the honker burger

Never forget how Disney ruined Doug by slapping on a bunch of arbitrary bullshit changes:

• The Beets broke up
• Honker Burger closed
• Roger got rich
• Connie got a more “normal” body type
• Doug became Porkchop’s pet
• Skeeter’s safeword changed from “honk honk” to “eebeedeebee”
• The town was named Doug
• “Patti Mayonnaise Memorial Swimming Pool” WTF!
• Mayor White became part of Doug’s circle of friends
• Sex moans in the theme song
• Everyone could see Doug’s imagination sequences happen in reality
• 9/11 predictions got a lot less subtle
• Mr. Dink calmed down
• Judy Funnie became a baby
• Mr. Bone lived in Doug’s walls
• Doug’s voice actor was replaced by Sir Michael Caine
• Every episode was 4 hours long
• Every character was nude with grotesquely long, muscular torsos
• Roger always dropped a gun on the floor in every scene
• Doug turned twelve 
• Every episode ended with Doug’s parents dying

DOUG: Bluffington State University

Doug and his friends are college freshmen at Bluffington State University. In his journal, Doug describes his experiences with each of his friends since entering college.

Doug Funnie + Porkchop

Dear Journal: I can’t believe tomorrow is my first day of college. I’m both excited and a bit anxious. This feeling reminds me of the time my family and I first moved to Bluffington. It seems like it was just yesterday that Skeeter taught me how to properly place an order at Honker Burger. Or when I accidentally spilled ketchup on Roger’s suede shoes. I miss those days. Life was simpler then. The thought of moving away from home is kinda scary, but at least i’ll have my best pal Skeeter is my roommate. How bad can it be? 

Skeeter Valentine

Dear Journal: At first I thought having my best pal Skeeter as a roommate would be sweet, but man… I can’t get any studying done when he’s around! His beat boxing makes it nearly impossible to focus. He’s worse than Larvell Jones in Police Academy! I can’t even get any rest because he Honks in his sleep. Now don’t get me wrong, Skeeter’s great, but this arrangement just isn’t quite what I thought it would be. I wonder if it’s too late to share a dorm with Al & Moo Sleech?

Patti Mayonaise

Dear Journal: My roommate situation may be less than ideal, but at least I share a class with Patti. It seems i’m not the only one that’s having a hard time adjusting to college life. The thought of not being at home to help her dad worries her sometimes. I think softball helps to ease her mind. She’s still quite the tomboy. Her new hairstyle seems to reflect that also. She’s never looked better. Even after all of these years I still get butterflies when I’m around her though… 

Chalky Studebaker

Dear Journal: I think it goes without saying that Chalky is the most popular guy on campus. He’s a star student. All the girls love him. All the guys want to be him. And he’s the starting quarterback of the football team. In Bluffington State’s first game against The University of Bloatsburg Chalky threw a total of six touchdown passes. Pretty amazing stuff. What’s even more amazing to me is despite all of his accomplishments he still thinks he’s trapped in his older brother’s shadow.

Beebe Bluff + Connie Benge

Dear Journal: Social media is a great way to keep in touch with friends, but if you happen to be Beebe and Connie it’s just a more convenient way to gossip. Since Beebe became “instagram famous” she’s more snobby than before, which I didn’t even think was possible. And Connie’s ego is even bigger than her head ever since she reached 10,000 Twitter followers. It’s not easy to relate to them anymore unfortunately… It’s like they’re completely consumed!

Judy Funnie + Porkchop 

Dear Journal: I’ve been feeling a little homesick lately. I kinda miss my family. (Even Judy but don’t tell her I told you that). I hope my buddy Porkchop is doing okay without me. He’s getting pretty old. Mom says Judy put him on a diet because he put on few pounds from all those Honker Burgers. Nothing but beets and water. That’s no way to live. I guess Judy didn’t know that beets make Porkchop gassy before she made that decision. Boy is she in for surprise!

Roger Klotz + Stinky

Dear Journal: During middle school and high school Roger gave me a hard time. So I was a bit relieved when I learned that he wasn’t going to be joining us at Bluffington State. I hear he went to Bloatsburg Tech. Ned, Boomer and Willy are here, but it seems they don’t really know how to function without Roger at the helm so they joined a fraternity. They’re relatively harmless now. Though Boomer did tell me that Roger and Judy secretly dated briefly. Ugh.. Can you imagine if they got married? That would make Roger my brother-in-law. Yikes!

July 17th 2014

Prepare for a walk down memory lane…

I love villains. And this one right here holds a special place in my heart. He’s part of my childhood, and someone I watched for years on TV growing up. It’s none other than Roger Klotz, Bluffington’s local hooligan and school bully.

Ever since that fateful day at Honker Burger when Doug Funnie accidentally spilled Ketchup on Roger’s sweet black boots, Doug and Roger became arch rivals. And you don’t want to cross Roger, because he’ll spend years tormenting you. Plus he flunked 6th grade 3 times and has a jerkoff cat named Stinky (appropriately arch rivals of Doug’s dog Porkchop). What’s not to love about a guy like that?!?

Disney acquired “Doug” in 1996, where I continued watching the amazing Roger in action, every Saturday morning on ABC Kids. So this means it’s Disney, and yes, I can Disneybound it!

March Disneybound Challenge, Day 30: Roger Klotz