many highlights from The Eleventh Hour from a first-time TAZ listener
featuring bits from Lunar Interlude III: Rest and Relaxation
oh god is this lunar interlude a goddamn ASMR experience
are carey fangbattle and killian dating?
i’m almost 100% sure griffin said “fisticups” instead of “fisticuffs”
griffin: “okay, you spend the next few weeks learning from carey” oh, okay griffin, i see, we’re taking the LAZINESS route on this campaign now. maybe there were some good snorlaxes to catch on that route or something, but now we’ll never know!
a semi-incomplete list of words that griffin has made up during TAZ: “cruft, geezers creezers, and scrumbled” except scrumbled was stolen from justin
my first thought when i realized taako and sweet ango were going to be spending this interlude together was “oh no taako is about to just bully the goddamn earwax out of sweet ango”
I JUST REALIZED ANGUS MACDONALD IS 10 GODDAMN YEARS OLD. where are his parents??? he had a grandpa who died, right? who’s taking care of him? did lucretia kidnap him to illegally “employ” THIS LITERAL CHILD at the bureau of balance??
WAIT IS LUCRETIA HIS MOM?
taako just called sweet ango “agnes”
THE UMBRA STAFF JUST TOOK CONTROL AND BLASTED “LUP” INTO THE WALL AND IM LIKE LUP!!!! ITS LUP!!!
the Hole-Thrower is a goddamn genius object but i wish it wasn’t just for “non-magical, non-living” things bc i wanna see taako throw a hole into an enemy
magnus: “i want a black mastiff” griffin: “but you know, theres’s no dogs on the moon!”
the grubby grifters went over budget at the fantasy costco and griffin’s voice like animorph-style changed into garfield the deals asshole‘s voice and im like. uncomfortable
travis: “i’m now a level 8 fighter and a level 2 rogue” “which i think makes sense for magnus bc you’re a protecting guardian but you’re also kinda a nasty boy on that battlefield”
the grubby grifters are the only bureau employees not to be super choked up about boyland’s death and im like “hey maybe you assholes shouldn’t have tried to desecrate his crystalized corpse”
WIVES AND HUSBANDS AND STUFF
if the voidfish is either nice or neutral, then it singing to magus is adorable
if the voidfish turns out to be evil, then it singing to magnus is super super ominous
the director: “avi had to miss boyland’s rites of remembrance” merle: “i didn’t know that was an option"
names suggested for the woven gulch before griffin decided that: dry bones, gucci gulch, the taint, the devil’s taint, ravine, gulch, the blasted lands, the not-blasted lands, the flavor-blasted lands, the grandd canyon (not a typo), the taco bell grande canyon, the arid waste, tattoine
all the grubby grifters: “SUMMER LOOKS! SUMMER LOOKS! SUMMER LOOKS!”
taako: “thanks garfield, can we leave now?” “I WISH YOU WOULD”
sweet ango has to launch the grubby grifters down to the woven gulch and he’s so terrified and im like ango, they should be more nervous, they’re yOUR BULLIES!!
magnus: “we don’t have to mean EVERY time!” okay, magnus, that’s rich coming from you, seeing as you’ve been the worst to angus
travis: “you as the DM didn’t remind your players” griffin: “oh i didn’t know this was a baby game for CHILDREN”
magnus: “what it we just didn’t attack them this round and just saw what they did?” merle: “WHO ARE YOU??”
griffin: “it’s kind of rustic” magnus: “FINALLY, MY RUSTIC FOLK HERO THING WILL WORK AND PEOPLE WILL LIKE ME!!!”
“by their sacrifice, our home is made safe” WHAT THE FUCK!
griffin: “where the robe it, it has been stained or oxidized, turning it a bright crimson red" “oh…..like…the bad guys…” YALL THAT’S SO. THAT’S SOME SHIT. THAT’S SOME MYSTERIOUS SHIT
taako: “okay, cool, I’m not into labels either” yooooooo
i googled the map griffin made for the town of Refuge and hot damn, that’s a well made map
magnus: “i rolled a 10 [on a perception check]” griffin: “you’re in a prison cell with bars on it” merle: “i rolled a 1″ griffin: “you are in a cube shaped place”
griffin: “and then all three of you, have died” WHAT IN THE FUCK????? WHAT THE HELL??? WHAT????
THE SET UP OF THIS ARC IS BOMB AS HELLLLLLLLLLLLL
the fact that paloma sounds like bjork tells me that griffin is just straight up running out of different accents
[merle continues to sing to the tune of book of mormon] travis: “clinton. you just got clocked by a shovel”
justin: “i’m gonna delete the video i was making about how to do an infinite diamond glitch in the adventure zone”
griffin: “there are many rocks piled up” justin: “mini rocks are actually called pebbles, griffin”
griffy set up this quarry locker room tripwire puzzle exactly like a fucking game of hangman! the most deadly game of hangman ever
griffin: “lemme just say that diamonds are the currency of this town. you wouldn’t go to the US treasury to get dollars fresh from the printing press” justin: “what, you want me to get a part time job??” griffin: “i wouldn’t hate it”
griffin: “i just agreed to what dad said without really processing what it was that he said, and what he said was the name "bjork” as bork” clint: “you gotta watch that shit, griffin” griffin: “i was almost an accomplice to that heinous act”
the grubby grifters just unquestioningly trust paloma the bjork witch without any sort of investigation checks or ANYTHING and im like what if she’s evil, my dudes. what if she’s leading you astray
griffin: “the human spell library, clint mcelroy”
griffin: “if you can just instantly bring back any dead person to life, it may reduce the narrative stakes of the adventure zone podcast A BIT!” AH SHIT SON!!
magnus: “im gonna….cut his arm off” griffin: “OH MY GOD!! YOU LOVE THIS SHIT! YOU’RE A PERVERT! YOU’RE EXPOSING EVERYONE TO YOUR FETISH!!”
istus is cool and awesome and she knits but all this shit she’s talking about it is just context-less gibberish
“you’re going to be amazing” AT WHAT, MOTHERFUCKER? YOU’RE COOL AND YOU HANDED OUT BOMB ASS GIFTS BUT WHAT THE SHIT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??
hot damn yall. this time chalice is trying to PERSUADE the grubby grifters and my evil bullshit meter thinks this is SUPER HELLA SUSPENSEFUL
AW SHIT! BACKSTORIES!
damn this chalice is so tempting. i can’t even imagine
these backstories are heartbreaking. im blown away by the way the mcelroys have crafted this part of the story, and so so sad. especially about magnus
“its not what julia would want” travis stop making me feel these things
magnus: “noelle ended up with a new shiny robot body!” taako: “an unkillable robot! I’d call that an upgrade!”
oh no the chalice is forcing them to watch the destruction of phandolin, what an asshole
magnus: “i’m gonna throw a whole bunch of robot arms into him” griffin: “okay, so you just have a hefty bag full of roboid arms??”
merle: “we owe a big one to penumbra" magnus: “paloma”
magnus: “we gotta jump” roswell: “this is a shitty shitty shit shit plan, i hope you know that” i love roswell’s instinctive reaction when presented with a dumb idea, which is to respond with pure immediate honesty and tell the grubby grifters that their ideas are dumb as hell
this worm fight is bizarre as fuck, what the fuck are they even DOING???
aw the weird worm just wanted to escape the bubble so it could get back to its babies! that’s…almost adorable. if it wasn’t a giant fucking worm
oh good. the red robe is back. cool cool cool cool cool
magnus: “you’re proud of us? what? you’re a red robe, you’re one of the bad guys?” the red robe: “who told you that?”
GRIFFIN JUST CALLED IT A LICH!!!!!
the red robe said “lup, they don’t trust me. lup i can’t do it anymore” and “the next time we meet, i’ll need you to trust me completely. the hunger is almost here, and all this could be lost” YALLL IM CONFUSED ASSSS FFFUCKKKK BUT IM SO EXCITED ABOUT WHOEVER THE FUCK THIS PARSELTONGUE MOTHERFUCKER IS!!
well taako got a prophecy saying he would one day get power from “the man wreathed in flames” so like im pretty goddamn sure the parseltongue motherfucker is barry bluejeans. there’s a lich around, barry got blasted to hell by gundren rockseeker, and the red robe wants the grubby grifters to trust him, so like 2+2+2 probably equals barry fucking bluejeans here
the fact that they got to watch over the town of refuge for 7 years was soooooo sweet!!!!
hot damn the red robe’s been protecting magnus this whole time???
travis asking istus why there’s long gaps in their memories like hey trav griffy doesn’t want you or me or anyone else to know yet, but good try!
magnus: “if you get bored, there’s this half-moon thing in the sky, you can come hang out with us” taako: “yeah most birds can fly to the MOON!”
kravitz!!! anytime kravitz shows back up is a GOOD GODDAMN TIME!! because i love kravitz
the red robe in the statue in Refuse HAS MAGNUS’S FACE!!!
i have literal goddamn chills. that is so good
this was a very odd meandering arc and i didn’t know what the hell was going on half the time but it was super super super enjoyable and some of the plot shit got me HYPED AS HELL
thinking about that Solas-Sera banter where Solas is like “our elven people fought and died here….” and Sera tries to get Solas’ goat like “Ew, we’re stepping on dead elves, gross,” and he snaps in elven, “You wanna be dead like our people? we can make that happen!” in like the most deadly scary voice he uses in the entire game.
Solas: “Our people used to be here.” Sera: “Pfft, you say that everywhere.” Solas: “It is more true than you want to believe.” Sera: “I bet, right? Who wants to think about stepping on dead elves.” Solas: “Din elvhen emma him?” Sera: “Oh, you felt that one.”
Solas says “Din elvhen emma him?” WITH SUCH A DEADLY VOICE. It means something like “Our people are dead, do you want to be dead too?” (lit. “Dead our people, your become?”)
Like… Sera tries to get his goat SO much in this game, and the only time she really succeeds is by making Dead Elf Jokes. Everything is so hurtful and nothing is good or fine.
The ballot is here. ^^ The reading period lasts until April 8th. After this, there’s a two-week voting period (I will post a link to the voting page then) which you can technically use for reading as well. Because - let’s just face it - there are a LOT of AWESOME stories to read! Better get started. ;)
(For more info on the competition, please look here.)
Best Action/Adventure Beacon in the Darkness by servantofclio Brain Trust: Close Encounters by FantasiaWandering Chewing on Glass by demonsweat Click by Ponaco Executor by Danzinora Switch Forever On A Winter’s Eve by Novus Ordo Seclorum Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil by PurpleForDonnie Irma Meets the Turtles by MayDayGirl-Save-Our-Ships My Little Girl by BelatedBeliever1127 Normalcy Is Overrated by Kmb515 Red in the Silver Lining by MissMoMo1990 Rend and Forswear by Taryn Streambattle Slant, Slip, Slope by theherocomplex Taken by the Storm by WarpFly The Smell of Apples by Simone Robinson Turning Point by Adoradork
For real though can we talk about Alternian gender roles? Can we talk about how most of the female trolls are rough and like to play actually deadly games and are very violent people? And how most of the male trolls -AREN’T-??
Imagine this: in Alternian society, violence and aggression are feminine traits, while passiveness and quietness are masculine traits! Completely flipped from Western human society! This set of gender roles, while still having skirts be traditionally feminine attire.
I’m gonna leave clothing alone, because wow unnecessarily gendered bits of fabric wtf.
But just on gender roles, Aradia would be kind of a tomboy, Vriska would be an extremely feminine person, Tavros would be almost stereotypically masculine, and Eridan would most definitely be feminine.
Imagine that within troll society, Eridan is already seen as inherently feminine.
Allow me to back this up with some stuff. Karkat discourages Tavros from FLARPing with Aradia, Vriska, and Terezi because it’s a game for girls, much the same way a human girl would be discouraged from rough housing with boys because it’s a thing for boys, aka -dangerous-. Taken to a whole new level of being deadly because trolls. Equius seems to have quite a bit of shame around his strength (and yes I get that being shamed is a kink for him but still), and actively tries to avoid being violent when he can.
My point being that troll gender roles and expectations are flipped turnways from human gender roles and expectations and that we should respect a society that is not our own for what it is, even if it’s fictional, and that, given Alternia even has a concept of transgender, Eridan is probably not cis.
Even though it’s a day late and a ton of our followers aren’t American, I just wanted to take a minute and thank you all for making BuzzFeed awesome. We wouldn’t be anywhere without the people who read and contribute to our site. Y'all are the best.
The Tomb Raider series lead us to expect that in every game we’d accompany Lara Croft on a unusual journey to a new corner of the planet, often unseen in previous games. In Rise of the Tomb Raider, Miss Croft will for the first time visit Siberia and Syria, and we’ll see how dangerous these two completely different locations can be. And by dangerous, I don’t just mean hordes of deadly mercenaries sent by a mysterious organization Trinity. No, the most deadly element of the newest game - one that can kill Lara at any moment – will be nature, both animate and inanimate.