the instability though

The flowers in this room, what do you think they are? I know this is just a drawing, but if Saeran designed this room for MC, each flower here would mean something special.

I have a few guesses based on how they appear. Here’s my thought process as I stare at this screenshot.

The purple flowers stand out here. I could only think of two possible flowers.

Violet Roses. 

Or, maybe lisianthus. 
Now, violet roses mean admiration, magic, and love at first sight while Lisianthus means, outgoing nature.
Out of these two possibles, violet roses make more sense.

There are other flowers are, a dark pinkish or coral color. They don’t stand out as much as the enchanting purple ones and they have a rose appearance too. They could be roses.

The meaning for pink roses are: admiration, confidence, desire, energy, friendship, grace, everlasting joy, happiness, ‘Please believe me’, secret love, thank you, trust, youth, ‘Thank you for being in my life’

Still, that shade of pink seems too light, what about a coral rose? That fits the color nicely… Coral roses mean desire, enthusiasm, fascination, appreciation, congratulations.

But, what if they’re not coral or pink roses. What if they’re camellias instead. They almost look like roses.

Camellias mean, admiration, deep longing, a desire.
That still doesn’t seem right. As I look at the petals, they seem to have a more pointed appearance. So then, what if they’re dahlias?

Dahlias mean:
’Warning of Change’, forever yours, anxiety/instability. Though I’m unsure of dahlias as they’re typically larger than roses.

Along with the purple and dark pink flowers, there is a darker color flower underneath them. Based on what they look like, they look like snowdrops, but I’ve only seen snowdrops in purple, blue, and white. Can’t be it, and they’re a bit big to be those, so what about amaryllis?

These flowers mean pride, splendid beauty, beautiful but timid, shyness, innocence, success won after a struggle.

Now, this room was set up before MC arrived. We know Saeran wasn’t told by Rika to specifically get MC. It could’ve been anyone, but Saeran grew attached to MC very quickly, so he probably chose her because he saw her at least once before. This is my feeling. This MC doesn’t download the app, it’s downloaded for her when ‘Ray’ borrows her phone. So the app isn’t even on MC’s device, but she was still contacted by Ray and he knew her name. So I imagine, again, Ray knew who MC was, at least enough to want to invite her into.
So the flowers in this room are meant to tell her something:

I’m enchanted by you, this must be love at first sight, but it’s secret as I feel shy.

What do you guys think?

Now the flowers at the back can be one of two flowers, tulips or hyacinth. They’re not well-defined, but I feel it’s one of those two.

Tulips mean an absolute romance, a declaration of love, spring. Pink tulips specifically mean ‘my perfect lover’ and showing feelings of love, well wishes, and feelings of caring.

Hyacinth, specifically pink ones mean: harmless mischief, play, joy

If you have any ideas relating to the meanings of these flowers (I’ve compared them from 3 books I bought about the meaning and language the flowers represent).

Please let me know!

A Psychoanalysis of the Rum Tum Tugger and Mr Mistoffelees

I saw a headcanon somewhere on here that Grizabella is basically a glimpse into the Rum Tum Tugger’s future, considering she was much like him when she was younger, and it got me thinking. In real life, many, many people who are extremely attractive or extremely successful end up being extremely miserable later in life for one reason or another. For many, it’s because they feel their lives are missing something or because they feel alienated from other people. Grizabella rejected the tribe because she was too proud to admit she needed others in her life, effectively alienating herself from everyone and beginning her downward spiral into the broken, and frankly pitiful state she is in.

Now if we look at Tugger, we see that he’s very similar to how Grizabella was. He’s highly attractive and confident to the point of arrogance. However, even though he is prideful, he is highly dependent on others. His rough and tumble persona is an act he puts on to gain the attention and affection he feels he needs in order to feel secure. The problem with this act is that he vehemently denies that he is dependent and, if left unchecked, it can quickly get out of hand and become very self-destructive, and if it does, Tugger will end up driving others away (intentionally or unintentionally), and slip and fall into a very dark place psychologically. He will become just like Grizabella: bitter, insecure, jaded, and very much alone.
However, Tugger actually has a pretty good chance of staying stable and sane because he is so dependent. His weakness becomes his salvation because of the strength of his relationship with Mistoffelees. Misto keeps Tugger grounded so he doesn’t get too prideful and push everyone away like Grizabella did. He is Tugger’s rock and makes sure that he doesn’t screw everything up. He is–for lack of a better term–Tugger’s moirail. I hesitate to use this term because it’s from Homestuck and applies to a totally different species, but to be quite honest, it is the perfect description of their relationship. I mean, pretty much everyone in this fandom ships them romantically or platonically, but has anyone considered both? Because a moirallegiance is exactly that:

Moirallegiance (♦): Moirallegiance is a quadrant often referred to as platonic, but make no mistake - it is very much a romantic relationship, and is kind of like the concept of soul-mates, even though sex does not seem to be involved. It is founded in the desire to protect your partner, whether it is from the world or from themselves, or occasionally, to protect the world from your partner. A moirail pair traditionally consist of one stable and one instable person, though fanon has run with this concept so far moirails can pretty much be considered to be a kind of asexual relationship. The duty of a moirail is to stop their partner from screwing everything up. And possibly also hold them while they cry.

Tugger is the more unstable one in this relationship. He needs Misto there to ground him and keep him from falling into a self-destructive spiral. Alternatively, Tugger makes sure to protect Misto and emphasise just how amazing he is. Which makes me suspect that Misto struggles a bit with self-confidence. If I may go on a quick tangent, in each of their songs, the other’s part in it resembles their roles in their relationship. In Tugger’s song, Misto’s line is “The Rum Tum Tugger is a terrible bore.” which goes to show how he takes Tugger down a couple notches when he is getting too puffed up and isn’t afraid to put him in his place. But in Misto’s song, it’s literally just Tugger going “gUYS NO SRSLY HE IS ACTUALLY THE GREATEST EVER!” and that leads me to believe that Misto feels a little overshadowed by Tugger, so Tugger goes out of his way to remind Misto of how proud he is of him. They look out for each other and care about each other so frikking much. They balance and complement each other, and their bond is amazingly strong and healthy.

They’re perfect moirails. Love so deep and strong that it’s enough to keep them both happy and psychologically healthy despite their shortcomings, especially Tugger. So no, I don’t think Tugger will end up like Grizabella, so long as Misto is there by his side to keep him in check. They’ll both do fantastically.

they put the new bridge right next to the old one
while it still stood, defiant in its instability
and even though all I could see were the cranes
rising up like enormous, steel reeds from the river
I understood that sometimes to fix yourself
you can’t just knock it down and start again.

and even if it takes eighteen miles of scaffolding
to keep the old me from collapsing into the water
I will acknowledge that without its tired framework
the rivers of my life could have never been crossed.

—  “the new bridge” - a poem.
Puppet Strings

They are both puppets, being pulled from above on marionette strings.

A small Reaper76 ficlet that I thought about the other day. Happens some time after Honorable. Mostly just Gabe musing on some things because he’s great for introspective things like that.

AO3 Link.


He was jolted awake by the thought of his mortality. Again.

Gabriel Reyes didn’t move right away; instead he just lay on his side, his eyes open, willing himself to take a deep breath to steady himself. Slowly, the cold feeling of the adrenaline shock dissipated from his stomach, leaving him feeling drained and foolish. He adjusted his body, checked his limbs, reminded himself that he was still alive. While that was enough to let the feeling seep away, it also left him feeling that much worse.

Keep reading

AU Second Chances HC Pt. 2 

Read part 1 Here

Things have progressed greatly. Hide still plays guitar for Kaneki, and eventually, starts teaching Kaneki how to play the guitar too. Not only that, but he starts letting Kaneki listen to his music.

However, the first time that Kaneki listens to his music, he throws the head phones off.

Its so loud that it hurts his eardrums. Upset and feeling betrayed, Kaneki retreats to the closet.

Though Hide is able to coax him out, it’s nearly impossible to put the headphones back on his ears. In fact, when Hide tries to place them on Kaneki’s head, Kaneki uses his kagune to take them from Hide and throw them somewhere around the room.

This is the first time Hide has seen a kagune up close. Immediately, he makes to touch it, but Kaenki recoils back into the closet. But not only that, he can hear Kaneki apologizing and crying.

“Kaneki!? What’s wrong?” Hide asks as he opens the closet, “why are you apologizing?”
They’ll be upset if theyfind out I used my Kagune. Arima will get mad again, and he’ll…he’ll…”
“He’ll do what, Kaneki,” Hide pulls the ghoul close, “What’s wrong? What will he do?” Hide knows of  Arima only as Kaneki’s caretaker, nothing else. Arima seemed…intimidating, but not one to hurt Kaneki. But of course, Hide is jut getting used to all of this.

“Hey, Kaneki, it’s okay,” Hide soothes the ghoul, “It’s alright, I won’t tell. It’ll be our little secret.” Hide emphasizes this by placing a finger in front of his lip. A teary Kaneki does the same.

“Okay man, wanna try this again—I’ll turn it down this time,” Hide is calm as he speaks.

Kaneki is reluctant at first, though slowly, he offers his ears to Hide. Smiling, Hide places the headphones on him, though the volume is lower this time.

“Its English,” Kaneki comments.

Hide smiles, “Yep, do you like it?”

Kaneki nods, and Hide smiles, “I can teach you the song on guitar. Would you like that?”

Eventually, Hide ends up buying Kaneki his own phone and his own guitar. He teaches Kaneki everything he knows, and helps him find the kind of music he likes. He downloads Pandora on Kaenki’s phone, and lets him pick his favorite singer, so the app can create a station.

Though Kaneki loves the music, he wants something more. And Hide can tell, he’s just too nervous to asks.

“Hey Kaneki, is there something on your mind?”

Kaneki looks nervous, but being with Hide, he’s gained a lot more self confidence. So he speaks, “Um…I-I like reading too, can you take me to the bookstore later on? There’s a book I want.”

“Sure Kaneki! Are you sure it’s there, did you check?” 

Kaneki nods, “I went to the website.”

“Alright, then we’ll go first thing tomorrow!”

Kaneki is happy, so in extension, Hide is happy too. This entire project isn’t so bad…though things don’t remain well forever.

Later on that evening, he receives a call from the CCG. It’s just a standard call, where he reports all that’s happened. Though the operator (maybe Arima) brings up a particular question.

“Kaneki hasn’t used his kagune, has he?” 

“No, he hasn’t, “ Hide immediately answers. He remembers just how terrified Kaneki was when he unleashed it, and has a feeling that these people are the ones who hurt him when he uses it. It’s better to lie and save Kaneki’s skin, then to tell the truth and have him taken away (he’s starting to like Kaneki).

The man repeats the question, and Hide replies no. After that, he hangs up. Hide sighs,this entire thing is starting to seem a little fishy. He still has no idea why on Earth they would hurt Kaneki for just using his Kagune, let alone, he has no idea who Kaneki was before he met him. Maybe he was dangerous? Is that why they hurt him to control him? Maybe he was unstable? Isn’t that why Hide signed the waiver in the first place? Because Kaneki could potentially kill him?

Only, Kaneki hasn’t shown any signs of mental  instability. Though Hide hasn’t had Kaneki that long…he supposes only time will answer his many questions.

Sorry for delay in the HC guys! I ran into some unexpected trouble. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed part 2 of the Second Chances random HC. Pt.3 will be out next week.

As usual, you’re free to interpret any of these how you want, do contribute if you want to. I’d love to see what you guys do with it. Just tag us so we can find it and reblog it into our group.

"The book of love has music in it" - Jack Barakat Imagine #6

Request : hi! can u do an imagine when y/n and jack are both singer, you’re married but then divorced? bcs the distance is too hard. thanks!!!

Of all the imagine I’ve written so far, this is my absolute favorite and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. (and you should really play the song later on :) ) 

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

hi, i was just wondering if falling in love quickly and hard is a bpd thing? because last year i fell for this girl and it was the some of the most intense emotion i've ever felt (which is saying a lot tbh) and like?? idk if this is a bpd thing or just made worse by my bpd. also i've looked through the faq and i can't find this so i'll ask: is it normal for bpd to vary in severity on a weekly basis?? (i think this has been answered but i couldn't find it so...) anyway thanks

I think falling in love, or feeling *intense* infatuation or attraction to someone that we might initially mistake as love, very quickly after meeting someone is absolutely something that people with BPD could experience.  A number of BPD symptoms/traits could work together to result in falling in love/becoming intensely infatuated very rapidly, such as:

  • Experiencing emotions at a substantially higher intensity than people who don’t have BPD (and remember, love is an emotion as well as an experience!)
  • Fear of abandonment can lead us to forming intense bonds quickly and feeling a high level of attachment to certain people,
  • Black and white thinking that leads to idealization of a person and the uniquely borderline experience of having a Favourite Person
  • Hot and cold/volatile interpersonal relationships as a whole can manifest as very intense attachment to people that comes about unusually quickly and the feelings that we have in or about specific relationships with certain people are often extreme and unstable (probably exacerbated by black and white thinking/idealization and devaluation), so often we enter relationships with exceptionally high levels of love, happiness, joy, excitement, and attraction.  When people think about “volatile/unstable interpersonal relationships” we tend to think more about the negative emotions and parts of those relationships and forget that intense positive emotions are generally a component too, though instability often results because that level of intensity of positive emotions is rarely sustainable.

Whether falling in love hard and fast is a “BPD thing” or something that is just magnified by BPD is something I can’t give a definitive, absolute answer for.  It could be both.  Personally, I definitely have found myself deeply in love with, attracted to, or infatuated with some people after only knowing them for a short time, and it was very easy for me to get swept up in that feeling.  And again, for me personally, I’m now aware that when I feel love like that–love that’s fast and extreme and intense and thrilling and impulsive and burning hot and volatile and sometimes scary– I know now that those feelings are being driven by my BPD. That’s when it’s a “BPD thing” for me. It’s a sign for me now that that sort of love, for me at least, is not sustainable (and often doesn’t go in a healthy direction in the end).  The love that I feel for my current partner is a different feeling.  It’s still intense, it’s still all-consuming in a lot of ways, but it’s much steadier, it’s calmer, I feel more content and in control and my feelings and thoughts are clearer–and that’s probably because I’ve loved them for almost a decade and my love for them has been able to evolve and stabilize. 

That’s just my personal experience with it, I’m not saying that this is true for everyone who has BPD and I’m not saying that one type of love is bad and one type is good.  I just wanted to share how I personally know whether the love I feel is a “BPD thing” or something that’s just being intensified/magnified by BPD.

And I definitely think that feeling love as someone with BPD is often a very different experience than the experience that non-borderlines have with feeling love–because our experience when it comes to feeling any emotion is a unique experience that is profoundly linked to our disorder.  This isn’t to say that all people with BPD experience emotions the same way (we absolutely don’t!) and not all people with BPD have unusually intense or volatile emotions (though emotional dysregulation is probably the most common symptom).  All of us likely have a unique experience with love, we all probably feel it differently and characterize it differently or prefer different types/feelings of love.

I also want to note that this isn’t limited to romantic love–our experiences with platonic or queerplatonic love can be just as intense and fast.  Aro or aro-spectrum borderlines can feel intense love and connection to friends or QPPs that comes on very quickly.  Honestly all people with BPD, regardless of romantic orientation, can have that experience with friends or family or pets or even objects tbh.  Anyone or anything that you can feel love for, people with BPD can feel that love extremely intensely and that love can come about incredibly rapidly.

As for your other question, the short answer is yes, the severity of BPD as a whole can vary from week to week, month to month, even day to day.  The only thing that’s really consistent for people with BPD seems to be how inconsistent everything can be, ironically.  This often makes it hard for us to have any sort of steady rhythm to our lives or specific aspects of our lives.  Also individual symptoms can vary in severity or presence from day to day, week to week, month to month.  Sometimes I go for weeks without being bothered by feelings of emptiness or dissociative episodes, and sometimes those are the main symptoms I deal with for weeks instead.

Further Reading for Question 1: (Not everything I’m linking to here is necessarily about your question specifically, but more about a number of the general topics I brought up in this post) I’m aro/ace. Do relationship-oriented symptoms still apply to me?, Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with BPD?, Can a relationship be fixed after BPD has made it unhealthy?, How can I begin to look for a partner?, Short-lived romantic attraction?, I have difficulty distinguishing romantic and platonic attraction?, Can BPD symptoms about relationships extend to platonic relationships?

Further Reading for Question 2: Can my symptom severity be dependent on my environment and/or who I’m around?, I can go weeks with borderline symptoms and then weeks without?

-Pandora

anonymous asked:

i had a question, if you arent comfortable answering then just ignore this. i have bpd and from what i understand, SZPD is defined by lack of intense in emotions. I guess, could you elaborate on the "highlights" of what characterizes SZPD, and how that comorbids with also having BPD, since they seem to contradict.

they do contradict, quite a bit, and while they are very rarely comorbid, it is possible for them to be comorbid.
first off, the ‘highlights’ of what characterizes szpd:
- lack of desire for intimacy
- lack of desire for/interest in sex
- almost always chooses solitary experiences
- indifferent to praise or criticism from others
- takes pleasure in few, if any, activities
- emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened emotion
now then, how it’s comorbid with having bpd:
first off, the emotional side of things. I experience very little to no emotion a good majority of the time, and during those times I feel extremely ‘flat’ and emotionless, or have very weak emotions that I can’t place or understand. then a little bit of the time, I experience a normal level of emotions. and then a very rare amount of the time, I experience extremely strong emotions. however, to me, because I’m used to weak emotions or no emotions, these normal emotions feel very strong to me, and the strong emotions are overwhelming and thankfully rare. I do experience instability of mood, though, and often experience mood swings, though I don’t notice them most of the time when I’m feeling weaker emotions, and while I do notice with normal or strong emotions I sometimes can’t place what I’m feeling.
you may have noticed another conflicting thing, which is relationships; people with szpd are unlikely to care about being abandoned and don’t want close relationships, while those with bpd want to be close to and accepted by others, and will go to great lengths to avoid being abandoned.
here’s how that goes for me:
if I sense I’m being abandoned, or feel like I am, most of the time I do care and I react by freaking the fuck out. however, I desire to be close only with people with whom I am already close, and I do not seek close relationships of any kind outside of the people who I’m already close with. additionally, I often become uncomfortable with new people and tend to be suspicious of them and make no effort to make friends. I only have five people who I would consider myself close to, and beyond that, I don’t have anyone I’d consider a friend or anything to me, and I don’t desire any relationships with people beyond the five that I have. I am generally uncomfortable in social gatherings and prefer online communication or small gatherings of people. I also have a habit of clinging very tightly to the people that I am close to, and if I become close to someone, it’s usually because they made the effort to worm their way into my life rather than because I reached out to them.
finally, as far as everything else that you might be thinking of goes:
impulsivity in relation to sex–I have none. I have no desire for sex.
intimacy–I want to be intimate with people but often find myself scared to be. that’s purely a bpd thing, I think.
solitary vs. with people–I prefer solitary.
indifferent to praise and criticism–indifferent to praise, take criticism to heart.
pleasure in activities–I have like three activities I take pleasure in.
beyond that, it’s basically either a confusing roller coaster of extremes or something that meets in the middle between the two symptoms. I tend to have more of the ‘fear of abandonment’ symptom than a person without bpd might, and I tend to have a roller coaster ride in terms of emotion intensity, and I tend to have more of the ‘lack of desire for close relationships’ than anything.
so….that’s all! hope that answered your question, anon.