Mawwaige. Mawwaige is wot bwings us togevah today. Mawwaige, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam wifvin a dweam … And wuv, twu wuv, will fie you forevah and evah … So tweasure your wuv … Have you the wing? … And do you, Pwincess Buhherquop…? … Man and wife.
Imagine an Adaption of The Princess Bride with the Star Wars cast. OT or PT, what would the roles be and how would adapt it?
Okay, well obviously Anakin is the slave boy / man in black / Dread Sith Lord Vader. (But not the real Lord Vader. Anakin took the title from the man who supposedly killed him, but who in fact took him on as an apprentice; his name was really Dooku. He himself had inherited the title from the previous Lord Vader, who was not the real Lord Vader either. His name was Sifo-Dyas. The real Lord Vader had been retired thirty years and living like a king on Nar Shaddaa. It was the name, Dooku explained, that was important for inspiring the necessary fear. No one would surrender to the Dread Sith Lord Ani.)
Padmé is the simple peasant girl Palpatine picked to be Queen of Naboo. Originally, he planned to have her murdered on her coronation and the Trade Federation blamed for it, thus sparking the war that would bring him to power. But when that fails, he has to regroup and finally decides it’s going to be so much more moving when he has her killed not as an innocent victim but as a martyr.
Nute Gunray has been secretly hired by Palpatine to murder Padmé and start a war (a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition). He in turn has hired two mercenaries to help him with the task: the former Jedi padawan turned drunken soldier of fortune Obi-Wan Kenobi, and the prospector and prize fighter Dexter Jettster.*
Obi-Wan saw his Jedi master murdered by a mysterious tattooed Sith Lord when he was still a padawan. Now, Obi-Wan loved his master, and so naturally he challenged his murderer to a duel. He failed, but the Sith let him live, and now he has dedicated his life to revenge…and left the Jedi Order to seek it. He’s been searching for the tattooed Sith ever since.
Dex is honestly in this gig for the money, but he’s forever annoying Nute with his horrible dad jokes and puns, and in spite of himself he’s basically adopted Obi-Wan. The guy clearly needs someone to look after him.
Maul is the tattooed Sith Obi-Wan is searching for. He’s been working as Palpatine’s lieutenant all this time. His assistant Ventress keeps his Pit of Despair running smoothly.
Barriss is the Jedi healer who used to work for the Republic, until the Republic’s stinking Chancellor fired her (and all the other Jedi), and thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject.
Ahsoka is not a witch, she’s her wife, but after what Barriss just said, she’s not even sure she wants to be that anymore.
Yoda is a very impressive clergyman indeed. Because of reasons.
A few choice scenes:
Anakin learning fencing and the Force and anything else people will teach him while playing aide to Dooku’s Dread Sith Lord Vader.
“Good night, Anakin. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.”
Obi-Wan helping Anakin scale a cliff so that they can have a proper duel. “I see you’re a Sith Lord,” he says. “You don’t by any chance have tattoos on your face?”
“Do you always begin conversations this way?”
Obi-Wan tells his story, after which Anakin graciously removes his mask to show that his face is tattoo-free. And then they fight. It’s all very cordial.
“Why are you wearing a mask?” Dex asks. “Were you burned by lava or something?”
“Oh no, it’s just they’re terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future.”
Anakin and Nute Gunray have a battle of wits.
“But Sarlaac venom is from Tatooine, and Tatooine, as everyone knows, is entirely peopled with criminals, who are used to not being trusted as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.”
Padmé and Anakin escape to Tatooine (it’s definitely Tatooine), where they attempt to hide out from Palpatine.
“What are the three dangers of Tatooine? One, the lightning sand. No problem. Two, the sarlaac pits. There’s a growling sound that precedes those, so we can avoid them easily…”
“Anakin, what about the WROUSes?”
“Womp rats of unusual size? I don’t think they exist.”
A fight with several womp rats immediately follows.
Padmé makes a bargain with Palpatine to save Anakin’s life. At this point she hasn’t realized quite how awful Palpatine is, but even so, she’s already planning how she’s going to get out of this.
Unfortunately, Palpatine wastes no time at all, and Anakin is turned over to Maul to be tortured. There’s dismemberment involved. When Obi-Wan and Dex find him, he’s a mangled, limbless husk, and very definitely dead.
Or…maybe only mostly dead.
Obi-Wan tries several stories to convince Barriss to help. She finds each of these stories increasingly ludicrous.
“He’s the Chosen One, destined to bring balance to the Force!”
Barriss just stares at him. “Boy are you a rotten liar,” she says.
“I need him to help avenge my master, murdered these twenty years!”
Barriss is even less impressed by this, but she takes a look, and unfortunately for her, Ahsoka won’t give her any peace until she’s brought Anakin back. It takes a lot of doing. Not so much miracle pills as the miracle of modern cybernetics, but hey, it amounts to the same thing in the end.
Besides, Obi-Wan’s promised that if Barriss saves Anakin, Palpatine suffers humiliations galore, and that is definitely a noble cause.
Meanwhile Padmé has a crisis of conscience and goes barging into Palpatine’s office one night.
“It comes to this: I love democracy. I always have. If you tell me I must be your puppet Queen, please believe I will be leading a revolution by morning.”
Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Dex break into the Naboo palace by means of a cunning plan involving a hover sled, Ventress’ lightsabers, and a fog machine they found in Maul’s torture pit. (Look, Maul is absolutely the dramatic type who owns a fog machine. Don’t blame me. That’s just science.)
Rescuing Padmé proves to be the most difficult part of the whole plan, mainly because Padmé has already rescued herself, and finding her is a bit difficult. And then Obi-Wan catches sight of Maul the tattooed Sith, and he’s off on his quest for vengeance.
Meanwhile Anakin still can’t walk that well on his new legs and ends up having to bluff his way through a fight with Palpatine.** Or at least, to keep Palpatine occupied just long enough for Padmé to take him down with a stun blast.
(Anakin really wanted to kill him, but Padmé insists Palpatine has to stand trial. Anakin isn’t convinced; at least, not until she points out that Palpatine living a long life alone in prison with his failures would make a much more satisfying revenge.)
“Hello. My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi. You killed my master. Prepare to die.”
And of course, for maximum irony, this story ends with Obi-Wan becoming the new Dread Sith Lord Vader.
* Okay, okay. I realize Dex as Fezzik is a stretch. But everyone else fits so perfectly and there’s really no one in the PT era who fits for Fezzik. I considered Chewie, but he doesn’t have a connection with Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan apparently has no friends outside of Anakin and Dex. :( So.
** So I wanted to make a joke about “to the pain,” only I realized that what happens to Anakin in canon basically is “to the pain,” which…kinda destroys the humor tbh.
Hannah, Percabeth Princess Bride AU! And Luke is Prince Humperdink, and Frank and Jason or whatever can be Indigo and Fezzik. IM SO PUMPED.
SHANNON I JUST SCREAMED A LITTLE BIT
i’m also feeling genderbend idk why, but i want Percy as Princess Buttercup and Annabeth as Westley because then Annabeth can save his ass and carry him through the fire swamp etc and oh i love it i’m not sorry. and still Luke as Prince Humperdink, Jason as Inigo, Frank as Fezzik, Octavian as Vizzini, Piper and Leo as Valerie and Miracle Max, and Hazel as the Impressive Clergyman?? idk??