the quotes made sense in my head

Taking the Horse to Water

Claire lets slip the fact that Cas can sense a person’s longing, which shocks and horrifies Dean.


“Better directions would have been beneficial,” Cas drawled as he bowed out of the passenger side of the Impala. Dean rose from the other side, Claire standing at the head of the hood in her typical mood of haughty petulance.

“I knew you’d find me,” she smiled. “I was thinking about you, so I figured it wouldn’t be too difficult.”

Dean furrowed his eyebrows.

“That’s no excuse,” Cas scolded.

“You said it yourself you could sense my ‘longing.’” She made air quotes with her fingers. “Why does it matter?”

“Wait, what?” Dean was confused.

“Because it’s one thing to know in what direction to head and quite another to navigate the streets that go there.” Cas didn’t look at Dean as he questioned, instead making a desperate attempt to breeze on past the subject. Unfortunately, governing conversation wasn’t one of his greatest strengths.

“Can’t you just fly around or something?”

“My wings are no longer functional, as you very well know.”

“Hold on, what’s this about 'longing?’”

“It’s nothing,” Cas finally looked to Dean. Because people who are lying don’t look others in the eyes, right? So he should make a blatant effort to stare at Dean.

“It’s something that Angel-Dad here uses to stalk me,” Claire rolled her eyes, completely oblivious to the tense expression Cas then threw her way. “I guess I don’t have to actually pray to get him to know where I am. If I’m even thinking about him or wanting to see him a little bit, he can find me.”

“You can?” Dean looked quickly to Cas, unsure what to make of this news. “Can you do that with everyone?”

“W-well…” Cas’s eye darted back and forth nervously. “Generally speaking, yes. If-if someone is thinking about me, or wants me around, it acts as a kind of indirect prayer.”

Dean’s lips tightened for a moment, as if he was processing this information, and Claire glanced between them curiously.

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3

Just few minutes before the LANVIN Show Spring Summer 2016 in Paris , I captured a very rear moment when you could see Anna Wintour editor-in-chief of American Vogue without her Chanel sunglasses. She was still on her phone, probably posting on Instagram or sending What’s up massages to the army of her assistants. Apparently the most famous fashion cult film: “The Devil Wears Prada” (starring Meryl Streep as Miranda Priestly a fashion editor), is believed to be based on Wintour’s career. In 2006. she made a head lines when she arrived at the film’s premiere dressed up in Prada. Probably it was her sense of humour to acknowledge the truthfulness of the movie. Mrs. Wintour was named by Forbes in 2011, 69th world’s most powerful women and she is definitely one of the most powerful lady of the fashion industry.

When asked why she is always wearing sunglasses on the fashion shows her most famous quote is: “I can sit in a show and if I am bored out of my mind, nobody will notice … At this point, my sunglasses become, really, armour.”

Photo above right; Anna Wintour ; portrait i took last year at the Givenchy show.

A friend is making a quilt for me (!) and as a last-minute addition asked for some favorite quotes and books and TV shows to add some details. You’d think that’d be a simple request, but it sent me into a tailspin of self doubt and embarrassment (do I want fandom all over a quilt?) and a whopping dollop of ohmygodiloveeverythingtoomuchwhydidileave. Anyway. She’s been sending me machine embroidery patterns for stuff like SPN and Merlin to make sure the images match the shows and my sense of the aesthetic and that + having now been away from fannish worlds (i.e., canon, tumblr, writing and reading fic) made me realize just how many of my ideas and memories of these things I love passionately and relied on for solace and happiness and friendship and beauty exist ONLY IN MY HEAD. Like, fandom participation basically overwrote canon in my memory. It’s not just that the shippiest bits stick our more than they actually exist, although they do. I was also confusing quotes from the show with titles from awesome fanfics. And there’s a buttload of stuff from SPN, for example, that just doesn’t resonate with me (an apocalypse mytharc fan and deancas shipper) the way the it would for an early-seasons or Wincest fan. Like, even though hunting is obviously badass and totally integral to the show, I had to stop and think about it (”Hunting people, saving things. The family business.”) as what represents the show, because my first thought was, like, idk, this: 

And, god, I had to pretty much stay away from Trek and X-Men entirely because I can hardly see canon through the forest of on-screen eyefucking. Like, do I really even love X-Men or just Erik/Charles? I mean, sure I love it. Grew up with the cartoon. Think it’s an important exploration of the value of people and how to practice tolerance, embrace difference, and move forward despite cultural and personal challenges. But I mean. 

There’s also this:

And this:

And this:

So. You see the problem. 

Oh wait, more problematic? This is Star Trek to me: 

Emphasis on CPine’s crotch. 

(Side note: What the hell happened to the 900,000 gifs that used to exist of Jim plastered against a broken console, heaving breath back into his lungs post-emotionally compromised Spock? And why did I never save one? Huge oversight, fandom. NEVER FORGET.)

What was I saying?

Right. So, mega universes that mean a lot of things to a lot people, and I am not AT ALL intending to trivialize or overlook their multiple layers of importance to anyone or even myself. I’m just saying that images (and quotes) that make me ~feel~ things about these stories are not easily captured or particularly shareable ones. 

Point is, that’s what got me thinking more seriously about reconnecting with fandom recently. I don’t like that it’s not part of my life right now, but somehow I haven’t found a way to fit it in between or with the new community and new people and new jobs and new house. (Never thought I’d miss being a gov’t desk jockey … ) And it feels particularly hard to come back to these universes when what I love about them seems so distant now, so very and overly specific to me and the ways in which I learned to love them. I feel like there’s an overwhelming amount of catching up and bias-shedding to do. What are the new interpretations to love? Where are the other people who love them? Not to mention I’m empty-handed.

(Is it weird to have anxiety about the thing where lots of people go to escape anxiety? Well, here we are.)

Anyway. There’s a smart meditation on trappings of fandom memory and actual canon and broader fandom content that could/should be done, but my brain’s not there yet. 

Mostly I’m just saying, hey fandom, ’sup?


She had spent the night with open eyes, trying to will her mind to be just as open. There had to be something she has missed, some connection to be made in the events and individuals moving about in the memory of her day. But if there was, she couldn’t see it. Maybe she wasn’t smart enough. Or maybe the world wasn’t. Maybe the world wasn’t smart enough to put together a story that made sense. Maybe it could only stick together random elements randomly, forming, as Shakespeare had famously written, “a show of senseless movement and circumstance that ultimately doesn’t amount to much at all.”
—  Welcome to Night Vale: A Novel by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor
And from then on it made sense. The way my heart raced when I seen you. The feeling of warmth flowing throughout my body when you spoke. The jumbled thoughts in my head when you touched me, all lead to one conclusion. I was madly in love with you.
—  Raenuet - Pages from my journal.
6

natalie dormer appreciation week:
ii. natalie dormer + quotes

[On shaving her hair] Perhaps it will also challenge my own perceptions of myself. But it also made me realize just how much of a woman’s identity—her sense of attractiveness—is wrapped up in her hair. I don’t know what men think of when they look at a woman’s hair. Do they see the hair before the face? It was definitely an edgy moment when I first saw my head naked. It got very cold. I had to wear hats.

3

February 2nd 2013 vs January 29th 2014 vs January 28th 2016


It’s been a long road, and even in the first picture I had already lost a lot of weight (it was my best friends wedding, I was best man/emcee and I wanted to fit into a normal rented waistcoat). 

Yeah, back when getting down to a 55inch chest was my goal. 

I never thought I’d be where I am today. I’m not perfect (far from it), and my journey has had it’s share of up’s and downs with my mental health tripping me up on occasion and having to start again from the ground up.

I had no idea starting out that I’d become a runner, and running in races did not even enter my head until this last year - I was never into sports, in fact I’d do just about anything to get out of them at school.

So let me share a quote that I read in my speech (it made sense in the context of the couples journey, honest! There were tears!) that I have increasingly found applies to my own journey:



“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” - Douglas Adams
I never really understood why my existence mattered, but when you laughed…when your head tilted back and your crooked left tooth showed proudly through your smile, it all made sense.
—  I think I was created to fall in love with you. (February 8th)