How to Get a Boyfriend in 10 Easy Steps: an Illustrated Guide, by Dean Winchester.
1. First of all, you’ve gotta acknowledge that you maybe, possibly might be into guys.
2. Now, I know what you’re thinking, but ask yourself: do you find yourself…checking out their assets more than other dudes might?
Getting *mildly nonplussed* (NOT flustered) when an attractive guy is around?
Maybe being a little…over infatuated with a childhood hero?
Then, I got news for you, my guy. You *might* be into dudes.
3. But, that’s totally okay! Because being attracted to, fantasizing about, or wanting to spend the rest of your life with another guy does NOT mean you aren’t straight.
4. Now that all that’s taken care of, you’re ready to start looking for the man of your dreams! (But definitely not “the one.” Only chicks say that.)
5. Now, of course, you gotta be prepared to eat a few frogs along the way: some guys who seem too good to be true, for example, might turn out to be flesh-eating monsters.
Or fictional characters.
Or who might just be playing with your frickin’ heart for no damn reason (DAMMIT, Aaron, I thought we had something special.)
5. And if that’s not bad enough, you might meet some really great guys who just wind up dead (or undead.)
6. But, with persistence, dedication, and maybe forty years in hell, and sooner or later, he’ll come along: the perfect, beautiful, multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent that you’ve been waiting for!
7. Now, aside from love at first sight and all that, it can be pretty tricky to figure out if this guy really IS the man of your dreams. But here are some handy tips to help you figure it out:
Does he have eyes like swimming pools that you just want to heterosexually drown in forever and ever?
Can he give you a platonic hard-on, even when he’s wearing fifteen layers of clothes?
Do you find yourself *subtly* checking him out, even when your in public?
Do you love him more than pie, classic rock, and life itself, and the thought of being without him makes you want to fling yourself off a cliff?
Then in that case, I got more news for you, my dude. I think you’ve found “the one.”
8. So, what’s next? Ask him out, confess your love, live a happy life together? Naw, bro. You’re a Man TM. And as a Man TM, your primary obligations in life are to repress your feelings and suffer.
9. So, sadly, the closest you guys can get to a healthy relationship is invading his space, taking obsessive interest in his sex life, and torturing each other.
10. And of course, the occasional burger date.
PRO TIP: any and all other “homosexual” activities DO NOT COUNT as long as you call him “bro” afterwards and/or nobody sees you.