the numberer

We should probably acknowledge that the reason the line “Is Hannibal in love with me?” is something that only kind of works with any fully in-text analysis–and why Hugh’s reasoning over it requires a certain amount of discussion over semantics, or some such analysis of his analysis, or us explaining other considerations like fear or jealousy, or by using crack to joke at Mr. Empathy’s Critical Failure, or whatever–is that the line seems to exist less to illuminate Will or Hannibal’s thinking but to put the concept to words so that viewers would just GET IT ALREADY. 

It’s for the heteronormative folks, you know, half of whom still deny it. And it’s for those who don’t think a same sex relationship “counts” as canon unless there’s a kiss or sex or whatever. And it’s for us in the sense that we wanted an acknowledgement of it. 

Whether the clarification was in the show in the most effective way possible is a conversation for a different day, but that’s a good part of why it’s there and why it doesn’t quite fit without a little wiggling it into place.

Just to make it absolutely clear that I’ve been nothing but polite about this whole incident since the very beginning, this is the ask I sent to Cookie Translation before any of this drama (thank god for x-kit and outbox function):

This is the comment I left on their Youtube video in reply to someone else’s comment:

As you can see, no malice whatsoever.

What happens next is that my comment quickly gets deleted and Cookie Translation replies to Saygin with this comment, clearly saying they did the work:

And still with no reply to my ask. This is the first time I felt it was completely undeniable that Cookie Translation’s videos were made with ill intent and was going to continue to claim my translations as theirs without any remorse for what they’re doing.

I think you can understand, I was angry. I continued to delete all my other translations and left this message on my Google Doc:

And also made this post, copy-and-pasted the message from my Google Doc, and inserted a link to Cookie Translation’s video so people will understand why I’m doing this.

This is probably the most malice I’ve ever made in my comments (if you can even call this malice). But I was understandably very angry at this time. Still, not a lot of people even knew about this. Just look at the number of notes my original post has as of this moment. Six. And that’s counting the notes I got after this became such a public issue.

The truth is, barely anybody even knew about my accusation of Cookie. Yet, the next thing Cookie does is immediately make this 7-second video, which reads:

And pinned this in the comments section:

Does it really sound like I’m “shit talking”? Does it seem like I’ve done anything that would lead to Cookie being “backed up into a corner”?

Also, you know, I’m a stereotypically shy and passive tiny Japanese girl with social anxiety myself, but I don’t use that as an excuse for anything. I’m still mature enough to stand up for myself or apologize for wrongful behavior.

If any of my little amount of followers were malicious, assuming this isn’t a lie, then I’ll apologize for that, since I don’t condone that kind of behavior.

However, it’s very clear to me this video was made just to garner pity from your subscribers. Going so far as to say “I will delete everything on here now” to make them angry. This is when it became a public issue. Cookie put a spotlight on their wrongful behavior and got their subscribers involved themselves.

Which is when I started getting a bunch of accusations sent to my ask. Of course, I had no choice but to thoroughly respond with all the evidence to back me up. So please don’t blame me for all this drama.

@cookietranslations - I just want to talk.

Still, Cookie Translation has yet to reply. Why is that? I’m trying to work this out with them. Why isn’t Cookie reciprocating? Assuming they don’t just feel bad about getting caught, don’t just want to make themselves look even worse, or think just ignoring me will solve the issue - Do they feel guilty about what they did? Are they afraid of what I’ll say? Do they really not know how to handle these kind of situations? In that case, don’t be scared, I just want to work this out.

I believe I’ve thoroughly and completely debunked Cookie’s claims with all the evidence I provided in my previous posts. Now all I want is for Cookie to apologize and give credit where credit is due.

If any of Cookie’s friends or subscribers can get them to talk to me, that would be greatly appreciated. Of course, be respectful and polite. Thank you.

I
The day you first smiled at me,
you were eleven and I was twelve
and she didn’t hit me back home.
Little fairy, you have always fulfilled
my deepest wishes.

II
When you called me your friend,
you were dressed in purple
and my stomach didn’t hurt as we danced.
I wondered if I should have kissed you then,
but you were happy with him
and that was enough.


III
I dried your tears because I cared.
Believe me,
I tried to protect you from him after
I noticed I didn’t liked seeing you hurt.
If I could, I’d go back and tell you the truth
since the begining,
I’d do it in a heartbeat.


IV
My jacket suits you better than his arms,
and your lips will always be my favorite flavour.
It hurt me, too.
But I will never touch you unless you want me too,
I will always be whatever you need me to.
As long as you are okay, I’ll be that.


V
I did saw you.
You looked so beautiful when I made that joke,
and your touch stayed with me for months,
just like your birthday kiss
and the sensation of your palm touching mine.


VI
I also know I looked bad,
know that I felt bad  and couldn’t care less.
But when the summer came,
and you were here,
I cared.
That was me, being better for me,
because of you
for the first time.


VII
Kissing you that day was a stellar moment in my life,
following you around and beyond a first.
It felt like the last, too.
And the only one. 
For me, it still feels that way.


VIII
I would call you mine everyday,
I would call you my sun,
my stars and my moon,
everything and anything, you.
You have no idea how many times I did it when you weren’t there,
just to make it clear to them,
I wasn’t letting you go anywhere anytime soon.


IX
There’s times when I laugh
remembering my fear and reaction to your words.
Sometimes I forget we were both kids
and that you have never shied away from love.
But you loved me,
not him or someone else,
me.
Suddenly,
everyting else didn’t matter.


X
Having you in my arms
will always be my favorite position to sleep.
Your heart beating against my touch,
your breathing matching mine,
your dreams becoming ours.
Best moment of my day.


XI
What I did still matters to me,
everything felt like changing after
and you never looked at me the same way.
I mean it, and I still do:
I love you,
I do,
I will always love you,
and I will always be sorry about that.


XII
I’m sorry.
       I’m sorry.
              I’m sorry.
                      I’m sorry.
                             I’m sorry.
                                    I’m sorry.
                                           I’m sorry.


XIII
You are never coming back,
don’t you?
I love you still,
I will succumb to the infinity of it.


XIV
I’m sorry.

—  love story. // jackie on my mind. nc.