I wrote this after I realized how hard it is for me to talk to normal people. It really hit me and all I knew was that I had to write down what I felt and you're gonna learn a lot about me. Not finished but enjoy my craziness.
Life is crazy. If you really take the time to think about it , everything that happens could be described as a miracle. Youre living right now and youre you right now, just think about that, there are infinite possibilities on who you could have become and you are who you are right now, but are you really being you? If you take a look at yourself right now do you like who are and how you act in the public eye? Everyone is trying to impress each other and it hasnt just become thius way and it isnt just in cleveland or ohio or america its the whole world, throughout history, forever. Its conformity, wanting to be in style is destroying the human race, limitimg us. Its sad that i cant even blame people for not wanting to be different because i know that theyre scared because people dont like different, humans are close minded and selfish and we have always hurt people for being different. And its crazy because the only reason im able to speak this way now is because ive never been good at conforming even when i tried and i ttruly did.
As far as i can remember i always felt out of place, even around family, especially around my family. I hate to say this but my family is made out of a bunch of truly dumb people and i dont mean that as an insult, i mean it truly and i hate to say this even more, my mother is the worst of them all. Everyday i realize this more and more and everday i thank whatever universal force there is that i am the way i am. My family does nothing but argue, i have no real connection with anyuone in my family and even when i was younger i realized this and so even the people that know me best know little to nothing about my family. Its sad but i think i had to learn a lot about the world on my own, I had no Father figure though i am named after him but mmaybe thats why ive been going by Hamilton lately, because he dosnt deserve me as a son. I am 19 years old now and the last time i seen him i was five and in a way i thank him for leaving because i wouldnt be me right now. I know nothing of my fathers side of the family and i have step siblings i have obly met once. Thinking about this makes me wonder how i got to this mindset even more.
My mothers side of the family consists of my grandmother, my aunt, my uncle, my aunts son (my cousin), and my uncles two kids (other two cousins), and my sister of course, these are the only ones i have interacted with. My uncle is doin the best because he got away, he moved to Japan years ago and has started his own family and is a teacher there but even he was never able to fully gain a connection with me, i dont even know if i truly care about him or anyone in my family for that matter. My aunt has basically given herself to religion (which i will talk about later) and has even married a preacher, she like my uncle has basically abandoned the the sinking ship that is my family. Her son, my cousin, who as a kid i enjoyed so much went to jail when i was still young and didnt get out until it was already too late (hes back in jail again as i write this) to make a connection with me, he is maybe the only one who couldve been a figure for me.
Being close minded is the worst thing you could be. Thats what my mom and grandma are. They completely refuse to change any idea that have in their heads so thats why they are dumb and so it is impossible for me or anyone to really talk to them. They are lonely and i know it, but its too late to save them. I dont live a privileged life, i truly had to work for everything that i have. In this house we have gone months without heat and hot water during the winter and we have gone months in scorching summers without cool air. My mothers everything wasnt enough. Its because the way she was raised by my grandmother who is just insane and angry at the world. I dont know much about how my mother and her siblings were raised, i only here passing stories like the time she held a knife to my uncles throat. Whenever she argues with one of my family members now she says that she would kill them if they were around her and i believe her.
However everything that my family is, it all goes back to how they were raised, it made them who they are and unfortunately it looks like my sister is taking after them and letting them run her life (shes 11 months older than me). Then why am i different? Was i born to think like this and not be like my family? Ive known for a long time that ive wanted to help people but today i think ive realized how im supposed to help I cant save my family members but maybe i can save you and whoever else reads this by passing on my philosophy on how we as the human race should be living. I feel like ive become more and more enlightened recently and i feel like i was always meant to reach this point but first i want everyone to understand how i got here to who i am now because while i was born different it was a process to get to where i feel like ive woken up.
The first stage of going through this process is becoming extremely arrogant and i truly did think i was better than everyone for a long time in my life, all throughout middle school and for half my highschool experience. This arrogance always made me lazy and in school i was never one to care about grades and i didnt realize until recently that its because im not meant for school and there are probably many others who feel the same. Even now when i feel good about life and everything, i still have no motivation to try in my classes and if youre reading this and feel the same way trust me when i say that you shouldnt try to force it, at least not in college. I went to a private catholic school since 2nd grade and somehow ended up graduating from middle school and i even made friends who i know to this day but unfortunately my grades (and my mothers funds) were not enough to get me into a private high school and i ended up attending a public highschool, james ford rhodes.
This ended up being the peak of my arrogance, i looked around at all these kids who acted so differently from me, even more than what i was accustomed to and they all seemed so dumb to me and all the high school work seemed so easy which made me even more lazy and i ended up doing the bare minimum for the rest of highschool as well. I forgot to mention that as a kid i had the biggest morals, didnt even start cursing until 7th grade and that was only to get attention when my middle school “popularity” went down. I read too many books and i thought i was meant to be a hero and be truly the best person, so even in high school i looked down on those who drank or smoked anything. Looking back now i realize that in those first two years of high school i was lost, i realized i had no friends and this is when i truly tried to be like the rest of kids in my generation and it worked a little bit, although i became a shadow to the little people i knew at school, i was a background character and it sucked because i knew i wasnt being me and i was realizing more and more that i didnt belong.