the original series star trek

Portugal Ficlet: Sneaking into the pool

Another Portugal 2010 ficlet! I rarely write for prompts, but this bit of ridiculousness was inspired by the anon who wanted the boys going to a hotel pool on a hot night … which my brain for some reason combined with the actual Phil tweet from Portugal that is shown at the end.

[Masterlist of all pieces of the Portugal fic project]


They were watching tv in their hotel room late one night, both sitting up in the bed. They were watching some incredibly old episode of “Star Trek,” maybe the original series. Neither of them had watched the show before, so they weren’t sure. But at least it wasn’t in Portuguese like the programs on the other stations.

“I’m going crazy cooped up in here,” Dan complained eventually. “And these actors are really bad.”

Phil was staring at the television with a slightly appalled look on his face. “And what the heck are they wearing?”

Dan walked restlessly over to the balcony and opened the curtains, stepping out into the night air. Somehow the temperature had only seemed to climb as darkness descended tonight, and sticky sweat coated his skin. Down below, he saw the hotel pool, all its lamps now extinguished to indicate that it was closed to use.

Dan walked back into the room with a mischievous smirk on his face.

15 minutes later, they were strolling through the lobby in their swim trunks and t-shirts, trying to act casual, though they kept bursting into giggles when they looked at each other. The lobby staff probably thought they were high.

They strolled casually along one of the illuminated paths across the lawn, but then detoured off to sneak off toward the darkened pool area. There was no gate to keep out interlopers, since the hotel seemed to trust that its distinguished guests would respect the clear message of the extinguished lamps and not trespass into the pool after its closing time.

Both boys hastily dropped their t-shirts on the concrete and then eased themselves into the water, trying not to splash too much and draw attention from the staff.

“Oooooh!” Dan moaned softly in relief. “This is soooo much better! I hadn’t realized how hot I was until I got into the water.”

“I always realized how hot you were,” Phil replied pertly, making Dan roll his eyes at the cheesy joke. He ducked his head underwater and came up to spit a mouthful at Phil.

“Ugh!” Dan exclaimed, making a disgusted face. “Chlorine in my mouth!”

“Come give me a chloriney kiss,” Phil suggested, giving Dan flirty eyes in the dim light.

But apparently Dan had spoken a bit too loudly, and an employee from the lobby stepped out to look around. Dan and Phil froze in the pool, treading water as silently as possible, until Phil had the poor luck to sneeze. Dan glared at him and Phil hissed accusingly, “You got chlorine up my nose!”

“You there!” the hotel employee called out in English. This was a tourist hotel and most of the guests seemed to be British, so the staff usually spoke English by default. “The pool is closed!”

Phil whispered to Dan, “Hey! He’s dressed like those ‘Star Trek’ guys!” The hotel uniform did indeed have the same sleek lines.

Dan laughed out loud before whispering back, “Oh my god! You’re right! I hadn’t noticed, but they all are!” They looked in through the wide windows at the staff in the lobby and burst into uncontrollable giggles.

The hotel guy had lost patience with them. “Come out of there right now!” he insisted sternly.

They paddled to the side and climbed out, picking up their t-shirts and donning them so that they clung uncomfortably to their wet bodies. “We come in peace,” Phil intoned with a straight face, holding up his hand and making what he thought was maybe a Vulcan salute. He wasn’t sure he was holding his fingers right. Dan cracked up again. The hotel employee did not look amused.

“This area is off-limits after 8 p.m.,” he chided them. Dan and Phil stifled their laughter and nodded silently, attempting to look appropriately contrite. When he didn’t say anything else, they slunk away back through the hotel lobby and raced up to their room, where they collapsed on the bed, laughing hysterically.

“We just utterly defiled this bed with pool water,” Dan pointed out when he had caught his breath.

Phil grinned at him. “That was so totally worth it.”


My favourite fact about Star Trek TOS is that, because automatic doors weren’t invented yet, the ‘automatic doors’ in TOS were really just some guy yanking a rope and pulley system to make them slide open. Problem was the person was far enough away that they couldn’t see when exactly the doors needed to be open, and relied on a signal from somebody just off set. The actors, however, had to act as if they were 100% confident the doors were going to open at the exact time and moment despite the fact that they occasionally did not which lead to multiple occasions in which the actors walked directly into the doors while they were opening. 

“The way they defeated the aliens in Star Trek Beyond is unrealistic!”

For your convenience, here is a list of some other ways Star Trek villains have been defeated:

  • By Kirk reciting the Declaration of Independence really passionately
  • Kirk literally fighting himself
  • Kirk fighting himself again (this time while Spock watched)
  • Fat tribbles eating the problem away
  • Dr. McCoy applying mortar to an acidic rock creature
  • Spock mind-melding with a probe
  • Literal whales
  • The power of love defeating V’ger
  • Spock killing Kirk instead of having sex (Kirk got better)
  • An omnipotent being got his ass grounded by his parents
  • By doing literally nothing and history happened the way it would have anyway (plus there was a cat who turned into a hot lady)
  • The crew dressed up in suits and threatened to shoot gangsters
  • Kirk explaining birth control to an overpopulated planet
  • By making children cry

So you see, Beyond is actually well within the Star Trek tradition of ridiculousness.