the memories will always haunt me

this ask meme is based on the blog gravesuggestion.  i’ve divided it up into two categories  ( light  &  dark )  based on the themes.  some of these can be somewhat triggering seeing that the darker ones deal with a lot of death mentions.  please be cautious before continuing on!!

L I G H T

‘  at night i dream of you.  ’
‘  don’t give up yet.  you still have time to fix things.  ’
‘  falling in love with someone else is not a personal attack.  ’
‘  i am still so weak when it comes to you.  ’
‘  i can’t believe i let myself let you down.  ’
‘  i don’t care where we go when we die,  as long as i’m with you.  ’
‘  i dream of saying to you all the words i held inside until it was too late.  ’
‘  i feel so warm  &  safe when you talk to me.  maybe i could love you if you’d let me.  ’
‘  i finally let the right people in  &  i have never felt so loved.  ’
‘  i like the way your nails paint red stripes along my spine days after you’re gone.  ’
‘  i lived in your permafrost for twenty years  &  then you looked at me  &  i felt the warmth of spring.  ’
‘  i once wished you’d leave me alone,  but i take it back.  ’
‘  i want to be able to love someone else,  but you stretch your arms  &  spread your legs inside my heart so that there is no room for anyone or anything else.  ’
‘  i want to believe that we got it right this time.  ’
‘  i wonder how much longer i can cling to your light before it expires completely.  ’
‘  i would travel across the world to be by your side,  because as long as you are with me,  anywhere is a perfect place to me.  ’
‘  it took me awhile to realize it myself,  but you are not what other people say you are.  ’
‘  it’s not that i really need you,  but life would be pretty boring without you around.  there’s no one i would rather be with.  ’
‘  i’d like to stay like this for awhile.  ’
‘  life  &  death don’t have to be so boring,  let’s make both an adventure.  ’
‘  life imitates art,  they say.  i didn’t believe it until i started to notice the way your eyelashes look so much like tiny ink stroke.  ’
‘  live your life so that when you die,  souls will come for miles just to hear your historic tales.  ’
‘  make your exes jealous  &  your past self proud.  ’
‘  maybe you’re what i needed to find in order to move on.  ’
‘  never get caught falling harder.  they’ll never let you back up.  ’
‘  please don’t go.  ’
‘  some days it’s easier to just stop fighting it  &  succumb.  ’
‘  sometimes,  you’ll find it hard to keep going,  but you always will.  ’
‘  the desire i feel for you is that same itching,  insidious hunger that an addict has for their addiction.  ’
‘  the worst thing about you is that you weren’t all bad.  ’
‘  there is absolutely nothing  &  no one who can stop me.  ’
‘  there is no route of losing you that is without pain.  ’
‘  there’s still room for adventure  &  there is no one i’d rather have by my side.  ’
‘  things didn’t turn out the way i planned,  but i’m alright with that.  ’
‘  we could be really incredible together,  you know?  ’
‘  you are beautiful  &  vibrant  &  confident.  you are light  &  laughter incarnate  &  every fiber of your being screams freedom  &  joy.  when i am with you,  i am truly happy.  ’
‘  you are starlight incarnate,  from the grand way you sway your hips to the wide mysterious way you think.  blessed are any to be loved by you.  ’
‘  you are too afraid of the future to let go of a past that was never kind to you.  ’
‘  you call me yours  &  i have no idea what that even means to you.  ’
‘  you remind me of bubblegum  &  sweets;  soft  &  pink  &  warm.  you are strong in the gentlest way.  you are so stubbornly kind.  i wish i could be like that.  ’
‘  you still visit me while i sleep sometimes.  your fingers trace my spine  &  i listen to you breathe.  please stop haunting me.  ’
‘  ‘morbid curiosity’ is a wonderful way to describe how i feel about you.  ’

D A R K

‘  a thousand empty bottles  &  fist fights will never return to us what we lost that day.  ’
‘  everyone else has moved on,  but i am still here.  ’
‘  everything about you screams danger.  ’
‘  everything is worthless to you  &  you,  in turn,  became worthless.  ’
‘  for once in my life i want to be surrounded by people that i don’t feel like i need to impress.  ’
‘  freedom is really hard to get used to.  ’
‘  how could you do this to me?  how fucking could you?  ’
‘  i am becoming everything we always dreamed of  &  i am leaving you behind.  ’
‘  i buried you so well that you might as well have died.  ’
‘  i can rest easy knowing that the person i love is dead  &  not the monster you became.  ’
‘  i can’t look at you.  not now,  not ever.  ’
‘  i don’t ask how you’ve been.  what’s the point?  you’d lie anyways.  ’
‘  i dream of hearing the words i so desperately needed to lay your memory to rest.  ’
‘  i haunted this house first.  there is no room for you here.  ’
‘  i have a right to be upset.  i loved them too, you know.  ’
‘  i just want it to end.  i want it to all go away.  i want to go away.  ’
‘  i may be a wolf in sheep’s clothing,  but a snake hiding in the skin of a mouse is far more dangerous.  ’
‘  i saw your face today  &  didn’t feel anything.  i am free.  ’
‘  i tried to save you,  but you didn’t want to be saved.  you just wanted someone to suffer with you.  ’
‘  it’s almost as if you were never here.  ’
‘  it’s unhealthy to do these things,  you tell me.  you say it’s time to stop smoking,  time to stop gambling,  &  dammit,  i f you don’t stop drinking it’ll kill you.  i sure hope you’re right,  darling.  ’
‘  i’m always pleasantly surprised by how easy it is to kill you in my mind  ’
‘  i’m not really scared to die.  i’m more afraid that no one will miss me when i’m gone.  ’
‘  i’m not the person you left behind anymore.  there’s no one here to miss.  ’
‘  i’ve been dead far longer than i’ve been alive.  ’
‘  i’ve eaten nothing but flower petals  &  ivy for weeks because i want to be beautiful inside like you.  ’
‘  i’ve never been completely satisfied.  i most likely will still be unsatisfied long after my death.  ’
‘  no motive other than pleasure,  my dear.  ’
‘  one day i’ll go or you will.  either way,  it will be as if i’m losing a piece of myself.  ’
‘  our dreams  &  promises decay along with you.  ’
‘  the leaves change,  but nothing else does.  ’
‘  the only difference between avoiding  &  leaving is that now i’m not waiting up for you.  ’
‘  there is no such thing as a person who is required to love you.  ’
‘  there’s only so much that can be done to repair old damage.  ’
‘  things aren’t going as i hoped.  maybe if i die,  i can start over again?  better luck next time.  ’
‘  this is not something to be proud of.  this is a tragedy.  ’
‘  trying to get rid of me?  oh honey,  you’ll have to try much harder than that.  ’
‘  trying to get under my skin?  you’re nothing more than a pesky itch.  ’
‘  unlike you,  i can’t hide my identity when it becomes an inconvenience or a danger.  ’
‘  weeping is for gods  &  martyrs,  we cannot afford such luxuries.  ’
‘  would you even miss me?  ’
‘  you are not important enough to earn an eternal place in my heart.  ’
‘  you complain nonstop about being unloved  &  alone,  i can’t imagine what you’d be like if that were actually true.  ’
‘  you don’t know what it’s like.  ’
‘  you made this so fucking easy for me.  ’
‘  you should see me as a threat.  i will tear down everything you know until there is nothing left of you.  i am a walking threat.  ’
‘  you think i’m already gone,  but i’m still fighting.  ’
‘  you think i’m dead,  but i’m just dying.  ’
‘  you were never an addiction,  you were a fucking disease.  ’
‘  you wouldn’t dare cross me.  i am god  &  you are the soil beneath my feet.  ’
‘  your existence takes up so much more space in mine that we might as well be one entity.  ’
‘  your fingers are so cold  &  bruised,  but you’re still slamming your fists again the barricade as if it makes a difference.  ’
‘  your hair is tied in a noose  &  your fingernails are razor blades,  your lips are poison  &  i will gratefully kiss them.  ’
‘  your hatred has a body count  &  we will not forget.  ’
‘  your loss,  not mine.  ’
‘  you’re a sick fuck.  you know that?  ’
‘  you’re not gentle with me  &  i would never ask you to be.  ’
‘  you’ve trapped yourself so thoroughly in your own mind that it’s not even a rut anymore,  it’s a pit.   ’


Dear Chairman.
I am disappointed by your decision to press charges, but I am not surprised. My only hope is that the courts will see the matters differently than you have. You see, I never had the chance to serve in battle, nor did fate provide me the opportunity to sacrifice myself for humanity as it did for so many others in the Great War. Someone extremely dear to me was lost very early in my life. My mind has always plagued me with the question, if the choice had been placed in my hands, could I have saved her? The memory of her, has haunted me my entire life, and moreso in these last few years than I could ever have imagined. But given the events of these past few weeks, I feel confident that had I been given the chance, I would have made those sacrifices myself. Had I only the chance.
I know that you disagreed with my methods, and that others will as well. This is beyond my control. However, I cannot imagine that any court, would be able to convict me, no matter how low their opinion of my actions might be. You must understand one basic fact for all this to make sense my dear Chairman. These A.I., they all come from somewhere; they are all based on a person. Our Alpha, was no exception. And while the law has many penalties for the atrocities we inflict on others, there are no punishments for the terrors that we inflict on ourselves. So you send your men. They won’t find themselves a fight. They’ll only find an old man. An old man tired, but satisfied he did his duty. An old man weary from a mind more filled with memory, than it is with hope.
Sincerely yours, the former director of Project Freelancer, Doctor Leonard Church.

Comprehensive List of Ryden Songs

For anon! Marking the songs written by Ryan as R and Brendon as B 

Northern Downpour: R The Ryden Song. 

  • Ryan told Brendon to pay special attention to the line ‘I know the world’s a broken bone, but melt your headaches, call it home’
  • Brendon has broken down many times while performing it post split and doesn’t sing it anymore
  • ‘I missed your skin when you were east’ is believed to be a reference to the Seattle lore. 
  • ‘Hey moon, please forget to fall down’ - Sun & Moon theory  

When The Day Met The Night: R obvious Sun & Moon theory also here Brendon uses male pronouns in the second verse!

Cape Town: R by The Young Veins, Ryan and Jon’s band, post split

  • Cape Town was the last show Panic played before they split
  • Includes the line ‘I loved you, I left you in Cape Town’
  • Ryan has also said the split was like breaking up with a girlfriend

The Other Girl: R 

  • ‘Don’t have much to say right now, Cause I’m trying to figure out, Why he’s with the other girl’ wow need I say more?

Bittersweet: B 

  • ‘I’ve been to Tokyo and to South Africa’ Cape Town is in South Africa and it’s like a response to Cape Town
  • ‘You could tell me secrets that I’ll probably repeat
    I’m not trying to hurt you, I just love to speak’  
    we know Ry is a secretive person and Brendon has a big mouth so yeah 

Nearly Witches: R+B ahhh The Song Of Salt and pain

  • Ryan wrote the song during the cabin days, but later Brendon used it on V&V with some modifications
  • basically he changed it from a creepy, spooky song to a romantic thing
  • also he changed Ryan’s ‘as a boy’ to ‘as a girl’
  • AND THE Main Thing: Brendon mocked Ryan’s original lyrics ‘here I am composing a burlesque’ Very Frequently by singing it in a.. camp way.. and thrusting his hips etc

Memories: B check this out

The Calendar: B subtlety has never been B’s best suite 

  • This is officially about the split and Ryan and Jon. Like confirmed.
  • but  ‘And I meant everything I said that night
    I will come back to life, But only for you’ 
  • ‘Put another ex on the calendar, Summer’s on its deathbed’ -Sun & Moon theory  
  • ‘at night your body’s a symphony, and I’m conducting’…!!

Hurricane: B 

  • Cause they know, I know that they don’t look like me.
    Oh, they know, I know that they don’t sound like me.  -
    referring to the young veins changing their style 
  • But he didn’t come and speak to me, Or put my heart at ease.

Casual Affair: B

  • preceded by an anti gay message from an old film during live shows
  • which possibly implies it’s about a gay affair? I think brendon said it was about fantasizing etc so yeah

Nicotine: B brendon’s denied it, but a lot of people think the muffled intro sounds like I love you Ryan Ross, but not right now…

Lonely Moonlight: R  Ryan’s solo work

  • ‘When I had a younger heart, You told me not to fear the dark’
  • ‘Someone I love loves someone else’  awww poor bb
  • also even the title is Sun & Moon theory

Where I Belong: R again one of Ry’s 2014 demos

  • If you wanna see the sun, You’re gonna have to dig your way out - Sun & Moon theory 
  • I know I should’ve never left, I’d gotten tired being buried -possibly he was tired of hiding behind Brendon’s voice for his words, but he regrets leaving
  • I hope that I’ve still got your help - Ryan’s actually said he’s not against working with panic again

Impossible Year: B

  • There’s no sunshine, This impossible year - Sun & Moon theory  
  • bitter pills, tattoos, last bruises, no you and me

House of Memories: B he’s not subtle lmao

  • Memories turn into daydreams, Become a taboo 
  • I think of you from time to time, More than I thought I would….You were just too kind And I was too young to know 
  • Those thoughts of past lovers, They’ll always haunt me.. I wish I could believe, You’d never wronged me 
  • honestly, brendon didn’t really have very serious relationships before Sarah so who is he talking about?? (ryanryanryan)

Golden Days: B the throam song (I’m looking @ u anna green)

  • I found a pile of Polaroids, In the crates of a record shop 
  • Boy he was something debonair in 1979
  • Time can never break your heart but it’ll take the pain away

Disability in witchcraft

Occasionally I’ll see a post encouraging spoony witches. You’re still valid, as the kids like to remind each other. I admit, I’m a generation too old for this validity schtick. Personally, I always wanted to read as quasi-fictional.

I disagree. Disabled witches aren’t valid. Disabled witches are so traditional, it should practically be mandatory.

Think of Odin, one eyed. Think of Gandalf and his walking stick. Think of bent and elderly crones. Remember Merlin when he fled to the forest, terrified and haunted by memories of war.

I’m hard of hearing; I hear ghosts and gods better than people, some days. My spine is crooked and broken; the pain roots me to the earth. There are days that I cannot walk, but there aren’t any days that I can’t fly.

I’m stubborn and hardworking, and there are days that I try to fight through my pain as if it weren’t there. So I don’t always remember this, but your ailments are your teachers. Your practice isn’t acceptable despite your disability. Your disability is part of your practice. You know things that people who are merely healthy won’t know until they’re old. You know yourself in ways the healthy don’t and can’t. That’s something more wild and more true than validity. It’s power.

My mother always told me to ‘love the one you’re with,’. And I know that she’s right. But I still think of you whenever I hold his hand. While I kiss his lips, I somehow still see you. How my mind wanders towards you , no matter who I end up with. As I held him next to me ;I still felt so lonely.For your voice still haunts me in my dreams.
How the memory of you stained the taste of love on my tongue. For I thirst for wine I could no longer savor for.For I still speak of you in my sleep. Hungover on your love. How the guilt stammers each heartbeat. A steady thunderous voice. How it screams the truth that ‘I still love you,’.For my dear it was you. I guess it is true. I still love you.
Death of a Bachelor starters

VICTORIOUS.

‘ tonight we are victorious. ’
‘ all my friends were glorious. ’
‘ let me be your killer king. ’
‘ it hurts until it stops. ’
‘ my touch is black and poisonous. ’
‘ I know you need it. do you feel it ? ’
‘ drink the water, drink the wine. ’
‘ we gotta turn up the crazy. ’
‘ I’m like a scarf trick, it’s all up the sleeve. ’
‘ I taste like magic. ’
‘ Throw the bait, catch the shark, bleed the water red. ’
‘ 50 words for murder and I’m every one of them. ’

DON’T THREATEN ME WITH A GOOD TIME.

‘ it’s a hell of a feeling, though. ’
‘ who are these people ? ’
‘ I just woke up in my underwear. ’
‘ I should probably introduce myself. ’
‘ there’s no such thing as getting out of hand. ’
‘ memories tend to just pop up. ’
‘ don’t think I’ll ever get enough. ’
‘ champagne, cocaine, gasoline– and most things in between. ’
‘ I roam the city in a shopping cart. ’
‘ this night is heating up. ’
‘ raise hell and turn it up. ’
‘ If you go out you might pass out in a drain pipe. ’
‘ don’t threaten me with a good time. ’
‘ what are these footprints? they don’t look very human-like. ’
‘ Now I wish that I could find my clothes. ’
‘ I wanna wake up, can’t even tell if this is a dream. ’
‘ how did we end up in my neighbor’s pool ? ’

HALLELUJAH.

‘ A moment you’ll never remember, and a night you’ll never forget. ’
‘ Show praise with your body. ’
‘ Say your prayers. ’
‘ My life started the day I got caught. ’
‘ the time for being sad is  over. ’
‘ you miss them like you miss no other. ’
‘ being blue is better than being over it. ’
‘ I was drunk and it didn’t mean a thing. ’
‘ I love the things you hate about yourself. ’
‘ just finished a daydream. ’
‘ no one wants you when you have no heart. ’
‘ I’m sitting pretty in my brand new scars. ’
‘ You’ll never know if you don’t ever try again, so let’s try. ’

EMPEROR’S NEW CLOTHES.

‘ finders keepers, losers weepers. ’
‘ welcome to the end of eras. ’
‘ dress me up and watch me die. ’
‘ if it feels good, tastes good, it must be mine. ’
‘ you just might see a ghost tonight. ’
‘ And if you don’t know, now you know. ’
‘ I’m taking back the crown. ’
‘ I’m all dressed up and naked. ’
‘ I see what’s mine and take it. ’
‘ so close, I can taste it. ’
‘ I’m so much more than royal. ’
‘ Heroes always get remembered, but you know legends never die. ’
‘ welcome to my world of fun. ’

DEATH OF A BACHELOR.

‘ do I look lonely ? ’
‘ people have told me I don’t look the same. ’
‘ maybe I lost weight. ’
‘ I’m playing hooky with the best of the best. ’
‘ I’m walking the long road, watching the sky fall. ’
‘ how could I ask for more ? ’
‘ a lifetime of laughter and the expense of the death of a bachelor. ’
‘ it feels like my heart is going to burst. ’
‘ and when you think of me am I the best you’ve ever had ? ’
‘ share one more drink with me, smile even though you’re sad. ’

CRAZY=GENIUS.

‘ you can set yourself on fire. ’
‘ you dance on a tightrope of weird. ’
‘ but when I wake up you’re so normal that you just disappear. ’
‘ there’s no residue of a torturer inside of your eyes. ’
‘ then I’m a fucking arsonist. ’
‘ I’m a rocket scientist. ’
‘ you can set yourself on fire, but you’re never gonna burn. ’
‘ you’re never gonna learn. ’
‘ Darlin’, you know how the wine plays tricks on my tongue. ’
‘ other boys you may have dated serrated your heart with a slice. ’
‘ the cut of your love never hurts. ’

LA DEVOTEE.

‘ you got two black eyes from loving too hard. ’
‘ I wouldn’t change you. ’
‘ I wouldn’t ever try to make you leave. ’
‘ just another LA devotee. ’
‘ I couldn’t change you. ’
‘ I couldn’t ever make you see. ’

GOLDEN DAYS.

‘ I found a pile of Polaroids in the crates of a record shop. ’
‘ boy, he was something debonair in 1979. ’
‘ and she had Farrah Fawcett hair. ’
‘ don’t you wonder when the light begins to fade ? ’
‘ all the memories that we make will never change. ’
‘ time can never break your heart, but it’ll take the pain away. ’
‘ Right now our future’s certain. ’
‘ I won’t let it fade away. ’

THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE DIRTY.

‘ truth is that it was always going to end. ’
‘ if you wanna start a fight, you better throw the first punch. make it a good one. ’
‘ And if you wanna make it through the night, you better say my name like the good, the bad and the dirty. ’
‘ I know what it’s like to have to trade the ones that you love for the ones you hate. ’
‘ don’t think I’ve ever used a day of my education. ’
‘ there’s only two ways that these things can go. ’
‘ how was I to know that all your friends won’t hold any grudges ? ’
‘ I got the final judgement. ’
‘ you’ve been gone so long, I forgot what you feel like. ’
‘ but I’m not gonna think about that right now. ’
‘ all our friends want us to fall in love. ’

HOUSE OF MEMORIES.

‘ the lonely moments just get lonelier, the longer you’re in love. ’
‘ I don’t want to be afraid. ’
‘ baby, we built this house on memories. ’
‘ promise me a place in your house of memories. ’
‘ I think of you from time to time, more than I thought I would. ’
‘ you were just too kind. ’
‘ I was too young to know. ’
‘ that’s all that really matters. ’
‘ I was a fool. ’
‘ those thoughts of past lovers, they’ll always haunt me. ’
‘ I wish I could believe you’d never wrong me. ’
‘ will you remember me in the same way as I remember you ? ’

IMPOSSIBLE YEAR.

‘ there’s no sunshine. ’
‘ all the guests at the party, they’re so insincere. ’
‘ these nightmares always hang on past the dream. ’

My mother always told me to ‘love the one you’re with,’. And I know that she’s right. But I still think of you whenever I hold his hand. While I kiss his lips, I somehow still see you. How my mind wanders towards you , no matter who I end up with. As I held him next to me ;I still felt so lonely.For your voice still haunts me in my dreams. 
How the memory of you stained the taste of love on my tongue. For I thirst for wine I could no longer savor for.For I still speak of you in my sleep. Hungover on your love. How the guilt stammers each heartbeat. A steady thunderous voice. How it screams the truth that ‘I still love you,’.For my dear it was you. I guess it is true. I still love you.
—  The One That Got Away // Conee Berdera

PANIC! AT THE DISCO “DEATH OF A BACHELOR” STARTERS

Victorious

“Tonight, we are victorious.”
“Let me be your Killer King.”
“It hurts until it stops.”
“My touch is black and poisonous, and nothing like my punch drunk kiss.”
“I know you need it, do you feel it?”
“We feel alright.”
“I taste like magic.”
“Livin’ like a washed up celebrity, shooting up fireworks like it’s the Fourth of July.”

Don’t Threaten me with a Good TIme

“Alright, alright.”
“Who are these people?”
“I just woke up in my underwear.”
“I should prob’ly introduce myself.”
“You shoulda seen what I wore, a cane and a party hat.”
“Don’t think I’ll ever get enough.”
“This night is heating up.”
“Oh yeah, don’t threaten me with a good time.”
“What are these footprints? They don’t look human-like.”
“How did we end up in my neighbor’s pool?”
“I’m a scholar and a gentleman, and I don’t fall when I try to stand.”
“I lost a bet to a guy in a Chiffon skirt.”
“I’m not as think as you drunk I am.”

Hallelujah

“A moment you’ll never remember and a night you’ll never forget.”
“Show praise with your body.”
“Say your prayers.”
“My life started the day I got caught under the covers with my secondhand lovers.”
“In a state of emergency, who was I tryna be?”
“Then the time for being sad is over.”
“I was drunk and it didn’t mean a thing.”
“I love the things you hate about yourself.”
“No one wants you when you have no heart.”

Emperor’s New Clothes

“Finder’s keepers, loser’s weepers.”
“Done my time and served my sentence.”
“If it feels good, tastes good, it must be mine.”
“You just might see a ghost tonight.”
“I’m all dressed up and naked.”
“I see what’s mine and take it.”
“I am so much more than royal.”
“Heroes always get remembered, but you know legends never die.”
“I’m taking back the crown.”
“Welcome to my world of fun.”
“Flip the switch and watch them run.”

Death of a Bachelor

“Do I look lonely?”
“People have told me I don’t look the same.”
“I’m playing hooky.”
“I’m walking the long road.”
“How could I ask for more?”
“Lifetime of laughter, at the expense of a death of a bachelor.”
“Alone at a table for two and I just want to be served.”
“And when you think of me, am I the best you’ve ever had?”
“Share one more drink with me.”
“Smile even though you’re sad.”

Crazy = Genius

“You can set yourself on fire.”
“You’re so normal that you just disappear.”
“She said you’re just like Mike Love.”
“If crazy equals genius, then I’m a fucking arsonist.”
“I’m a rocket scientist.”
“Darlin’ you know how the wine plays tricks on my tongue, but you don’t seem to change when you stuff all your feelings with drugs.”
“But you’re never gonna learn.”

LA Devotee

“You got two black eyes from loving too hard.”
“I wouldn’t change ya.”
“You got bleached out eyes from the valley sand and the black tar palms from weeping your name.”
“Just another LA devotee.”

Golden Days

“I found a pile of polaroids in the crates of a record shop.”
“He was something debonair in 1979 and she had Farah Fawcett hair.”
“All the mem’ries we make will never change.”
“We’ll stay drunk, we’ll stay tan, let the love remain.”
“I swear that I’ll always paint you.”
“I bet they met some diplomats on Bianca Jagger’s new yacht.”
“I bet they never even thought about the glitter dancing on the skin.”
“Time can never break your heart, but it’ll take the pain away.”
“Right now, our future’s certain, I won’t let it fade away.”

The Good, the Bad and the Dirty

“Truth is that it was always going to end.”
“True all the good girls act so good, ‘til one of them doesn’t wait their turn.”
“Hey holy roller.”
“If you wanna start a fight, you better throw the first punch.”
“If ya wanna make it through the night, you better say my name.”
“I know what it’s like to trade the ones you love for the ones you hate.”
“Don’t think I’ve ever used a day of my education.”
“There’s only two ways these things can go: good or bad.”
“How was I supposed to know that all your friends won’t hold any grudges?”
“I got the final judgement.”
“You’ve been gone so long.”
“I forgot what you feel like.”
“I’m gonna keep getting underneath you.”
“All our friends want us to fall in love.”

House of Memories

“If you’re a lover, you should know, the lonely moments just get lonelier.”
“I don’t want to be afraid.”
“Heart to heart and eyes to eyes, is this taboo?”
“We built this house on memories.”
“Take my picture now.”
“When your fantasies become your legacy, promise me a place in your house of memories.”
“I think of you from time to time.”
“I was a fool.”
“Those thoughts of past lovers, they’ll always haunt me.”
“I wish I could believe that you’d never wrong me.”
“Remember me in the same way I remember you.”

Impossible Year

“There’s no sunshine this impossible year.”
“There’s no good times this impossible year.”
“All the guests at the party, they’re so insincere.”
“There’s no you and me this impossible year.”
“There’s never air to breathe.”
“These nightmares always hang on past the dream.”

The Ryden Song Encyclopedia

“by @edgyemoepiphany (me) 

I’ve seen many Ryden lists floating around in the abyss of Tumblr, but now I’m creating an ultimate list with not only Panic! songs but Young Veins and solo work as well. This includes all popular fan theory, intrepretaions, & some of my theories as well. This will be mostly in order of release (or tracks on an album). Here we go! ☟  

This Green Gentleman (Things Have Changed) (written by Ryan) 

see under Northern Downpour for Seattle Theory 

  • later Brendon sings “I never said I’d leave this city, I never said I’d leave Seattle” 

I Have Friends in Holy Spaces (written by Brendon)

  • “You remind me of a former love that I once knew… We were holding hands walking through the middle of the street It’s fine with me, I’m just taking in the scenery“ 
  • “You remind me of a few of my famous friends
    Well, that all depends what you qualify as friends“ more than friends? 
  • “I’m just saying that I like it a lot
    More than you think, if the sun would come out and sing with me” sun/moon theory 

Northern Downpour (written by Ryan) 

  • ahh yes … the most popular Holy Grail of Ryden lore (unless you fancy Myrtle Beach more)  
  • XXX 
  • the birth of the Seattle Theory ☟
  • Ryan was in New York at his 21st birthday party. Brendon was in Seattle. Ryan supposedly (aka definitely) took the red-eye flight from NY to Seattle to be with Brendon. A fan took a picture with them in Seattle. Ryan was still wearing the same clothes! The fan stated that the pair went out together. 
  • Northern Downpour was written about this ☝ experience according to Ryden fans.   
  • “I missed your skin when you were east.” 
  • Ryan has also said that he always wanted to settle down in Seattle. 
  • also see This Green Gentleman for rest of Seattle Theory 
  • XXX  
  • Ryan once told Brendon to “pay special attention to the line”: “I know the World’s a broken bone, but melt you headaches call it home.” Later after the band split Brendon breaks down singing this line. 
  • Beebo cries during this song so much tbh. 
  • Brendon no longer performs it.  
  • “Hey moon, please forget to fall down” This line is believed to be sun/moon theory, but I personally think they mean they never want the night to end. 

When The Day Met The Night (written by Ryan) 

  • sun/moon theory 
  • 2nd verse male pronouns? 

Mad as Rabbits (written by Ryan) 

  • considered the Panic! LGBTQ+ anthem (along with G/G/B) 
  • “Reinvent Love” - originally a line from Arthur Rimbaud who was openly gay. He wrote, “I don’t like women. I like men. We must reinvent love.” Some believe this idea of love became the concept of Pretty Odd. 
  • In the final seconds of the final album with Panic! At The Disco as complete band together, Brendon and Ryan together harmonize on this defining line: Reinvent Love. 
  • Ryan often wore the reinvent love slogan. Except there is a photograph of him wearing Brendon ♥ on a headband. 

Take A Vacation! (written by Ryan - The Young Veins)  

  • sad because Ryan originally wrote this song among others to be on the next Panic! album after Pretty Odd 

Cape Town (written by Ryan - The Young Veins) 

  • The band performed its last show together here. 
  • This is where Ryden fans say Ryden broke up. 
  • When asked what happened in Cape Town, Zack responded: almost exactly the lyrics. 
  • “I loved you, I left you in Cape Town” 
  • “Woke me in the morning, asked me if I meant it, I didn’t” This is Ryan’s POV. In The Calendar by Brendon (a song that Brendon confirmed was about the breakup), he says “And I meant everything I said that night. I will come back to life but only for you.” 
  • Ryan said the split was like breaking up with a girlfriend. 

The Other Girl (written by Ryan - The Young Veins) 

  • “Don’t have much to say right now, Cause I’m trying to figure out, Why he’s with the other girl” 

Lie To The Truth (written by Ryan - The Young Veins) 

  • “When I started out writing you this song I was heels over head in love” Ryan started writing TAV while Panic! was still together. 
  • “But you had your doubts cause it took to long to finally see what I what I’d been doin wrong” 
  • “I tried to love you but You still loved him so I’ll ignore my heart and lie to the truth I’ll lie to the truth” 
  • “A love of mine once said ‘The best part about you was me’“ Brendon would say that.  
  • Here it is ladies & gentlemen & non identifying beautiful peoples: “I know I broke your heart. Mine is broken, too. Now if we’re even, then why are we both blue?” This completely sums up their breakup. And the icing on the cake? Here’s Brendon’s direct response from “Hallelujah”: “Being blue is better than being over it.” Cue explosions… and tears.   
  • Last lines of the song: “We tried to be true, but you still loved him, so I’ll keep my distance, And lie to the truth, I lie to the truth, I lie to the truth, Cause you lied to it too”
  • The truth that they were in love? Did they lie to it? 

And here we arrive to the V & V pit, where we can see how hard it is for Beebo to be subtle. P.S. It’s impossible. 

Memories (written by Brendon) 

  • “He was the congregation’s vagrant” Perhaps Brendon referring to himself since he used to be Mormon. “With an unrequited love” ahh there it is 

Hurricane (written by Brendon) 

  • “Cause they know, I know that they don’t look like me.
    Oh, they know, I know that they don’t sound like me.” Young Veins & Panic!’s difference in style
  • “But he didn’t come and speak to me, Or put my heart at ease.” 

Always (written by Brendon) 

  • “It was always you falling for me.” 

The Calendar (written by Brendon) 

  • This is previously mentioned. 
  • Confirmed to be about the band breaking up. 
  • “And I meant everything I said that night
    I will come back to life, But only for you” (see under Cape Town)
  • “Put another ex on the calendar, Summer’s on its deathbed” sun/moon theory  
  • “at night your body’s a symphony, and I’m conducting” I got nothin. 

Nearly Witches (originally written by Ryan but changed & used by Brendon)

  • Ryan made original demo. Brendon made it a very pop-like song. 
  • Brendon changed Ryan’s “as a boy” to “as a girl”. 
  • Brendon sings Ryan’s “Here I am composing a burlesque” very mockingly. 

Bittersweet (written by Brendon) 

  • “I’ve been to Tokyo and to South Africa” a response to Ryan’s Cape Town lyric 
  • “You could tell me secrets that I’ll probably repeat I’m not trying to hurt you, I just love to speak”  Ryan = shy, Brendon = big mouthed 

Nicotine (written by Brendon) 

  • Someone said Brendon has denied it, but in the intro it sounds like he is saying “I love you Ryan Ross but not right now.” 
  • Idk 

Lonely Moonlight (written by Ryan - solo) 

  • Sun/moon theory 
  • “regret” 
  • “I wandered through the sunshine, remembering when you were mine” 
  • “Someone I love, loves someone else” Oh. My. 

Where I Belong (written by Ryan - solo) 

  • aka rip my heart out and tear it to shreds… then throw it under a bus 
  • “If you wanna see the Sun…” sun/moon theory 
  • “I know I should have never left, I’d gotten tired of being buried” Ryan still wants to be a part of the band even though he didn’t get to sing his own words. He was supposed to be the frontman, and he was the lyricist but kinda got buried behind Brendon, who’s the lead singer. 
  • “I hope that I’ve still got your help” return?  

Hallelujah (written by Brendon) 

  • see under Lie To The Truth by Ryan 

Golden Days (written by Brendon) 

  • Old Panic! was the Golden Days  
  • Could “pile of polaroids” be A Picture With Books? 
  • This is so throam. 

House of Memories (written by Brendon)  

  • umm who is Brendon’s greatest memory - Ryan  
  • “I think of you from time to time, More than I thought I would, You were just too kind, And I was too young to know”
  • “Those thoughts of past lovers, They’ll always haunt me, I wish I could believe, You’d never wronged me” 

and the final crescendo of Ryden songs… 

Impossible Year (written by Brendon) 

  • Brendon wrote this song right after the band broke up. (This is confirmed.) Meaning “this impossible year” is his year without Ryan
  • “There’s no sunshine, this impossible year” sun/moon theory 
  • “There’s no sunshine
    This impossible year
    Only black days and sky grey
    And clouds full of fear *feeling of fear and sadness
    And storms full of sorrow
    That won’t disappear

    Just typhoons and monsoons
    This impossible year”
  • “There’s no good times
    This impossible year
    Just a beachfront of bad blood 
    And a coast that’s unclear *unclear future without Ryan
    All the guests at the party
    They’re so insincere
    They just intrude and exclude
    This impossible year“ 
  • There’s no you and me *!!!
    This impossible year
    Only heartache and heartbreak
    And gin made of tears
    The bitter pill I swallow
    The scars souvenir
    That tattoo, your last bruise
    This impossible year“
  • “There’s never air to breathe
    There’s never in-betweens
    These nightmares always hang on past the dream“ 
  • “There’s no sunshine
    There’s no you and me
    There’s no good times
    This impossible year” 
DEATH OF A BACHELOR STARTER MEMES

[ possibly triggering items below ]

01. Victorious

“Tonight we are victorious.”
“Let me be your killer king.”
“It hurts until it stops; we will love until it’s not.”
“I’m a killing spree in white.”
“My touch is black and poisonous.”
“I know you need it.”
“Do you feel it?”
“Drink the water.”
“Drink the wine.”
“We gotta turn up the crazy; livin’ like a washed up celebrity.”
“It’s all up the sleeve.”
“Fifty words for murder and I’m every one of them.”
“All my friends were glorious.”

02. Don’t Threaten Me With A Good Time

“It’s a helluva feeling though .”
“Who are these people?”
“I just woke up in my underwear.”
“I should probably introduce myself.”
“You shoulda seen what I wore.”
“I was the king of this hologram.”
“Memories tend to just pop up.”
“Don’t think I’ll ever get enough.”
“Champagne, cocaine, gasoline and most things in between.”
“This night is heating up.”
“If you go out you might pass out in a drain pipe.”
“Don’t threaten me with a good time .”
“What are these footprints?”
“Now I wish that I could find my clothes.”
“Can’t even tell if this is a dream.”
“How did we end up in my neighbors pool?”
“I usually don’t fall when I try to stand.”
“I’ve told you time and time again.”
“I’m not as think as you drunk I am.”
“I think we’ve had enough.”        

03. Hallelujah

“A moment you’ll never remember.”
“A night that you’ll never forget.”
“Show praise with your body.”
“And if you can’t stop shaking, lean back; Let it move right through ya.”
“My life started the day I got caught.”
“Who was I tryna be?”
“Then the time for being sad is over.”
“Missin’ them like you miss no other.”
“Being blue is better than being over it.”
“I was drunk and it didn’t mean a thing.”
“Stop thinking about the words from my mouth.”
“I love the things you hate about yourself.”
“Just finish the daydream.”
“Who were you tryna be?”
“No one wants you when you have no heart.”
“You’ll never know if you don’t ever try.”
“Let’s try.”  

04. Emperor’s New Clothes

“Finders keepers, losers weepers.”
“Welcome to the end of eras.”
“Done my time and served my sentence.”
“It must be mine.”
“You just might see a ghost tonight.”
“And if you don’t know now you know.”
“I’m taking back the crown.”
“I’m all dressed up and naked.”
“I see what’s mine and take it.”
“So close I can taste it.”
“I’m so much more than royal.”
“Mortal kings are ruling castles.”
“Welcome to my world of fun.”
“Flip the switch.”
“Watch them run.”
“Heroes will always be remembered.”
“Legends will never die.”

05. Death of a Bachelor

“Do I look lonely?”
“I see the shadows on my face.”
“People have told me I don’t look the same.”
“Maybe I lost weight.”
“Put my heart on your chest so that you can see it too.”
“I’m walking the long road.”
“I’m watching the sky fall.”
“The lace of your dress tingles my neck.”
“How do I live?”
“How could I ask for more?”
“Feels like my heart is going to burst.”
“I just want to be served.”
“And when you think of me, am I the best you’ve ever had?”
“Share one more drink with me.”
“Smile even though you’re sad.”

06. Crazy=Genius

“You can set yourself on fire.”
“You’re so normal that you disappear.”
 “There’s no residue of torture in your eyes.”
“Crazy equals genius.”
“If crazy equals genius, then I’m a fucking rocket scientist.”
“If crazy equals genius, then I’m a fucking arsonist.”
“The wine seems to play tricks on my tongue.”
 “You don’t seem to have changed.”
“The cut of your knife never hurts.”

07. LA Devotee

“You got two black eyes from loving too hard.”
“I wouldn’t change ya.”
“I wouldn’t ever try to make you leave.”
“Just another LA devotee.”
“You got bleached out eyes from the valley sand.”
“I couldn’t ever try to make you see.”
“Always on the hunt for a little more time.”   

08. Golden Days

“I found a pile of Polaroids in the crates from a record shop.”
“They were sexy.”
“Sexy, looking back from a night that time forgot.”
“Don’t you wonder when the light begins to fade?”
“The clock just makes the colors turn to grey.”
“Forever younger growing older just the same.”
“All the memories that we make will never change.”
“We’ll stay drunk, we’ll stay tan.”
“Let the love remain.”
“I bet they met some diplomats on Bianca Jagger’s new yacht.”
“The air was sauna hot.”

09. The Good, The Bad, and The Dirty

“Truth is that it was always going to end.”
“True; all of the good girls act so good, til one of them doesn’t wait their turn .”
“If you wanna start a fight, you better throw the first punch.”
“Make it a good one.”
“You better say my name.”
“I know what it’s like to have to trade the ones that you love for the ones you hate.”
“Don’t think I’ve ever used a day of my education.”
“There’s only two ways that these things can go; good or bad.”
“I’ve got the last judgement.”
“You’ve been gone so long, I forgot what you felt like.”

10. House of Memories

“If you’re a lover, you should know: the lonely moments just get lonelier.”
“Memories turns into a daydream.”
“It becomes a taboo.”
“I don’t want to be afraid.”
“It takes my breath away.”
“Baby, we built this house on memories.”
“Take my picture now.”
“I think of you time to time, more than I thought I would.”
“They’ll always haunt me.”
“I wish I could believe you never wronged me.”
“Will you remember me in the same way I remember you?”
“Promise me a place in your house of memories.”

11. Impossible Year

“There’s no sunshine.”
“Only black days and sky grey and clouds full of fear and storms full of sorrow that won’t disappear.”
“There’s no good times.”
“They’re so insincere.”
“They just intrude and extrude.”
“There’s no you and me.”
“There’s never air to breathe.”
“There’s never in-betweens.”
“These nightmares always hang on past the dream.”  

Song Lyric Prompts

Some prompts may be altered slightly to sound better/fit the request (e.g. prompt may be turned into several different phrases, changed wording, etc.) Ye have been warned.


1. “If your gonna be the death of me that’s how I wanna go.” –Collar Full, Panic! At The Disco

2. “Drugs every corner this is Gotham City / Killer Croc came to kidnap you then cut out your kidney.” –Purple Lamborghini, Skrillex ft. Rick Ross

3. “All the boys and I / All the boys and I / Love her madly.” –All The Boys, Panic! At The Disco

4. “Can’t do this to me baby.” –Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen

5. “I’ll chew you up and I’ll spit you out / Cause that’s what young love is all about.” –Bubblegum Bitch, Marina and the Diamonds

6. “Sometimes quiet is violent.” –Car Radio, Twenty Øne Piløts

7. “What a wonderful caricature of intimacy.” –Build God, Then We’ll Talk, Panic! At The Disco

8. “Choke this love till the veins start to shiver.” –River, BISHOP

9. “I’m scared to get close / And I hate being alone.” –Can You Feel My Heart, Bring Me The Horizon

10. “Holy hands / Well they make me a sinner.” –River, BISHOP

11. “And all the kids cry out / Please stop you’re scaring me / I can’t help this awful energy / God damn right you should be scared of me / Who is in control?” –Control, Halsey

12. “Are you insane like me / Been in pain like me?” –Gasoline, Halsey

13. “If crazy equals genius / I’m a fucking arsonist / I’m a rocket scientist.” –Crazy = Genius, Panic! At The Disco

14. “Why don’t you show me a little bit of spine / You’ve been saving for his mattress, love.” –Dance, Dance, Fall Out Boy

15. “I lost a bet to a guy in a chiffon skirt / But I make these high heels work.” –Don’t Threaten Me With A Good Time, Panic! At The Disco

16. “The higher I get the lower I’ll sink / I can’t drown my demons they know how to swim.” –Can You Feel My Heart, Bring Me The Horizon

17. “This just ain’t livin’.” –Cancer, My Chemical Romance

18. “The normals / They make me afraid / The crazies / They make me feel sane.” –Mad Hatter, Melanie Martinez

19. “I’m fairly local / I’ve been around / I’ve seen the streets / You’re walking down.” –Fairly Local, Twenty Øne Piløts

20. “Our brains are sick but that’s okay.” –Fake You Out, Twenty Øne Piløts

21. “I need a gangsta / To love me better / Than all the others do.” –Gangsta, Kehlani

22. “I’m mean it, I’m okay (trust me) / I’m not okay.” –I’m Not Okay, My Chemical Romance

23. “I’m not as think as you drunk I am.” –Don’t Threaten Me With A Good Time, Panic! At The Disco

24. “Help our souls tonight / We’re losing / Losing this fight.” –Help Our Souls, Nihils

23. “To hang me up now / By my neck / Cause I’m a fate worse than death.” –Sarcasm, Get Scared

24. “I feel like I’m the worst so I always act like I’m the best.” -Oh No!, Marina and the Diamonds

25. “Could you imagine that / If we were gay?” –If We Were Gay, Ninja Sex Party

26. “Glory and gore goes hand in hand / That’s why we’re making headlines.” –Glory and Gore, Lorde

27. “You’re ripped at every edge but you’re a masterpiece.” –Colors, Halsey

28. “You never know the psychopath sitting next to you / You never know the murderer sitting next to you.” –Heathens, Twenty Øne Piløts

29. “Can you save my heavy, dirty, soul?” –HeavyDirtySoul, Twenty Øne Piløts

30. “Those thoughts of past lovers / They’ll always haunt me.” –House of Memories, Panic! At The Disco

31. “When the city goes silent / The ringing in my ears gets violent.” –Jet Pack Blues, Fall Out Boy

32. “You got two black eyes from loving too hard / And a black heart that matches your blackest soul.” –LA Devotee, Panic! At The Disco

33. “I wanna make you shiver / Make your backbone quiver.” –Mercenary, Panic! At The Disco

34. “I do not have writers block / My writer just hates the clock.” –Migraine, Twenty Øne Piløts

35. “Don’t do love / Don’t do friends / I’m only after success.” –Oh No!, Marina and the Diamonds

36. “Make me / Make me impressed / Make me / Make me obsessed.” Pretty Little Psycho, Porcelain Black

37. “I’ve been thinking too much / Help me.” –Ride, Twenty Øne Piløts

38. “My shadow’s the only one who walks beside me.” –Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Green Day

39. “You don’t love me / Big fucking deal.” –Starring Role, Marina and the Diamonds

40. “Don’t you think that it’s boring how people talk?” –Tennis Court, Lorde

41. “Whether near or far / I am always yours.” –The End of All Things, Panic! At The Disco

42. “Am I more than you bargained for yet?” –Sugar We’re Going Down, Fall Out Boy

43. “And I could just die laughing on your spiral of shame.” –Twin Skeletons, Fall Out Boy

44. “If wanna start a fight you better throw the first punch.” –The Good, The Bad, And The Dirty, Panic! At The Disco

45. “You’ll have to watch me struggle from several rooms away / But tonight I need you to stay.” -The Run and Go, Twenty Øne Piløts

46. “Drinking white wine in the blushing light.” –LA Devotee, Panic! At The Disco

47. “That shit is my jam.” –Samurai Abstinence Patrol, Ninja Sex Party

48. “Build a palace out in Paris just to fill with bitches.” –Purple Lamborghini, Skrillex ft. Rick Ross

49. “Your lips / They got me goin’.” –Lips, Marian Hill

50. “You don’t know the half of the abuse.” –Heathens, Twenty Øne Piløts

51. “God, I wish I never spoke.” –Soap, Melanie Martinez

52. “So what are you waiting for / Cause someone could love you more.” –LOST BOY, Troye Sivan

53. “In the Vegas lights / Where feelings spend the weekend.” –Vegas Lights, Panic! At The Disco

54. “Wow, I probably should’ve stayed inside my house.” –The Judge, Twenty Øne Piløts

55. “The windowsill looks really nice, right? / You think twice about your life / It probably happens at night, right?” –Holding Onto You, Twenty Øne Piløts


Feel free to add more or request your own lyrics!

You’re going to find someone new and I tell myself that she won’t love you as much as I do, but maybe she will and it’ll be twice as much. Maybe you’re going to be the happiest you’ve ever been and when you get married and have kids, they’ll look like her and remind you every passing moment of how much you love her. Not me. It could have been me though and the thought haunts me every now and then, but I know I’m not enough for you and you’re not what I deserve either. We are two people that do not walk on the same roads, but always remain somewhere close. I know you’re going to break my heart, but until that day comes where we become unspoken memories, love me. Love me, so I can die knowing that there was a time in my life where I was lucky enough to have been adored by you.

BASTILLE “ VS. ” LYRIC STARTERS

FALL INTO YOUR ARMS

❝ you don’t listen to me anymore. ❞
❝ your voice is a weapon, and we’ll do with it what we can. ❞
❝ i’ll fall into your arms again. ❞

BITE DOWN

❝ you don’t have to look any further. ❞
❝ i’ve been waiting here for you for a time. ❞
❝ you’re missing what is right before your eyes. ❞
❝ no one’s gonna stick the pieces together for you. ❞
❝ you’ve got your claws buried deep. ❞
❝ you better sink your teeth before i disappear. ❞
❝ i’m trying to keep my composure. ❞
❝ you’ve been looking me over. ❞
❝ i’m tired of waving my arms in the back of the line. ❞
❝ there are only so many times that i can come running. ❞
❝ and there are only so many times that i can come running for you. ❞

BAD NEWS

❝ what do you say? ❞
❝ air knocked out of my lungs, your cue to stay. ❞
❝ yeah, that’s your cue to stay. ❞
❝ don’t turn your back on me. ❞
❝ don’t bury your head deep just cause you don’t know what to say. ❞
❝ it’s true that it kicks you in the teeth when you are least expecting. ❞
❝ oh it beats you black and blue before you see it coming. ❞
❝ bad news like a sucker punch threw me away. ❞
❝ people fill the streets like nothing has changed. ❞
❝ they don’t look the same. ❞
❝ maybe i just want some words of distraction. ❞
❝ i feel like i’m being consumed. ❞
❝ maybe i’m expecting the perfect reaction to pull me back. ❞

THE DRIVER

❝ shout out from the bottom of my lungs. ❞
❝ this thing. it’s a family affair. ❞
❝ it’s drawing out my weakness. ❞
❝ there was a time when a moment like this wouldn’t ever cross my mind. ❞
❝ the sun will rise with my name on your lips. ❞
❝ ‘cause everything will change tonight. ❞
❝ i want to be back on the ground where my feet touch my shadow. ❞
❝ i want to dig my heels in the dirt, feel it break between all my toes. ❞
❝ anything to stop floating 'round. ❞
❝ take breath and push the anger down. ❞
❝ try to remember calmness.  ❞
❝ what’s the gravity upon your face? ❞
❝ so i’m the one who’s bleeding. ❞
❝ real men. always thinking with y/our fists. ❞
❝ my turn to be the victim. ❞

AXE TO GRIND

❝ long lost opinions, all the words you can’t redeem. ❞
❝ don’t come round here and be a slave to old ideas. ❞
❝ scream hallelujah if it’s a thing that helps you breathe. ❞
❝ your iron rule has often had me on my knees. ❞
❝ you better sharpen up 'cause all you have is your axe to grind round here.  ❞
❝ breaking the silence like i’m bursting at the seams. ❞
❝ so many stifled thoughts and long forgotten dreams. ❞
❝ i can almost taste reprieve. ❞
❝ keep on talking to yourself. ❞
❝ 'cause no one needs to hear the words your read. ❞
❝ 'cause you’re gonna have to swing that axe round here. ❞

TORN APART PT. I & II

❝ i could only be myself with you around. ❞
❝ and now there’s nothing left for me to think about. ❞
❝ and it hurts like hell. ❞
❝ we were born to be together, torn apart. ❞
❝ you stepped with a heavy tread and left your mark. ❞
❝ oh, you left your mark on me. ❞
❝ it hurts like hell to be torn apart, to be thrown around. ❞
❝ my yin and yang is killin’ me. ❞
❝ gotta get back, back to the synergy. ❞
❝ don’t forget where i been. ❞
❝ but you’re gonna remember. ❞
❝ buddy i, i don’t mean to kill your vibe. ❞
❝ but if you got it, you get it, and i’ve been gettin’ this shit for a long time. ❞
❝ happiness only brings heartache. ❞
❝ i’m so beyond naughty. ❞
❝ and if you don’t like it then why do you want me? ❞
❝ don’t front if i tickle the strings on your heart. ❞
❝ you play second fiddle to my instrumental. ❞
❝ your critical nature departs in the middle of all of my riddles. ❞
❝ you’ve given up trying, and now you just tear me apart. ❞

WEAPON

❝ this is a vocal confession. ❞
❝ right now your cause is at war. ❞
❝ right now your voice is a weapon. ❞
❝ watch all the storms on the rise. ❞
❝ no more falling to pressure. ❞
❝ no more failing acceptance. ❞
❝ throw all your hells towards the heavens. ❞
❝ we dance with the devils and make your halos the color of sinners’ portraits. ❞
❝ and smothering it means everything’s lovely again. ❞
❝ nothing’s quite as it seems. ❞
❝ society’s altered, you see. ❞
❝ kill all your fear in your sleep. ❞
❝ cause everything’s formed in a dream. ❞
❝ breathe in insanity’s grip. ❞
❝ those are words from insanity’s lips. ❞
❝ we’re falling from sanity’s cliff. ❞
❝ you’re watching your vanity slip. ❞
❝ run before the evil erupts. ❞
❝ this is volcanic feverish lust. ❞
❝ vengeance is me speaking up. ❞
❝ this is me speaking up. ❞
❝ choose your words and etch them on your soul. ❞
❝ make them heard when crowds drown out your call. ❞
❝ leave behind your questions, silent thoughts and mentions. ❞
❝ a wake has to be left, so never falter down. ❞
❝ so do with it what you can. ❞

REMAINS

❝ i came here for sanctuary. ❞
❝ to be away from the winds and the sounds of the city. ❞
❝ i came here to get some peace. ❞
❝ yes, way down here where the shadows are heavy. ❞
❝ i can’t help but think of you. ❞
❝ in these four walls, my thoughts seem to wonder. ❞
❝ to some distant century where everyone we know is six feet under. ❞
❝ so when all of your friends are dead and just a memory, and we’re side by side? ❞
❝ it’s always been just you and me for all to see. ❞
❝ when our lives are over and all that remains are our skulls and bones, let’s take it to the grave. ❞
❝ hold me in your arms. ❞
❝ i’ll be buried here with you. ❞
❝ i’ll hold in these hands all that remains. ❞
❝ i don’t want to rest in peace. ❞
❝ we can haunt each other’s dreams. ❞
❝ we’ll fight underneath this surf, bicker away in the darkness. ❞
❝ we’ll find our way to result away from the lands of the living. ❞
❝ we’ll find a common ground and fall in love all over again. ❞
❝ all of our friends are dead and just a memory. ❞
❝ from dusk 'til dawn, the other’s screams grow silent  ❞
❝ i know i chased a memory. ❞
❝ but you used to taste so sweet. ❞
❝ as you faded away, i realized it’s all over. ❞
❝ nothing stays the same. ❞

46 Quotes from David John Tennant ❤️❤️:

1. “I see nothing wrong with having an unhealthy obsession with something.”

2. “If they find what they expect, the physicists will party, if not, the physicists will party anyway, physicists are odd like that.”

3. “The audience is the final cast member.”

4. “I was still just the wee boy frae Paisley.”

5. “When you think about it, many aspects of how we look, the way we act…” [looks in mirror] “Or my insufferable vanity, are determined genetically.”

6. [while nuzzling the fur of Arthur the horse, which he is severely allergic to] “Are you going to be my friend?”

7. “Science is as much the pursuit of beauty as it is the pursuit of truth.”

8. “How long can you keep smiling?”

9. “The Doctor is based on who I would be if I had more confidence and didn’t care so much about what people think.”

10. “It’s time to positively rebellious and rebelliously positive.”

11. “I’m only looking at the twinkle of their soul in the starlight.”

12. “I suppose It’s only boring if you don’t have a washing machine.”

13. “Everything’s scripted! The air molecules are scripted!”

14. “We’re just matter. We can dream of flying across the universe, but what it comes down to is just a hunk of bone… The trouble with a cliché is that it loses its meaning.”

15. “But I wasn’t talking to myself. I was making up stories.”

16. “Everyone everywhere has the right to be happy and free… There are so many of us humans squeezing onto this wee planet and there’s no TARDIS coming to spirit us away. We have to look out for each other.”

17. “If I had to be stuck in a parallel universe with one fandom it would be the Doctor Who fans. I think they’re the cleverest. Quickest wits in the internet.”

18. “Sometimes I’m haunted by it, sometimes I’m enlivened by it, sometimes it weighs me down, and other times it’s like a drug and I can’t wait for the next sniff.”

19. “85.3 percent of actors are down-to-earth and reasonable.”

20. “You have to be careful with Shakespeare, because people tend to know it.”

21. “Some of my earliest memories are of being tucked up in bed while mum or dad read to me.“

22. "I have no real ambitions, just to live and fulfill myself, whatever that means.”

23. [about falling down on set all the time] “I would always get up and keep going, but nobody else would.”

24. “I don’t think anyone that is perceived as a villain sees themself as a villain.”

25. “A perfect idea, I suppose, it fires the imagination in such a particular way. Something to do with the fantastic and the futuristic coming together. The TARDIS is the most extraordinary vehicle you could imagine and it’s wrapped up in a scruffy blue phone box. The Doctor is the most clever, extraordinary being, and yet he is scrappy and anarchic. There is something more identifiable with the geek hero. We have to accept that somethings are sprinkled with fairy dust and we won’t know why.”

26. “If you could isolate the elements that turn something into gold you would be an alchemist, wouldn’t you?”

27. “A long table scattered with scripts, water bottles, and paper name plates stretched the whole length of the room. What felt like hundreds of people milled about expectantly, chatting, checking Blackberries, casting sideways glances as I tried to keep breathing and affect an air of insouciant calm.”

28. “In a suburban house in Paisley, a wee boy was sticky-taping his oft-snapped spectacles back together. He couldn’t remember a time when they hadn’t been augmented with at least one area of peeling sellotape.”

29. “I’ve always seen theatre as my natural mode of being.”

30. “I love you all passionately… And possibly carnally.”

31. “I would get to the point where I was rehearsing what I was going to say next: ‘excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, terribly sorry, but I need to go throw up in the dressing room.’”

32. “I’ve chosen to follow my own spirit.”

33. “Shakespeare’s plots and characters are catnip to actors… It sings to us.”

34. “I’ve been to lots of alien planets. You’d be surprised how many of them look like quarries in Wales.”

35. “There is quite a lot of science in Doctor Who, some accurate science, some of it quite elevated, and some of it that’s completely made up.”

36. “I’m always chasing the script that I need to be worthy of.”

37. “I would wander around, pretending to be all the characters. My parents would tell lots of stories of me wandering around the garden, talking to myself.”

38. “I was the one delivering flowers for people who were in actual relationships with actual human beings.”

39. “He’s cleverer than me, he’s quicker witted than I am, he’s more intelligent than me, he’s a better sword fighter than I am… I like to think I have at least a twinkle of all those qualities.”

40. “It’s difficult to describe your own personality… Happy, mostly, maybe a bit bewildered.”

41. “Suddenly, and quite without warning, there was a rupture in the fabric of space and time.”

42. “I thought that would be a very witty and expedient way to exit the room.”

43. “Other hair products are available.”

44. “I always get worried when adults say children don’t understand the difference between reality and fiction, because they do understand.”

45. “Hopefully I’m not as pathetic as I think I am at four in the morning.”

46. “A dream, while it’s happening, is as real and valid an experience as anything else. Until it stops.”

Ryden Theory

This is a compilation of evidence confirming the very popular sun and moon theory (and overall ryden). Basically, the theory is that Panic! At The Disco’s Brendon Urie and Ryan Ross have a romantic relationship, which they hint at in songs through the titles ‘sun’ (Brendon) and ‘moon’ (Ryan). I will prove this theory to be true using lyrics from Ryan’s solo music, Panic! Lyrics, lyrics from songs released by Ryan’s band ‘The Young Veins,’ and general background knowledge of the bands. I do not mean to offend anyone, and I am not saying this is fact. I just know us fangirls need some hope, so I’m gathering it all into one (soft and) neat pile. I understand that Brendon is happily married, and this is only for fun.
Let’s begin:
 
A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out:
This was the band’s first album, meaning Ryan and Brendon had not known each other as long, and may not have been together yet. So, understandably, there are no sun and moon references in this album.
Pretty. Odd.:
1- Nine In The Afternoon- “And your eyes are the size of the moon.” This is a simple reference to the moon, but considering it is mentioned in a song that refers to the people in the song as lovers (“feeling as good as lovers can”), it can be seen as evidence.
2- Do You Know What I’m Seeing?- “Clouds are marching along,” “I never gave a damn about the weather and it never gave a damn about me,” and “birds are just hollow words.” All of these lyrics are describing things that can be found in the sky, as if the song is from the point of view of something in the sky, like a sun or a moon. Also, if you really wanna stretch it, you could take the lyric “if I go to hell, will you come with me” as evidence. Going to hell is going down, and something that lives in the sky might see earth as hell.
3- I Have Friends In Holy Spaces- “I’d like it a lot more than you think, if the sun would come out and sing with me.” Ryan sings very rarely, but after this song, Ryan has some important vocal parts. Sure, Ryan is the moon, so that doesn’t make too much sense, but it seems too perfect to be a coincidence.
4- Northern Downpour- “Hey moon, please forget to fall down.” It says moon, and I’m not gonna try to look any farther into the lyrics because I don’t understand what sugarcane and weather vanes have to do with anything.
5- When The Day Met The Night- “When the moon fell in love with the sun,” “When the sun found the moon,”and “All was golden when the day met the night.” This song is the best piece of evidence for this theory. The entire song is just telling the love story of the sun and the moon. Also, in a live version of the song, Brendon accidentally used male pronouns for both the sun and the moon.
6- She Had The World- “Spun the stars on her fingernails,” “When I look in her eyes, well I, just see the sky,” and “the sun was always in her eyes.” The entire song makes many references to the sky, which is a clue in itself, but the song also specifically says that they see the sun in the person’s eyes.
7- Mad As Rabbits- (Evidence of ryden, not sun and moon) “Paul Cates” and “Reinvent love.” Paul Cates is an lgbt activist, and reinvent love is referring to lgbt relationships, like ryden.
 
Vices And Virtues:
This is the album after Ryan left, so almost none of this evidence is sun and moon, and instead just Brendon being salty af.
1- The Ballad Of Mona Lisa- “Say what you mean, tell me I’m right, and let the sun rain down on me.” I take this as Brendon being angry that Ryan left, and saying ‘Well forget our sun and moon thing’ by using it in spite of him.
2- Let’s Kill Tonight- Let me begin this by saying, I thought this song was talking about having a hell of a night, but he might be saying ‘let’s murder Ryan tonight.’ I’ll take it piece by piece. “Make room! We’re taking over here.” Everyone says Ryan left because of musical differences, so Brendon might be saying that he is finally taking control of the band and doing what he wants with it. “Cold and alone, it suits you well.” This is probably Brendon teasing Ryan by saying that he will be alone because he no longer has Brendon. “May your feet serve you well, and the rest be sent to hell.” His feet serving him well is referring to him walking out on the band, and the other part is just him telling him to go to hell. “Where they have always belonged.” He is telling Ryan he belongs in hell. “Cold hearts brew colder songs.” This honestly might be a crack at Ryan’s songwriting skills. “Let’s kill tonight.” Basically, he wants to murder Ryan.
3- Hurricane- “You’re behind my eyelids when I’m all alone.” He still thinks about Ryan, but he is ashamed of that. “I want you to catch me like a cold.” He wants to be held in Ryan’s arms. “Give me peace, Oh, kiss me.” He wants Ryan to kiss him. Pretty obvious.
4- Memories- “She was the youngest of the family, and the last to be let go.” Brendon is the youngest band member and will be the last original member to be let go because everyone else left poor bden. “When they decided they would try to make it on their own.” Jon and Ryan decided to try and make music on their own. “When July became December, their affection fought the cold.” Ryan left in July, so maybe Ryan and Brendon tried to stay together after he left, but it slowly became harder because of touring and being in different bands. “They were young and independent, And they thought they had it planned, Should have known right from the start, you can’t predict the end.” Ryan and Brendon thought they would be together forever, but they did not.
5- Trade Mistakes- I feel like Brendon wrote this song from Ryan’s POV after he left Panic! Keep that in mind when reading the lyrics. “If I ever leave, I could learn to miss you, but ‘sentimental boy’ is my nom de plume.” A nom de plume is a pseudonym. So, he may be saying, Ryan seems emotionally cold, but he really does miss Brendon after leaving. “If I trade mistakes for sheep.” This is saying that leaving panic! Was a mistake on Ryan’s part.
6- Always- “I’m a fly that’s trapped in a web, but I’m thinking that, my spider’s dead.” He is saying that he is in love (caught in a web), but the spider is never going to come end his suffering (Ryan will never come back.) The song overall is a hopeless song of unrequited love that seems to perfectly fit the emotions Brendon would be feeling after his boyfriend left him.
7- Sarah Smiles- “I was fine just a guy living on my own, waiting for the sky to fall.” This is saying that he was all alone, waiting for the moon to come back. (I died when I figured that one out.)
8- Nearly Witches- “Marching clocks.” This is a lyric from Behind The Sea, so Brendon is referencing Ryan’s lyrics. (This lyric was one added by Brendon, so it was not from the demo.) “As a girl.” He was trying so hard to make it sound like he wasn’t talking about Ryan that it has the opposite effect. “Trembling hands play my heart like a drum but the beats gotten lost in the show.” This is saying that Ryan (a musician) used to love Brendon, but now Brendon wasn’t so sure if he did.
9- Stall Me- “Why would you bring me in if you knew what you’d become?” Brendon is asking why Ryan would ever start their relationship if he knew he was going to leave the band. “So curse everyone and everything, even the sun.” I think Brendon is saying that he hates everything, even himself.
10- Kaleidoscope Eyes- “I’ll still be here, wishing and waiting for you to come home.” Does that even need explaining?
 
Too Weird To Live, Too Rare To Die:
At this point, Brendon is in a very serious relationship (which became marriage in April of the year this album was released), so he had no references to Ryan. If you look really far into it (which I have done), you will find evidence, but it makes me sound like a crazy conspiracist.
Death Of A Bachelor:
1- House of Memories- “Memories turn into daydreams.” He is referencing the song Memories, saying that the pain that comes with remembering Ryan has faded. “When your fantasies. Become your legacies, promise me a place, in your house of memories.” He is saying that whenever Ryan becomes big in the music industry (hopefully), Brendon wants Ryan to remember him. “I think of you from time to time, more than I thought I would.” Brendon continues to think about Ryan, even six years after Ryan left. “Thoughts of past lovers, they’ll always haunt me.” Brendon continues on the idea of Ryan ‘haunting’ him, which originates in the song Nearly Witches.
 
And that is the end of Panic! They have not released music since that album, and I’m sure if they did, it has been so long that they would provide no new evidence. So, now we shall move on to the most depressing segment, but the section that contains really convincing evidence. Ryan Ross’ solo music!
Ryro’s Solos:
1- Lonely Moonlight- “The sun went down.” He lost Brendon. “Another day I lost, filled with regret.” He regrets leaving Panic! “I wandered through the sunshine, remembering when you were mine.” He is remembering whenever the sun was his. “Lonely moonlight.” A lonely moon lets off lonely moonlight, and he is very lonely without Brendon. “When I had a younger heart, you told me not to fear the dark.” When he was younger, Brendon(the sun)’s light lit his way. Also known as Brendon helped him through tough times. “Someone I love, loves someone else.” Brendon married Sarah four months before this song was released. That makes this song even more heartbreaking.
2- At Your Window- “Then it’s been dark since the sun came up, and now that your window’s shut.” By saying that his window is shut, Ryan is trying to say that Brendon is shutting out the moon, or cutting all ties with Ryan, and ignoring him. “And I find myself outside, at your window in the night.” The moon is outside everyone’s window at night, so I think Ryan is saying that he still finds himself wanting to be Brendon’s moon. “Through the sun, I see where I come from.” He mentions the sun again. (like, Ryan, isn’t this a little much. Why don’t you just scream an admission of your love for Brendon?) “Throw a stone at your home do you really even live here.” Once again, he is being ignored by Brendon Urie.
3- I’m down- “We got down.” This might be saying that they are no longer the sun and the moon because they left the sky. Also the title of the song is evidence because Ryan might be referring to the lyric ‘hey moon, don’t you you go down’ from Northern Downpour. That title might be a way of saying that things are really over because the moon has gone down.
4- Where I Belong- “If you wanna see the sun, you’re gonna have to dig your way out.” If he wants Brendon back, he is gonna have to work hard to get back into Panic!. “I’m done with the dark.” He wants his sun back. “I know I should’ve never left.” He wishes he hadn’t left Panic! (I know that isn’t ryden proof but whatever)
 
And now for The Young Veins Section.
 
The beautiful music The Young Veins created before their tragic death (the band not the members Ryro and Jon are alive):
1- Maybe I Will, Maybe I Won’t- “At least will you come visit me.” Ryan wants Brendon to at least try and make their relationship work.
2- Everyone, But You- “She comes to me when I dream, I’m tired of counting sheep to see her, I sleep because I need her, And everybody knows it but you, But you.” He is basically saying that he dreams about Brendon and misses him, but Brendon is the only one who doesn’t know that.
3- Take A Vacation- “If this is settling down, then why aren’t you here?” It is hitting Ryan that he and Brendon will not be together forever. “We’ll leave the waves at the ocean,” and “and leave the sand in a suitcase, so we don’t forget the fun,” both connect to the fact that Brendon left his virginity on a beach in North Carolina. A beach, might I add, that him and Ryan were both swimming at least half naked in. Plus, Ryan posted a romantic poem that night about kissing at the beach. I need to post a separate theory all about the ocean.
4- The Young Veins (Die Tonight)- Ryan said this song was written before he and Jon had left Panic! He also said he was having girl (Brendon) problems at the time. “Is ‘young’ a word for ‘dumb,’ a word for ‘fun’?” He and Brendon were young, and he feels stupid that they ever thought things would work out between them. “But if I were to die tonight, Would you cry or deny, My place in your life?” Brendon may have been ashamed of being with Ryan, so Ryan wondered if Brendon even cared. “I’m aware that you’re scared, Of my heart, but it’s here.” They were both young when romantic lyrics began appearing in their songs, so Brendon may have been overwhelmed by being in love that soon. He might have been scared of being in a serious relationship. “The shame is enough to separate us.” We all know that Brendon is very accepting of every sexuality, but he may have been more hesitant back then. “It really hurts when it’s wrong.” Once again, they may have been ashamed of being in a relationship with another man.
5- Dangerous Blues- “All I do is lie by the ocean side.” Once again, this may be referring to the fact that Ryan and Brendon most likely had sex for the first time the same night that they visited a beach. “Step outside your door, and go to the shore.” This is also probably about Brendon and him having sex at the ocean.
6- Lie To The Truth- “I know I broke your heart, Mine is broken too, Now if we’re even, Then why are we both blue?” He may be saying that he broke Brendon’s heart by leaving, and he broke his own heart as well, so why don’t they just stop hurting each other and try to make things work.
7- Heart of Mine- “If I could ask for anything, I’d only want my girl… I had to leave her all alone.” Dude. He left Brendon when he left Panic!… Dude.
 
I will post a separate theory for the Myrtle Beach theory if anyone wants me to. Leave a comment if you want me to post any other Panic! theories or if you have anything to say about this theory.

Maybe, for as long as I live, seeing your name will get my heart racing,

Maybe, just the thought of me still being on your mind, even if it’s only when you see a sunflower, will haunt me forever more.

Maybe, a little piece of my heart will always yearn for you,

But it’s my choice,

Maybe I can’t control the way I feel, but that doesn’t mean I’ll let even the memory of you control my future.

—  Excerpt from a book I’ll never write
Insomnia - Loki x Reader

Originally posted by avengers-of-mirkwood

Summary: In which (Y/N) has nightmares and can’t sleep, so Loki keeps her company, even if she doesn’t want it.

Pairing: Loki x Reader

Word count: 1.9k

Warning: tbh none really

A/N: Requests are open and I absolutely am open to anything (as long as it isn’t morally wrong)! I love speaking to you guys and receiving any type of feed back so please don’t hesitate to send an ask or message (:

- UPLOADING TWICE TODAY BECAUSE I COULDN’T YESTERDAY -

Masterlist

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The angel is still getting used to his new body. He feels soft, fragile, weak. He can only assume the human he calls his lover is even more so. He touches them gently, afraid that his former strength might return and that they might break under his hands. He learns that it will not, that he will be painfully soft and weak for as long as this life lasts.

It is not so bad, he thinks after a while. He has learned that the teeth and nails of his new body are strong enough to sate him, and he takes comfort in knowing that they are happy to bear the marks of his discovery. He whispers his pride to his beloved, “You have been claimed by an angel.”

His curiosity gets the better of him sometimes. He wants to know more, to explore the limits of this body that still feels foreign to him. So he whispers again, still afraid his voice will deafen them, “Teach me.”

He will not speak of Heaven often. The memories haunt him at night, plaguing him while he sleeps. He complains of pains in his spine where he is still convinced wings should be. His beloved asks what troubles him, and he cannot find the words to explain the true extent of the ache. After a moment, he whispers, “It hurts.”

In the quiet moments, he muses on a word that has always bothered him. Curled against the soft form of the human he loves, he remembers the association of it with pain and resentment. He remembers how it can mean something beautiful to a human. It is still quiet. His beloved sleeps, soft limbs entangled with his, radiant in that fragile, wonderful human way he has come to adore. He whispers a realization to them:

“I would fall a thousand times to fall in love with you.”

To me Black Sails will always be the story of how James Flint fell in love with John Silver, fiercely, desperately. And of how Silver didn’t come to realize that until it was too late, until he was sad and lonely and unfulfilled in his comfortable life. 
Of how Silver lived the rest of his life haunted by the memory of his mistakes, and by the regret of what could’ve been. Of how Silver started missing James so much that he had to get a parrot and name it after him in order to have someone to talk to, in order not to talk to the void, to a memory, to a ghost.

Shape of You

Alright so here’s the start of a new AU!

Nesta hasn’t seen her sisters in almost a year. When she’s invited back to their lake house for a long weekend, Feyre insists she brings the boyfriend she’s told her about. The only problem is, he doesn’t exist. 

So out of desperation, her friend sets her up with Cassian. Somehow a weekend filled with fake hand holding and kisses, turns Nesta back into the girl she was before Tomas had destroyed her and the relationship she had with her sisters.



Chapter 1

“Fuck. Fuck, fuck,” I slammed my laptop shut as I threw my pen across the room. Of course my sisters would decide to have a start of summer weekend at the lake. And of course they would call me out for the lies I told them about the boy I met while here in the city.

It had been almost six months since I had last seen my sisters. I moved to the city as soon as I could, as soon as I found a job that would help me pay my half of the rent. I wanted out of that small town, I had to walk away before the memories, the ghosts haunted me forever. The city was my fresh start and even though neither of them understood, they let me go.

Feyre and I talked at least once a month on the phone. She kept asking me how I was doing and she told me that Tomas still asked about me. What she didn’t understand, even though I always changed the subject, was that I didn’t want to know about Tomas. I didn’t want to know about anyone in that small ass town because they were the reason why I left. The only reason I talked to Feyre was to check up on her and Elain.

They were the only family I had left. They were the only ones who mattered.

Sure I missed them. I missed my sisters, but it wasn’t enough to make me go visit home. I wasn’t homesick, I was content here in the city, in this new life I had made for myself. I loved my job at the bookstore. I loved the fact that I could walk everywhere and that things were open well into the night. But most of all I loved the fact that no one knew me. They didn’t know the secrets that had been whispered behind my back. They didn’t know how Tomas had tried to ruin me.

They didn’t know that he had almost won that war.

I read Feyre’s email again. Our lake house, the only thing our father had left to us. The lake house that had sat unused for years until we were old enough to realize the benefits of having that big house that sat right there at the water. The only reason we still owned it was because it was completely paid off. That and somehow Feyre and her fiancee were able to keep up with it.

The lake house where so many things had happened. So many things hadn’t happened too. There had been parties, there had been underage drinking. But mostly there had been tears. From me.

I pushed away those memories and looked at my computer. What was I supposed to do? I had started the lie to make my sister feel better. For her to think I wasn’t all alone out here in the city. Because she didn’t understand that I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to be with someone who hurt me, who could destroy me. Not after I had been with Tomas for so long.

But I couldn’t tell her that truth. Not when I had fed her enough lies to make this boyfriend seem real. She was happy for me, she didn’t worry about me because she thought I had someone taking care of me. I didn’t need someone to take care of me. Just like I knew Feyre didn’t need her fiancee to take care of her. But it was nice knowing she had someone steady. She had someone real after the horrors that Tamlin had dealt her.

My sisters didn’t know about Tomas. They didn’t really know much about why I wanted to leave. It had been different when our parents died. I could’ve left and they would’ve understood. But I stayed until they were finished high school and then when Feyre announced she was getting married last year I up and left. I didn’t even say goodbye I just left a letter explaining I needed to find my own way now that they were both able to take care of themselves.

I pulled my hair hard, trying to stop the tears from filling my eyes. I didn’t cry, not easily. But I got teary eyed when I was frustrated. I couldn’t tell them the truth. So what was I supposed to do? I squeezed my eyes shut and the door to my apartment opened.

“Fuck me this can’t be happening.”

“Nesta!” I jumped at Rita’s voice, “you seem agitated.”

I met my roommate Rita at the bookstore. She was leaving for another job and I said something about needing a place to stay. We hit it off right away and I didn’t hate living with her. Sure our apartment was small, smaller than the home I had shared with my two sisters. But it was ours, I paid rent and I had my own room. Rita didn’t nag me about my mess and I didn’t nag her about hers.

We were good roommates. We got along and we left each other alone when we knew the other needed space. We were friends, but we were almost roommates. We didn’t get in each other’s business unless there was a reason to. I had gotten lucky.

I groaned, "my sisters want to have a long weekend at the lake.”

“Oh fun!”

“Not when you’ve been lying about having a boyfriend. And they want you to bring him along.”

Rita laughed, “oh shit I forgot. Damn what are you going to do?”

I shook my head, “I’ll think of something.”

I leaned back in my chair and Rita watched me. She raised an eyebrow and smiled, “I might know someone who can help.”

“No. The last guy you introduced me to was disgusting.”

His name was Adam and he was a hipster to end all hipsters. His hair was dirty and his glasses were round. They didn’t even have frames, and he spoke in riddles. I didn’t even spend five minutes in his presence. I found an excuse to leave, I texted Rita and told her to call me, and up and left him high and dry at the coffee shop we met at.

Rita laughed, “I’m sorry okay. I thought you’d get along. But you’ll like this one. Should I have him meet you? Even if he’s not the brightest, he’s easy on the eyes.”

She wiggled her eyebrows at me and I couldn’t help but laugh. I bit my lip, was I that desperate?

“Really? Your advice is that I hire someone to be my boyfriend for the weekend?”

She shrugged as she set her bag on the counter, “it’s either that or tell them the truth, Nes. I’m not sure which is worse since you seem so opposed to letting your sisters believe you have someone in your life.”

I winced. Rita never told me what to do, she never scolded me for lying to my sisters. But I knew she was right. If I was so okay with being alone, and I swore I was, then why did I feel the need to please my little sister? I’m sure there was some therapist who would say I really wasn’t okay being alone and that some part of me wanted someone around.

But I wouldn’t believe them. Because I didn’t need anyone, I only needed myself. But I didn’t want my sisters to worry. I didn’t want them to think I left them because they were a burden. They are my sisters and I will always be there for them. But it’s my turn to have a life. It’s my turn to find where I’m supposed to be.

I looked at Rita, she was texting someone. She sat down on the couch and I looked at the picture of the three of us. The only picture I had on my desk of us when I was five and they were babies. I was always there, always taking care of them. They were my best friends, before that night drove us apart. Before that night pushed me so far away from everyone else that I couldn’t find my way back to them.

I didn’t want them to ask about it. I didn’t want them to think they needed to figure me out. If I had someone with me they would direct the attention to him. They would ask him about his life and how we met and what we did, instead of berating me with questions about why I left.

I let out a slow breath and Rita looked at me. She smiled slightly, like she already knew what I was about to say. My cheeks were red as I let the thoughts settle and I nodded my head slowly.

“Fine,” I gritted my teeth as I looked at the clock, “tell your friend to meet me at Luke’s diner in five minutes.”

“He’s already on his way. Trust me you’ll like him. He’s big and handsome,” her eyes got wide as if she had a crush on him herself, “he’s just your type.”

I rolled my eyes and stood up, “if he’s a hipster I swear to god I’ll kill you.”

Rita’s laugh followed me as I grabbed my purse and headed out the door. I walked down the steps, my heart pounding as I opened the door to our building. The sun was warm, the weather had already started to turn to summer. But goosebumps pricked my skin as I thought about hiring someone to lie to my family.

It wasn’t lying. It was pretending. My sister would bring her fiancee, I’m sure Elain had someone. I couldn’t remember if she told me about someone important. His name started with an L? Or maybe it was a C. She didn’t talk much whenever Feyre put her on the phone, but she told me bits and pieces of her life. Elain was the most upset when they found me gone.

I felt guilty every time she called.

But I knew with Feyre came Rhys and with Rhys came his friends. Azriel the quiet one who followed Rhys’s cousin everywhere she went. Feyre told me they were finally opening up to the idea of dating and while I was happy for them all, they were one big happy family, I knew that meant I would be the odd one out. I always was the odd one out, the one who didn’t fit in. The girl who stood alone and never had someone there beside her.

I wanted this weekend, now that I knew about it, to be fun. I wanted them to see me as the Nesta I always was, not the girl I had turned into after that terrible night. The night I was running from. The night I would do anything and everything to forget.

I rubbed my hands up and down my arms as I rounded the corner and the diner came into view. I realized as I walked towards it that I wanted to go home. I wanted to go to the lake and see my sisters and the family they had made for themselves. But I didn’t want to go alone.

Sue me I still had some feelings. I still had some pride I suppose.

I walked into the diner and the bell above the door sounded. Luke, the owner, stood behind the counter and smiled at me. I nodded in greeting, my eyes sweeping the tables. I knew which one was waiting for me as soon as my eyes landed on him. I stood there for a moment too long and contemplated turning around.

He was a big hulking man, his dark hair was long. He looked warm, his skin glowing in the harsh lights of the diner. His black shirt fit perfectly over his arms and his chest. He took up enough space that my eyes couldn’t wander away from them if they tried. My heart stopped, his eyes landing on me before I could make a run for it. Before I could decide this was a terrible choice and I should just tell my sisters the truth.

“Well hello sweetheart,” he stood up and half his mouth tilted in a smile. He could’ve been attractive, if he cut his hair.

I pulled my chair out, “I’m Nesta.”

He licked his lips, “you can call me Cassian,” his eyes sparkled. Like they were hiding something he was dying for me to find out.

“Right well. I take it Rita told you why I’m here.”

He coughed, “something about you being in need of a male escort to the lake this weekend.”

I winced, “a friend,” I tried wondering if I could go through with this, “to make my sisters stop asking me why I don’t have a boyfriend okay? Can you do that? Pretend?”

Amusement filled his eyes. He tried to fight the smile that tugged at his lips, but when it didn’t stop he ran his finger along his chin. He looked down at his hands and I could tell he was thinking about more than just agreeing to helping me. Hell we didn’t know each other, we had just met and I asked him to date me. Even if it was fake, even if he was helping me, this was still weird.

Me and my stupid pride. I was about to take back the offer and tell him to forget it, that I had a mental breakdown and this was all just the biggest embarrassing moment of my life.

But then Cassian nodded slowly, “you know I’m surprise you don’t have a boyfriend. You’re cute and I know a few guys who like bossy.”

I rolled my eyes, “wow that was super helpful,” I glared at him, my hands were shaking. I shoved them under my legs as I waited to hear his answer, “you can just say no. Rita said you were single and I thought maybe you’d want a free trip to the lake for a weekend. I thought maybe…”

I stopped. I almost thought we could be friends. But I bit my lip hard enough to taste blood, stopping myself form wishing for something I could never have. I didn’t let myself get close to people, not after Tomas wedged between me and my sisters. Not since that night when he destroyed all the threads of trust I had ever had.

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t help you. I just said I’m surprised you aren’t taken,” he smiled then, he liked watching me squirm. He leaned back and stretched his arms over his head. His shirt rode up slightly and I saw the dark markings of a tattoo that disappeared beneath the waistband of his jeans.

“Cassian.”

He wiggled his eyebrows, “well how can I say no when you say my name like that?”

He watched me for a moment as relief flooded through me. As much as I hated this I felt better once he said he would help me. I hated having to lie because everyone thought I couldn’t handle life without Tomas. Except I broke up with him. And I moved here, far away from my family to have the life I wanted.

"What do I get for helping you?” He finally asked, his deep voice smooth as he propped his elbow on the table, then leaned his head on his hand. He kept staring at me and it felt like his honey brown eyes could see into my soul.

I looked down at his hands. His skin was golden, a little darker. He looked like he was carved of stone, like he could’ve been a Greek god in another lifetime. A piece of brown hair fell in his eyes and I wanted to push it back. I let out a breath. I hadn’t thought this far.

“I’ll pay you,” I finally said. I didn’t have a lot but I could do something, “it won’t be much. But you’ll get a four day weekend at the lake house. Meals and showers and everything included.”

Cassian seemed to think it over. He nodded his head, "how much?”

“$100.”

“I know I look cheap, but I won’t act like your boyfriend for a hundred dollars, Nesta.”

“$200?”

He shook his head, “you’ll have to do better than that.”

I blew out a breath, “$500. That’s my final offer.”

He reached across the table and touched my hand. His skin was warm and a spark shot down my arm. He ran his thumb over the back of my hand, “well sweetheart you’ve got yourself a deal.”

“Don’t call me sweetheart,” I snapped. My eyes narrowed.

He laughed, “well I guess we should make some ground rules.”

“The first one is no pet names. Nesta,“ I pointed at me, "Cassian. Got it?”

He sighed, “sure sweetheart.”

He wasn’t going to make this easy. I could tell as he continued to smile, his eyes lighting up as I glared at him. It was like he thought I was a challenge, like he wanted to defy everything I was saying. He licked his lips, his fingers tapping on the table as I thought through what other boundaries we needed to establish. I didn’t realize this would all happen so fast. The weekend would be here in two days and somehow I had managed to find myself a boyfriend to fill the empty role.

Feyre would love Cassian. He was everything I would never want in a boyfriend. He was the complete opposite of Tomas and I couldn’t stop letting that sway me. He was big and dark, whereas Tomas was small and light. Cassian was full of mystery, but not the kind that Tomas carried with him. Cassian seemed honorable, Tomas had just been pure evil.

I let out a slow breath and pulled my hands off the table so he wouldn’t try to touch me again. I couldn’t stop feeling that spark going down my spine. I couldn’t stop wondering why exactly I had wanted this in the first place. I shook my head and finally brought my eyes back up to his.

“Okay so I’ve got some rules. First we hold hands if someone else is in the room. No touching if we’re alone, because honestly there’s no reason for it. You’re there to make me look good. You can kiss my cheek, but nothing more. We aren’t big on public displays of affection. My sister and her fiancé are, but that’s another story,” I rolled my eyes. Feyre and Rhys could barely keep their hands off each other. I hated being stuck in a room with them.

My cheeks turned pink and my mouth went dry, “we will probably have to share a room, you sleep on the floor. We don’t share the room if the other is changing. Make sure you bring enough clothes to sleep in and a bathing suit.”

Cassian nodded, "fine. But you want this to be believable. So you’re forgetting one thing.”

“What?”

He smiled and it would’ve knocked me to my knees if I wasn’t already sitting. I had a feeling I wasn’t going to make it through the weekend alive. I had a feeling this new friend of mine was going to try and climb the walls I had built this last year. Like he thought he could break down the shell I had surrounded myself inside.

HIs brown eyes danced as he looked at me, his crooked smile in place, ”the story of how we met.“