ALRIGHT MY DUDES I’M NOT GONNA BORE YOU WITH THE RABBIT HOLE I WENT DOWN TO FIND THIS BUT JUST LOOK AT IRL KEITH
His name is Ernie Reyes Jr. but he played a character named Keno (KENO?? KEITH?? COINCIDENCE?? I THINK NOT) in the 1991 movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (again, don’t ask how I got here)
He’s a pizza delivery boy that gets caught up in turtle shenanigans and literally only exists for one movie but please just look at him.
The black t-shirt, the bright red jacket, tHE MULLET. Did I also mention he’s Filipino because I could go for some Filipino!Keith headcanons like sign me the fuck up
AND WHAT’S THIS??? Have you always wanted to know what Keith would look like reacting to meeting cryptids irl well HERE YOU FUCKING GO. THROWBACK TO THE OG CRYPTIDS OF MY CHILDHOOD: GIANT RATMAN AND HIS GREEN DISCIPLES
Here’s him ready to fight a bitch in a tank top because he loves fisticuffs and is a hella good martial artist. Within the first like four minutes of the movie, he sees these dudes robbing a store and goes up to them ALONE telling them “you’re under arrest” HOLDING A BUNCH OF PIZZAS and attempts to take all of them out alone. I mean he beats the shit out of them but like then a bunch more guys come running out and then he’s like oH SHIT I DIDNT THINK THIS THROUGH but luckily the turtles come to save his ass.
Did I also mention that out of all the turtles he is most similar to Raphael? The red turtle. The most impatient and impulsive turtle. Always ready to fight. PLEASE. Also Raphael doesn’t really like him at first but then Keno suggests he use himself as bait to find the baddies and suddenly Raphael is like “I hate to agree with him but he’s gotta point.” So even though Splinter is like “TOO DANGEROUS” the two of them break off from the rest of the team and do the mission anyways (um) and accidentally find The Big Bad™ (uM) and then get into hot shit (UM) and Raphael sacrifices himself for Keno (UMMMMMMMMMM). But don’t worry Keno brings everyone back to save him.
And then later there’s a scene where Splinter tries to teach him how to meditate but Keno physically can’t do it and runs off to fight instead because fuck patience he needs to kick something. Here’s this idiot literally back flipping onto the stage to fight Shredder one-on-one like wtf he’s so extra™
He also had an action figure even though he was only in one movie and HOLY SHIT THIS IS MORE KEITH LIKE THAN THE KEITH ACTION FIGURE????
In conclusion: WHAT THE FUCK WAS KEITH DOING WITH THE NINJA TURTLES IN 1991?? IDK BUT I FOUND HIM
(Unfortunately our consistent party tends to be just three people: myself, my husband, and a friend of ours. When I’m DM, I’m almost constantly caught off guard by the things my players do. Even when I go out of my way to try and come up with every possible thing they could do, they manage to do something unexpected. Here’s a few examples…)
(Story is an elven man is a mentor to a young human boy. His parents died under mysterious circumstances; everyone believes a bear killed his parents. After some investigating, it was determined that the elven man killed both parents with arrows to the heart, on account of they were going to sell their son into slavery. This follows.)
Husband: I let the elf go and go hunting.
Me: Uh, okay. What are you hunting for?
Husband: A bear.
Me: ….. *retrieves Bestiary* Ooookay then…
(He eventually succeeds in killing two bears, then brought one to the boy as ‘the one that killed his parents’. I actually, honestly expected him to kill the elf mentor…)
(A young boy is causing a scene in a city, harassing some guards. My players come and get the situation calmed, getting the guards to leave. It turns out that the boy’s father was a wizard who was wrongfully executed and he’s taking out his anger on the guards. Then this happens…)
Me: The boy, still distraught, casts Magic Missile at (husband). Take 2 damage.
Friend (a ninja): I jump kick the boy in the head.
Friend: *hard stare*
Me: …. (We roll appropriately) He takes 12 nonlethal damage and is knocked unconscious.
Friend: *to my husband, in character* Shall I dispatch this miscreant for you, master?
(A slaver ship captain is in a brothel. I expected the players to just wait on the docks for him to return. Instead, they split up and end up at the brothel together. One is an Inquisitor (husband), the other is a vigilante (friend). Both are male. I fully expect both of them to enter as patrons. Instead…)
Friend: I disguise myself as a woman named ‘Rose’.
Husband: *shaking head*
Friend: I go inside and pretend to be looking for a job.
(We RP him approaching the Madame, and her offering rates and such things for 'Rose’. Note that the vigilante’s hero name is “The Wild Rose”, the brothel’s name is “The Blooming Rose”, and the Madame’s name is “Rosa”. The place is also heavily guarded by false patrons wearing masks. Husband comes in as a patron looking for a woman of Rose’s exact description, so he’s escorted to her room as her first patron. Then they just wait in the room for the man they suspect to be the captain to come by. After actually yanking him into the room when he turned down Rose’s advances [he preferred strong women, but Rose was dainty and childlike], they fight, and win. However, an alert goes up. I expect the pair to jump out the window. Instead…)
Husband: I run out of the room and around the corner, duck into another room, and cast Invisibility on myself.
Friend: I scream and pretend (Inquisitor) killed my customer.
(They proceeded to escape and even took the captain’s boots before they left, both of them invisible at this point.)
A Whole New Use for Bear Traps
(Same as the previous game, the two are sneaking around the house of a rich family and spot bear traps in the garden. I expect them to either move the traps, spring them, or ignore them. Instead…)
Friend: I PICK UP THE BEAR TRAPS.
Me: ….Okay, you do so.
(Few moments later, after a successful perception check to notice footsteps nearby…)
Me: You hear someone sneaking around.
Friend: …..I HOLD THE BEAR TRAPS IN MY HANDS AND READY AN ATTACK.
(It was an ally of theirs sneaking around, but he barely managed to NOT get her head stuck in a bear trap. Later on he used them again on a guard. Rather than roll damage, I just accepted it as the guard died instantly. For his sake…)
Can I just say how awesome Cogman is?!?!?!?! He’s so badass and so funny😂💪🏼 I just loved him in The Last Knight and I hope to see more of him. And Cade, yes of course I’d go with an ass-kicking ninja butler!
A little side-note… feel free to scroll past all this if you want. This is my first publication on this blog, I am very shy about my work but figured I should give it a try. This story is just a small excerpt, if people like it maybe I’ll look into writing longer stories. I really hope whoever is reading this gets some kind of joy out of it… my blog is quite new but a follow or share would REALLY help. Thank you so much.
Backstory:(Time-Period: Uprising in King’s Row) A few days ago Genji had pleasured Mercy in secret in the locker room after a training session with Tracer, this was a random act and Mercy had no idea Genji had such feelings for her.
It had been two days since the incident with Genji in the locker room… It plagued Angela’s thoughts every waking- and sleeping moment. She could hardly focus at work, and while adrift in sleep she could only think of those glowing red eyes and expertly skilled fingers. She had admittedly tried to touch herself in the privacy of her own room several times, but they could never satisfy her or bring her to the climax like Genji could. Her inner devil begged her to go back and satisfy her wild fantasies.