the pm

I’m currently in that “period can start any minute” limbo and it’s come with a (sarcasm) absolutely delightful helping of brain fog (/sarcasm).

I could start it in ten minutes or in ten more days.

My emotions are starting to get wilder and my sensory issues are through the roof. I’m jumping at innocuous sounds like hearing my parents cough or Monroe (cat) scrambling by in a full on poofy-tail hyper kitty run. 

A little bit ago, I had an explosive meltdown because a tag in a pair of slippers made me feel like I had a splinter in my heel. My body decided pulling that slipper off and hurling it at the wall solved the problem. I used my ‘meltdown recovery’ energy up explaining the bang to my dad because, typical dad, he wouldn’t believe my truthful explanation with what language I could pull together at the time. Instead of calming down, I started building up into a slow burn meltdown. This is why I need time to recover after explosive meltdowns. 

Dad said I need to stop being so pathetic and handle my problems like a “normal person” instead of a baby. I told him I wasn’t a ‘normal person’ and he’s had 36 years to figure that out. He said I was sassing him and a smartass. I spat back that my ass is Einstein and it would’ve been funny if I wasn’t using whatever words I could get my mouth to say when I was losing speech. I was actually trying to say ‘my ass went to school’ and the Einstein thing came out instead. (I think it was the association my brain made with smart = Albert Einstein.)

Dad yelled at me and tipped me into another meltdown. I started crying– more like loudly bawling– and mom screamed at dad to leave me alone. He did, but not before giving me the disapproving look he always gives me when I’m not living up to his constantly changing and esoteric expectations of “normal”.

I cried for 45 minutes after he left my room. -_-; That was meltdown number 2.

I *just* now calmed down enough to finally cut the tag out of the slipper. All that bullshit for something that took 5 seconds to accomplish.

Being autistic isn’t all glittery sunshine and rainbow unicorn farts…sometimes it’s rage and tears. Key word: sometimes. Sometimes is not all the time.

I’m okay, just tired. I recognized dad’s behavior for what it is and I know the way he treated me wasn’t my fault. I’ve stopped shrinking when he tries to cross boundaries I set up– I’ve gotten brave enough to jump up like the lion my zodiac says I am (Leo) and defend them. I hope other people dealing with emotional abuse find that strength, too.


Btw, it’s totally okay to think “My ass is Einstein!” is funny and it’s okay to laugh. I’m starting to giggle about it a little bit as I type this because in writing it’s so much more ridiculous than hearing myself screech it.

Starter call

(( So to break up some of the asks, I’m going to start up some RPs! Heads up: I will be a bit selective, and I will only pick a handful of people to RP with, its nothing personal, I just don’t want to bite off more than I can chew! ;w; Like for a starter! (Please read the rules first though!) (warning they will be updated soonish) ))

I would like people to just stop. 

Like, stop telling me I should be happy because I have only a few months of this left to go through. 

It is getting harder and harder the closer it gets, part because of the work, but mostly because me and Benj just can’t stand it to be separated anymore. It’s hard. It’s getting harder and harder and we are both slowly going crazy over this. 

Probably because we know it’s so close yet so, so far, and because we’re both going through shit and it piles up slowly on our head, because we’re both anxious needy people who make each other freak out when they’re not well (BTW, he answered, I can go to sleep now). 

Seeing each other only once every two weeks is becoming harder and harder. 

Also because on both our sides we are seeing other couples disintegrate over stupid acts, little things, and even if we do trust each other (no matter the jokes…….), we are even more anxious of pulling through, and that in the end we will not be able to live together again? 

And most of all people ask me (but I’m sure they ask him too), what I’m going to do after the PhD. And they are never happy with my answer. 

I’ll go home. 

I just want to go home. 

Fuck the job, fuck my so called “potential”, fuck your stupid false/twisted feminist arguments, I just. Want. To. Go. Home. 

  • Me: sees queen Elizabeth is trending
  • Me: hasn't had an emergency news alert from the BBC
  • Me: is confused
3

hello yes have a modern AU that no one asked for

I see Rey being an art school student making sculptures and things, making her cousin (aka a very angry Ren) lug her heavy stuff around to her shows. mostly this was inspired by a picture of Rey in sweatpants

Hux is a writer and he goes out with Phasma to get coffee and talk shit

also bonus: