the iron chef

I asked my mom for her mac salad recipe and it had ingredients but no measurements and she was like “well it depends on how you want to scale it!”

So i asked her to be more specific and she said two or three scoops of mayo and i asked what size scoops and she said “… you know, scoops.”

Me “??????? SCOOP AS IN A CUP? SCOOP FROM A SPOON?”

I wonder if Iron Chef Morimoto is ever bothered by the translator they’re always using when he presents his dishes. His accent really is not that thick or difficult to understand.

Food Network Gothic

• You must beat Bobby Flay. He could be anywhere. Under your bed, in your car, standing right behind your door. He’s biding his time. But when he reveals himself, you Must. Beat. Him.
• The Wontons, long forgotten, haunt your every waking moment. Sometimes you wake up at night to the faint sound of bubbling oil.
• Nobody really leaves Flavor Town.
• Iron Chef. Titanium Chef. Diamond Chef. Carbon Fiber Chef.
• In every dark space, you see the glowing outline of Alton Brown’s grin. You can’t tell what his intentions are.
• The Chairman somersaults through your dreams, cackling.

Cooking Shows I’d Want To Watch:
  • Two chefs are given what the average person visiting a food shelf for a family of four might be given. They must make five delicious meals from it, with a little help from the /very/ limited (Flour, salt, black pepper, red pepper, garlic powder, sugar, baking soda), pantry, within the thirty minute time limit.
  • Chefs who don’t normally cook kosher are given a quick lesson in what is kosher. They are then given a basket of theme ingredients, or maybe an Iron Chef style single ingredient, and they must make a delicious meal from it while following the rules of kosher within the thirty minute time limit.
  • The chef is given a judging panel of four people with dietary restrictions, either due to allergies, or religious or moral reasons. They must make a meal that the whole panel can eat and enjoy in the thirty minute time limit.
  • Michelin star rated chefs are pitted against each other, having to cook dishes, 3-7 year old children and their parents, both enjoy. So the parents can’t influence the kids to try stuff, the panels are served separately.
  • Anthony Bourdain, and Gordon Ramsay. Sesame Street. Basically, Gordon Ramsay and Anthony Bourdain compete against each other for a panel of judges in a format similar to Iron Chef. The secret ingredient is some kind of vegetable or other food kids don’t eat. The Sesame Street muppets, probably either Abby Cadabby, Big Bird, Elmo, or Cookie Monster, play the role of the floor reporters, Kermit, Bert, and Ernie are the commentators. The panel of judges, a group of young children, decide the winner. Whomever wins gets $10,000 to donate to a children’s related charity of their choice.
every type of american cooking show contestant
  • the amateur chef that likes to cook for fun and doesn’t know how they made it that far into the show
  • the struggling chef with a tragic backstory
  • the loud italian that won’t stop making italian food and announcing that they’re italian every chance they get
  • the chef that’s only good at making desserts and panics when it’s an entrée
  • the southern chef that goes on about fried chicken, sweet potatoes, pies, corn, and their family of 40 all the time
  • the care-free charismatic chef that’s just there for the experience and is okay with going home
  • that one chef that always does everything last minute and can’t manage their time even if their life depended on it
  • the chef that’s always safe and never wins anything and then the one time they try and do something different they get eliminated
  • the one stressed-out chef that never knows what the hell they’re doing but manages to succeed and pull-through with their dish every time
  • the overconfident hardcore chef that wants to destroy everybody there and tries to cheat if they get the chance
  • the asian chef that makes delicious dishes and plates them in a gorgeous way every time
  • the edgy chef with tattoos up and down their arms that no one really has a problem with
  • an extremely experienced chef that shouldn’t even be there
  • the chef that won’t stop taking risks and putting twists on all of their dishes
  • the chef that we barely get to know and gets eliminated first and can barely remember that they ever existed by the end of the show
  • the hipster that always talks about their blog/food photography and gives an “urban” and “rustic” look to all of their dishes for aesthetic and sometimes names their dishes too
  • that one chef that’s a klutz, won’t stop messing up almost every single one of their dishes, always forgets ingredients, and completely doesn’t belong there yet somehow made it farther than most people for no reason whatsoever
  • the californian chef that won’t stop making mexican food and seafood
  • the foreign chef that’s just excited to be on the show
  • that one vegan/vegetarian chef that complains a lot
  • the mom that has kids at home and won’t stop mentioning how she’s cooking for them