the human vacuum cleaner

theauraking  asked:

So it seems Clint and Steve both seem to be a bit lacking? Yeah lacking in intelligence. But who's done the dumbest thing since being thawed out

i am not even gonna consider this question, because if i start thinking through all the stupid nonsense clint and steve get up to i will hurl myself out a window purely in self defense. 

none of the avengers should ever spend time together. separately, theyre reckless to the point of idiocy; together, they fight crime. and cause massive amounts of property damage, and have reduced several psychologists to tears. it wasnt pretty.

but you know, fate of the world and all that nonsense. 

(to be fair to them, none of the avengers are stupid. they just get sucked into each others bad-decision vortexes)

in the interests of preserving that most blessed of coping methods, denial, i will only consider what steve and clint have gotten up to in the past two weeks. 

which still gives me a horrifying wealth of options.

dumbest thing steve has done? accepted clint’s challenge to a spicy-food-eating contest. captain triangle torso has enhanced senses. he takes his NORMAL food underseasoned, because his taste buds are extra-sensitive, and he took a spiciness challenge from clint, who spent his developmental years eating literally anything. last week i watched him pour pineapple juice into his hot chocolate. it was terrifying. i have seen clint drench jalapenos in ghost pepper sauce and eat them.  i have seen him put chocolate on pizza. there is nothing that man will not eat. 

nothing.

steve got one bite in to one of clint’s ghost pepper chicken wings and his whole face swelled up and turned red. he kept eating. his eyes and nose were running. he got three bites in and was leaking from his whole face. he looked like he was gonna die. he drank a gallon of milk and was in bed for over a day. his fancy supermojo can fight off toxins but not ghost peppers, apparently. he said it was the most painful thing he’d ever felt, the supersoldier easy bake experience included. 

clint finished his bucket of ghost pepper hot wings and played mario kart for three hours. which is what he usually does on wednesdays. 

dumbest thing clint has done lately? “borrowed” natashas favorite dagger set. her vengence was swift, brutal, and left clint sans eyebrows and with tony’s goatee drawn in sharpie, refreshed nightly for a week. talk about shame.

she is a ruthless woman.

as to which of these was stupider? i honestly cant say, and thinking about it makes me regret so many decisions. 

so many. when did my life become this nonsense

A Summary of Tokyo Ghoul:re Chapter 131

-Kids: we want to be read to
Kaneki: how about I
Kids: Not you king BOI

-Spy kid drools over Kaneki’s edgy phase

-Ken stop ripping from the route a opening

-Kaneki: I KNOW I GOT THE HARRY POTTER GLASSES BUT I AINT NO CHOSEN ONE

-Kaneki on the right path of becoming a dilf

-You got to eat Ghoul dick again Kaneki

-Ayato: I don’t speak Tokyo Human

-Kaneki becomes the vacuum cleaner for Touka as neck

-Kaneki couldn’t You eat touka out like a normal person

-Next time on Tokyo Ghoul:re: Biting might be kinky but buy her a ring next time

...and welcome to the hUNHhhht! part 2
  • Henryk: A life-size human person.
  • Yurie: The only surefire way to disengage your temporomandibular joint - DOCTOR BITCHCRAFT!
  • Willem: Put the "pal" in "high school principal".
  • Gilbert: The human vacuum cleaner with an insatiable hunger for pain.
  • Micolash: You're going to die up there.
  • Laurence: The 12th step that always sends you spiraling back down.
  • Ludwig: The visual depiction of untreated mental illness.
  • Simon: The award-winning life coach who's been dead for 25 years.
  • Brador: The original American horror story.
  • Maria: The beautiful blonde babysitter who won't get out of here without singing the blues.
Proud

Just as a pregnant woman you were, you had lots of cravings, to which you usually wouldn’t give in to but with such a lovely husband as Murasakibara Atsushi it was pretty hard not to. Whenever he saw your absentminded gaze as you started thinking about eating some (favourite sweets) mixed up with (favourite food), he just couldn’t not to give you what you wanted. Despite your constant grumbling that if he keeps buying you all the stuff you felt like eating you’ll end up looking like a whale. Murasakibara only smiled at your adorable pout and kissed your forehead.

Keep reading

N: He’s going to lose on purpose if he likes you, but if you’re dating then he’s going to try to get to your lips as fast as he can. Imagine N taking fast, but very quick bites toward your lips, and then chickening out in the end if you’re not dating and full on smooching you if you are. “I won! I won the game and your heart, right?” 

Originally posted by vixx-syndrome


Leo: Pfffft. He’s going to be too embarrassed and giggly to even play it right whether you’re dating or not. But once he calms those butterflies of his, expect him to take an enormous portion of the stick just to get close to your lips so you have no where else to move. Ballsy, eh? “Oh, sorry I got a little carried away there.”

Originally posted by chabulous

Ken: He might be a little serious if he likes you, most likely taking his time and letting you win. But if you’re dating, then it’s going to be hard for you to keep a straight face as Ken tries his best to get to your lips in one bite. He’ll probably break the stick too early trying to be a human vacuum cleaner. “You were taking too long and I wanted to kiss you already.”

Originally posted by jaebmz

Ravi: If he likes you, then he’s going to try to be cool about it by taking enough bites to get close to your lips in hopes that the stick breaks before he blows his cover of crushing on you. Which his cover would definitely be blown considering he’d be staring at your lips or eyes the whole time instead of the stick. If you’re dating, he’ll probably just eat the whole stick and then kiss you. “*eats stick* There I won. Give me some sugar!”

Originally posted by arabmorgan

HongBin: If he fancies you, he’s going to chicken out and break that stick early because his mind would be too focused on the ‘what if?’ part of the game in the event your lips got super close to his. But if you’re dating, he’s going to get to those lips in under five seconds. Confident HongBin is a sexy HongBin. “Y’know you don’t need a ruse to get me to kiss you. But I know I taste better with dessert.”

Originally posted by chabulous

Hyuk: All right, this human being. If he likes you, he’s just going to play it cool and play the game normally. No surprises or nervousness there because he’s probably still trying to feel you out. But when you’re dating he’s going to be the goofy dweeb that he is and most likely break the stick, steal it from you, eat all of it and anything else he can do to make you laugh or annoy you. The two of you would literally go through a whole box of sticks and then some before either one of you can be declared a winner. “Oops. The stick broke. Oh crap! It fell. Dang it! Maybe if my lips weren’t so kissable you’d actually focus on the game and stop breaking the sticks!”

Originally posted by vixx-confessions

Thanks for asking!
-Admins Cheezy ^_^ & Dearly :3

aeruiel  asked:

Ned, please show Thranduil a bunch of human things like TV and a vacuum cleaner and report back. =D

Ned: Hi, so…. Thranduil is a little occupied right now. I showed him a vacuum cleaner, as you suggested… he jumped up onto the couch and pulled out his sword to “kill the monster”. I decided that was maybe a bit too much to start out with in terms of exposing the King to human technology, so I changed things… He’s listening to books on tape of Harry Potter. I think he likes it. He’s already gotten through the first one with no problems…

Thranduil (from the other room): What is this?? HOUSE ELVES?? My people would never stoop to that level! I demand an explanation! PIE-MAKER!

Ned:

What if Yixing tried to complete all of his chores but a bored Chanyeol kept getting in his way. Like while Yixing was watering and talking to the plants in his garden he would notice Chanyeol nibbling at the mint and rosemary. While baking cookies for a bake sale he had to shoo a sugar covered Chanyeol off the counter with a rolling pin. After spraying Chanyeol with water when he kept chasing the vacuum cleaner, he told him he’s a human now and must act like it and he’s no longer a raccoon.

justgirlythings #5372

when he kiss u so so so bad he sucks ur entire face off thru a black hole and into another dimension like a human vacuum cleaner while propelling his whirlwind tongue muscle into the darkest pits of ur esophagus at TOP speed

Confession

Lately I just feel sad and lonely and as though I don’t really have much control over my existence. That I am just here based on pure circumstance and what kind of labor someone can derive from me. I feel like I’m living on borrowed time, I’ve overstayed my welcome and there is no feasible way for me to continue. I just feel so desperate for people who truly want me and understand me, but I feel like I only exist in fragmented pieces. There’s no space for me to be whole. It’s impossible to assert your humanity when someone only sees you as a vacuum cleaner. Sometimes I don’t care if I die, perhaps no one would really notice. It’s a selfish thing to do because of the real world consequences it would have. No death is without debt. But sometimes it just feels so freeing, to be able to be done with all this. I know that by being a black woman I don’t have much value. In capitalism I’m not worth anything inherently. There’s nothing I can do for people to love me. Everything is just work.