the great porch

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Man you guys are gonna love me. I have one porch for you all, BUT there are several photographs. This porch/deck was submitted by a coworker and he also sent over some great stats like square footage. We’re gonna simulate movement of a party guest through this porch into (did you notice?) A SECONDARY PATIO. First off, I’m calling this a porch, but you can call it a deck too. Porch deck potato potato.

Lets go over some hot specs/stats on this baby first.
- 300 sq ft deck (built 2013)
- 200 sq ft patio with fire pit (built sometime between 1963 and 2007)
- 3 locking gates on deck to control access for kids, pets and strangers
- railing is designed to minimize child escape.
- 3rd seating area in the back yard if you want to consider the large fire pit a seating area (I absolutely do)
- deck has 2 dedicated seating areas in addition to plenty of space for kids toys/bikes
- has hosted many parties with no reported fatalities and minimal injuries
- house is on a mountain so there is a slight drop off and makes the deck feel like a treehouse (FRICKIN SOLD DUDE)
- At any time you can hear from the nearby high school or wetlands a HS Football/Baseball game, trains, frogs, or airplanes from the local airport which make a thunder sound in the valley.

Ok, first picture, we see the run up to the porch. I’m very encouraged to see (1) tiki torch and (2) potted plants in different sized pots (this is very important, symmetry is not necessary on these more woodland porches. We’re not about to hold a wedding or a funeral out here. This porch is all business for working folk. Also whats that I spy in the distance? A table with an umbrella!? Very impressive, rain protection is so important. Also it provides protection against any bird droppings or acorns from the nearby trees so smart move on the part of the porchowner.

Second picture, we get the whole ballgame. I’m spying dos kids bikes and they fit very comfortably on the porch which means the porch has great parking. I also don’t see a ticket on any of the bikes so lax parking enforcement too. Since the house is on a mountain in the woods you know those bikes aren’t getting stolen. Let’s talk about lighting for a quick minute. Porch lighting is a key demarcation between a porch that is merely good, versus truly great. Porch lighting should create a mystical yet homey feel. Christmas lights are absolutely encouraged. In this case we get lightbulbs strung in what appears to be a fashion an electrician might have slight issue with. I approve. This is the kind of deck that GETS BETTER when the sun sets. Just think about that. You’re out there with your friends having a good ole time, but wait! Oh no! The sun is setting and existential terror sets in. Hold the damn phone, we’ve got lightbulbs.

Third picture, we get a great look at the stone and grass patio. I don’t know if you all have noticed yet, but I’m a big fan of multiple GOSA’s (general outdoor seating areas) on one house. Options are super important. Also I spy a firepit. Firepits are paramount as they function as beacons to move guests off your porch or deck and onto the patio. Its like Lord of the Rings when Aragorn goes mountain climbing to light the beacons and all the Rohirrim show up at Minas Tirith. The only difference is in this case you just need to move your friends about 15-20 feet in one direction (thats about as difficult, especially your coworker Big Mike, he tends to post up a lot. Mike’s also the guy that drinks mike’s hard lemonade because his name is Mike, so shout outs to him).

Speaking of alcohol its time to recommend a drink for this porch/patio combo. My coworker told me he’s had the most success with an “an ice-cold fresh-made michelada.” Sign me up.

All in all I give this porch a 9/10. This is a Great Porch. I have also been invited over to this porch to do a field test of the chairs and other porch amenities and I will absolutely report back.

Next post coming on Monday! If you have porch questions or submissions hit me up over at https://twitter.com/porchrates



Playing With Flames

part one | part two


Pairing: Jungkook X Reader
Genre: Smut, Incubus!AU
Word Count: 3,711K
Summary: Summoning an incubus in your bedroom at the middle of the night was probably the best decision your curiosity ever led you to.
A/n: Oral, light spanking, a very detailed Jungkook smut scenario because I was thirsty | Non-requested

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When I first kissed you, I was very drunk. But your lips against mine made me feel more sober & more awake. Your pretty hair tangled my mind. The taste of the hard liquor on your breath and tongue was intoxicating, but not enough to make me unaware of how absolutely, and incandescently beautiful you were. I ever so wanted to reach for your face and feel your beautiful features. I could feel you laugh into me as you smiled at the songs that came on. Your laugh was sweet and fresh, and your smile ventured out into my body, reaching the far corners never touched before. You discovered me, but someone had already claimed you.
—  E.H
-I just woke up from this dream

Okay guys any suggestions on what to do against cats in my garden?

They shit everywhere, in my vegetable patches, under my roses, in front of the door (Toby likes to eat that so yey) and they ruin the furniture and plants.

During the day when the dogs are out they take care of keeping them away, but they’re not out all the time and the cats are probably out there during night…

My ideal dream would be to never have a cat set foot into my garden again, but I’d be happy to have them stop shit everywhere at least…

Porch for Dogs, aka ‘Dogio’

I wasn’t going to post today, but my father sent me this. He built this. He built this for a dog. Its a porch and ramp for dogs. On a house. I don’t know what more to say other than this is some next level porch construction.

In before you say this is less a porch and more of a threshold with an accessible ramp, okay yea sure whatever. My dad calls this a dog patio or ‘dogio’ which is really a phenomenal term.

I think a dog would really love this porch, one can imagine laying out on top of it or being scared of the outdoors cat that has taken up residence on top of it. Ya know, dog things.

10/10 great porch animal friends are great friends

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Outdoor Seating

@mcmansionhell​ challenged me and I have accepted.

So if you all don’t know what Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is, educate yourself here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs

Now business:

5. COMFORTABLE CHAIRS, CEMENT STEPS, LAWN CHAIRS, HAMMOCKS, ETC.
    Without comfortable chairs you ain’t got crap son. I know people say, “hey, check this guy out, he rates porches!” This is true, but I also firmly believe you can’t have a porch, or any outdoor seating without something to sit on. It doesn’t need to be a chair, it can be some steps, or one of those things in parking lots that stop you from moving your car too far forward. I find those plenty comfortable at 2AM. 

4. Structural and Physical Porch Security
     Great, you have somewhere to sit, you need to make sure its a safe place to sit. Is the porch structurally sound? Do you feel safe out there? Outdoor seating is about relaxing can’t relax if you feel like a monster is gonna come out of the dark and give you a big ole paradigm shift. I know I’d have to reconsider my whole worldview if a monster suddenly appeared bro.

3. Comrades in Porch Seating and Abyss Fighting
    Once you have a place to sit and it’s solid, the next step is a feeling of solidarity with other human beings. Sometimes I like sitting on a porch alone, but I often do this to be out in nature, among my fellow human beings, animals, bugs, nature, all that stuff. This can also mean having people on your physical porch or outdoor seating area. That’s even better and really, the whole ballgame when it comes to outdoor seating.

2. Positive Porch Environment
    If a porch doesn’t feel like a place that’s positive and relaxing, you ain’t got shit. I’ve been at plenty of barbecues where the company wasn’t for me and even though I was sitting on a porch, the party didn’t do much for me. You need people around who make you feel good and an outdoor area that feels awesome. Not to be confused with porch security. Porch security is practical stuff. This is all mental dude.

1. Talking About Porches While on a Porch, but Replace Porch with Life
      I mean come on. What is Self-Actualization if not meta conversations about outdoor seating? Though realtalk, the apex of sitting outside is talking about the act of sitting outside and I don’t mean this in a jokey way. I’m dead serious. The best nights of my life on porches have become top tier when everyone starts talking about “how great this night is” and “how relaxed they feel.” Its basically talking about life, but life is porches (see what I did there).

Imagine Sam seeing you in your FBI getup for the first time and walking into a closed door

Originally posted by jensennackels

Pairing: Sam x female!reader/shy!reader

Warnings: none except all the fluff I could muster. Adorable fumbling, nervous puppy Sam.

Summary: Sam sees you in your FBI getup for the first time and ends up walking into a closed screen door.

A/N: I’ve stared at this till I hate it, so here you all go. Sorry it’s not really Christmassy, I just thought of this in the shower (cuz apparently that’s where I think of all my plot lines) and decided to write it down. Also, I suck at titles, sooooo… yeah. Anyhoo, enjoy, lovelies.


Sam sat in his rental car in front of the witness’s house, waiting on Y/N and Dean. Normally, he was the one who stayed behind with Y/N to research, but he’d needed air, as he and his older brother had gotten into a heated argument earlier–about you.

“Just tell her already, man,” Dean had said around a mouthful of waffles.

“Would you shut up?” Sam hissed from where he’d sat on his bed, glancing towards the closed bathroom door. You had taken the room next to them, but for some reason, the hot water didn’t work in your bathroom, so you were showering in the boys’. “She’s gonna hear you.”

“Hope she does. Talk about a slow burn.”

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( The following is an excerpt from a fanfic which takes place 30+ years after the events of steven universe, all characters are of legal age, do not message me about this, this is your first and last warning. the rest of the fic can be found here: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12478479/1/Steven-Connie-and-Lapis-do-DMT )

!!!This post is not a joke, do not laugh at this fanfiction, it was written with care and is to be taken 100% seriously, this was not written “ironically”, if you laugh at this I will be so fucking mad, and legally, I cannot say I will hurt you, but if it was legal to do so, I would hurt you!!!

When the DMT is smoked on the ground, the soul is taken to the center of the earth where clusters of souls old and young kindle in communion.  When the DMT is smoked in outer space, one goes into a terrifically fast orbit around the earth, creating a charge in the body once bursts of spiritual energy catch up to the body and pierce through.  The body is charged.  The mind is on fire.  The soul is in “freefall”, but never makes it.  This trip lasts five days.

The threesome were transported to this porch in magnet boots and gas suits.  The time was near.  Once they felt ready- the DMT would be circulated in their space suits.  They looked around and noticed the ambient blue, the darkness of space, and the feeling of helium flesh.  They were ready.

Lapis’s Trip

Like glass, the image of the world shattered into hundreds of shards of glass, then into thousands of speckled stars, then into dust.  Beyond reality, lay before her a castle of granite.  Torch sconces lit with bizarre flames illuminated many goblins.  The goblins were dancing and jumping, and their necks stretched and snapped back into place at a rhythmic pace.  Lapis was swallowing over and over again bizarre psychedelic fluids.  Her body was a soup, no, light.  Her ululations were becoming to the goblins.  Intrigued, they snapped themselves into place beside her, and started doing some sort of violent dance that made her euphorically cackle.  Her mind afire, she joined the dance.  She realized now that she was a God.  She took pain to create objects with her mind.  She kneeled into a ritualistic surf, and pulled suddenly a plasma sword from her throat.  The bolt of energy protruding from the hilt waved like a snake.  Lapis shouted like a warrior and stabbed the sky with her sword.  A bolt of energy went into the atmosphere and broke it into glass shards once again.  This time she was in the clouds, though clouds made with the divine, not base matter.  What these clouds and air were made of was some sort of pure mathematics and infinity.  Continuous, lacking discrete particles whatsoever.  The Creator’s head sprang from the infinite reality of the moment onto the scene.  In a single instant she flew information into Lapis’s brain.  

Connie’s Trip

A pause.  Then, suddenly, a dim screaming.  It was the sound of humans in apathy.  The chorus seemed to grow in both number and amplification.  The chorus was growing.  Once she heard strange interference in the noise, rapidly changing and screaming in their own right, becoming in and of themselves entities, Connie crouched toward the ground.  Oh pain!  Give me pain so that I may learn!  Then the noise ceased so abruptly that the comfort was almost painful.  The cessation of noise was like the pain of a terrible orgasm, so intense and ear splitting that it causes apathy not through circumstance, but from an absolute perspective.  Now she fell gently and slowly, an opiate.  She could not see, nor hear, nor formulate a woman holding her, but she was.  She was a goddess.  Her consciousness ran towards the flesh of her tits.  It was a delight, and all of her being was pounding through its limits, transcending to kiss her own soul.  She was gold colored.  She smiled as Connie’s eyes met hers.  Her gentle womanhood turned into a determined, noble soul and she advanced.  The moment touched upon eternity.  Connie reached and grabbed her shoulder, and at this moment she looked her in the eye like a confused rodent.  This Connie adored.  “A poem first, my love.”

“Ah!  Mmmm.  Oh yeah baby!”

“What spheres, sisters of the moon, pull the tides of the soul?

What red dab indicated a violent tug from God’s brush?

Her eyes that do lull,

Her lips that so hush.

What mass of detail defiantly reached after her soul in sleep?

What domes of lust turn pink with ale?

Her hair that makes me weep,

Her cheeks that sacred burial mounds in comparison doth pale.

What meek little shape of flesh picks up the vibe?

What tender enunciation against the starry night?

Her nose that probes a gentle bribe,

Her neck that rises to tame my fight.

What globes hang from a mighty purse nailed to a wall of delight?

What poundcake quivers at the brush of my callused, evil hands?

Her breasts that caused my soul a light,

Her belly the great beast that shakes these lands.  

I am but a fool compared to thee!”

With that they began violent sex.  The whites of her eyes showed to her that eternity poured into her mind, through her stomach, through her eventually.  She too began to look like a righteous zombie.  Connie, out of breath, struggled to get out these words- “A poem to sex!-

The destruction of the earth is at hand!

A beam of light splits my mind in half!!

I am now righteous as your soul brings my body to sleep!!!

Cursed be nothingness!!!!

A light brings my brain…into…power!!!!!

I am Zablewgonad!!!!!!”

Connie started screaming.  From her mouth, shockingly, arose the chorus of apathy heard earlier.  But now it was welcomed.  This time it was louder than reality, and brought her utter bliss.  Infinity was at hand.  Suddenly her heart sank.  She was being ripped away by reality.  She exclaimed, “Come back for me!!!!!!”

“I shall fuck you again!!!!!!  Harder!!!!!!”

Steven’s Trip

Machines.  Machines everywhere.  Is this a dream?  Suddenly a robot jumped into him.  Steven was frightened.  He was not controlling his body.  Suddenly the scene of the great porch passed onto the right of him as the real Steven turned around.  He was on the computer the whole time?  Then who IS Steven?  “He” scrambled around the room, fearful and sobbing.  Suddenly the advanced computer room passed onto the right of him as he turned from the magnetic resonance brain signal interpreter.  Steven was screaming.  The scream destroyed reality, and his- soul he guesses- God knows what the hell anything means anymore- tumbled forward in a space that wasn’t space.  Then this space spiraled into a mathematical point and inverted itself into the inverse world.  He then sprang into reality, yet everything was reversed.  

Connie got punched in the face by a cyborg.  While she was seeing stars, and while Steven and Lapis were seeing empathic stars, the cyborg proclaimed, “I am Killquest, pleased to meet you.”  Killquest was approximately seven feet tall with a slight resemblance to the “Somewhere in Space” Edward, the Steel Maiden mascot- only meaner.  As he looked steven in the eye in anticipation for a response, it was if his bionic eyebrow was raised…      

2

Aight folks. Its Friday and next Friday I’m moving! In porch news my friend Michael who is an art handler in my department submitted his porch. This is the first porch I’ve reviewed that I’ve also sat on! Multiple times! Another first, first porch picture with a human being in it! And yet another first, THERE’S A CAT IN THE FIRST PHOTO. That’s Bagheera, he’s a cat Michael found and keeps now. Bagheera is very ornery, but quite loveable. He’s also tangled with many animals larger than him. Ornery outdoors cats are a wonderful addition to almost any outdoor seating arrangement.

I love this porch, though I disagree with a change Michael recently made to it. The porch used to have a porch swing in the rear near where the railing makes a corner. Porch swings are [100 emoji]. But, the purpose of this blog isn’t to judge people for outdoor seating arrangement choices they make so I’ll just leave that there.

Hot facts on this porch:
- made of concrete
- has two small chairs and one small table
- I count 3 potted plants
- is where I have smoked 38% of my shame cigarettes
- is about 15 feet away from where some mormon kids asked Michael and I for directions then asked what we were doing tonight and I was like “oh I’m about to go stand up comedy for the first time” (true). They then asked me to tell them a joke. I hadn’t even done stand up yet and people are already asking me to tell them a joke.

This is a great porch for casual hangouts, relaxing at the end of a hard day’s work, or lingering on while you wait for your friend Libby to get out of the bathroom because you’re going to be late to standup.

Drink wise I asked Michael his recommendation and he said he prefers a fresh tequila based cocktail. Seems solid [obamadrinkingbeer.jpg]. Tequila is perfect for porches you relax on at the end of a long day.

All in all I give this porch a hot 9/10. Mostly because of my time on it. Whoever said these ratings are scientific?

A New Acquaintance

Characters: Reader x ???

Words: 3154

Summary: Dean and Sam move into their new place, and eventually meet the reader.

Part 3 in New Roommate Series. Read Part 1 here, and Part 2 here.

This post is extra long to celebrate 7,000 followers!! You all make my life so much better and I couldn’t ask for anything better. Thank you. And, I am so excited to have the reader introduced to Dean and Sam! And remember, a pairing hasn’t been decided yet! ;) Enjoy!

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SKYRIM MEME: D R A G O N S R E A C H (Cold + Warm Challenge)
↳ : “Dragonsreach earned its name when the ancient Nord hero Olaf One-Eye imprisoned his foe, the great dragon Numinex, within the palace. It said that the Great Porch was ultimately designed to house a dragon. Now, it is the center of Whiterun’s government and home to Jarl Balgruuf the Greater.”

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So I went to Eureka Springs, AR this weekend which if you haven’t been, is a town consisting mainly of houses built into hillsides with porches. Look it up, its dope. It also has the best Mardi Gras parade in Arkansas, thanks to the large amount of multiple story porches and decks!

I photographed this beauty, a porch that has a terrace leading to an overlook porch! Incredible!

The upper porch is great, spacious, what decoration there is is sparse, but looks very fitting for the space. Honestly, this porch is so classy I can’t even think about what I’d do on it if I was blessed by the great gods of outdoor seating to sit on it. Like this is a porch so good you have important lifelong memories on it and shit.

Next up lets talk terraces. First off terrace is a great word. Second off this is a great terrace. But who cares if its good or great, its a terrace! It takes you somewhere! Where does it take you though? Grandmother’s house? Heaven? A bar with 3 dollar gin and tonics? Yes basically all of the above. So I wasn’t able to go down the terrace as there was a gate and the porch/terrace was a private residence, but it overlooks a holler. Imagine yourself sipping mimosas on a nice Sunday morning with a significant other or a friend, talking about how great nature is and temporarily how you aren’t so scared about the universe and the abyss and chaos and the ultimate heat death of the universe and stuff like that I barely understand!

Which is my ironclad segue into drink recs, mimosas for sure! Screwdrivers are acceptable too, but not for the overlook, keep that for the plebs on the upper porch. All in all Great Porch 9.9/10

Feel free to submit porches for my review at https://twitter.com/porchrates