the hunt for the ring

Dong of love

Context: i play a male dwarf barbarian in a party with a female gnome wizard, male elf ranger, female half orc fighter, and a male human cleric. My dwarf has no facial hair because of story reasons and long braided hair. The cleric grew up in a human-only town and had never seen a dwarf before. So he was convinced that no beard meant he was female, and has continued to hit on my dwarf every chance he got. My dwarf, after a whole in game year of this constant flirting (he barely began to take notice) decides he’s had enough.

The following takes place as we are shopping in a busy marketplace.

Cleric: Oh look love,*holds up a jewel necklace* i got a gift for you!

Dwarf: Dont want it.

Cleric: Whats wrong love? You usually like it when i buy you things.

Me(ooc): We’re in the middle of a marketplace right?

DM: Yup, middle of the day, tons of people around you.

Me(ooc): Cool.

Dwarf: IM NOT YOUR GODDAMN-UH *pulls down pants* I have a dong so there!

Party(ooc): Starts to loose their shit.

Dm: Make an intimidation check.

*nat 1*

Party: *Hysteria intensifies*

DM: (cleric) you find youself blushing at the sight of his dong. (Dwarf) Role for seduction.

Me: Oh shit, here we go.

*rolls a 18*

Cleric(ooc): Im a cleric having some very unholy thoughts!

Cleric: I dont care. *grabs my dwarf’s hands* My feelings for you will never change. *kisses dwarf*

Me(ooc): Im…I..I have nothing. I literally cant think of anything to do.

DM: As this beautiful display is happening, surrounded by dozens of civillians with various expressions, the light bouncing off of (dwarf)’s dwarven butt cheeks catches the eyes of a guard.

Guard: Hey pull up those pants your under arrest.

Half orc: Back off this has been months in the making!

*rolls a nat 20 intimidation*

Guard: S-sorry!

Wizard: I cast an illusion of (dwarf)’s dong ‘reacting’.

Me(ooc): Too late.

Long story short they are still together and my dwarf is ring hunting. 

Itty Bitty Facts Before You Read ACOWAR

1) Cassian knows how to cook. He made stew at the Illyrian Camp 2) Every summer Rhysand, Azriel and Cassian go to the mountain cabins for a week and get drunk and hunt 3) Feyre still hasn’t worn the ring that belongs to Rhysand’s mother 4) Amren is super supportive of some sports team 5) Cassian and Feyre both went to the theatre to listen to music 6)The Court of Dreams all swore and oath to protect Feyre first 7) Feyre can shape shift into wings! 8) Amren went to sleep staring at The jewellery Varian gave to her 9) Feysand still hasn’t gone to the shops to try on the ‘lacy scraps’ 10) Supposedly Azriel had the longest wingspan 11) Rhysand sleeps utterly naked 12)Nesta kicked Cassian in the ⚾️ 🏈 🏀 🎾

Originally posted by sher-lockian

Random Loot Table

I consistently have players looting conquered foes, random strangers, ruined villages, etc.. And the truth is I almost NEVER know what they’re going to find. Usually I just spout some nonsense at the top of my head and it often ends up being dull, leaving my players less likely to look for items while adventuring in the future. I created this table to help give me a guideline for random loot, and it lets players feel lucky when they roll high and find something unexpected.

(Click Keep Reading below the image for more specific information and a text version of the chart at the bottom)

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Purity culture creates assholes like Hyle Hunt

I have this headcanon where Hyle Hunt started the wager on Brienne’s maidenhead because he was hoping to marry her. The idea was that he’d pop her cherry, and then he’d say, “Well, my lady, that just happened, so you might as well marry me,” and he’d say to his bros, “This is how it’s done,” as he becomes the future Lord of Evenfall. Or Brienne would lose her virginity to some other jackass, and Ser Hyle would lose the bet but he’d also have a chance to say to her, “Okay, you’re not a virgin anymore, but I’d marry you,” and she’d see what a lucky break that is, so he’d become the future Lord of Evenfall.

That scenario doesn’t make the wager any less offensive, but it does provide a useful frame around his behavior.

The narrative purpose of Hyle Hunt is basically to be a foil against all the other men who’ve assumed romantic significance in Brienne’s life. Unlike Renly Baratheon, he is actually available to her and still alive. Unlike Ronnet Connington, he doesn’t turn on his heel simply because she’s tall and has tiny bosoms. Unlike Humfrey Wagstaff, he doesn’t object to her being a fighter.

(Honestly, let’s have a moment to marvel at the sheer jackassery of Ronnet Connington recalling “most sows have bigger teats.” The girl was TWELVE, for Seven’s sake. You want to know how anyone can defend Ser Hyle? It’s because we’ve met Ser Ronnet.)

On a sociological level, the wager was so dangerous because of the concept of virginity as a commodity. If a noblewoman is known to have spread her legs with a man who is not her husband, she’s treated like damaged goods while the man suffers no adverse consequences. Her first sexual experience is seen as an achievement for the man and a degradation of the woman. That culture is what made the wager so attractive to the participants and that is why Randyll Tarly had to put a stop to it. That the same Towering Shitbucket Tarly tells Brienne she’s to blame for the wager simply because she’s there, is of a piece with that mindfuck of penalizing women for giving men what they want. On an individual level, the wager was so hurtful to Brienne because some of those guys, and Ser Hyle was probably the most successful in this area, actually made her feel appreciated for a short time. To a girl who’s been told all her life that she’s hideous and unloveable, for that appreciation to be a lie is especially destructive.

The personality flaw that makes Hyle so obnoxious is that while he’s willing to learn from his mistakes and do better in the future, he can’t embrace the vulnerability that comes with apologizing. He knows Brienne is pissed off at him for trying to pop her cherry on a bet, but he can’t bring himself to say, “The way we treated you was shitty and I’m really sorry we did that to you.” Instead he keeps talking about how ugly she is. Do better, Hyle!

Even so, in the context of the ass-kissing/back-stabbing culture of Westerosi nobility, there’s something refreshing about Hyle’s willingness to say to Brienne, in as many words: “Okay, you’re homely, but you’re a healthy grown woman with lands and titles, and I’m a dickhead, but I have a pulse and a healthy sperm count, so whaddya say, babe?” It’s the most unromantic proposal in the history of proposals, but compared with Bronn marrying Lollys Stokeworth, Ser Hyle is acting like a fairytale prince. He’s still a dickhead and Brienne has every right not to trust him, but I admire his accountability.

That said, I don’t expect to see any more character development on the part of Ser Hyle. His chances of surviving the Lady Stoneheart situation rank somewhere between Robert Baratheon and Dontos Hollard. The guy’s sigil is a dead deer, for Seven’s sake, and as a foil against all the other men in Brienne’s life, he’s outlived his usefulness now that she’s reconnected with Jaime. Which would she rather have: “I’d fuck you with the candles blown out” or “Blue is a good color on you, my lady”? Would she rather have “I’ve seen other men wed lackwits and suckling babes for prizes a tenth the size of Tarth” or “Take this priceless sword covered in my family’s branding and call it Oathkeeper”?

Ser Hyle’s part is all played out.

Engagements Faceless Gif Hunt

ツ Underneath the read more cut are 20 or so, medium or large faceless gifs of engagements. None of these gifs are mine. All credits goes to the makers. I apologize for any of these that are taken from crackships/gif hunts were people have requested they not be put in gif hunts; i don’t have access to the original locations of the gifs. Please like or reblog if this was helpful!

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Not My Dean

Originally posted by bringmesomepie56

A/N: For my darling nugget @impala-dreamer and her One Prompt 4 All Challenge. The prompt is bolded. Beta’d by actual angel @amanda-teaches. I tried something a little different (for me at least) let me know what you think! Please? No seriously I die for feedback I’m trying to get better at this racket and I can’t without it okthanksloveyoubye. ;) Enjoy kiddos! (ps if you feel like subjecting yourself more often, tag lists are open)

Words: 1,650

Warnings: Few swears, monster-related hostage type situations, smidgen of angst. Nothing crazy though, it’s all pretty PG-13.

~

“What the hell?” You were groggy and sore. Why the hell were you groggy and sore?

“Y/N? Hey, are you alright?”

“Sam?” You tried opening your eyes, only to find darkness. Scrunching your nose, you realized you had a blindfold on. That would explain the dark. As you slowly started to come to, you realized your soreness came from your hands being tied behind your back and your ankles to the legs of a chair. Not to mention your pounding head. Best guess was you were hit with something. Hard.

“Yeah, it’s me. Are you hurt? Like hurt, hurt?”

“Uh, no. No, I don’t think so. My head might be bleeding or maybe was bleeding? But it’s not bad. Where are we? I have a blindfold on. Do you have a blindfold on?”

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