the night of writing dangerously

You broke my heart
but it doesn’t feel like heart break.
I drive a little faster, I cross the street without looking, I smoke an extra cigarette for each time I usually smoke one. I take my walks late at night instead of the safer afternoon. I go outside while my hair is still wet. I take two extra sleeping pills than I should.
I’ve become reckless.
Maybe you didn’t break my heart.
Maybe you just broke my way of living.
—  S.A

anonymous asked:

Prompt 11 + Kastle (with frank as the drunk one just to mix it up 😉)

11. things you said when you were drunk

Karen starts keeping a ready stock of beers in her fridge at some point. Dark brews, because neither of them could give much of a care for particular brands but his one stipulation when she asked the first time they met up at a bar to trade information was, simply, “none of that lite shit.” It made her laugh. He gave her a look that was, for the moment, entirely forgetful of the rest of the world.

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Miracles Take Time part two

John sat and stared blankly at the computer screen, completely at a lost as to what to do. It had been almost two weeks since he had found the note on his refrigerator, two nightmarish weeks.

At first he had been overflowing with elation knowing that somewhere Sherlock was alive. The flat that so recently seemed to be a tomb was again full of light and promise now that Sherlock was not gone forever.  For almost a day he had been so filled with relief and joy that he couldn’t help but burst into fits of giggles, he knew it had worried Mrs Hudson no end. She had been up twice with tea despite it being a bad day for her hip, fussing and assuring him that everyone grieved in their own way and their own time. Only knowing that she would likely think he had gone completely around the bend  had stopped him from hugging the smaller woman and whispering in her ear that Sherlock would be back.

But as the first rush of happiness faded uncomfortable questions began to grow in his mind. When would Sherlock be back? Where was he now? What was he doing that required him to be dead? Knowing the man as he did John was sure that whatever he was doing it was likely very clever and stupidly dangerous. He would be out there all alone too, without John’s gun to back him up or John to remind him that however boring eating was still necessary or even to play Cludeo with him on danger nights. Sure Sherlock had been alive to write him that note but would he stay that way through whatever he was doing? And if he did really die would John ever know or would he just be left to forever wait for a friend who would never come back. Was Sherlock even now in trouble somewhere? Was he dead?

Slowly the uncertainty ate away at any joy he had found in the knowledge of Sherlock’s continued life.

He couldn’t sleep, had no interest in food, and took to pacing the floor of the sitting room as agitated as Sherlock had ever been in one of his strops imagining all the horrors his friend could be facing and all the fates he could meet and feeling his own powerlessness.

In a very real way it was worse than when he had thought Sherlock dead. For all his guilt over his failure to stop Sherlock from committing suicide and his despair at the empty life that stretched out all around him at least it had been over. The tragedy had happened and left John with the ability to pick up the pieces or not as he chose. Now though the game was on somewhere and all John could do was sit on his hands here at home unable to help. It was maddening.

That is why he sat now, his laptop at the ready, determined to find his friend where ever he was and go save the bloody git from himself. Unfortunately he had no idea how to get started.

He had thought about asking Mycroft point-blank but in the end he had reasoned that if Mycroft had known all along that Sherlock wasn’t dead he would continue to lie to John about it. If he didn’t know and could use his power and place to find Sherlock he probably wouldn’t share any information with John. Besides John wasn’t at all sure he would help his brother, not after the way he had been willing to sell Sherlock out to Moriarty.

The cursor blinking away in his browser bar seemed to be mocking his lack of technical proficiency. Tentatively he typed, “Sherlock Holmes death,” pulling up untold pages of results. Most were news articles, some reputable some from tabloid rags, about the death and the scandal leading up to it. In the weeks after his death John had positively avoided the news, unable to  listen to them dragging Sherlock’s name so gleefully through the mud. Now he wondered if somewhere in all that shite there would be a hint to lead him to where his friend had gone but the number of articles was overwhelming.

The sound of his phone receiving a text broke his concentration. Quietly he cursed whatever well-meaning person who was just checking in on him the text would surely be from, as if it was their fault he didn’t know where to start. Expecting to see Harry or even Ella’s name he was surprised to find the text was from an unknown number. Sliding his finger across the screen to unlock the phone he pulled up the message:

Stop looking for me, it will only make other people look as well.

A hot flare of guilt churned inside John at the terse words. In his own anxiety he had never stop to consider that people might be watching him, never thought that his need to help Sherlock might actually put him more at risk. He was embarrassed to realize that he had never tried to put himself in Sherlock’s shoes enough to wonder if he had a reason to let John believe that he was dead. If he had wanted John to come along he would had made it happen and if John respected his friend he would have to respect his choices too.

He took a deep steadying breath, then deleted the text and cleared his browser history.

John was a soldier and soldiers knew how to live from day to day, how to block out the uncertainty of a dangerous future. It was a lesson he would have to remember.

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“We’re gonna die. You know that, right?” Ghoul’s voice was low, quiet. He wrung his hands together and stared at nothing.

Poison clenched his hands against the wheel until his knuckles turned white. He kept his eyes on the road and didn’t glance at Ghoul for even a second. “Yeah.”

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[esquire - november ‘15 issue] interview with jonghyun
translation by: thatcoolcatmeow
(the translator asks that you please do not translate to other languages.)

esquire: all of the the staff (that) you worked with today for the photoshoot were all new faces to you because i arranged the casting. i was really surprised. i thought you would only work with staff that were in charge.
jonghyun: i think the main agent is not me; it’s just that the subject of the photoshoot happens to be me.

esquire: you are not the main agent?
jonghyun: no, it’s not my album.

esquire: ah …
jonghyun: i’m kidding. photoshoots are a visual thing and it’s not my professional area. i tend to trust the staff and go along with them. i’m sure reporter-nim selected talented people.

esquire: your new collection album, story. op 1, has been released.
jonghyun: i have put the songs that i’ve released on a radio show that i host, blue night. perhaps because i participated in (the) composing and the writing of the tracks…, i think it strongly shows off my personal taste. i planned tehe direction of the rearrangements, chose the order of the songs after deciding the tracklist, and observed the process when (all of the) musicians were recording. there was no part (of the process) that has not received my personal touch.

esquire: your album promotion is unusual. you held guerilla concerts rather than going on music shows.
jonghyun: i made new attempts in terms of music with this album so i wanted the promotion to be original, too. busking allows singers to communicate closely with the audience and it was the kind of performance i’ve been wanting to do for a long time. since i had to consider the safety of the fans (though), i can’t say it was entirely busking (though) and i had to carry (it) out more as a form of guerilla concerts.

esquire: your have been meeting with your fans through your solo concert, the story by jonghyun, during october. i heard you also participated in the planning and the direction of the stage. did you have a particular course of direction you wanted to lead (in)?
jonghyun: interaction. that’s why the concert is named “story” too. the story by jonghyun is incomplete when it’s on it’s own. it needed to be completed with the audience. there are actually parts that can only be finished with the participation of the audience.

esquire: it’s a stage where you exchange with the audience, then?
jonghyun: people who have watched the concert (have) told me: “thank you for letting me listen to your story.” i don’t think it was a story of my own (though); it was a story of us.

esquire: after releasing the album you also debuted as an author, publishing the novel, skeleton flower: things that have been set free. how was writing (a novel)? is it a different work from writing lyrics?
jonghyun: it seemed very different? rather than thinking that “i’m going to write a novel”, i started as wanting to suggest a different way of enjoying music. my ambition was grandoise.

esquire: enjoying music through a book?
jonghyun: in the novel the lyrics of the twelve songs i made are put here and there. if the lyrics come out while reading the book, have a listen to that song. it might sound new even if you already knew the song.

esquire: so, you can listen to music while reading a story. how did you come up with this idea?
jonghyun: music has a wonderful power. it allows one to explode with imagination. it makes on to imagine: “what was the situation that made the singer sing this song?, what happens afterwards?” i know this can be a little mean, but i wanted to own that imagination. as a person who created that song i wanted to tell people what happened before and after that song directly through the novel.

esquire: what is it about?
jonghyun: it’s about a break up. they say your first work becomes very autobiographical, and i think it really is looking back after it has been completed. the main male character, who’s an author, has a lot of emotional ups and downs. the female character, who’s a reporter, is tired of the same every day routine but is trying to be hardwording resembles me. the dj portrays the social role that i have which is obsertved from the perspective of someone from the outside. lastly, the female junior collegue character portrays someone who comforts people without saying words which is the kind of person i wish to be. i tried to depict every day lives of ordinary people rather than ones who seem extraordinary.

esquire: i think it’s not ordinary, starting off with the role of the author.
jonghyun: i think the standard is very vague. there’s definitely a side of me who meets someone ordinarily, falls in love, breaks up, experiences a hard time, and is trying to overcome that hard time. there may be variations in the intensity of the ups and downs, but i think that the feelings we experience are all the same.

esquire: then you must find inspirations in your every day life while writing music, too.
jonghyun: i tend to take a lot of notes when making discoveries in daily life. i will tell you a memo that i took yesterday. [on jonghyun’s mobile phone it was written: “nights are (more) dangerous than alcohol. you are (more) dangerous than the night.”] just like this, i write something short. i thought of this suddenly one night. you tend to get emotional when you’re drinking. it goes up and down like this, but i become more emotional in meeting the night than during drinking. when i discover something like this i express it metaphorically or poetically and unravel that into music. it’s really nothing.

esquire: that’s how you complete your song. shall we talk about your radio now? anyone who has listened to your radio at least once will know that you have a strong attachment to your radio show.
jonghyun: it’s fun.

esquire: perhaps you might earn more moeny if you invest that time on something else?
jonghyun: (laughs) i earn enough from other things. i’m not doing it for profit reasons.

esquire: then what do you earn instead?
jonghyun: interaction. it’s a medium of intimacy. it feels like we’re talking right next to each other, and i can meet people that i don’t know (personally). ah, i’m not talking about the guys. i’m talking about the listeners. since i have a whole two hours to myself i can share from trivial to complicated stories.

esquire: how many stories do you receive?
jonghyun: i receive four hundred at mimimum and two thousand at maximum each day.

esquire: you wouldn’t be able to read them all, then. do you only read the ones that are selected by the radio script writer?
jonghyun: no, i read them. all of them. i check them in realtime through the monitor installed in the radio booth, and also read stories when the advertisements are being aired. i receive an amount that i can read (through) all of them.

esquire: what are the stories mainly about?
jonghyun: since the time of radio is at night i usually receive stories like: “i’m tired”, “it’s hard” or “my day has been like this”, and such.

esquire: don’t you feel worn out when reading stories about how tired they are (though)?
jonghyun: i’m a person who can keep a good pace, so i don’t feel like that.

esquire: you comforted people saying it’s okay not to be okay. i think you’re an expert in comforting people. where did you learn this?
jonghyun: there’s no place to learn something like this. (laughs) i think i’m a warm hearted person then…, um…, i think if you have the will to really listen to someone’s story, worry about them and want to comfort them…, i think your heart will be delivered.

esquire: is there a virtue a good dj should possess?
jonghyun: this is something i talked about during my radio last night. i think trying to sound happy when you’re actually not is not a good attitude to have as a dj. i think you should be able to say that you’re sad when you’re sad and say that you’re having a hard time when you’re having a hard time. it might not be a good attitude for a star to have but a dj is someone who shares stories with the listeners so i think, as the listeners are showing their true feelings (to me), i shouldn’t be hiding mine. this way i won’t act cowardly.

esquire: what do you do when you take a rest?
jonghyun: i haven’t been able to take a rest. i don’t want to take a rest either. i like to work…, no, i’m person with a compulsive need to work. i feel like i’m worthless if i don’t do anything.

esquire: i see that there really is a (type of) person who cannot take rests.
jonghyun: sometimes i think: “why can’t i take rest?” maybe it’s different from person to person. i don’t know what the right thing to do (is).

esquire: that’s contradictory from someone who sings: “you can take a rest putting everything aside for a day.
jonghyun: it’s something i tell to other people. it’s something like: “you can be that way although i cannot (be)”? i have wrote a lot of songs that comfort other people. they weren’t (written) for me though.

esquire: what is a question (that) you ask most frequently to yourself?
jonghyun: it’s not really a question. i frequently tell myself to be hoenst, because i’m not that honest (with myself) yet. but i want to be…, i don’t want to embellish myself. though it’s a lot for me to be that way right now…, but i’m sure someday i will be?

esquire: you might end up getting hurt or hurting someone else trying to be honest (though).
jonghyun: i will need to put an effort in dealing with getting hurt or hurting someone, but i think that’s also a sign of growing up. another erson on why ii want to be honest is that i want to become a young man / youth that i dream of.

esquire: what kind of young man?
jonghyun: a young man making contibution to society.

esquire: you’re a bright young man.
jonghyun: i’m a pessimist. a dreamer, but we need a lot of dreamers, to be honest.

esquire: i agree that you’re a dreamer, but a pessimist…, why? i think you are a person in possession of many things. you receive a lot of love and are financially affluent.
jonghyun: pessimism, according to the definition of a dictionary, (is where a person) perceives the world or life as misery and becomes disillusioned to the point of living in hopelessness. i’m not like that to that extent, but i think we need to be aware of the negative sides of the world as well as the beautiful and happy ones. i want to be a person who can bring a positive change from that. it’s not something entirely negative.

esquire: why do you want to change the world that much?
jonghyun: i feel like i have been rejected when justice gets denied. although the world isn’t going to change with me alone i think it’s necessary to have a (sense of) direction and strive forward in the right way.

esquire: what is the world that jonghyun dreams of?
jonghyun: a society where everyone is equal so that it’s a peaceful world.

I crave the feeling of your lips on my skin and the way my neck burned at the soft scratch of your teeth. You were danger and mystery, and I was hopelessly in love with you.
—  R.G. // excerpt from a book i’ll never write #64 (via indielove-writings)