the great pyramids

Nintendo Announces Upcoming DLC Details for The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild!!!
  • The Dark World- An entire second map the size of the regular world with all new quests!
  • The Triforce Quest- A new main quest featuring the classic icon within the new “Great Pyramid Shrine” dungeon!
  • Two New Divine Beasts- Vah Gamerah based on the form of a turtle, and Vah Umbertus, based on the form of a walrus!
  • All New Weapons and Armor- Including the “Guardian Buster” sword, the “Bust Guardian” shirt, and the “Proton Pack” which can trap those pesky wizzrobes!
  • Mini-Games- “Waffle Making” and “Snot Rocket Distance!”
  • Unlockable Playable Characters- Ganondorf, Zelda, and Samus!
  • A “Nude Code”- By popular demand for Prince Sidon!
  • New Main Bosses- Including “Soilblight Ganon,” “Leafblight Ganon,” and the horrifying “Fusarium Ear Blight Ganon!”
  • Two New Runes: “Flame,” which can burn any substance in Hyrule, and “Guilt,” which makes enemies feel really bad about trying to hurt you, sending them into despondent hours of self contemplation and regret!
  • New Sheikah Slate Features- Including solutions to shrines in the “Sheikahpedia” and the words “Don’t Panic!” inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover!
  • Cars- Purchase and maintain cars with which you can drive across the plains of Hyrule. Customize your tires and paint job, keep an eye on your gas meter, and register your license plates with the Hyrule DMV! (75 Rupee surcharge per form filed in Lanaryu)
  • Mod Abilities- Including the ability to turn all Bokoblins into Macho Man Randy Savage!
  • Lent- Observe Lent by abstaining from meat for 40 days of game time!

This is the Great Pyramid of King Khufu.  Everybody knows the Great Pyramid of King Khufu, but you probably don’t know about the Shit Pyramids of his father, King Sneferu.  This is a shame, because they are amazing.

When King Sneferu came to the throne of Egypt, the cool thing that all the pharaohs had was a Step Pyramid, like the original one built by King Djoser and designed by Imhotep (not the mummy).  King Sneferu could easily have had one one because his predecessor King Huni had died before his could be finished. All Sneferu had to do was step in and put the last few blocks on.

But King Sneferu had a vision.  He didn’t want any old Step Pyramid.  He was going to build Egypt’s first smooth-sided pyramid, and make King Huni’s pyramid way taller in the bargain.  It didn’t work.  The core of Huni’s pyramid couldn’t handle the modifications and nowadays the Step Pyramid at Meidum looks like this:

It’s not on a hill - that’s the outer layers of the pyramid that have fallen down all around it.  The name of the structure in Arabic is Heram el-Kaddaab, which means something like The Sort-Of Pyramid.

Anyway, King Sneferu was understandably disappointed and made his pyramid-builders start over from scratch at a different site.  Apparently having learned nothing about the Big Fat Nowhere that hubristic pyramid ambition was going to get him, this pyramid was designed to be even taller and pointier than the last effort!  Too tall and pointy, in fact - the bedrock proved to be less stable than he might have hoped, and by the time the pyramid was half-finished stuff was already moving and cracking inside of it.  There are ceilings in this pyramid that are to this day partially held up by wooden beams.

The builders seem to have panicked and decided that the only way to finish the pyramid without another disaster was to make the top half lighter than the bottom half.  They did this by changing the angle of the slope, ending up with a pyramid that looks like this:

Egyptologists call this one the Bent Pyramid for fairly obvious reasons.  Uniquely among Egyptian Pyramids, it has most of its smooth outer blocks intact, rather than having them all stolen to build other stuff (most of medieval Cairo is built from the skin of the Giza pyramids).  I’m guessing this is because nobody dared touch the thing for fear the whole structure would come down like a giant limestone game of Jenga.

I’m sure the pyramid-builders were very proud of this solution.  Sneferu appears to have been less so.  He had them move over about half a mile and start over.  Again.  Why only half a mile when he had them move 34 miles between the Sort-of Pyramid and the Bent Pyramid is a mystery.  I think he wanted to keep them in sight of the Bent Pyramid so they could look at it and feel ashamed every once in a while.

And there they built Sneferu’s third pyramid, which is called the Red Pyramid.  As pyramids go, it’s a very cautious one - it’s got the shallowest slope rise of any Egyptian pyramid, and while it’s the same height as the Bent Pyramid it spreads its weight over a much greater base area, making it far more stable.  Sneferu seems to have been happy with this one, because he was buried in it.  Either that, or after a forty-eight-year reign he just finally died and that was the pyramid they used because it was the nicest of the three.

These three pyramids together actually contain substantially more stone than the Great Pyramid of Sneferu’s son Khufu.  By the time Sneferu died, his workforce had honed themselves into a lean, mean pyramid-building machine.  They had already made every possible pyramid mistake.  So when Khufu announced that he didn’t just want a great pyramid, but The Great Pyramid, these guys built him a pyramid so fucking great that we now think aliens must have done it.

It was as true in Ancient Egypt as it is now.

  • Sharknado 1: A former surfer who now owns a beach bar teams up with his bartender and some regulars to rescue his family when a tornado passing over the ocean rains sharks on LA
  • Sharknado 2 (the second one): The surfer and his family fight off a second, larger sharknado on a visit to NYC. His wife loses a hand, but saves the day by strapping a chainsaw to her stump.
  • Sharknado 3 (oh hell no): After being honored by the President with the Golden Chainsaw Award, the surfer must stop a massive sharknado from ravaging the Eastern Seaboard, by teaming up with his astronaut dad to shoot it with lasers from space. His wife, who now has a retractable chainsaw built into her prosthetic, gives birth to their third child while inside a shark plummeting to Earth from orbit.
  • Sharknado the Fourth Awakens: It's the future, and science can control the weather. Unfortunately sharknados have evolved past that, and proceed to mutate into bouldernados, lavanados, nuclearnados, and more. The surfer's wife is now a cyborg, courtesy of her mad scientist dad. The climax involves a chainsaw-wielding five-year-old, Niagara Falls, a mech suit, and a blue whale.
  • Sharknado 5 (global swarming): The bartender is now the leader of a cult which discovered a talisman capable of summoning sharknados. The Sidney Opera House is actually a Sharknado Defense System, as are the Great Pyramids of Giza. The surfer and his cyborg wife chase a teleporting sharknado around the world in the hopes of rescuing their son. Pope Fabio gives the surfer a Holy Chainsaw that shoots Divine Lasers.
  • Sharknado 6: Sharknados can allow people to time travel.
Breathe

You know that feeling where you feel like everything is crumbling all at once, not slowly but rapidly like water crashing at the bottom of fountains? That feeling where your entire world becomes black and there seemed to be no sign of any light, not even a glow? That feeling you get as you walk through the hallways, with the crippling fear that those tens of eyes by the lockers are judging every inch of your body, although those heads weren’t even turned?

Anxious. Your heart races at a speed not even NASA’s rockets can achieve, beads of sweat rolling down your cherry red face and your hands, clammy and white from that tight clutching you did.

Breathe, you will be okay. These feelings of helplessness that you get lasts for minutes in the real world but to you it’d could feel like an eternity. Breathe, they don’t stay forever.

You say that they will come back like dark clouds after the evaporation process, but you always forget that you are not alone. All you see inside your head is darkness, the loud silence piercing through your ears. Breathe, you are not alone.

Through every pain, every breathless moment, every time you feel like crumbling into a hole, you are never alone. These days will past, give it some time. Give yourself some time, breathe. All you see is darkness inside you, but behind that wall you’ve built is the brightest glow that you’ll ever see. Hope.

Break those walls, you are stronger than you think. They look like tough, unbreakable concrete walls. Little do you know that your faith and inner strength have the power of wrecking balls, maybe even stronger. What do you know? Try it and surprise yourself.

Get over that great pyramid, cross the open oceans, search for the end of that horizon, find yourself. Someday you’ll walk through those hallways confident and barely anxious. Someday you’ll learn that your self-confidence does not rely on other people’s opinions. Someday you will learn to love yourself.

It’s okay to feel sad sometimes, emotions are a part of life. It’s okay to want to be strong sometimes, you’ll find your strength. But it’s not okay to give up. For you have staggered through the thousands of sand dunes out there, scaled the tallest pyramid and fought the coldest winter. You shall feel happy someday because you deserve it. Your emotions deserve some enlightenment, don’t hold yourself back.

Go on an adventure like never before, embark on a journey of self-discovery. Find out who you truly are. Don’t give up, never give in for second, aim to be better than you were last time. You’re come so far to give up on this journey, life has never been this great for you. If you need a sign, this is it. Keep fighting, keep pushing on. The pain is temporary, there are solutions to reduce and prevent it.

Great Pyramids of Giza - Egypt

The pyramids of Giza are some of the most recognisable archaeological sites in the world. The pyramid is estimated to be made from around 2,300,000 stone blocks, that weigh anywhere from 2 to 50 tonnes each. All built around 2580 and 2510 BCE,  the Pyramids here amazingly all line up precisely, with the Constellation of Orion. 

Despite the extreme heat that Egypt experiences, the temperature inside the Pyramid of Khufu (the largest of the three pyramids) remains a constant 20°C.