1. You and your love are both soft and haunted and some people will come into your life and take that softness for granted. This is just how the world is, my darling, diamonds exist but so do wolves and sometimes it is the diamonds that we need to watch out for because they are made of cold and wolves still have heartbeats and are just misunderstood. Navigating the world is a hard thing, especially for girls who are made of story flavoured madness and seeking happy endings here that are harder than finding a pearl in the deepest part of ocean.
2. I have known of too many girls who have both become and died in the embrace of men that should have loved them better but chose to let them go. Both Gods and men tend to treat dreamers and romantics with an equal part of disdain and neglect. I have ached for them, but watching sadness does things to a persons mind and heart.
3. My cousin was a small girl with dreams the size of a country and determination made of a bullet that penetrated every job she ever did. I never once saw her fail and then she fell in love. Even bullets can dissolve when put in enough heat. Watching her melt from a gun to a wound was enough to teach me that alone had a lovely sound to it.
4. Alone and lonely are two different things. Alone means nights with my books. Alone means quiet star gazing and drinking tea drinking on my roof. Alone means hours of self aware retrospection in a coffee shop whilst scribbling poetry. But most importantly alone means not wilting into the arms of a man who may not appreciate the stars and poetry. Lonely is carnal. Lonely is craven. Lonely is sad.
5. I thought I was safe in my alone. But love is a wicked predator, it found my hiding place even in a forest. To do so, it set my beautiful forest of alone on fire.
6. For a while, we were happy. For a while, love almost had me believe that I was wrong. Until the day you left, like a hurricane leaves the ocean. For good.
7. I crumbled. Picked myself up. And crumbled again. Eventually I lost track of how many times I had to get up. Eventually you began to fade into the graveyard of the still living people that have abandoned me in my head.
8. I am better now. The forest of my alone finally has grown back from the ashes. Bigger and better than before, my alone is beautiful. It is slowly filling the graves you left inside me with self love and healing. My alone is softer with my heart than your love has ever left it feeling.
I get that familiar, yet painful nostalgia
I’ll walk down the old streets we used to roam
Through the places we made our stands against authority
Old shops we filled with laughter throughout the night
Even restaurants we curled up in after a long day
But I don’t tour this hall of memories for you
Or some desire for a second round of “us”
I don’t miss you
I don’t want you back
I know what you really are
I have seen behind your mask what your true intentions always were
And I’ve come to realize I’m not that stupid
I want better
I have learned
But on days when the leaves and wind call to me from those autumn days
I know I am just missing the happy memories
Missing the moments we shared and how they made me feel then
But as we all know
A relit cigarette never taste the same
The second dose never feels as good as the first
Every single story has an ending
You told me nothing happened
Between the two of you
But if nothing happened
Why does it feel like
You’re getting further away
And why does my heartache
Every time I see your face
You may not be able to see it
But I can feel my world crumbling around me
And I’d be surprised if you noticed
Sometimes I dream of hugging strangers and it doesn’t scare me, I am not scared in my dreams, even if I am I don’t really remember it and the feeling of not being anxious of hugging someone is rare for me so I try to dream more of it, I try to hug stray animals and at times they follow me back to my place, I don’t call it home, because I never felt that way, they don’t mind me, they don’t mind that I am fat or ugly or fucked up or angry or broken or anxious, they just need some warmth and they take it from me.
It’s funny because I have been a science student and it always taught me that energy can neither be created nor be destroyed but can only be transferred from one form into another but why do I feel the heat in my cold cold heart when I am playing with a stray? They aren’t warm to begin with so where does this heart energy come from?
If I told you that you ruined us, I’d be lying. If I told you that I ruined us, I’d be lying, but I’d probably find some way to convince myself of that. The mind is amazing in that way. There’s so much power in a thought, so much power in words. I can’t speak mine out loud, so I’ll write them for you. I’ll spill this ink for you. Please forgive me if I don’t make sense. It’s hard to make sense when you don’t have the proper materials. You’re missing and there’s no replacement for such a gem. Please forgive me, I’m sadder than usual. Please forgive me, these tears, I can’t seem to stop them. Please forgive my heart, it doesn’t seem to know how to beat normally these days. In reality? We’ve been torn apart. In my head? In my heart? You’re still here. You’re still with me. There’s probably a part of you that blames yourself. Like many times before, this time isn’t your fault either. You’re far too bright to cause the darkness you think you have. You've called yourself the sun. Tonight, you’re my only star. We don’t see those in the sky above us, but that’s okay, your light is more than enough for me. I haven’t forgotten the laughter, I haven’t forgotten the smiles. I haven’t forgotten your heart. I wish I knew whether or not the future holds us. I wish I knew what happens next. I don’t have the answers, but one thing I know for sure is that you’ll always have me.