the mag minute

2

Im sobbing in every language known  to man

Lass mir dir eins sagen, was du bereits weißt. Die Welt besteht nicht nur aus Sonnenschein und Regenbogen. Es ist ein wirklich gemeiner und fieser Ort und mich interessiert nicht wie raff du bist, es wird dich zu Boden schlagen und dort bleibst du wenn du es zulässt. Du, ich oder sonst wer kann nicht so hart zuschlagen wie das Leben. Aber es geht nicht darum wie hart du zuschlagen kannst. Es geht darum wie hart du geschlagen werden kannst und trotzdem auf deinem Weg bleibst. Wie viel du einstecken kannst und trotzdem weiter gehst. So gewinnt man. Schmerz ist temporär. Er mag für eine Minute, für eine Sekunde, oder für ein Jahr halten. Aber irgendwann wird er nachlassen und Platz für etwas Neues schaffen. Wenn ich jedoch aufgebe, hält es ewig. Das Spielraum um nicht zu versagen ist so klein. Ein halben Schritt zu spät oder zu früh und es reicht nicht aus. Eine halbe Sekunde zu langsam oder zu schnell und du fängst ihn nicht. Die Zentimeter die wir brauchen umgeben uns jeder Zeit. Sie stecken in jeder Pause des Spiels, jeder Minute, jeder Sekunde. Wenn du einen Traum hast, dann beschütze ihn. Wenn die Menschen etwas selbst nicht können, dann wollen sie dir erzählen, dass du es auch nicht kannst. Wenn du etwas willst, dann hol es dir. Hab keine Angst zu Versagen. Man kann nicht immer gewinnen aber habe keine Angst davor eine Entscheidung zu treffen. Du musst daran glauben, dass sich die Dinge ändern können. ‘Ganz gleich, ob sie denken sie können etwas oder sie können es nicht, sie haben Recht’. - Die meisten von euch sagen, dass sie Erfolg haben wollen. Aber sie wollen es nicht wirklich, sie wollen es ‘vielleicht, irgendwie’. Du willst es nicht mehr, als zu feiern. Du willst es nicht so sehr wie du cool sein willst. Das Bedürfnis nach Erfolg ist bei den meisten nicht mal so groß wie das Bedürfnis zu schlafen. Unsere tiefsten Sorgen ist nicht, dass wir nicht gut genug sind. Unsere tiefsten Sorge ist, dass unsere Macht keine Grenzen hat. Es ist unser Licht, nicht unsere Dunkelheit, die wir am meisten fürchten. Du musst tief in dich blicken und dich fragen, wer du sein willst. Finde für dich selbst heraus, was dich glücklich macht. Egal wie verrückt es sich für die Leute anhören mag. Triff deine Wahl, entscheide dich einfach. Was es sein wird, wer du sein wirst und wie du es erreichen wirst. Entscheide dich einfach. - Warum kann ich nicht der beliebteste Schüler in der Schule sein? Warum kann ich nicht die Schönste aus meiner Klasse sein? Ich verstehe nicht warum. Warum? Warum kann ich das nicht sein? Ihr wisst es. Was hast du zu ihnen gesagt? Es geht nicht darum wie hart du zuschlagen kannst. Es geht darum wie hart du geschlagen werden kannst und trotzdem weiter machst. Wie viel du einstecken kannst und trotzdem weiter machst. Steh auf. Aber gib niemals auf. Wir können hier bleiben und den Hintern versohlt bekommen.
Oder wir kämpfen unseren Weg und Licht zurück, wir können aus der Hölle herausklettern. Zentimeter für Zentimeter. In der Lage zu sein, zu opfern, wer man ist, für den den man aus dich machen kann. Die meisten von euch werden keinen Erfolg haben denn wenn sie lernen werden sie müde und dann hören sie auf. ‘Ich bin schlecht in Mathe’, richtig. Du hast nie gelernt. ‘Ich kann nicht gut schreiben’, weil du nie zuvor geschrieben hast. Talent hat man von Natur aus. Können entwickelt sich aus Stunden und Stunden der Hingabe. Wenn du nicht das Leben eines anderen bereicherst, dann verschwendest du deine Zeit. Weine nicht um aufzugeben, weine um weiter zu machen. Weine nicht um aufzuhören, du hast bereits Schmerzen ertragen. Jetzt wobei du deinen Wert kennst geh raus und hol dir das was dir zusteht, aber se gewillt die Schläge dafür einzustecken und mach niemand anderen für dein Leben verantwortlich. FEIGLINGE machen das. Bist du ein Feigling? Oder willst du besser sein? Jeder Tag ist ein neuer Tag und jeder Moment ist ein neuer Moment. Geh und zeig ihnen, dass du gewachsen bist. Zeig ihnen, wie großartig du bist. Ihr habt die Kraft Menschen zu kennen, Menschen zu helfen. Die Kraft um Glückseligkeit zu schaffen. Ihr habt die Kraft dieses Leben frei und schön zu machen. Dieses Leben in eure Welt zu verwandeln. Was wollt ihr jetzt also machen? Weil Grenzen wie Ängste meistens nur eine Illusion sind?

i took some pictures today so let’s see hoe thisll work out

i had an eventful day today, got up nice and early at six, made it to the clinic by seven to do rounds and then go to the briefing right after that; then i got to watch some surgeries and got fancy scrubs

ayyy look at me being sexAy😏✨✨

also obviously to put these on (and also enter the whole surgical floor) you have to go through dressing rooms and undress and then put on scrubs

and the whole way there was a bit messy bc they called me down to watch the surgery and bc she was the only one available the girl intern brought me down(bc today was my second day there and i had no remote idea of where to go and what to do), only she couldnt guide me through the _mens_ room and she didnt have the key or the passcode to enter so we went back up to the station, on the way met a doctor who was about to leave who then opened the door for me and told me what to do and that id get picked up on the other side and then a nice older man helped me find everything

i was a bit worried at first about having to get changed in front of potentially other people, or Men in that case, but it was actually completely fine and i wore my binder and no one said anything or looked at me strangely (… well not that I would’ve noticed anyhow…) and it was FiNe.

when we went back up to the station to get the key to get access to the mens room i was considering just saying screw it it doesnt matter ill go through the girls room (but i Didnt) and over the course of the day said girl intern kept referring to me as she and of course i didnt correct her because ive just given up on that by now

and all that made me think, and on top of that was that

I need to stop being apologetic about my existence

bc actually that is what is happening and i apologize ALL the damn TiMe, i bump into someone, i apologize, someone _else_ bumps into me, i apologize, i stand in the way and someone wants to get past me, i apologize, i just accidentally touch someones shoulder, i apologize

you see what i mean

and also on top of that comes that i dont want to inconvenience anyone, and its beyond the point of politeness, no matter wHaT happens ill go oh its fine :D dont worry about it!! im all good!!!

which has also swept over to how i react when people misgender me (and apologize) its fine!!! :D dont worry about it!!!!! happens all the time!!!!!! :D

although maybe i just pushed everything dysphoria related down and blocked it out and now ive internalized that everyone will always see me as a girl which then turns into a self fulfilling prophecy and getting misgender and called a girl just pushes me further (idek but actually if you think about it it does kinda make sense) towards being MOre feminine and hide behind MoRE rings and makeup and jewelry (because its the only way i know how to cope??? maybe???)

which obviously just makes things worse



so maybe for the future i should unapologetically be myself and stand my ground and stick up for myself instead of leaving myself lying in the ditch and kicking me in the gut.


and then things should magically get better



but alrighty, so, surgery, first i sat in (literally sat down on the other end of the or) and watched a laparoscopic gall bladder removal (on the screen) which was pretty interesting to see

only i had no idea what they were doing and no one was talking to me or telling me anything and i didnt bother looking up what and where the internal organs actually are) but it was interesting none the less and amazing to see the gallbladder they took out and how smALL it was bc it looked so BiG on the monitor

and then how they closed it back up and just had these little cuts here and there

really fascinating


than i had coffee with the other girl intern and after that went to watch my uncles surgery, whiiiiichh was they were looming for gas… ges? gestro? idk whatever Tumors on theeee intestine and they had the whole abDoMen out, or like in the open and had a big round plastic thing around the incision in which they worked (and i actually didnt watch them opening or closing it up which was a shame bc i think thatdve been really interesting to see (and easier to understand)) and like part of the intestine was out and also a biiig yellowy spongy slimy looking cyst-y thing idek what it was and i was too scared to ask


and sexy guy internet and girl intern #1 were there too, girl was holding the hook (at least that what its called in german) to like keep it open and stable and the guy was watching over the curtain between the patients head and the operation and i stood next to him amd bc i was a bit too smol we got a two step stool and i stood on the top stair and he on the lower one and then we stood there for at leeast two hours, actually more like three aNd now my legs HURT

but it was SuPER interesting (what little i could see bc despite my elevated position i couldnt see everything) but at some point they took out a large part of the intestine to check it ((also all that looked really nice and squishy) and then just pushed it back in and it all just slipped right back into the abdomen and that was COOL


okay okay but so also for all this time i was standing next to sexy intern guy

and idk what to make of that but when he stepped on the stool he briefly put his hand around my hip and when we stepped away to let the nurse… idk do something with the machines he fixed my hair

like he said i had some hair sticking out and then pushed it back under the cap near my tempel

and then when i knocked my head on the lamp (bc im a clumsy idiot) he went MagnuS in a soft voice and just like

idk??? does that mean anything??? is that normal??? does that count as flirting or making a move or whatever or is that just what people DO??????!?? 🐽🐠Dx

and then we just went back to standing next to each other and our shoulders were kinda touching and also i was trying not to fall in amy direction and also worried about my legs bc stANDiNG for that long isNt FUN


until eventually, after approximately three hours we (he and i) (together) left and got changed back (~not that i paid closer attention but he has a good body~) (and then i turned around and quickly got dressed)

and then went up for lunch, with the other two girls

and after that we went back up to the station

and bc there was nothing else to do girl #1 offered to teach me how to take blood so we went and got supplies and i took her blood while girl #2 taught sexy guy how to do stitches (altho id like to know that too) and then i took her blood too and i did _FiNe_ (maybe ill mr sexy guy (i mean hes not like *overly* sexy but at the very least pretty pretty only pretty boy is what i call my australian fwiend already and its fun to use code names for people😏😏(…theres… theres like a word with a for that i cant remember, but so anyways)) maybe ill get to take His blood tomorrow too bc he jas Good veins)

and then #1 took my blood as well (which i got to keep muhaha as trophy)


tadaaaa one vile of best blood, now lets see how long thats gonna stay good in there for xD


and tHEN we did a BLood TEsT with my blood bc i STiLL dont know my blood type


ahh, such a memorable thing (basically you put a drip of blood and natriumchloride solution and drip it on each thing and where it curdles means its positive)

and the conclusion is *drumroll*

my blood type is B+

B positive

bE positive

Bee🐝positive👍

if thats not meaningful then idk😜


after that we went down for a meeting/idk what diScussing patients xrays meeting (and im starting to Get these more and more) and after that we were told to go home c:

and so basically i am noe as good as a Qualified Doctor™ and i could start my residency right away😁😜


aaaand when i got home i realized how DeAD i was from all the ungodly StandiNg i did (i know only three hours and others have it worse blahblah but iM Not uSed to standing that LoNG) and collapsed on the sofa, scrolling tumblr, then my aunt and cousins came back and where a bit loud and annoying *cough cough* and after my uncle got back we all went out for pizza


only the place kinda sucked and we waited for over an HoUR and the pizza wasnt even all that gOOd but the girls got one of those amazing complex colouring books and markers so i started colouring and rainsbow chameleon so that was FiNE and we took the leftovers so i can have them for breakfast tomorrow morning and then had ice cream and went home and to bed and here i am one and a half hours later, holy fucking shit sorry if anyone comes across this and finds it clogging their dash, but, you got a picture of me in sexy scrubs so there ya go😝

i should really really go to bed now i have to get up at six again tomorrow and be at the clinic at seven and its already almost midnight.

but i mean im on holidays and im only doing this for three days (((for now))) and then still have the rest of the week to recuperate so yah.


c:

today was really fun, interesting and fun😊

5

August 18, 2017

Friday night out with boardmates. Monday palang, may plans na kaming mag night out on Friday but when the night actually came, di kami maka-decide kung tutuloy ba o hindi. Umuulan kasi and parang nakakawal ng gana yung ulan. Mga 8pm na, di parin kami makadecide. Akala ko nga di kami tutuloy kaya matutulog na sana ako. Pero finally nung nag 10pm na, nakadecide na kaming tutuloy kami.

Pumunta kami sa isang bar na may live performers. Yung isa samin may kasama pala na mga classmates kaya ayun na-libre kami ng drinks. Mga bandang 12 nmedyo nalasing na yung pinakabata samin kaya nagdecide kaming mag Minute Burger para may laman naman ang mga tiyan namin. Nag Pizza Burger something kami which is so so good. Kakain ulit ako nun one of these days.

Pagkatapos naming kumain, lumipat kami sa ibang bar. Finally may danceflorr na which is what I was really itching about nung gabing yun. There, we met more of our friends kaya dumami kami. We got a few pics lang dun for privacy reasons charot. We danced our hearts out until 2am. Tapos pumunta kami sa VIP lounge ng bar and it turns out may ktv dun kaya kumanta kami dun.

After everything, umuwi na kami pero dumaan muna sa Shoppe 24 para bumili ng tubig and cup noodles na hindi ko naman nakain yung sakin. The night was fun, I had fun. Sabi nila next wek raw ulit kaso baka di na ako sasama, ayoko maging wild masyado.