. You tried to sit up but when doing so you let out a small whimper as a searing pain electrified throughout your whole body. Where were you? Why were you here? What had happened to you?

You heard a familiar voice coming from the corner of the room. “Hang on sweetie don’t try to get up just yet.” It was Melissa McCall, you gathered you were in the hospital but with no clue why, but you followed her instructions and lay back down. “W-what happened?” You asked Melissa, your voice barely above a whisper. “It’s completely normal for you not to remember, you hit your head pretty hard,” she lays her clipboard down and walks over to you, “(Y/N) honey, you were in a car accident, a bad one.” Accident? Little pieces of your memory began to form together as you remember the tears and then the horn honking. And suddenly it’s all there, you remember the fight with Hayden and Liam and you remember running off. You were stupid to get behind the wheel in such an unstable state and you hate yourself for doing it. “You’ve broken three ribs, your wrist and you have severe bruising to your back, chest and face.” Melissa explains to you the damage that you caused to yourself, and although you are still upset, you want nothing more than to see Liam. It’s like Melissa read your mind because she informs you that before you woke she just got off the phone with him, of course she’s oblivious to the fact that you had been fighting, but you are thankful that she did.


Liam’s heart is racing he jerks up from his bed and rushes out the door without even bothering to lock it behind him. A million thoughts are running through his head right now. “What does she mean accident? What kind of accident? Is she okay? What happened to her? Is it my fault? When will she wake up? Is she going to die?” In no time Liam reaches Beacon Hills Memorial Hospital and lunges towards the doors at the front entrance as he slams them into the walls almost knocking them of their hinges. He races up to your room and slows down as he reaches the doorway. He sees you lying there with multiple bruises on your face and a cast around your wrist. The sight of you so beaten up causes Liam to lean his arm against the wall with his head resting on it. Once the first tear broke free the rest followed shortly after, but he didn’t have enough courage to turn and look at you until he heard the beeping sounds coming from the heart monitor. It was steady and the sound of your beating heart was enough to bring Liam by your side.


You were only resting when you heard someone come in, your eyes fluttered open, not to mention it was getting easier to do so. You see Liam leaning against the wall, small sniffles escape from his direction. “Is he crying?” You thought yourself, but you decided to close your eyes again. You could hear Liam approaching so you allowed your eyes to open once again, you stare at Liam’s face, even under the disturbing light of the hospital room he still looked beautiful. “(Y/N)? oh my God.” You try your hardest to give him a small smile, only to show that you are happy to see him. “L-Liam, hey.” Your voice is weak and cracks slightly but it soon becomes easier for you to talk again. “Shhh don’t say anything, I don’t want you to be in pain.” Liam drags the plastic chair from the side of the room to your side and places himself next to you grasping your left hand with both of his. “It’s a little too late for that.” You let out a slight laugh and you can see that Liam tries to do the same but fails, it’s too much for him. You stare at each other for a while until Liam breaks the silence. “Look (Y/N) I need to tell you something, and I know it can’t fix how I’ve treated you lately but I swear I’m not using it as an excuse.” You let your tongue run over your lips to give them moisture and nod to Liam ready to listen to what he has to say. He pushes away a few strands of your hair from your face and tucks them behind your ear then gently kisses your forehead before he begins.


Liam had no idea how he was going to do it. Nothing he could say now could fix what he had done. All of this was his fault and he knew it, but he had to tell you. He didn’t want anything like this to happen again. “(Y/N),” your eyes are fixated on Liam and nothing else, ready to hear what he has to say “, I lov…” But he was cut short as the beeping of your heart rate monitor increased, and with each second it got faster and faster. It seemed as if it was planned because Liam’s breathing started to rapidly increase almost in time with the beeping. Nurses and doctors rushed into your room while Liam stood wide-eyed staring straight at you as he backed up against the wall. “What’s happening?” One of the nurses asks. “She’s got internal bleeding to the lungs.” Liam gulps and as they rush you out of the room he follows closely behind. Liam manages to keep up with the rush of doctors tending to you. “Is she going to be okay?” He frantically searches for an answer but everyone seems so overwhelmed and rushed with you they take no notice of him. As Liam hurriedly walks beside you he tries to finish what he was saying “I love…,” but once more he is interrupted as the doctors wheel you into the operating room. His fists pound on the door “I WASN’T FINISHED,” Liam bangs harder and watches how the doctors cut you open right in front of him, “(Y/N) NO.” People begin to stare at Liam but he doesn’t care, he can’t lose you, not again. Fists pounding against the door, Liam chokes back tears and screams your name which seems to echo throughout the dreaded hallways of the hospital.

The walls in here aren’t thick so Liam is able to hear it. The sound of your heart rate monitor going so fast there’s no moment of silence between each beep. Liam stops his banging as the blood drains from his face and he is left to stare through the tiny window on the door. He sees the flatline on the monitor. He turns around and slides down the door until he meets the floor, staring blankly ahead of him.

He lets the tiniest of whispers escape his lips as he sits, still staring at the wall.

“I love you.”

Five scenes that made me fall in love with Jalec!

In honor of my new jalec sideblog

  • “You were never a stray.”: This was in the second freaking episode and I was a freaking goner for this relationship. This was before we got the full explanation of the the whole parabatai thing and you could literally feel the connection between these two guys jumping off the screen. In one sentence you could feel the love between these two guys and the feels were totally real.
  • “If your staying I’m staying. We fight together.” I adore this scene for so many reasons. First Jace does not want to leave Alec behind and considering all the heat Jace had been taking for not caring about Alec I think this is the perfect example of how much that is bs. Jace may be reckless and selfish at times but he loves Alec. Its obvious how uncomfortable he is leaving Alec behind but it the end he trusts his parabatai’s judgement. 
  • “Don’t ever doubt me.” This is probably one of my favorite scenes. I loved the whole sequence of Alec being annoyed with Jace. Jace being uncomfortable with Alec leaving to sneak back into the institute alone but not saying anything. Alec walking off but realizing he doesn’t want to leave things between them so tense so he turns around to make things right. I love how the show demonstrates how off center these two feel when they are on the outs with each other. its pretty epic.
  • “I’m always going to be here for you.” So after a lot of tension and misunderstandings Jace and Alec finally talk and make up pretty quickly. Of course I don’t believe everything is resolved by a long shot but I loved them sitting down together and actually talking. I loved how supportive Jace was.
  • “Please Alec come with me.” So this scene SLAYS me every time I watch it. The emotion. The heartbreak. I just can’t. Jace pleading with Alec to come with him. Like Seriously this scene totally crushed my soul in the best way. Not only did it break Jace to have Alec turn him down but it also broke Alec to have to do so. I just can’t.

WHAT AM I TO YOU | PT.5 OF “COFFEE” {You confess to Hoseok and get rejected as you thought you would. He and Yoongi end up fighting and Hoseok is forced to admit the real reason behind his actions. HOSEOK feat. Yoongi (and the guys)  / ANGST

** not proof read, probably full of mistakes, I’m so sorry I have no strenght left to re-read this LOL

“JUNG HOSEOK!”, he closed his eyes, sighing heavily already knowing where this was going. He wasn’t trying to escape from this, he deserved it after all and he was ready to face the aftermath of his mess. 
 Yoongi’s voice roared through the hotel hallway again before the door to his room was banged open and a furious Min Yoongi appeared in front of him. He had been waiting for this since he had turned down Y/N. 
He knew this was going to happen and he had patiently waited for his punishment to arrive. He had locked himself in his room, crying bitter tears for the last thirty minutes or something. 
Yoongi’s gaze landed on him and he stepped back a little, taken aback by Hoseok’s appearance. 
Yoongi was beyond mad, his face probably red already and he was ready to punch the living shit out of one of his best friends. But when he saw his face he hesitated. He had been crying. A lot. Hoseok’s face was red and tears were still streaming down his face, leaving white traces on his cheeks. And his eyes were so sad and puffy and red. He looked like a lost puppy and that made Yoongi’s heart clench. 
“What the hell is wrong with you?” His tone harsh, but nothing compared to the yelling he had in mind before. 
“Everything.” His broken whisper made a shiver run up his spine. Where was this coming from? Where was the bubbly Hoseok he was so used to? Where was all of this pain coming from? 
“She’s crying because of you.” 
 Hoseok flinched and his gaze fell to the ground, sniffling, sobs escaping from his mouth. 
“I know…I’m so sorry…” 
“Why? Just tell me why because I’m trying to understand you but I just can’t.”
Hoseok shook his head and lifted his eyes again, his expression even more broken than before.
“Just hit me… I deserve it…” 
Yoongi let out a bitter laugh and grabbed his hair in frustration. 
“You’re actually telling me to fight you…” 
“I broke her heart…” 
“Don’t provoke me Hoseok. The only reason I haven’t already is because I care about you, okay?”
It was nothing but a whisper but he heard it quite fine. This was unbelievable. 
Before he could stop himself he grabbed Hoseok shirt and lifted him up like he weighed nothing. 
“What do you mean ‘why’, you idiot?!” 
Hoseok gaze was still on the ground, tears silently streaming down his face.
“Don’t you know you’re like a brother to me? After all this years, do you still doubt I don’t consider you like family?!” 
He was starting to lose his temper. This was so out of the blue, so out of character for Hoseok to dwell that much into negative thoughts. This was just not like him and Yoongi was trying hard to understand him but he was missing the main reason behind this. And something told him this wasn’t just about Y/N. In fact, this was probably just the tip of the iceberg.
Hoseok shook his head again, words caught in his throat as the emotions he had been bottling up for days now were all trying to escape at the same moment.
“I’m not even mad anymore…  I just want to understand what’s going on with you…” Yoongi’s voice got softer, his eyes searching for Hoseok’s, his hands releasing his shirt.
“I realized some things…” he finally admitted, lifting his gaze to meet Yoongi’s.
He tried to fight those emotions, those thoughts, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t stop thinking that it was the truth, all of the ugly things. They were true.
“What did you realize?” Yoongi quirked an eyebrow at him, still pretty much confused about the whole situation but now certain that there was so much behind all of this that he just didn’t know yet.
“I’m just not good enough” he finally admitted it out loud. Now the truth was out in the open for everyone to see.
“What are you talking about? You’re not good enough for her?! Why would you think that? Plus, I’m pretty sure Y/N can decide for herself what’s best for her…”
Yoongi was lost in disbelief. Where was this self-hate coming from?! Of course, Hoseok had never been one full of confidence and he always worked hard to be a better version of himself, but he’d never said something like this before.
“… for anyone…”
Yoongi’s expression turned into a very confused one. This was deeper than he thought and he just didn’t know how to deal with all of this by himself. It was so out of the blue it left him speechless.
“I want to leave BTS”, Hoseok’s voice was small, ashamed probably, but still loud enough for Yoongi to hear it.
And that’s where he lost it.
“YOU WHAT?!” he grabbed his collar again and dragged him to the other side of the room and pushed him against the wall.
Hoseok sobbed, his gaze fixed to the ground, unable to watch his friend in the eyes. They were on tour, they were at the pick of their career… and he wanted to leave.
“Please… Hyung… I’m doing this for you”, his voice was so hoarse from all the crying he had been doing.
“STOP SAYING BULLSHIT! JUST STOP!” before he could stop himself Yoongi punched him, right on the side of his face, making Hoseok’s head turn the other way. The boy didn’t even try to defend himself, he took the punch, without even protesting.
He would have punched him again if Seokjin hadn’t entered the room, yelling at him to stop, dragging him away from Hoseok.
“Yoongi-yah what the hell are you doing?!”
Soon all the other guys were in the room: Jimin and Taehyung rushed to Hoseok to check on him while Seokjin and Namjoon tried to calm Yoongi down, dragging him to the other side of the room. Jungkook was standing in the middle of the room, lost and confused, ready to be a wall between the two members.
“He wants to quit on us FOR NO FUCKING REASON!”
All eyes were suddenly on Hoseok and he just dropped his gaze again, shoulder sinking down. He was a coward, he couldn’t even look them in the eyes and admit the truth.
“Hyung?” Jimin’s soft voice cut the silence “What is Yoongi-hyung talking about?”
Yoongi’s voice was not only hoarse, he wasn’t just mad: he was hurt. Hoseok lifted his gaze and saw the tears streaming down Yoongi’s face. Seokjin and Namjoon weren’t even holding him anymore. The anger was gone, there was just the hurt left.
Jungkook was looking at him with that lost puppy face, his eyes full of tears already, the disbelief visible in his features.
“I don’t want to drag you down” he whispered, meeting Yoongi’s gaze again.
“Who said you are, Hyung?! We would’ve never been this successful without you… we’re achieving all of our dreams…” Jungkook said, taking a step forward to put a hand on his shoulder.
That’s when Hoseok completely broke down in front of the members. He cried and cried and cried, letting all of it out: the sadness, the despair, the hurt, the bad thoughts. The truth.
It didn’t bother him at first,  some comments here and there about him being a burden to the group. Then there was all that thing about “kicking him out” started from some ARMYs. There were ‘fans’ telling him to leave on fan signs as well. And all the joking comments about him being the least popular in the group. And then he had met Y/N’s ex-boyfriend.
He wasn’t sure why what he said cut through him more than anything else before but it did. He had tried to ignore it, to leave it all behind him like he did before. But he just couldn’t.
“Why would you suddenly believe what a dickhead said?” he lifted his gaze and looked into Yoongi’s eyes not knowing what to tell him. He had no idea.
“What he said was bullshit. Can’t you see why he’d do that to you? He has motives!”
“I don’t know…”
“Don’t we make you feel loved and appreciated, Hyung?”
Hoseok turned his head to look into Jimin’s sad eyes and suddenly it dawned to him, what he had been doing to the members, to Y/N and to himself. He had betrayed himself and let someone else put thoughts inside his head.
“Is this the reason why you refused Y/N as well? ” Yoongi asked.
He gave a slight nod, missing the confused looks on the other members faces.
“Then make it right, before you actually lose her.”
Yoongi got up and walked to the other side of the room, the other guys ready to stop him again if necessary. But they didn’t have to. He stood there, waiting for Hoseok to look right into his eyes, and when he did he engulfed him in a tight embrace.
“Next time you think about bailing on us, I will punch the living shit out of you.”
His words were strong, but they were just perfect to show Hoseok how important he was for all of them. It was what he had been needing this whole time.

Originally posted by ohparkjimin


Sooo, I wanted to release two parts today but I worked the whole day and now I’m dead tired so I’m just going to sleep and update again as soon as I can. This week has been so rough, aaaah >o<

Never quite understood the real reason behind that war as an outsider, it was so unjustified but people still saw it as a “fight for freedom”. What freedom?


I’m sorry if I’m not dragging Taemin over his remark about Key’s hair, but my focus is on the blacks being killed in my country for no reason other than that they are black. I’m more concerned about the black men and women being killed in police custody by the very people who are sworn to protect them. I’m fighting to keep a /real/ racist from becoming the next president of the country I call my home. I’m too busy suffering from anxiety attacks whenever a cop pulls up behind my black ass just because he can and not because I did anything wrong.

Black people have more to worry about than some ignorant Korean kid’s comment about his hyung’s hair. One that he said to Key and not to us, probably not even realizing that others would hear.

A little fucking perspective, please.