the night of writing dangerously

You broke my heart
but it doesn’t feel like heart break.
I drive a little faster, I cross the street without looking, I smoke an extra cigarette for each time I usually smoke one. I take my walks late at night instead of the safer afternoon. I go outside while my hair is still wet. I take two extra sleeping pills than I should.
I’ve become reckless.
Maybe you didn’t break my heart.
Maybe you just broke my way of living.
—  S.A


“We’re gonna die. You know that, right?” Ghoul’s voice was low, quiet. He wrung his hands together and stared at nothing.

Poison clenched his hands against the wheel until his knuckles turned white. He kept his eyes on the road and didn’t glance at Ghoul for even a second. “Yeah.”

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nights like these are dangerous.
hopelessness settles in,
making my scars itch
whispering beautiful reminders
of how addicting
the feeling was

as i long for the pain
i once caused myself,
i realize how disappointing it is
to look back at myself
3 months ago
when i looked at my scars wondering
how i could ever harm myself
without any regret

now it is just past 2 am
on a tuesday morning.
i notice that the air is thick
although i feel cold
and empty
as i trace my fingers
over the bandages.

i question myself.
i wonder why i let myself break,
why i couldn’t pick up the phone
and call the friend
i knew would answer,
or just sleep off the feeling.

yet that feeling
is what got me addicted
me in the first place.

and we are all smart enough to know
that the best addicts
can relapse the hardest.

[esquire - november ‘15 issue] interview with jonghyun
translation by: thatcoolcatmeow
(the translator asks that you please do not translate to other languages.)

esquire: all of the the staff (that) you worked with today for the photoshoot were all new faces to you because i arranged the casting. i was really surprised. i thought you would only work with staff that were in charge.
jonghyun: i think the main agent is not me; it’s just that the subject of the photoshoot happens to be me.

esquire: you are not the main agent?
jonghyun: no, it’s not my album.

esquire: ah …
jonghyun: i’m kidding. photoshoots are a visual thing and it’s not my professional area. i tend to trust the staff and go along with them. i’m sure reporter-nim selected talented people.

esquire: your new collection album, story. op 1, has been released.
jonghyun: i have put the songs that i’ve released on a radio show that i host, blue night. perhaps because i participated in (the) composing and the writing of the tracks…, i think it strongly shows off my personal taste. i planned tehe direction of the rearrangements, chose the order of the songs after deciding the tracklist, and observed the process when (all of the) musicians were recording. there was no part (of the process) that has not received my personal touch.

esquire: your album promotion is unusual. you held guerilla concerts rather than going on music shows.
jonghyun: i made new attempts in terms of music with this album so i wanted the promotion to be original, too. busking allows singers to communicate closely with the audience and it was the kind of performance i’ve been wanting to do for a long time. since i had to consider the safety of the fans (though), i can’t say it was entirely busking (though) and i had to carry (it) out more as a form of guerilla concerts.

esquire: your have been meeting with your fans through your solo concert, the story by jonghyun, during october. i heard you also participated in the planning and the direction of the stage. did you have a particular course of direction you wanted to lead (in)?
jonghyun: interaction. that’s why the concert is named “story” too. the story by jonghyun is incomplete when it’s on it’s own. it needed to be completed with the audience. there are actually parts that can only be finished with the participation of the audience.

esquire: it’s a stage where you exchange with the audience, then?
jonghyun: people who have watched the concert (have) told me: “thank you for letting me listen to your story.” i don’t think it was a story of my own (though); it was a story of us.

esquire: after releasing the album you also debuted as an author, publishing the novel, skeleton flower: things that have been set free. how was writing (a novel)? is it a different work from writing lyrics?
jonghyun: it seemed very different? rather than thinking that “i’m going to write a novel”, i started as wanting to suggest a different way of enjoying music. my ambition was grandoise.

esquire: enjoying music through a book?
jonghyun: in the novel the lyrics of the twelve songs i made are put here and there. if the lyrics come out while reading the book, have a listen to that song. it might sound new even if you already knew the song.

esquire: so, you can listen to music while reading a story. how did you come up with this idea?
jonghyun: music has a wonderful power. it allows one to explode with imagination. it makes on to imagine: “what was the situation that made the singer sing this song?, what happens afterwards?” i know this can be a little mean, but i wanted to own that imagination. as a person who created that song i wanted to tell people what happened before and after that song directly through the novel.

esquire: what is it about?
jonghyun: it’s about a break up. they say your first work becomes very autobiographical, and i think it really is looking back after it has been completed. the main male character, who’s an author, has a lot of emotional ups and downs. the female character, who’s a reporter, is tired of the same every day routine but is trying to be hardwording resembles me. the dj portrays the social role that i have which is obsertved from the perspective of someone from the outside. lastly, the female junior collegue character portrays someone who comforts people without saying words which is the kind of person i wish to be. i tried to depict every day lives of ordinary people rather than ones who seem extraordinary.

esquire: i think it’s not ordinary, starting off with the role of the author.
jonghyun: i think the standard is very vague. there’s definitely a side of me who meets someone ordinarily, falls in love, breaks up, experiences a hard time, and is trying to overcome that hard time. there may be variations in the intensity of the ups and downs, but i think that the feelings we experience are all the same.

esquire: then you must find inspirations in your every day life while writing music, too.
jonghyun: i tend to take a lot of notes when making discoveries in daily life. i will tell you a memo that i took yesterday. [on jonghyun’s mobile phone it was written: “nights are (more) dangerous than alcohol. you are (more) dangerous than the night.”] just like this, i write something short. i thought of this suddenly one night. you tend to get emotional when you’re drinking. it goes up and down like this, but i become more emotional in meeting the night than during drinking. when i discover something like this i express it metaphorically or poetically and unravel that into music. it’s really nothing.

esquire: that’s how you complete your song. shall we talk about your radio now? anyone who has listened to your radio at least once will know that you have a strong attachment to your radio show.
jonghyun: it’s fun.

esquire: perhaps you might earn more moeny if you invest that time on something else?
jonghyun: (laughs) i earn enough from other things. i’m not doing it for profit reasons.

esquire: then what do you earn instead?
jonghyun: interaction. it’s a medium of intimacy. it feels like we’re talking right next to each other, and i can meet people that i don’t know (personally). ah, i’m not talking about the guys. i’m talking about the listeners. since i have a whole two hours to myself i can share from trivial to complicated stories.

esquire: how many stories do you receive?
jonghyun: i receive four hundred at mimimum and two thousand at maximum each day.

esquire: you wouldn’t be able to read them all, then. do you only read the ones that are selected by the radio script writer?
jonghyun: no, i read them. all of them. i check them in realtime through the monitor installed in the radio booth, and also read stories when the advertisements are being aired. i receive an amount that i can read (through) all of them.

esquire: what are the stories mainly about?
jonghyun: since the time of radio is at night i usually receive stories like: “i’m tired”, “it’s hard” or “my day has been like this”, and such.

esquire: don’t you feel worn out when reading stories about how tired they are (though)?
jonghyun: i’m a person who can keep a good pace, so i don’t feel like that.

esquire: you comforted people saying it’s okay not to be okay. i think you’re an expert in comforting people. where did you learn this?
jonghyun: there’s no place to learn something like this. (laughs) i think i’m a warm hearted person then…, um…, i think if you have the will to really listen to someone’s story, worry about them and want to comfort them…, i think your heart will be delivered.

esquire: is there a virtue a good dj should possess?
jonghyun: this is something i talked about during my radio last night. i think trying to sound happy when you’re actually not is not a good attitude to have as a dj. i think you should be able to say that you’re sad when you’re sad and say that you’re having a hard time when you’re having a hard time. it might not be a good attitude for a star to have but a dj is someone who shares stories with the listeners so i think, as the listeners are showing their true feelings (to me), i shouldn’t be hiding mine. this way i won’t act cowardly.

esquire: what do you do when you take a rest?
jonghyun: i haven’t been able to take a rest. i don’t want to take a rest either. i like to work…, no, i’m person with a compulsive need to work. i feel like i’m worthless if i don’t do anything.

esquire: i see that there really is a (type of) person who cannot take rests.
jonghyun: sometimes i think: “why can’t i take rest?” maybe it’s different from person to person. i don’t know what the right thing to do (is).

esquire: that’s contradictory from someone who sings: “you can take a rest putting everything aside for a day.
jonghyun: it’s something i tell to other people. it’s something like: “you can be that way although i cannot (be)”? i have wrote a lot of songs that comfort other people. they weren’t (written) for me though.

esquire: what is a question (that) you ask most frequently to yourself?
jonghyun: it’s not really a question. i frequently tell myself to be hoenst, because i’m not that honest (with myself) yet. but i want to be…, i don’t want to embellish myself. though it’s a lot for me to be that way right now…, but i’m sure someday i will be?

esquire: you might end up getting hurt or hurting someone else trying to be honest (though).
jonghyun: i will need to put an effort in dealing with getting hurt or hurting someone, but i think that’s also a sign of growing up. another erson on why ii want to be honest is that i want to become a young man / youth that i dream of.

esquire: what kind of young man?
jonghyun: a young man making contibution to society.

esquire: you’re a bright young man.
jonghyun: i’m a pessimist. a dreamer, but we need a lot of dreamers, to be honest.

esquire: i agree that you’re a dreamer, but a pessimist…, why? i think you are a person in possession of many things. you receive a lot of love and are financially affluent.
jonghyun: pessimism, according to the definition of a dictionary, (is where a person) perceives the world or life as misery and becomes disillusioned to the point of living in hopelessness. i’m not like that to that extent, but i think we need to be aware of the negative sides of the world as well as the beautiful and happy ones. i want to be a person who can bring a positive change from that. it’s not something entirely negative.

esquire: why do you want to change the world that much?
jonghyun: i feel like i have been rejected when justice gets denied. although the world isn’t going to change with me alone i think it’s necessary to have a (sense of) direction and strive forward in the right way.

esquire: what is the world that jonghyun dreams of?
jonghyun: a society where everyone is equal so that it’s a peaceful world.

I crave the feeling of your lips on my skin and the way my neck burned at the soft scratch of your teeth. You were danger and mystery, and I was hopelessly in love with you.
—  R.G. // excerpt from a book i’ll never write #64 (via indielove-writings)

all--stories  asked:

I was reading your Shezza posts and I was wondering what you thought of ASiP's introduction of Sherlock's drug use during the drugs bust scene and specifically John's discovery of it.

Well, I didn’t mind it so much there, though the language in the series has tended to echo traditional recovery narratives (e.g., the notion that any substance use, even a cigarette, is part of a relapse—“Are you sure tonight is a danger night?”). If they’re writing Sherlock as a true addict, then yes, that works.

But I’d like to think something more interesting might be happening in s3. Just after HLV aired I wrote about the drug-test scene. I’ve thought more about it since, especially as I’ve come to understand how s3 puts pressure on Sherlock’s self-definition as a thinking machine. Drugs are proof that mind and body are never separate, because in chemically affecting the brain they bodily affect thought. I think they have an important place in this season because the whole thing’s about Sherlock coming to terms with body and society, the fact that he’s embodied and capable of love, that he can’t extricate himself from his body or his relations to other people. Rather than isolating him, the incidents with drugs bring him physically closer to others: the slap in the face from Molly, the touch in drunken intimacy with John. The season is asking, can this man who’s all mind, pure logic, exist in a vulnerable body? (He begins under torture, he ends as a weeping child.) The drugs motif helps show that deduction happens not in the CGI ether but in the body-mind: not even Sherlock thinks outside the flesh.