the most damaged people

The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile are the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do.
—  Anonymous

“The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do.”

Abusers can’t change for one big obvious reason: they would have to experience guilt in order to change. they would have to actually go through the pain of acknowledging that they’ve caused mountains of suffering and pain to others, that they’ve been selfish, lying, manipulative, cruel, despicable, sadistic, monstrous and horrible human being, that they’ve destroyed the ones who loved them the most, they’ve exploited and damaged the most vulnerable and defenseless people in their life, they’ve taken choice and well being from fellow human beings who did nothing to deserve it, and then on top of it they convinced those humans they did deserve it, and invalidated them on top of that so they would carry the pain of guilt as well.

Abusers will do literally anything to avoid carrying this heavy burden of guilt and shame, they don’t see anything they could gain from admitting fault and taking responsibility for their actions, they prefer having the victims carry that burden for them, because abusers are weak, they couldn’t even carry a burden they themselves created.

If abuser can’t even admit to him/herself they’ve done something wrong, if they refuse to experience guilt and insist they’ve been right and only pretend-apologize when it’s necessary to regain control of the victims, they have no way of changing. If they don’t truly feel remorse they will repeat the actions. Why wouldn’t they? They benefit from it! Changing, for them would mean giving up everything they’ve gained in their entire life, admitting it wasn’t theirs to gain in the first place, feeling the worst shame, guilt and remorse they could imagine, giving up any future benefits and having to change their life completely in hope of making up at least slightly for what they did,  even as they have no way of making up for it all. They would have to submit themselves to a life of pain, regret, self hatred, guilt and shame, all of which they caused by themselves. What abuser would ever submit to this? And for what reasons. To gain humanity? They already believe themselves to be above humans. To keep in good relations with their loved ones? They already proved they could completely destroy their loved ones without giving a shit and gain a lot in return, there never was any real relations with their “loved ones” they never even truly got to know those people, only the ways to control and harm them. 

An abuser will never ever allow him/herself to experience guilt and responsibility for their actions, they may act it out for a bit in order to get what they want but you can count on them to go back to their old ways because they don’t change. An abuser would only change thru the extreme pain of remorse and they will refuse to go thru with it, because all their lives they’ve been running away from pain, and they see no gain in experiencing any of it. And they are weak, they can’t even handle pain, unlike their victims, the burden would most likely crush them to death. They’re a person living off of sucking the life out of others, incapable of humanity, incapable of change, incapable of love, incapable of anything but demanding more and more and never having enough, and this is not something that can change or be reversed anymore. There’s nothing valuable in them anymore, they’re just an empty shell filled with knives, who paint themselves with kindness to lure as many people as possible to cut themselves.

Cancer - Unraveling the Cosmic Cradle 

The sign of Cancer is emotionally responsive, withdrawing, and self preserving. The individual’s hyper vigilant defenses mean it can be exceedingly hard to crack the Cancer shell and gain access to the inner wonderland. The individual is acutely concerned with security and protecting himself and loved ones from harm. Those he is not familiar with are seen as threatening and shadowy. The world can become too scary and unsafe to the Cancerian, and he can retreat away into the safety of solitude for long periods of time. Although he gives the impression of being open and welcoming, the individual fiercely guards his privacy, heartstrings, and secrets. Swinging from the craters of the moon, a million miles away from people and the prospect of danger is the Cancer’s favorite hiding spot.

To ride the internal dreamboat that awaits within the Cancerian is no easy task. Open wounds are haunting, and the pain of past hurts engraves in his fibres. The individual must sense an island of safety and peace from people before he feels comfortable opening up. It is important for prospective partners and friends to commit themselves long term and resist threats of abandonment and humiliation. The individual routinely psychologically examines his company, and follows his defensive gut instinct on the calibre of surrounding people. He fears he will be toyed with, abused, embarrassed, and heartbroken. His need for security and stability is so pronounced that he will eschew connecting with people that will overturn his sense of balance. Like a developing baby, there is the fear of stranger danger and unfamiliar faces. He builds homes inside people, and doesn’t need these to be torched and trashed. His trust is locked away, and he rarely gives anyone the key. The residual needs from childhood stay present late into life, and the anxiety of being neglected and forgotten long remains.

Insecurities insulate his course shell, and the Cancer person knows attachment can lead to pain. Because he holds onto every emotion, euphoria, hurt, feeling, and sentiment with claw marks, his inner threads are ripped apart when somebody leaves, uproots his life, or betrays his trust. The deep horror of being exposed and damaged is traumatic and reinforces his belief that most people  are capable of tremendous harm. He can release his guard when he meets those who share his receptive empathy, respect his need for alone time, and understand his confusing dynamics. The Cancer person is known to be furiously protective of his loved ones and children, and he is equally defensive when it comes to shielding his own inner child.


picture by Manuel Rodriguez Sanchez

While we’re talking about abusive RPers...

…don’t forget that some of the flags of an abusive roleplayer are identical to the ones for abusive RL relationships.

The Idolize > Isolate > Devalue > Discard cycle that we see in a lot of abusive RL relationships is actually creepily common online and devastating to the victim, despite the lack of physical damage in most cases (I say “most” because I have seen people driven to self-harm or suicide attempts by online abuse of this type).

Idolize: the abuser is desperate to roleplay with the target. They lavish them with attention, gifts, plots, writing, and/or art. The abuser will do anything to become the target’s new best friend.  Some abusers will become irrationally angry if rejected at this stage and transition into stalking and/or harassment.

Isolate: the abuser begins peeling the target away from any existing friends or RP partners. They’ll attempt to occupy all their online time and suggest they do a lot of one-on-one roleplay in private with them. When in multi-person scenes, they will deliberately alienate the target’s other friends either by acting out, attacking them, or intentionally making RP awkward or impossible for everyone but their target. Gaslighting starts. They may complain the target’s friends are “mean” or “jealous” and attempt to instigate arguments where the target will feel the need to defend them and further alienate their friends. Lavishing with gifts continues in this phase.

Devalue: when their target is cut off from everyone else, the honeymoon ends. Gaslighting ramps up massively. They still want to roleplay with the target, but the target suddenly can’t seem to do anything right.  The target’s self-esteem is systematically degraded. Plots revolve increasingly around the abuser’s character with the target’s being an expendable, breakable prop. They attempt to push their target into roleplay they don’t enjoy or are actively afraid of, and respond to objections or refusals with manipulative behavior like crying, insults, or threatening abandonment.  In extreme cases, the abuser may feign self-harm or suicidal impulses and present them to the target as the target’s fault, i.e. “LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO.”  Gifts only come as “makeup” presents after a fight and are generally presented in public so that all seems well to anyone not involved. They are now the target’s only major roleplay partner and use that as a weapon. 

Discard: the abuser finds a new idol. Gaslighting hits maximum, convincing the target that they’re the reason the abuser doesn’t want to play with them anymore and that no one will ever want to play with them. Finally, they drop their current target and ignore them or harass them, often resorting to scorched-earth tactics and spreading rumors to make sure their victim has difficulty reconnecting with others. The target and their character are usually badly damaged, possibly irreparably.

Abusive roleplayers like this usually leave a trail of shattered guilds and broken people behind and often move games or servers when chasing a new target. Due to their habit of giving gifts in public and abusing in private, they may even have a good reputation in the community and staunch defenders (especially if they’re well-known for their writing, art, or crafts). 

In other words, good fucking luck catching them before they hurt someone.

Since this kind of abuse is hard to see from the inside until it’s already too late, the biggest thing you can do is watch out for your friends and guildies.  We’re all weirdos here, and we need to keep each other safe.  If you feel like somebody’s new RP partner is trying to separate them from their support system, don’t be afraid to speak up.  I don’t care if they write like the next Hemingway or their art appears to have been shat right out of Da Vinci’s asshole, they don’t get a pass.

If you feel like or know that this type of abuse is happening to you, remember that no plot or friendship is worth your mental health.  Walk away if you can, get someone you trust to help you if you can’t (yes, even the old friends you told to fuck off and leave you alone - they probably have a strong suspicion of why).  Take screenshots or chatlogs so you have some defense against gaslighting or malicious rumors.  You’re not alone, no matter what they tell you.

The truth is the world is wrong,
And society is turned upside down. And what you’ve been taught as a child is not always true.
Because human hearts hold more scars and damage than the skin ever could,
And brains and souls bury secrets unimaginable to any one else.
Because hospitals hold more Prayers than a church,
And more “I love you"s than any other place.
Because the darkest places can hold the most light,
And the ugliest and cruelest places can be the most beautiful.
Because the most damaged people can shine brighter than the happiest.
Because the world is not how you think it is, it’s not all smiles and its not the stereotypes we put on it,
It’s dark,
it’s powerful,
and it’s real.
—  A.P

jikook @ isac last year: hey everyone *blushes* we’re gay


Well lads, it’s been a while since I last wrote a Random Venezuelan Rant™, so lets correct that, shall we?

Today’s topic


Alright, a bit of a background, the city of Maracaibo, my home, has had, at least for the last 30 years or so, a massive water distribution problem, which is blamed more or less on an old, outdated and badly maintained water distribution infrastructure, limited capacity for water treatment, and unreliable sources of water, so by my estimates, at least half of the city doesn’t have access to constant running water, instead relying on water tankers to fill up rooftop and underground tanks.

Now, I say constant, because at random intervals, from days to weeks, water does arrive, and most people use those precious few hours of running water to fill their tanks, as said water tankers can be very expensive, specially during the drought season. 

My neighborhood is not exception to this, in fact, it’s infamous for how long water takes to get here, the longest time being 4 months, so my house came equipped with an underground tank with a capacity of some 15,000 liters or 4,000 US gallons, alongside a water pump and “lung” to keep the pressure steady within the house.

Our water tank and auxiliary water “pipe”, which is basically a second connection to the main pipe we made ourselves in desperation during the 4-moth drought, it looks like shit I know, but hey, it works! 

Our water pump and pressure system, please ignore the leaky valve.

And the thing is, the infrastructure is so damaged, we know water is arriving because the streets get flooded, as many pipes are broken and no one ever bothers to fix them, but to be fair most damage comes from the people themselves, doing what we did just to get a bit more water from the mains.

The funny thing is, water has been arriving with increasing regularity lately, which should be a great thing! But since this is Venezuela, the weirdness doesn’t never stops, as those leaky pipes have been keeping varios streets constantly flooded, leading to deteriorated asphalt, many houses with water damaged, and extreme proliferation of flies and mosquitoes, which has always been a problem as bug spray has been very scarce for the last 4 years, so rather that being a blessing, it’s becoming a nuisance, quite the ironic predicament. 

There’s a big-ass pothole hidden under the water in the last pic, I blew a tire on it three weeks ago. 

Now, as you may have noticed, this all looks unsanitary as fuck, and well, it’s because it is! All this water is used for household cleaning, personal hygiene and cooking, but drinking it raw is a big no-no, forcing people to rely on watercoolers/bottled water for that, many also using that water for cooking as well, as even boiling it is not recommended.

We cook with ours because fuck it, we’re used to it (and the diarrhea went away after the first month anyway).

It also used to give us, specially mom and me, skin rashes, but those went away with time as well, although I’ve heard that many prefer to bath their babies and toddlers with bottled water, as skin infections are very common among them because of it.  

So yeah, water is a big problem here, it has been for the longest time, and will be for God knows how long, but people get used to it, hell, I did, although every time I go back to Colombia, the first thing I do is drink water directly from the faucet, a commodity I sometimes miss, specially every time I have to drag around one of those big-ass water bottles to the kitchen. 

As far as I’m aware, this problem has become widespread in recent years, as overall there has been a massive deterioration of the Venezuelan infrastructure, but Maracaibo still is the worst example of this, the ridiculousness of this whole situation greatly increasing as for once, water is finally flowing.

This country is fucking ridiculous at times, but hey, it’s home! 

Spread Your Wings: The Words

Summary: Reader is a HYDRA experiment (like the Maximoffs, but not voluntary) who grows wings (like Angel from X-Men). She escapes (escape covered in Prologue) and is now trying to rescue and prevent further kidnappings and experiments.

Word Count: 1960

Warnings: Swearing,

A/N: Here it is. A very, very large THANK YOU to both @imhereforbvcky, and @writingwithadinosaur, for their general wonderfulness and amazing writing skills! I have tagged everyone who liked/reblogged/commented on the prologue, if you would like to be tagged, or untagged, just let me know! There’s a few POV changes here FYI

Originally posted by suzyhazelwood

“Barton” turned out to be Clint Barton, a sarcastic archer, who you decided quite quickly may be your new best friend.

You met him when Bruce Banner arrived and he and Tony took you down to the lab to start running scans on your head. Clint came in behind Wanda just as Bruce attached the last electrode to your head.

“I see you guys finally talked someone into getting your cerebral hair extentions,” he drawled as he passed behind Tony and clapped Bruce on the shoulder.

Wanda chuckled, as did you. Tony rolled his eyes but Bruce just smiled good-naturedly and introduced Clint to you before he explained what all the wires and sensors would be doing for the test.

“Basically they’re gonna fry your brain, kid,” Clint said from his position leaning back against a table with his arms crossed, legs crossed at the ankle.

“That’s assuming I have one left at all,” you replied. Clint laughed.

“Why are you even in here, Legolas? Don’t you have a secret family in the country to bother?” You cocked your head at Tony’s question; you knew there must have been a story there, you’d have to ask about it later.

“Natasha called me and asked me to come help out with the kid you found. As for me being here in the lab, I just wanna bug you, Tony.”

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a tip for trans allies

please keep on the lookout for posts talking about genitals, reproductive organs, etc, and make sure there’s as little gendered wording as possible in the ones you choose to reblog. specifically, i see a lot of posts about hysterectomies (and occasionally abortion as well) where the assumption is that uterus=woman so there are several instances where that gendered wording is used, which goes unchecked by most people who reblog. this can be damaging to and possibly trigger dysphoria for trans people all across the spectrum, because trans men like me and nonbinary people with uteruses (uteri?) don’t appreciate being called women, and trans women can feel as if they’re not being counted as real women. The opposite is true on several posts concerning “"male”“ reproductive organs as well.

so if you see a post about genitals or reproductive systems, do your trans followers a favor and check through it again to make sure they’re not equating these to a certain gender - and if they are, find a different version of the post or even correct them in the comments. It’s really, really appreciated.

it had been a long day, one of those days that seem to draw themselves out forever, the stream of clients in and out of the loft seeming never ending and the actual magical work he had to finish dragging on. minutes seemed like hours and every time he glanced at the clock it was once again far earlier than he wanted it to be. and this was for two reasons. more often than not magnus found his work invigorating, but there were always those days, cherry picked out of a thousand that spread themselves out resembling eternity, where he wasn’t in the mood. or at least he told himself that and was trying to pretend that the sole reason he wasn’t interested in work today was the huge glamoured book laid out on his coffee table, literally begging for his attention.

it was beautiful, underneath the glamour at least. most people would find a dusty old book with water damage on the spine and cobwebs crawling over the pages. it was a clever glamour that did no justice to its real form. the gilded gold that curled around the cover, the thick dark leather weathered only slightly and retaining an air of perfection. every detail was handcrafted and magnus alone knew just how old it was. but its beauty was nothing compared to the contents, spells and rituals that were embedded into the very pages, thrumming with a magic that pushed at his fingertips. that power alone made it coveted and finally, finally magnus had it in his hands, after he had only briefly gotten a look at it years ago.

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different // yoongi

word count // 7.4k

genre // fluff

summary //  in which tattooartist!yoongi meets floral!reader because he needs to practice drawing flowers for his job

a/n // so this was only supposed to be like 3k words??? but i got carried away.  anyways i hope you guys enjoy and the beginning starts out a little slow but i wanted to provide a little background (also theres a prompt for this somewhere on tumblr but i cant find it anymore)

Everything was familiar to you.  After spending your entire life stuck in the same city you born in, everything became routine.  From where you shopped to the people who passed you on the street, nothing in your life changed.  You smiled and greeted the same neighbours you had since you were little when they passed you on your way home from work.  You chatted your way through the same cashiers that were now much older who could remember you from when you couldn’t see above the cash register.  The same people always made your coffee, the same people always delivered the mail, and the same people always walked their dogs next to you while you rushed to get to work.  

You had grown accustomed to the familiarity.  How could you not?  It was comforting and allowed you to find peace in your life.  Nothing necessarily interesting popped out and surprised you at less than desirable moments.  Which is what you found happened when you were forced into family vacations to other cities, and sometimes even other countries.  The entire time you would spend moping around, uncomfortable and uneasy even when you were supposed to be having a fun time.  

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I really want to talk about the conclusion of the Lost Children arc, and Jill’s importance as a character.

One thing I see a lot of Berserk fans wish for is that the series could go back to the darker tones of arcs like Lost Children, the latter half of the Golden Age, and of course, the Black Swordsman arc. But the lighter mood is something that’s actually been developing since the manga’s beginning - it’s been gradual but it’s been consistent, and all the different characters Guts has encountered on his travels have been meeting better and kinder fates. Colette died horribly and had her corpse desecrated, then Vargas died cleanly and with hope of being avenged, then Theresia survived and carried physical and psychological scars as the price…and now Jill lives too; not undamaged, but she makes it out clean and strong and hopeful. And even though the Lost Children arc contains piles of dead children and shows Guts at one of his lowest points morally, this is the moment where the light breaks through at last.

And Jill is the character who brings this light into the story, and an incredible amount of hope too.

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