the idea of gender is offensive to my people

This is a kind of discourse I usually try to avoid, because “people are saying mean things about a group I belong to, and I must defend our honor” tends to be a pretty bad look, but…

There’s been a fair amount of discussion recently about the idea that gender nonconformity among cis men is harmful or offensive to trans women. (Which, to be clear, is a terrible and toxic idea.) And people are talking about, like, why trans women would be invested in upholding a narrow range of acceptable male behavior.

But it’s been my experience that most of the loudest voices saying that gender non-conformity is offensive to trans women are cis people puporting to speak on our behalf rather than trans women (who, after all, very frequently have histories as “men” who fail to conform to male gender roles in some ways). This is not universally true –there are a fair number of trans women who are virulently anti-drag, and a smaller but non-negligible number who oppose cross-dressing and gender nonconformity more generally– but it seems to me that the worst offenders tend to be cis people speaking for us.

Which makes the psychologizing about “Why do trans women want this?” seem a little bit distasteful. I don’t want this, I don’t think most trans women want this, I think the reason that people latch onto this idea is that trans people are in vogue and offer a convenient excuse for enforcing the same gender norms that they’ve been enforcing for decades. This is something that’s deeply harmful to trans women, and it’s happening in our name but not so much with our input, and centering the conversation on why we want this feels a bit like the archetypal schoolyard bully asking “Why are you hitting yourself?”

anonymous asked:

are drag queens and kings offensive/rude to trans people?

I’m cis, so it’s not my place to say what’s offensive to trans people. 

With that said, there are a lot of elements of ‘mainstream’ drag that rely on distinctly transmisogynistic tropes, and some cis queens use transphobic slurs or play into extremely toxic ideas. The more cissexist the environment, the more  chance those performing in drag will end up playing into dangerous transphobic beliefs (especially if it’s a drag community trying to appeal to cishets). There is already a huge problem with cishets conflating drag, gender nonconformity, and trans identity, and knowing that broader societal context, it’s extremely irresponsible and dangerous to play into that confusion/ignorance.

However, there are also a ton of trans people who perform in drag, and before the trans community was more solidly established a lot of trans people were able to gain validation, acceptance, and community through drag. It’s an important part of trans history that I don’t think should be disregarded, especially because a lot of closeted trans people are still able to find comfort in drag even today. 

And I think a lot of young people who are gender nonconforming in whatever direction– drag gives them a way to ‘try on’ an exaggerated version of a style they might be a lot more comfortable with later on. A lot of (cis and trans) butch lesbians and (straight and GBPQ+) trans men start out performing as kings, and if they get positive reactions & acceptance through that, they feel safer to embrace that part of their identity publicly. 

Ultimately, I don’t personally believe that the act of performing in exaggerated versions of culturally established genders is inherently problematic, but within the context of a culture which is violently transphobic– and especially transmisogynistic– it can easily become a tool of violence and oppression. It’s important to be critical and aware of this when entering drag communities. And I 100% trust the judgement of trans people to make the call when those communities should and should not be supported. 

anonymous asked:

whats the dif between bi and pan? i used to think (and sorry if it's offensive) bi = likes men and women, pan = likes everyone, men, women, non binary, intersex, trans, etc. but i've seen posts saying those 'definitions' are wrong and are offensive (sorry!) so idk

I have no idea. I have literally no idea what the difference is. The good news is, we are not alone.

No, wait, that’s not good at all. The way I describe “bisexual” is “being attracted to my same gender and to others.” Some people use that definition for “pansexual” as well. The only definition I don’t like is the one where people say, “Bisexuals will have sex with cis men or cis women, but pansexuals will have sex with transgender people, too.” Because that’s just kind of a shitty thing that seems like a way to justify transphobia as being as innate as a person’s sexuality, and therefore unchangeable somehow. Seems like a “I don’t date transgender people because I’m just not attracted to them” cop out.

anonymous asked:

My ex-gf just found out I'm now dating a guy and she's being really hurtful. She posted that Alex Vause quote that's like "never fall in love with a straight girl" and she keeps telling people that her first love "turned out to be straight so fuck straight people". The thing is though.. She always knew I was bi. And I hate how she's telling everyone that I'm "actually straight" when being bi has been a part of my identity for so long. Any ideas for how to deal with this??

i do NOT understand why people feel like they’re suddenly ‘betrayed’ by their bisexual ex when the person dates someone of another gender. like… who you are dating now has ABSOLUTELY NO EFFECT WHATSOEVER on the relationship you had with her when you two were together!

and it’s honestly so disgusting she wants to pull the alex vaus bs, holy shit? i’m really sorry, that’s so unfair to you and offensive and inconsiderate and so many other things.

if you two are still on positive speaking terms, you could reach out to her and tell her that the things she’s posting are hurting you because they’re 100% biphobic comments and they are actively erasing your identity as well as erasing the relationship you two had, which is not something she has the right to do.

if you two aren’t on good speaking terms, the best thing to do is just block all this negative content and try to surround yourself with people who acknowledge and respect your bisexuality and who won’t jump on the bandwagon your ex is steering atm. while i can understand, to a degree, feeling jealous or sad or a lil upset that an ex is with someone new, this is just like very beyond any acceptable lines and she needs to chill the fuck out with this crap. 

in summary:

  • biphobia out the butt
  • who you date after a break up is not your ex’s business and even if they find out, they do not have the fuckin right to blast such offensive crap like this to garner sympathy by being biphobic like wtf
  • if possible, try to have a conversation to explain that this IS offensive and how it directly hurts you and your identity
  • if not, just block and make urself a pretty bisexual flower crown and remind urself that ur FABULOUS and VALID

-mod peach

I’m 100% for correct representation & I support a good deal of what people in the rpc are saying (cis people not playing trans characters, white people doing extensive research of cultures/history if they’re gonna play a POC) but if we’re getting to the point where we’re gonna completely limit everyone to only playing faces that have the same gender/race/culture/EVERYTHING as the mun………. it’s a little much in my opinion? It’s fine if you personally choose to only play faces that have your exact experiences in every way, but you shouldn’t police other people to the point where there’s no creativity allowed. Again, I agree that offensive portrayals or portrayals by those who have no idea what they’re talking about shouldn’t be allowed, but some of this is getting overboard……….

anonymous asked:

Non binary ask here. My character exists in a world where the concept of non binary gender is widely supressed. They don't know about it until later in the story. The foreshadowing is about how they discover being non binary.

This kind of thing really, really depends on your character. I know that in my experiences, I often did and said things as a kid that at the time I thought were whatever, but looking back, wow, I have always been nonbinary. 

For example, when I was a kid I knew I was something like nonbinary but I didn’t understand what a weird, controversial, almost taboo topic it is in society and I would try to convince my parents of it all the time. I’d say, so when do I get to be a boy again? since I had this idea that short hair = boys and long hair = girls and when I was a baby, I had short hair. I wanted to be able to fluctuate between genders. I understand now that fluctuation happens regardless of physical appearance for people like me, but as a kid the feeling had to match up with the physical appearance re gender roles. I also took great pride in looking androgynous as an elementary schooler - it was never offensive to me when I was asked to clarify my gender. It made me feel proud. I didn’t know why, because the concept of gender identity was so foreign to me - I thought you just were whatever your parents said you were - but I knew it made me happy to not necessarily exist within the ideas of male vs. female. 

Hopefully this makes sense and gives you some ideas. -T