When your long soaking wet hair is bundled up under a scarf feeling uncomfortably moist and your base layer isn’t long enough in the crotchal area and gravity is pulling on your corduroy pants but you couldn’t stomach the constriction involved in wearing a belt because your unexpectedly undersized sweater that shrunk in the wash is already squeezing the life out of your arms and you’re slogging your way to the express line as quickly as you can while keeping your pants as close to their full upright position as possible without making a scene, staring at the ground with a probably cranky looking face but then you look up because you are about to to crash into the average well-adjusted looking person approaching from the opposite direction and they smile and make eye contact in a non-creepy way and say “Ni!” with confidence as they walk by and you can’t help but lighten up enough to consider having a good morning despite your wardrobe turmoil.
there’s an entire musical number based on mishearing a word (”I said ENGLAND!”)
Christian Borle plays basically every ensemble character
“My name is Lancelot. I’m big and strong and hot” *taps butt with shovel*
“Become a knight and you’ll go bald!” “Become a knight and you’ll go bald!” “In suspenders and a bra!” “In suspenders and…. a bra..???…”
“I saw a lady in a lake-” “dead?”
EXCAILBUR!! ahhhhh AHHHHHH!!!! *music stops*
“Please reveal to this Doubting Thomas-” “Dennis.”
Sarah fucking Ramirez
“The Song That Goes Like This” being a perfect parody of just about every musical ever made
The absolutely fucking ridiculous expressions on Christopher Sieber’s and Sarah Ramirez’s faces
“Now we’re into E! … that’s awfully high for me.” “Everyone can see, we should have stayed in D.”
“For this is the song that is too loooooooong!” *yells at orchestra director* JESUS CHRIST, GOD DAMNIT
Sir Not Appearing In This Show(Don Quixote: “Oh sorry”)
“Why do they call it the middle ages when nothing yet comes after it?”
“What happens in Camelot, stays in Camelot.”
“Knights of the Round Table” keeping the silliness from the film intact
Patsy clapping the coconuts together because Arthur can’t tap dance
Lady of the Lake being a Vegas lounge singer and she pulls out a ridiculous microphone
“We’re knights of the round table, round table, round table!” (point to roulette table to make sure the audience gets its) “round table, round table, round table!”
The knights trying to spell out “Camelot” and spelling “Cameltoe” instead
John Cleese cameo
The lack of a fourth wall (”These people don’t have all night!”)
“The quail!” “No, grail. The vessel used at the Last Supper.” “They had a bot at the Last Supper?”
“God the Almighty and All Knowing has misplaced a cup?”
“We must look within ourselves.” “SOMEBODY’S SWALLOWED IT!”
“No body’s swallowed it. It’s a symbol.” *symbol crash**glares at orchestra*
“Find Your Grail” actually being a banger and a damn inspirational song all at once
The Lady of the Lake going all Mariah Carey on “Find Your Grail”
The Lady of the Lake holding a grail and standing inside a larger hand holding a grail
the two knights wrapped up in the background scenery and spinning around to make the the canvas move and change scenes
Galahad doing a clog dance when it’s the Alps
The “Scooby stack” when the French knights stick their heads out the door to investigate the giant rabbit
*French taunter speaks French* Other French taunter: … what?
The French people including a mime and Eponine
The French taunting being much more taunting when in song form
"Feche la can can dancers!” *screaming*
The musical keeping up with the double casting from the movie and certain knights are just inexplicably gone for some scenes
“Have a drink and a pee, we’ll be back for act threeeee!” “Two sir.” “Twooooo!”
“Dark and very expensive forest” *cha-ching sound effect”
Because of course “Always Look On The Brightside” is a tap number
Patsy being King Arthur’s sidekick and wanting to cheer him up
The Knights Who Say Ni joining in for a little kick line
Robin’s Minstrel (also played by Christian Borle)
“Arms for the poor! Arms for the poor!”
The mechanics of the Black Knight suit so he can have all his limbs cut off onstage
“You must put on a musical!” Sir Robin: YES! *minstrel band jump into place*
But not an Andrew Lloyed Webber!
David. Hyde. Pierce.
A 10 minute long musical number making as many Jewish jokes and references as possible
THE FUCKING BOTTLE DANCE USING HOLY GRAILS
“Hey!” *points to a bale of hay*
(honestly the use of visual puns in this deserved a Tony of its own)
The pure saltiness of “What Ever Happened to My Part”
The plot point of Lancelot being gay comes from the movie where Lancelot “rescues” Galahad from the girls in Castle Anthrax and Galahad just goes “bet you’re gay” and that’s what led to this whole plot point and a massive dance number that ends with Christian Borle in a fruit hat
(seriously tho we have all these fandoms who insist that their characters are gay (cough dear evan hansen cough) but it isn’t cannon when Lancelot is right here, there’s a whole dance number about it)
“How are we going to get to Broadway? It’s 1000 years in the future in a country that hasn’t been discovered.”
“I”m all alone. There’s no one here beside me,” Patsy walks up like wtf
“Sure, I’ve been offstage forfar too long”
“Actually I’m Jewish on my mother’s side.” “Why didn’t you say?” “It’s not the sort of thing you say to a heavily armed Christian”
THE KNIGHTS USING THE COCONUTS AS FREAKING CASTANETAS AND DANCING TO “AMERICA” FROM WEST WIDE STORY
Sir Robin shitting his pants and excusing himself aka the complete lack of trying to hide the fact that Sir Robin also plays Brother Maynard
the overall hilarious “low-budget” special effects, like when the ensemble knight’s head gets cut off by the rabbit
“No, skip a bit” *Brother Maynard skips* (again the visual puns)
The rabbit puppeteer being revealed and running offstage
“Oh Lord, we’re a bit stuck with the clue things. Would you give us a hand?” (literal hand of God comes down)
Lancelot in a flower crown
“Just think Herbert, in a 1000 years time, this will still be controversial”
“And I too have found my grail!” “WHAT’S THAT?” “Musical theatre!”
Voice over: Meanwhile, King Arthur and Bedevere, not more than a swallow's
flight away, had discovered something.
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Arthur: Who are you?
Knight of Ni: We are the Knights who say..... "Ni"!
Arthur: (horrified) No! Not the Knights who say "Ni"!
Knight of Ni: The same.
Other Knight of Ni: Who are we?
Knight of Ni: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nee-womm!
Other Knight of Ni: Nee-womm!
Arthur: (to Bedevere) Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
Knight of Ni: The knights who say "Ni" demand..... a sacrifice!
Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who
lives beyond these woods.
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Bedevere: No! Noooo! Aaaugh! No!
Knight of Ni: We shall say "Ni" to you... if you do not appease us.
Arthur: Well what is it you want?
Knight of Ni: We want.....
(dramatic minor chord)
Arthur: A *WHAT*?
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni!! Ni! Ni!
Arthur; No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a shrubbery.
Knight of Ni: You must return here with a shrubbery... or else you will never
pass through this wood... alive.
Arthur: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a
Knight of Ni: One that looks nice.
Arthur: Of course!
Knight of Ni: And not *too* expensive.
Knight of Ni: Noowwwww.... GO!
Arthur: O Knights of Ni. We have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
Knight of Ni: Yes, it is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.
But there is one small problem....
Arthur: What is that?
Knight of Ni: We are now *no longer* the Knights Who Say "Ni"!
Other Knights of Ni: Ni! Shh! Shh!
Knight of Ni: We are now the Knights who say "Ekky-ekky-ekky-ekky-z'Bang,
Other Knight of Ni: Ni!
Knight of Ni: Therefore, we must give you a test.
Arthur: What is this test, o Knights of.....
Knights who 'til recently said "Ni"?
Knight of Ni: Firstly, you must find....
(another minor chord)
Arthur: Oh not *another* shrubbery!!
Knight of Ni: (excitedly) THEN... Then, when you have found the shrubbery,
you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly
higher, so we get the two-level effect with a little path
running down the middle.
Other Knights of Ni: A path! A path! A path! Shh, shhh. Ni! Ni!
Knight of Ni: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the
mightiest tree in the forest...
Wiiiiiithh.... A HERRING!