the party of dumb

you received an invitation to a dinner party hosted by one of your more popular mutuals. you want to get to know them better, so you go.

sandwiched between 2 of your mutuals-in-law, you pick off the pineapple from your pizza. you start to think that coming to this party was a bad idea. that fact solidifies itself when your eyes meet with someone across the table: its an ex mutual. you softblocked them a week ago because they were talking shit about your top comfort character. you hope that they still havent noticed that you softblocked them, but their eyes are drilling holes in you. a cold sweat drips down your neck.

one of the mutuals-in-law tries to start a conversation: “so i started watching that new anime… i think im kin with the blue haired one,” they say. the other mutual-in-law turns to look at you. “me too,” they say. the mutual you softblocked says from across the table, “me too”. you stare down at the pile of pineapple on your plate. “m-me too,” you choke out.

coming to this party was a terrible idea

Church Boys Moan Louder

THIS WAS A PROMPT BUT I FUCKED UP AND ACCIDENTALLY POSTED IT EARLY SO NOW ITS GONE FOREVER IM SORRY ANON BUT I STILL WANTED TO FINISH IT SO YE the prompt was basically innocent religious dan and phil like pines after him ; ending in sex in church bathroom and yes, you are going to hell

it’s also really long oops

~

Phil was fucking screwed. Never had he wanted someone so bad as he wanted Dan Howell. That boy fucked with his head and his body and his life. And he wasn’t even TRYING.

If he was trying, he was doing a damn good job at hiding it. Dan seemed completely oblivious to Phil’s attempts to win him over. The light blush on his cheeks said otherwise, but Dan ignored it completely. Dan was the goddamn priests son, but Phil liked a challenge. And this definitely was one.

Phil took another sip of the dumb nonalcoholic punch they were serving, scowling at the plastic cup. He shouldn’t be here, at this dumb church party, he didn’t have to be. It was optional, unlike the weekly services he was required to attend due to his parents getting pissed that he had defiled the school with graffiti yet again. It wasn’t that bad, he got to see Dan at least. But the only reason he was here was for him.

“Hey,” a girl spoke, interrupting Phil’s thoughts. He turned to look at her, scanning her blonde hair and plaid school uniform. Who wears a uniform to a party? Church kids, Phil figured.

“Uh, hey,” Phil responded, sounding completely uninterested, but she didn’t take a hint.

“Fun party, huh?”

Phil raised his eyebrows at her, chuckling, pulling a flask out of his leather jacket pocket and tipping the clear liquid into the cup.

“No, not particularly.”

She seemed a bit put off by that, but bounced back quickly.

“So, do you know anyone here?” She asked, her voice light and Phil swore he heard a hint of flirtiness in her tone

Phil chuckled, his eyes glinting.

“Look, sorry honey, but if you’re trying to get in my pants you might as well give up now. I like cock, dunno if your tiny brain can wrap itself around that, but the only reason I’m here is that I want to fuck Dan Howell.” He casually picked at a black nail, flashing her a tight lipped smile. “So, if you still want to bother me after that, feel free. But I’m gay as hell. Just saying.”

The girl stared at him, her eyes wide and her jaw practically hitting the ground. Phil chuckled. He loved doing that.

She let out a small squeak, whirling on her heel and rushing off. Phil shook his head.

Phil cursed under his breath as he watched her beeline straight to Dan and his group of friends at the other side of the room. Phil couldn’t hear what she was saying, but she pointed at him less than subtly. A blush appeared immediately on Dan’s face, a hand going to cover his mouth automatically. He said something, and glanced over at Phil. Phil winked, waving. Might as well commit.

Dan blushed harder, looking away immediately and pressing his hands to his clearly heated cheeks. Phil smirked. He loved how much of an affect this had on him. He was so responsive.

Phil would just have to wait until he was alone.


~


It was about half an hour of boredom and wanting to leave later when Dan’s friends started to leave one by one, and Phil watched them almost hungrily until the only one left was the girl who had talked to him.

Phil moved along the wall a little closer, straining to hear their conversation. He couldn’t hear her but he heard Dan say “Silvia, I’m fine, I’m just gonna help clean up. I can take care of myself.”

“Are you sure you’re okay with walking home alone?”

“Of course. It’s just a few blocks over.” He offered her a soft smile, touching her shoulder, and Phil’s heart swelled. Damn it. “It’ll be fine. I’ll see you at school, alright?”

“Alright…” she agreed hesitantly, going on her toes to give him a kiss on the cheek, rushing out of the room.

And then it was only them.

Dan cleared his throat, his cheeks beginning to redden again. “So, um, do you want to help clean up, or…”

Phil recognized the opportunity he was offering, and took it. “Yeah, sure. I’d say you’ll probably need a hand.”

Phil helped Dan fold chairs, watching him the whole time while Dan avoided his eyes.

“You look nice,” Dan commented, just being polite, but Phil snorted.

“Are you kidding? I’m wearing rags compared to you. Seriously, who wears a tie to a party in a church basement?”

Dan blushed even harder, glancing down at the black tie fastened neatly around his neck.

“Me, I guess,” he muttered, laughing awkwardly.

“Was that your girlfriend?” Phil blurted.

Dan looked at him then, eyes wide. “Who, Silvia?”

Phil nodded, and Dan laughed. Like, really laughed.

“No!” He exclaimed, shaking his head. “She’s my cousin!”

Now Phil laughed too, pushing his hair back until it sat in a quiff above his forehead.

“Oh Jesus,” he muttered. “Well, thank god.”

He expected Dan to just brush off his comment like he always did, change the subject, look away, something. He didn’t.

“Why’s that?” He asked softly, pressing his lips together and searching Phil’s face. “Why are you relieved?”

Phil shrugged, tossing a plastic cup at the trash and making it. “Because if you were with anyone else, I’d be upset.”

He glanced at Dan, smirking at the way his eyes had widened and his mouth had fallen open just slightly.

“W-Why?” Dan asked again, biting his lip and turning back to the plates he was stacking.

“Because I like you.” He shrugged, casual. “I wanna make you mine, and if people are interfering, that’s a problem, isn’t it baby boy?”

A small gasp escaped Dan’s mouth at the nickname, and Phil smirked.

“Silvia… Silvia said you…” he trailed off, chewing on his lip, his eyebrows furrowed. Phil took this opportunity to step closer.

“That I want to fuck you?” Phil asked, finishing the sentence, and Dan tensed up.

“Yeah…” he muttered, practically a whisper.

“Well, it’s not a lie.” Phil glanced at him, searching his face before turning back to the chair he was folding up. “I’ve been hitting on you for the last month, you didn’t notice?”

Dan shook his head, avoiding his gaze, and they were quiet for a moment.

“You ever kissed a boy?”

“What?!” Dan spluttered, his cheeks redder than Phil had thought possible. “N-No, of course not, I… I couldn’t.”

Phil turned to look at him, frowning, turning his whole body this time so he was facing him.

“Why not?”

Dan faced him too, at a loss for words, his mouth opening and closing.

“I mean, I s-suppose I could but… I CAN’T. That… that’s…” he trailed off, and Phil stepped forward so he was only inches away. Dan froze, but didn’t move away.

He trailed a finger up Dan’s jaw slowly and Dan swallowed, shivering, watching its progress. “You never know if you like something until you try it, right?”

“Well I suppose, but…” Dan gasped as Phil grabbed his tie, wrapping it around his hand and pulling Dan closer.

“But?”

“But…” Dan looked like his mind was going fuzzy, glancing down at the tie that Phil was holding him by and back up at Phil’s eyes, and then his lips. “I’m not gay,” he practically squeaked, his voice small.

“You never know if you like something unless you try it,” Phil repeated, slowly touching Dan’s waist with the hand that wasn’t gripping his tie. Dan didn’t move an inch as Phil leaned over, pressing his lips against Dan’s.

Phil waited a second to make sure Dan wasn’t going to pull away before reaching up to touch Dan’s chin, really kissing him. He dragged his tongue along Dan’s bottom lip, asking for entrance, rather surprised when he actually opened his mouth.

He could feel Dan’s hands shaking as they moved up Phil’s chest, sliding over his shoulders and wrapping around his neck. Phil gripped his waist, pulling him as close as possible. With one hand he tangled his fingers in Dan’s hair, kissing him deeper. He tasted like awful punch and fruit gum, and Phil was sure he tasted like cigarettes, but Dan didn’t seem to mind.

Phil backed him against the wall, kissing him hotly and letting his hands roam Dan’s body. He moved his mouth to Dan’s jaw, kissing down to his neck and nipping at the pale skin. Dan whimpered, moaning softly and tangling his fingers in Phil’s hair.

“Ah-” Dan gasped, letting his head fall back against the wall. “Phil…”

Phil pulled back, pressing his forehead against Dan’s and breathing heavily.

“Is there somewhere we could go?” Phil breathed, and he promised himself if Dan said no, or didn’t get the hint, he would give up. Dan’s brown eyes blinked at him.

“Just one…”

They ended up in the boy’s bathroom, Phil roughly shoving him against the wall and kissing him possessively. Dan whined into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Phil’s neck and clinging to him desperately.

Phil grabbed Dan’s thigh, hooking his leg around his waist and Dan took the hint, hopping up and wrapping his legs around Phil’s waist. Phil went back to his neck, trailing sloppy kisses down to his collarbone.

He unbuttoned Dan’s shirt, loosening and removing his tie before kissing him again. He let Dan push off his leather jacket and tug his shirt over his head, tossing it aside.

Phil’s hands explored Dan’s chest, pinching one of his nipples, and Dan gasped.

“Phil…” he moaned, an indirect beg for more. Phil palmed at his bulge, feeling Dan grind against his hand desperately.

Phil picked him up, spinning them around and setting him down on the counter, tugging at the button of Dan’s black jeans. Once he got them off he flipped Dan over after pressing a kiss to his jaw, bending him over the counter.

“I’m guessing you’ve never done this with a guy before,” Phil muttered, smoothing his hand over the curve of Dan’s ass and squeezing roughly. Dan jumped.

“N-No…”

Phil kissed the nape of his neck, pressing himself against Dan’s body. “Are you sure you want to?”

Dan let out an almost desperate gasp, his voice breaking. “Yes, yesyesyes, god just please… p-please fuck me, Phil, want you.”

Phil grunted, slapping Dan’s thigh sharply. “Jesus, you have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear you say that.”

Phil took no time removing his jeans, tugging down Dan’s boxers as well, grinding his still clothed bulge against Dan’s ass. Dan moaned, reaching back and grabbing Phil’s hips, pulling him closer.

Phil’s boxers were off in a second as well, skin rubbing against skin. Dan pushed his ass back; he was a needy bottom and Phil fucking loved it.

Phil held two fingers to Dan’s mouth, motioning for him to open. Dan sucked on the fingers obediently, slicking them up with spit.

“This might hurt a little,” Phil muttered, rubbing Dan’s entrance with one finger. “Tell me to stop if you need to, alright?”

“Mhm,” Dan agreed, pushing his ass back again. Phil slapped it and Dan yelped, pulling forward again.

“Don’t be a needy bitch, Dan,” Phil growled, pushing the first finger into Dan slowly. Dan moaned.

“S-Sorry, sir-” he gasped.

Phil took his time stretching him; considering it was his first time he didn’t want it to hurt too bad. Dan flinched away at first but soon he was whining and grinding back on Phil’s digits. Phil moaned just at the sight, he never thought he’d have him like this.

Finally he pulled out, holding his hand up to Dan’s face again and instructing him to spit. Dan did as he said, and Phil slicked himself up with that as well as precum that was already forming on the head of his swollen cock.

“Ready?” He breathed, pressing his whole body against Dan’s and leaning over him to kiss his neck. Dan whined.

“Yes, yes sir, please, I’m ready, I need you.”

Phil hummed in approval; he loved how quickly Dan had changed from a good little church boy to a desperate slut with just a little kissing.

Phil pushed in slowly, taking his time in edging into Dan, which took an incredible amount of self control on his part. Finally he bottomed out, kneading Dan’s ass in his hands. Dan was a mess beneath him, whining and whimpering at every movement, conflicted between pushing back and pulling away.

Phil reached up, tangling his fingers in Dan’s hair, giving it a soft tug and driving a whimper out of Dan’s pretty mouth.

He began to thrust, pulling almost all the way out and pushing back in slowly, Dan gasping every time he did so. Phil snapped his hips roughly without warning, thrusting hard, and Dan cried out.

“Fuck!” He practically shrieked, a loud feminine moan falling from his mouth.

“You’re a loud little slut, aren’t you?” Phil panted, groaning as he thrust roughly again. Dan let out a high pitched whine.

“Fuckfuckfuck p-please, fuck, harder…”

Phil obliged, driving his cock deeper into the whimpering boy, skin slapping on skin echoing through the room. Phil tugged on Dan’s hair again, watching his face through the mirror, and fuck he could cum just from that.

Dan’s lips were swollen, his cheeks red and flushed, his hair messy and his eyes glazed over with need. Phil groaned, snapping his hips.

Phil knew he had hit Dan’s prostate when he screamed, a loud “FUCK, PHIL” bouncing off the walls. Phil smirked, angling his thrusts to hit that spot.

“This is a sin, you know,” Phil growled, reaching up to cover Dan’s mouth with his hand as he fucked into him harder. “Such a filthy fucking sinner for me, princess, ruined on my cock.”

Dan’s desperate muffled moans against his hand were pushing him to the edge, that and his tight heat encasing Phil’s cock. Phil smirked.

“Such a pretty fucking sinner too, isn’t that right? All for me. Your tight ass is all mine, yeah?”

Dan didn’t answer, continuous moaning falling from his mouth, muffled by Phil’s hand. He just nodded frantically, his moans sounding close to sobs.

Dan came after a few more thrusts all over his stomach, white streaking the counter under him and he whimpered, now sensitive to Phil’s cock pounding into his prostate every thrust.

Phil pulled out, quickly tugging Dan to his knees in front of him, guiding his cock to his lips. Dan took it obediently, lowering himself on Phil’s length. Phil groaned, tangling his fingers in Dan’s hair and fucking his throat as gently as he could. Dan gagged, digging his fingernails into Phil’s hips, and that was all it took. Phil came down his throat, keeping his cock still until he was sure Dan had swallowed all of it.

He helped Dan to his feet, holding him steady because it was clear he was close to falling over.

Dan just stared at him, stunned, watching as Phil casually got dressed. After he was clothed he cleaned Dan’s stomach and the counter with a paper towel, tossing it in the trash.

He grinned, kissing Dan’s cheek and backing towards the door, winking.

“See you next Sunday, Danny.”

youtube

On that last Pizza Party Podcast (66) Jim talked about how the horror movie The Devil Inside didn’t have a real ending. The ending just said “Go this website to know what happened next” The site is no longer up.

Found this video of a crowd reaction

your faves are problematic: the vancouver crew edition

ryang

  • regularly beatboxes ‘drop it like it’s hot’ by snoop dogg in its entirety even though he would be perfectly capable at doing other songs
  • got a job at the local ice cream shop just to be able to ‘sample’ every single flavor every single day but somehow hasn’t gained any weight
  • still counts on his fingers for simple everyday math problems
  • owns more pairs of shoes than most people do t-shirts and has an entire cubby shelf storage system in his closet for them
  • is naturally talented at cooking but is usually too lazy to actually make the effort and mostly depends on top ramen and dried fruit from trader joe’s for his nutrition

lee-squared

  • has eaten a whole pizza by himself on more than one occasion, and not just cheese, either - he prefers either loaded supreme or meat-lovers
  • kills every plant he has ever attempted to own, including several different species of succulents and cacti
  • quotes and references outdated memes that only he remembers
  • couldn’t decide which teenage mutant ninja turtle to name his pet tortoise after so he combined them all and named it leoraphdonangelo (which cheng2 thinks sounds like a species of dinosaur)
  • won the spelling bee five years in a row in middle school and has impeccable grammar yet types his text messages and blog posts like a shitty dumb frat boy on tindr looking for a hookup

sicksteve

  • inherited a huge collection of vinyl records from his older brother and owns a record player but primarily listens to spotify through his awful laptop speakers
  • buys his hard-to-find specialized hair products online even though the shipping costs are ridiculous
  • refuses to get snapchat because it’s ‘stupid and pointless’ but often sabotages cheng2′s dog filter and flower crown selfies
  • has perfect eyesight but wears glasses anyway purely for the aesthetic
  • took up guitar in seventh grade and is a natural, learned classical and jazz techniques but insists on playing mainly post-punk acoustic jams (with whiny vocals happily provided by lee-squared)

koh

  • only ever joined the aglionby soccer team because he thought the goalie was cute (and just happened to actually be pretty okay at soccer)
  • still wears heelie sneakers out in public
  • is afraid of piranhas to the point of having nightmares about them even though he has never been in any waters where they are naturally found
  • exclusively drinks super fruity cocktails (mainly tequila sunrises and malibu bay breezes) even though they give him terrible hangovers; often vows to ‘never drink again’ but never holds to it
  • plans and budgets entire trips to europe and asia almost monthly but closes every tab without actually buying any tickets or booking hotels because he hates flying and is waiting for teleportation to be invented

henry broadway/cheng2

  • prefers eggo waffles over ryang’s homemade belgian waffles and eats them straight out of the box (still frozen). also does this with frozen blueberries and then complains when he gets brain freeze
  • regularly gets too stoned to do his homework and has to copy off of henry cheng’s in the mornings before class
  • has read the whole harry potter book series seven times and has watched all of the films even more than that and still cries every time dumbledore dies
  • names 99.9% of his possessions even though he usually forgets what he names them and then has to rename them
  • has spent a shocking amount of time on his playstation4 building an incredibly accurate minecraft replica of the litchfield house

rutherford

  • is very academically gifted but puts in minimal effort whenever he can and often scrolls through reddit instead of paying attention in class
  • joined the aglionby lacrosse team on a dare from ryang even though he’d never played lacrosse in his entire life (he was terrible)
  • learned american sign language with his younger brother just so the two of them could complain about their parents’ strict rules without their parents knowing
  • has seen every true crime documentary on netflix at least once
  • can’t tolerate spicy food at all. at ALL. he thinks uncooked and unseasoned green bell peppers are spicy

Let’s also not pretend that the constant sidelining of Hunk and Lance isn’t racialized. Notably, Hunk, Lance, Allura, Shiro, and Keith are all people of color, but Shiro and Keith are both light-skinned and conventionally attractive. Hunk is a dark-skinned fat brown boy, Lance is a brown Latino boy, and Allura is a black woman. It’s no wonder that Hunk and Lance are sidelined, and it’s no wonder that though Allura is a genuine and complex character, fandom still hates on her while glorifying Keith and Shiro. 

Making comic relief out of brown boys has always been something white creators do! Whether it’s the Indian tech nerd ™ stereotype or the party boy Latino ™ stereotype, brown characters are either brutalized or dumbed down. Both Hunk and Lance are canonically very brave and very intelligent, and have their own complexities. Hunk really always is stuck with difficult and dangerous jobs. And Lance really hasn’t been appreciated enough by his team. But the narrative chose to focus on ~empty headed flirtatious Lance~ and ~gourmand, food enthusiast Hunk~ . The fandom also fawns over Keith and Shiro and ignores Hunk and Lance precisely because Hunk and Lance are visibly brown (and Hunk is dark-skinned and fat too). 

If you are bored and disgusted by politics and don’t bother to vote, you are in effect voting for the entrenched Establishments of the two major parties, who please rest assured are not dumb, and who are keenly aware that it is in their interests to keep you disgusted and bored and cynical and to give you every possible reason to stay at home doing one-hitters and watching MTV on primary day. By all means stay home if you want, but don’t bullshit yourself that you’re not voting. In reality, there is no such thing as not voting: you either vote by voting, or you vote by staying home and tacitly doubling the value of some Diehard’s vote.
—  Up, Simba!, David Foster Wallace (born on this day in 1962)