I admit that my entire schooling experience is disappointing. By end of every academic year, I always find myself forcing to make a promise to do better ‘next year’. When I graduated from elementary school I said, “Well fuck it guess I’d have to do better in high school.” I finished high school and none of the promises I made happened, and I just ended up making and breaking the same promise as I went through college.
One thing I have been carrying as a personal burden all these years is living up to people’s expectations. I come from a family of a really learned bunch, so as a child I was taught that doing well in school is something that’s naturally expected of me. For years, I played along, because it seemed to me that I understood. While my siblings reaped awards and snatched medals and got to be, academically, the ‘mostest’, eyes were quick to turn my way—is he going to turn out as accomplished? Maybe even more?
But I turned out to be a whole lot of different case. Well, not so much, since I have managed to bring into the family’s name a fair share of awards, too, as how my siblings did. Then again they are not as grand. Most of my siblings brought home firsts, and usually, I brought home fifths. They graduated as salutatorians, and I only ranked fifth in my graduating class. They all received Latin honors as college graduates—I’m about to receive nothing but my diploma. I’m still different. At least, that’s what it really feels like.
Last night, my mom made it seem like it is so insignificant, winning best thesis if there are a lot of students who received the same award in other categories, too. Now I’m not sure if I can ever be as proud of the seemingly only relevant award I have yet to receive. Also, awhile ago my sister said I was dumb not to have my grade on one subject ‘fixed’ just so I can qualify as a cum laude. I got so mad that I started making this entry. Bullshit.
It’s depressing. Not only have I been battling with a lot of insecurities for years now—people’s expectations also put this weight on me that I can’t seem to get rid of. Or, even get used to. People need to know what it feels like coming from a place of comparison. And how it makes me a more troubled person every time I realize I didn’t do good enough for other people’s liking.