the monster babysitter

this is the thing no one tells you about monsters
about real monsters
they don’t lurk in your closet
or hide under your bed
but they still manage to come out of the shadows when you least expect them to
they don’t live in darkness
they don’t thrive in the nighttime
real monsters walk around in broad daylight
unaffected by the burn of the sun
they don’t need to hide in the shadows
they stalk
and they prey
while it’s still light out
so they can see you better

no one tells you that real monsters don’t look like monsters
because their fangs are hidden behind soft smiles
and their claws are hidden behind warm touches
real monsters hide behind bright eyes
and dimples
and messy hair
real monsters look like the boy you’ve known since second grade
real monsters look like your neighbor who greets you on your way to school every morning
real monsters look like your babysitter
real monsters look like police officers
real monsters look like someone you should have been able to trust
they look like someone you did trust once
they look like someone who broke that trust the same way they broke you

real monsters will rip you to shreds with the same hand that once held yours
real monsters will smother you with the same arms that once hugged you
real monsters will sink their teeth into you and suck all of your blood out of your body until there is nothing left
until you are nothing
and they will leave you rotting on the floor
knowing that no one will come to help
they will watch you die
watch as they slowly kill you
they will cover your corpse with traces of them that only you can see
so you can never prove that they killed you in the first place
real monsters are not convicted
real monsters are never convicted
real monsters will convince a jury that they did nothing wrong
real monsters will smile as the judge says “not guilty”
knowing that those two words killed you even more than they ever could
real monsters roam the streets knowing that they have won
knowing that they will see the inside of you once again before they ever see the inside of a jail cell
real monsters are so scary that they make you wish the boogeyman really did live under your bed
instead of right down the hall
—  m o n s t e r s
(cc, 2017)

“This monster is your step-parent” imagines

Imagine losing your kid in the playground one day and finding them talking to a creature bigger than yourself. This is how you first meet your soon-to-be monster spouse.

Imagine dragging your child away from said monster, fearing they might eat your child, but both your child and the monster protest—apparently they’ve bonded so quickly in the ten minutes you left them. So now you comply to your kid’s urge to sit down and get to know this huge frickin monster.

Imagine getting called to your child’s school in the middle of work hours, one of the teachers needs to speak with you because your child has been a troublemaker in their class. You enter the teacher’s office and—the teacher is a demon?! Not just any demon, an incubus/succubus??!! What is a lust demon doing teaching in a school?????

Imagine getting so close to the demon teacher and your child walks in on both of you making out, close to tearing each other’s clothing, one day. Your kid never misbehaves in class after that.

Imagine hiring a babysitter for your kids and it turns out the babysitter you hired is a monster, whose specialty is to move super fast or is able to make copies of themselves, therefore really good at handling multiple children at a time. Your kids see how flustered you get talking to the babysitter; the oldest one making a >:3c face.

Imagine your kids setting up a date for you with their monster babysitter. They asked their babysitter for help on cooking dinner, only to surprise the babysitter that the dinner was for them and you.

Imagine hooking up with a monster at work and bringing them home for the first time, and you have to introduce them to your teenage kid, who straight up doesn’t trust them.

Or rather, your kid is just SOOO into your new monster lover, because the prospect of having a monster as a parent excites them. And then asks your monster lover if they know any monsters the same age as your kid.

Imagine both you and your kid dating a monster.

Summary of the Summer of Steven, Week Two
  • Restaurant Wars: Ronaldo loses his Ohime-Sama
  • Kiki's Pizza Delivery Service: Steven Universe is an anime now
  • Monster Reunion: Fuck the diamonds
  • Alone at Sea: Malachite is the worst relationship imaginable
  • Greg the Babysitter: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )
Summer of Steven Episodes Ranked

Ok so the second week of Summer of Steven is over and so far it’s great. The third season of SU feels like a huge improvement over the second. It’s also been a good couple of weeks for my blog as I was able to put out a Mellow Frames for each episode (except Monster Reunion which I decided to skip parodying), pass the 1000 subscriber mark (I now have more than 1100), and four of my latest Mellow Frames passed 1000 notes. Anyway, I decided to rank the episodes of Summer of Steven so far. Let’s go. 

10. The New Lars:

I do not care for Larsadie either as a ship or a story arch. Whenever the plot is about their relationship, I end up tuning out. This episode does have Steven possessing Lars to try to force him into a relationship he doesn’t want to be in. WTF Steven.

9. Too Short to Ride:

I’m sorry, but this episode felt aggressively mediocre. It felt like the plot just meanders until bam! Peridot has powers. I’m glad they did an episode on Peridot not having powers, but this just wasn’t very interesting. This is very disappointing because it was the first week episode I was the most excited to see.  

8. Restaurant Wars:

I didn’t know where to put this episode because it’s a great episode with one huge distracting flaw. The episode is a lot of fun in how over the top it is. The lengths Kofi and Fryman go in their war were a lot of fun to watch. The part I didn’t like was when Steven accidentally ruined Ronaldo and Jane’s relationship. Yes it was a good reveal that Ronaldo actually had a girlfriend, but the problem is that their relationship is ruined and it’s played for laughs. For the rest of the episode Ronaldo is crying about losing his girlfriend and it’s pretty clear that we’re suppose to find it funny. It’s not funny because Ronaldo did nothing wrong in that episode, he didn’t even want to participate in the scheme that ruined his relationship, but the others pressured him into it. They don’t even care that they ruined his relationship, which is especially out of character for Steven. If Steven were in character, he would’ve felt awful about ruining Ronaldo’s relationship and made it his top priority to fix it. Outside of that awful moment (that permeates the rest of the episode) this episode was great-stylized fun.

7. Drop Beat Dad/ Kiki Pizza’s Delivery Service:

Both solid episode, unfortunately both were predictable and forgettable.

6. Greg the Babysitter:

I thought about lumping this episode in with Drop Beat Dad and Kiki Pizza’s Delivery Service, but this episode inches above them because it had Rose Quartz. I love that at the beginning she seemed like a perfect benevolent woman that was too good for this world (Like how many dead moms are portrayed as in movies or shows). Now we know that she is ditzy and irresponsible and I love it.

5. Steven Floats:  

This episode actually feels way more like a Season 1A episode than it does a Season 3. It features the gems with way more of their early personalities, Steven is dealing with a new power going awry, and it has low as hell stakes. It did have a nice sentimental moment with Steven appreciating the gems and I thought it was a fun episode overall.

4. Alone At Sea:  

I hear this is actually a divisive episode. I think it probably has to do with how the episode handles the subject of abuse. Personally, I think the episode handled the subject greatly. I use to take a Psychology class where the Professor used to study abusive relationships. She said that abusive relationships weren’t always like they were portrayed in movies, that many abusive relationships were mutual. That’s how I feel Malachite was after this episode. I liked the development in both Jasper and Lapis’ characters and this episode does tackle a real issue in what felt like a real way. Solid episode in my opinion (though it’s definitely ok to disagree).

3. Beach City Drift:

Stevonnie’s back! So is Kevin. This episode was pretty exciting, but also had a good message. Sometimes you just need to not let jerks get to you. It wasn’t really about forgiving Kevin; it was more about not caring about him. Bad people aren’t worth your time.  

2. Monster Reunion:

Centipeetle is back! This episode was cute and emotional. Centipeetle is just such a cinnamon roll that deserves better (I also like that she was a Homeworld gem). We also learned more about the war and the Diamond’s villainy (No redemption arcs for you Diamonds!). It was a great journey of an episode that fortunately ended happily.  

1. Mr. Greg:

I’m usually not a big fan of Pearl episodes. Friend Ship, Coach Steven and Back to the Barn are some of my least favorite episodes. However, this episode got everything just so right. It’s one of my favorite episodes of the series period. The episode had Pearl and Greg deal with their bitterness towards each other, which was an area that needed exploring. The musical format for the episode was great! Most of the songs really worked! The episode had Pearl also dealing with the loss without doing something unlikable like in Rose’s Scabbard or Sworn to the Sword. This episode just felt complete and bigger than 11 minutes. It’s a beautiful episode and I’m anxious to see if anything else in the Summer of Steven will top it.

Anyway, that’s my ranking so far on the Summer of Steven episodes. If you want to reply with your favorites, please do. I’m always interested to hear what other people thought of these episodes. 


Who doesn’t enjoy an AU or two when it comes to your favorite shows? I’d like to talk about three different AUs that I’ve come to like in the SVTFOE fandom. And as the pictures imply, they are Toffee related.

AU #1: Role Swap SVTFOE by @fannishcodex

In this AU, we follow the adventures of a 14-year-old Toffee as he becomes the next guardian of the broken wand that’s been passed down in his family for many generations. I love the idea behind it, and love the fact that Jackie Lynn Thomas is part monster in this AU (since she really gives off a sea kind of vibe to her), and the fact Toffee has a chewing habit (though I think that’s every fangirl’s idea of younger Toffee). Even though I haven’t seen it be talked about again after a while, I would love to see more of this AU, maybe find out what would happen if Toffee went through puberty (or whatever it’s called for Toffee’s species).

AU #2: Hatch Switch by @fannishcodex

This AU is adorable and at the same time a bit sad. It’s adorable that (in Chapter 2) Toffee is this poor defenseless baby that’s being taking care of by the royal family, but the sad part of it is, why did the king and queen decide to take care of a monster? Was it out of pity or something far more sinister than we can dare think of? The reason I love this AU is the simple fact of… BABY TOFFEE!! (Gah, this makes me want to draw more baby Toffee sketches, but I don’t have any idea for a drawing! XC)

AU #3: Monster Babysitter by @sandyferal

When I first saw this AU, I instantly fell in love with the concept; I thought it was adorable that Toffee would take care of the little rambunctious princess we all know and love. However, things turn to a darker twist in this AU when you find out Toffee isn’t taking care of Star by his own free will; but rather is assigned to. Toffee and the monsters of this AU are all slaves to the Mewmans so no matter how Toffee looks at it, he’s a slave through and through to the royal family and can be disposed of any minute.

That’s all for the AUs I like in this fandom, maybe I’ll find more and talk about them soon.