the liar's parade

5

When I was fourteen, I was the victim of a homophobic attack. I was sent A&E for stitches, which took three hours, and counselling, which took three years. In sixth year at school, at the age of seventeen, I was given this form to fill out as part of a survey being conducted on the entire year group regarding loneliness and depression in teenagers.


I don’t know why I never handed the form in. I filled it out in the privacy of the study hall, nose almost pressed to the desk, using my unfortunate 2012 emo hair to cover the page from wandering eyes. When everyone was filing up to hand their form in, I stuffed the envelope into my bag and raced out of the hall. I suppose maybe I was scared everyone would see what I’d written. Or that the study hall monitor would pass the results onto a teacher who would recognise my handwriting and that I’d be called out for it. (Yes, that’s exactly how paranoid I was at this point. My mental health was terrible.)


In all honesty, these answers were cushioned. Some 1s were really 2s or 3s, and some 10s were really 8s or 7s. The numbers are roughly right, except just a bit censored. At the age of seventeen, I didn’t actually have friends as much as I had a group of people I stood with at lunch. I had one close friend at an all-girls’ school about two miles away who I only saw on the weekends when we would go into town together. I had a small group of boys who were gay who I spoke to now and then. But they were interested in things like Katy Perry, Pretty Little Liars and Gay Pride Parades, while I was not. So I wasn’t really their “friend” so much as I was “the other wee lad that doesn’t like the same things we do”.


School was honestly the worst hell I’d ever been through. I’d get called gay, homo, fruit, faggot, queer, every slur under the sun, I’ve been called it. By not only bullies, but people who I thought were my friends, too. It took powering through the war zone of seven school years to realise they weren’t really. Every day I woke up wanting to roll over and go back to sleep. To everyone else, the hallways were just a commute from one class to the next. For me, it was like traversing a minefield where every boy that passed by was another potential abuser, a potential attacker and a potential homophobe. Even teachers made things worse. I had a PE teacher call me a queer and a faggot, and another teacher who told a transgender friend of mine that she wouldn’t get bullies if she “didn’t act like that”. (At the time, she believed she was still a cis male, and attended the same all-boys’ Catholic school I did.) Apart from going to school, I couldn’t leave the house properly between the ages of fourteen and sixteen.


Even at school, there were certain halls and classes I would avoid, having committed to memory when my bullies had to walk through them to get to their classes. I would show up late to class constantly with no excuse. On certain days, the willpower to dodge my bullies was so weak that I would fake sick just so I could stay off. School days were challenges. I went to a school in the mountains (that’s Ireland for you) so there was a long, steep path into the school itself that you had to walk up every morning. Climbing that hill every morning is the perfect metaphor of what it felt like mentally preparing myself for school.


I thought there was something wrong with me. That the reason nobody wanted to be my friend was because I’m gay, and I had to change in order to make people like me. I was in the closet except for a few people, and still couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone. I felt ashamed to be gay, and believed that if I came out, I would just be inviting people to attack me all over again.


I started experimenting with religion, since Catholicism rejected me, and especially since we were taught in GCSE Religion that gay people had no place in marriage, which never sat right with me. I looked into everything - Buddhism, Islam, Hinduism, Zoroastrianism - before finally settling on Wicca. Wicca teaches that gay people can be accepted as long as we don’t harm anyone. Practicing Wicca was like a security blanket, and it made me feel welcomed for once.


I’m 20 now, and my life has drastically changed. For a start, I lost the emo hair and stopped listening to Secondhand Serenade. I abandoned Wicca and I’m now an Atheist - religion never suited me as a person, and I always felt like I was clinging to something that wasn’t there for acceptance. I got an A and two B’s in my A-Levels and I got into my dream university to study English with Creative Writing. I have a few big friend groups that I’m a part of, and most importantly, I’m out of the closet to my friends and immediate family, all of whom accept and love me anyway. Today, I realise there’s nothing wrong with me. There’s something wrong with homophobes. There is no “cure” for being gay, because it’s not a disease the way homophobia is. I don’t exactly scream gay pride and wrap myself in rainbows. I’m not ecstatic to be gay, but I’m happy with the way I am. It’s not a controlling factor in my life anymore. Being gay is about as paramount and as influential to me as being right handed. It doesn’t change who I am as a person other than being attracted to men rather than women.


Every now and then I’ll take this form out and look at it to see how far I’ve come. Whenever I feel sad, I look at the numbers I’ve marked down and remind myself that it could always be worse and that I’ll never feel that bad again. If you’re suffering after experiencing traumatic homophobia, I can tell you for a fact that it does get better and the quality of your life does improve. Some day your 1s will turn into 10s and you won’t feel like you’re tiptoeing around the people surrounding you.

Art by Creativexfantasy

More stuff I’ll be uploading for Monochrome (&) Miku Anniversary Week

^Submit your art or cosplay images!

Part 1 here!!

Welcome to part 2 of my top 200 Miku songs (100-1). Any information you may need is in part 1 (200-101), so make sure you check that out first. 

(As I pointed out in part one, one of the final edits I made to this list just didn’t save for some reason. Sekirau Graffiti* is one of  the most important songs that should be on this list)

Let’s get straight into it:

100. Sound  
99. Yume Yume  
98. Ray  
97. Karakuri Pierrot  
96. Ai Kotoba II  
95. Hato  
94. Culture Blooming Girl  
93. Personality Complex  
92. Ripen, Fruitless Flower  
91. I Wanna Do It  
90. Journal Justify  
89. If You Do Do  
88. Ai Dee
87. IROHA  
86. Two Dimensional Dream Fever  
85. Online Game Addicts  
84. Deus Ex Machina  
83. Meteor  
82. Delusion Tax  
81. Schrodingeiger’s Kitten  
80. Love Trial  
79. Don’t Kill the Love Song  
78. Morning Mist  
77. Game Specter 2  
76. Love Song (LamazeP)
75. Anti Beat  
74. Astro Troopers  
73. Let’s Start  
72. Sekiranun Graffiti  
71. The People Dance  
70. Shikabane no Odori  
69. Embarrasxxx  
68. Gigantic Girl  
67. Are You Still a Bit Skittish Today?  
66. Stickybug  
65. Redial  
64. Soleil  
63. Splatter Party  
62. Cat Food  
61. Usotsuki no Parade (Parade of liars)  
60. The Disappearance of Hatsune Miku  
59. Idol wo Sakase  
58. Viva Happy  
57. Mono Poisoner  
56. Tsukimiyo Rabbit  
55. Freely Tomorrow  
54. Rolling Girl  
53. Kagerou Days  
52. Blushifying Phenomena  
51. When the Morning Glory Falls  
50. Love Philosophia  

Art by indiefoxtail

You’re 75% in; just 50 songs left!

49. Ironic Metaphor  
48. Kuru Kuru Pa!
47. Shinkai Shoujo/Deep Sea Girl  
46. Secret Police  
45. Koi wa sensou/Love is war  
44. Alice in Black Market  
43. Antiselector  
42. Bad∞End∞NighT  
41. Romeo and Cinderella  
40. Bacterial Contamination  
39. Common World Domination  
38. World is Mine  
37. Matryoshka  
36. Ai Kotoba  
35. Raison D'etre  
34. Marionette no Kairaku  
33. TwoFaced Lovers  
32. Kocchi Muite Baby  
31. Sweet Devil  
30. Initiation  
29. Slow Motion  
28. Goodbye, Ms. Floral Theif  
27. Crazy∞nighT  
26. Party x Party  
25. City Boy  
24. Summer Night Fantasia  
23. This FuckedUp Wonderful World Exists For Me  
22. Streaming Heart  
21. Twilight ∞ nighT  
20. EveR∞LastinG∞NighT  
19. Hibikase  
18. Two Breaths Walking  
17. The Fox’s Wedding
16. 39  
15. Tokyo Retro  
14. StargazeR (Live)  
13. News 39  
12. Burenai ai de  
11. A young girl, so vivid in the night  

Art by indiefoxtail

And here it is: my (current) top 10 Miku songs!

10. Senbonzakura  
9. Violet  
8. Alice in Musicland  
7. The Music Wizard of Oz  
6. Spinal Fluid Explosion Girl  
5. Merry & Nicolaus  
4. Shiroi Yuki no Princess wa  
3. Odds and Ends  
2. World’s End Dancehall  
1. Unhappy Refrain  

…that was a lot of songs (again, check out part 1 if you haven’t already)

Shout outs to these YouTube channels for helping me find most of the songs I listen to:

vgperson (Also on Tumblr)

Descent87 (Also on Tumblr)

OccasionalSubs (Also on Tumblr)

-

And that’s it. Check out all the amazing art I’m uploading* for Miku’s 8th birthday here (*with permission of course).

I would like to follow some more new people!

Like this if you post any of the following random things

  • Neck Deep
  • The Story So Far
  • Black Veil Brides
  • The Summer Set
  • Mayday Parade
  • Sleeping with Sirens
  • All Time Low
  • The 1975
  • Chicago PD
  • Sophia Bush
  • One Tree Hill
  • Revenge
  • Pretty Little Liars
  • Christmas
  • Winter
Following Spree!

Hey guys! My dash is super dead lately! So, reblog/like this if you post any of the following! Note that if you follow me, it’s almost a guaranteed follow back from me! okay so

  • Harry Potter
  • All Time Low
  • Mayday Parade
  • Echosmith
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  • Bring Me The Horizon
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  • Dan and Phil
  • Adventure Time
  • Funny Things
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  • The Originals
  • The 100