The Muslim community is mourning the passing of Nabra, a 17 year old young woman from Sterling, VA. Nabra was beaten to death with a baseball bat and left in a pond after going missing while walking to a mosque with her friends. Hate crime against Muslim Americans is at its highest point with more than 67% increase since 2016. Nabra is another example of the escalating violence towards Muslims Americans. Activists gathered at Union Square to hold a vigil for Nabra and her family and to stand against violence against Muslim Americans.
Sometime before Beyonce was 21, likely around 18, Jay-Z sets his sights on her. The youngest he could have possibly been was 30.
The day she turned 21, he asked her to “go steady” by saying “Don’t embarrass me”. He was cheating the whole time. She had just turned 21 so he would be 33 in 3 months. This is in 2002. That same year Destiny’s Child announced a hiatus. They would release their final album in 2004.
Jay repeatedly boasts about the baddest chick in the game wearing his chain. He’s still cheating left and right.
Destiny’s Child has their last performance in 2006.
“I am alone at a crossroads. I’m not at home in my own home and I’ve tried and tried to say what’s on my mind.” - 2007
Bey married Jay in 2008. He’s still cheating.
She has a few miscarriages. Finds out her dad’s a sack of shit with all types of outside children. Is CONSTANTLY attacked by white feminists. Is told she isn’t open enough and consistently critiqued for “not being real” as she sings about this man, who has been grooming her to deal with his shit since she was 18 and he was 30, treating her terribly and constantly breaking her heart. Home is not the refuge is should be, not at all. Her husband is still cheating and, by his own admission, is not emotionally supportive in the slightest.
The Grammys keep finding reasons to rob her and taint the one thing still kinda working the way she needs. Her husband is still cheating. He’s having threesomes and shit. Still bragging about the hottest chick in the game wearing his chain though. Because, apparently, that’s all she was to him. A trophy.
2011- she’s still trying desperately to get him to be better. She’s still thinking she’s not doing something right (that’s what “getting in early” does for these men). This is when we get that epic love letter to Jay-Z in the album “4”.
She’s finally able to carry a child to term, but not without people constantly accusing her of lying about being pregnant and saying the baby isn’t hers.
Blue’s arrival and Beyonce’s reflection of the hell she’s been dealing with get her to finally consider leaving for real and for good. She’s about to walk away.
With Blue’s arrival, Jay finally thinks he should treat his wife better. It’s 2012. He’s been treating her like absolute shit, after grooming her to take the emotional abuse, for 11 years.
2013 - Beyonce starts telling her story in the eponymous album.
2015, once Blue is old enough to notice things start forming her understanding of relationships, LEMONADE. Trash men get angry at her “airing their dirty laundry”. Delusional stans of the relationship swear it’s not about them but her parents. Stans refusing to believe this man is who he is is part of her hell.
2017 - Jay-Z FINALLY admits to how trash he was, chalks it up to her maturing faster than him. Again…she was 18 when this started. He was 30.
Common experiences of lesbians who don’t know they’re lesbians yet
curiosity, I recently googled “Am I lesbian quiz”. Half the “Are You a Lesbian” quizzes just asked outright, “Are you attracted to women?” as though that isn’t the
very answer a questioning lesbian is trying to figure out. The other
half marked me as heterosexual for things like owning more nail varnish than
dogs. I hope this list will give you more nuanced ideas to think about
as you explore your identity.
These experiences are all really common among - but not universal or exclusive to - people who later realize they’re lesbians and find a comfortable home in the lesbian label and community.
It’s mostly stuff that I and
other lesbians I know have wished we knew when we were first coming to
grips with our lesbian identities, because the fact is it takes a long
time to discover how common a lot of these experiences are among
lesbians, and not knowing what to look for when trying to figure out if
you’re a lesbian can be hard.
‘Attraction’ to men
Deciding which guys to be attracted to – not to date, but to be attracted to – based on how well they match a mental list of attractive qualities
Only developing attraction to a guy after a female friend expresses attraction to him
jealous of a specific female friend’s relationships with guys and
assuming you must be attracted to the guys she’s with (even if you never
really noticed them before she was interested in them)
Picking a guy at random to be attracted to
to be attracted to a guy at all, not just choosing to act on it but
flipping your attraction on like a switch – that’s a common lesbian
Having such high standards that literally no guy meets
them – and feeling no spark of attraction to any guy who doesn’t meet
Only/mostly being into guys who are gnc in some way
Only/mostly being attracted to unattainable, disinterested, or fictional guys or guys you never or rarely interact with
Being deeply uncomfortable and losing all interest in these unattainable guys if they ever indicate they might reciprocate
Reading your anxiety/discomfort/nervousness/combativeness around men as attraction to them
Reading a desire to be attractive to men as attraction to them
Having a lot of your ‘guy’ crushes later turn out to be trans women
Relationships with men
Dreading what feels like an inevitable domestic future with a man
Or looking forward to an idealized version of it that resembles literally no m/f relationship you’ve ever seen in your life, never being able to picture any man you’ve actually met in that image
repulsed by the dynamics of most/all real life m/f relationships you’ve seen
and/or regularly feeling like “maybe it works for them but I never want my
relationship to be like that”
Thinking you’re commitmentphobic
because no relationship, no matter how great the guy, feels quite right
and you drag your feet when it comes time to escalate it
along with escalation because it seems like the 'appropriate time’ or bc
the guy wants it so bad, even if you personally aren’t quite ready to
say I love you or have labels or move in together etc.
Or jumping ahead and trying to rush to the ‘comfortably settled’ part of relationships with guys, trying to make a relationship a done deal without investing time into emotional closeness
like you have to have relationships with guys and/or let them get
serious in order to prove something, maybe something nebulous you can’t
Only having online relationships with guys; preferring not to look at
the guys you’re interacting with online; choosing not to meet up with a
guy even if you seem very into him and he reciprocates and meeting up is
a boyfriend mostly so other people know you have a boyfriend and not
really being interested in him romantically/sexually
Wishing your boyfriend was more like your female friends
Wishing your boyfriend was less interested in romance and/or sex with you and that you could just hang out as pals
Thinking you’re really in love with a guy but being
able to get over him in such record time that you pretend to be more
affected than you are so your friends don’t think you’re heartless
After a breakup, missing having a boyfriend more than you miss the specific guy you were with
Worrying that you’re broken inside and unable to really love anyone
Sex with men
Having sex not out of desire for the physical pleasure or emotional closeness but because you like feeling wanted
OR: preferring to 'be a tease’ to feel wanted but feeling like following through is a chore
Only being comfortable with sex with men if there’s an extreme power imbalance and your desires aren’t centred
Using sex with men as a form of self-harm
numb or dissociating or crying during/after sex with men (even if you
don’t understand that reaction and think you’re fine and crying etc for
Being bored with sex with men/not understanding what the big deal is that makes other women want it
Doing it anyway out of obligation or a desire to be a good sport/do something nice for him
having sexual fantasies about specific men, preferring to leave them as
undetailed as possible or not thinking about men at all while
Having to make a concerted effort to fantasize about the guy you’re “attracted” to
Early interest in women
Not recognizing past/current crushes on women until you’ve come to grips with your attraction to women
Being unusually competitive, shy, or eager to impress specific women when you’re not that way with anyone else
Wanting to kiss your female best friend on the mouth for literally any reason (”to practice for boys” included)
Getting butterflies or feeling like you can’t get close enough when cuddling with a close female friend
Looking at a close female friend and feeling something in your chest clench up and being overwhelmed with love for her - love you may read as platonic
had strong and abiding feelings of admiration for a specific female
teacher, actor, etc., growing up that were deep and reverent
Having had an unusually close relationship with a female friend growing up that was different and special in a way you couldn’t articulate
relationships would be simpler “if only I were attracted to women/my
best friend who would be perfect for me if she/I weren’t a girl”
a female friend is treated badly by a man, having your protective
thoughts turn in the direction of “if I was him/a man I’d never do that to her/my girlfriend”
Being utterly fascinated by any lesbians you know/see in media and thinking they’re all ultra cool people
your favourite character in every show be that one gay-coded or butch-looking woman
(like Shego from Kim Possible or Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica)
Feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable in locker rooms etc., when your
female friends are less clothed than they normally would be around men
and being more careful not to look than they are
The 'straight’ version of you
Thinking that all straight girls feel at least some attraction to women
that your interest in seeing attractive women/scantily clad women/boobs
is an artificial reaction caused by the objectification of women in
Being really into how women look “aesthetically”/“just as artistic interest”
Thinking it’s objective and uncontested that almost all women are way more attractive than most men
Being a really intense LGBT+ “ally” and getting weirdly
emotional about homophobia but assuming you’re just a Really Good Ally
and v empathetic
Having like half your friend group from school turn out to be LGBT+
Getting emotional or having a strong reaction you don’t understand to f/f love stories etc.
Having had people think you were gay when you had no suspicion you were gay
Exploring attraction to women
Feeling like you could live with a woman in a romantic way, even if you can’t imagine doing anything sexual with a woman
Feeling like you could enjoy sexual interaction with a woman, even if you can’t imagine having romantic feelings for a woman
you couldn’t be a lesbian because you’re not attractive enough, cool
enough, or otherwise in the same league as most of the women you know
with het sex/romance in media by imagining yourself in the man’s
position or just never/rarely imagining yourself in the woman’s position
Really focusing on the women in het porn
Being really into the idea of kissing/being sexual with a woman 'to turn guys on’
Being really annoyed when guys actually do express interest in watching or joining in when you do that
Only feeling/expressing attraction to or sexual interest in women when you’re inebriated or otherwise impaired
Having a lot of conflicting gender feelings that are only possible to resolve once you understand you are/can be a lesbian
that being gnc and feeling a disconnect from traditional womanhood mean
that you can’t be a woman even if that’s what feels closest to right -
many lesbians are gnc and many lesbians feel disconnected from
traditional womanhood since it’s so bound up in heteropatriarchy
you’re attracted to women and not being able to parse that (esp + any
gender nonconformance) as gay, taking a long time to figure out if
you’re a straight man or a lesbian
Being dysphoric about the
parts of you that make straight men think your body is owed to them,
having to figure out what that dysphoria means for/to you
you’re attracted to women, but feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable
trying to interact with them as a straight man, and only later
realizing you’re actually a trans lesbian
Knowing you’re gay, but experiencing a lot of the symptoms of comp het
when you try to interact with men romantically/sexually, and only later
realizing you’re a trans lesbian and not a gay man
nonbinary and taking a long time to sort through being able to
respect/understand your nonbinary identity and your lesbianness at the
Wanting to be a lesbian but feeling like if you don’t already know you are one you can’t be
guilty about wanting to be a lesbian, feeling like you’re just
attention-seeking or trying to be trendy
Suppressing your lesbian
dreams because you think exploring that desire would mean you’re a
bad/homophobic person using lesbianness selfishly
Wishing you were a lesbian to escape the discomfort of dating men
about how much fun it would be to be a lesbian and just be with women/a
specific woman, but thinking that can’t be for you
Worrying that some of your past attraction to men was actually real so you can’t be a lesbian
Worrying that bc you can’t be 100% sure you’re not attracted to men and can’t be 100% sure you won’t change your mind, you can’t be a lesbian
Worrying that you only want to be a lesbian because of trauma and that means your lesbianness would be Fake
Worrying that trauma-induced complications in how you experience sex (e.g., a habit of self-harming via sex w men or a fear of any sex at all) mean you’re not a Real Lesbian
Every item on this list is common among Real Lesbians. It’s all Normal Lesbian Stuff. If you’re worried that you can’t be a lesbian even though it’s the life you really want for yourself, I hope this gives you permission to explore that. You are allowed to be a lesbian.
And if you’re not sure yet – if you took the time to read this entire thing because you’re curious about your identity, if you identified with a bunch of items on this list – you may or may not be a lesbian, but friend, you almost certainly aren’t cishet. Welcome.
(I’d love to hear other things lesbians wish you’d known were A Thing when you were first exploring your identity!)
For me, being a dark-skinned black woman with natural hair, getting to be this center of this love story — Growing up, I didn’t get to see that very often…I think that artists and people in entertainment, we have such an incredible power to remind people of their worth and to help people dream big. So it’s exciting to get to be a part of that.
“This America thing. This capitalism… this stealing of sleep and selling of dreams.”- Nohmtema. 🇺🇸Happy fourth. Here’s to all the mediocre white men that have gotten the credit for what makes this country great🇺🇸
me, lying in bed in an extremely uncomfortable position, but not being able to move, feeling exhausted after weeks of constant dissociation, suicidal ideation and daily breakdowns: maybe i’m not mentally ill, maybe i’m just lazy
some seriously #blessed audio of nick choksi asking me to pass the letter to natasha, then singing right next to my phone for a bit! (sorry about the slow bit in the middle but the ending is worth it imo)
I’ve seen a lot of people struggle with the idea of Compulsory Heterosexuality, especially in wondering wether they might be a lesbian, and what the signs of compulsory heterosexuality are. I decided to make this post, to help out anyone who might need it. Some of these signs might apply more to bi-identifying women, and some of them might apply more to straight-identifying women. I asked both lesbians who used to think they were straight about their experience with comp het and lesbians who used to think they were bi about their experience with comp het, and of course added my own experiences.Warnings: mentions of sex and sexual fantasies, but nothing graphic. Special thanks to michael @snugly and all other bloggers that answered my questions and let me use their content for this post - your advice, patience and generosity means a lot to me.
You might be a lesbian if:
You wish you were a lesbian so you could escape the discomfort of dating men.
Men are okay in theory but terrible in practice.
You feel like you could live with a woman in a romantic way, even if you can’t imagine doing anything sexual with a woman.
You feel like you could enjoy sexual interaction with a woman, even if you can’t imagine having romantic feelings for a woman.
You lose interest in a man as soon as they seem interested in you - very common.
You find yourself trying to be romantically or sexually appealing to men even if you’re not interested in them.
As a child you always thought you’d either never get married or platonically marry a friend.
You can’t imagine having a happy and fulfilling future with a man.
You feel like you’re performing your attraction to men, for yourself and/or other people.
You expect relationships with men to be unfulfilling by default.
You like the idea of men being attracted to you, but you dislike the idea of being attracted to men.
You dislike being attracted to men in general.
You only notice the attractiveness of a man when someone else points it out.
You think your feelings for women don’t count, or that all women have feelings “like that” but that they’re not valid because you think it’s a phase everyone goes through.
You don’t want to date men, but you feel like you have to.
You think that because you could survive dating, marrying, and/or having sex with a man, you’re attracted to men (hint: you don’t have to settle for just surviving).
You think it’s objective and uncontested that almost all women are way more attractive than most men.
The men in your fantasies are faceless or symbolise an emotion.
You don’t like fantasising about men. After fantasising about men you feel uncomfortable or wrong.
When fantasising about men, you’re not really into the man in your fantasy, or the fantasy itself. You imagine another woman in place of yourself or imagine that you’re the man in the fantasy.
Lesbian or gay feels like the label for you but you still doubt yourself for whatever reason.
You’re only attracted to fictional men, celebrities, or man that are completely unattainable (i.e. your teacher, gay men, men in established relationships). Basically, you only like men if it’s impossible for them to like you back - very common.
You prefer/are exclusively attracted to “feminine” men, (i.e. men that wear traditionally feminine clothing, have traditionally feminine behaviors or appearances, and like traditionally feminine things) basically you only like men if they’re “womanly” enough.
You’re repulsed by the dynamics of most/all real life m/f relationships you’ve seen and/or regularly feeling like “maybe it works for them but I never want my relationship to be like that”.
You think you might commitment-phobic because no relationship, no matter how great the guy, feels quite right and you drag your feet when the time comes to escalate it.
When you do escalate a relationship with a man, you do it mostly because you feel like he wants to, or because it’s the appropriate thing to doy.
You think your interest in seeing attractive women stems from the sexualisation and objectification of women in media.
You think all straight women feel attraction to women to at least some extent (hint: 100% straight women do exist).
You think you have to learn how to love men.
You find yourself wishing you were a lesbian because it’d be so much easier to just be with women for the rest of your life.
You think men-attracted women over-exaggerate their attraction to men and you can’t comprehend finding a man as attractive as they do.
You can’t imagine being so invested in a man/relationship with a man or valuing a man/relationship with a man as much as men-attracted women.
You dread the idea of a future with a man.
Men expressing their attraction to men is more relatable than women expressing their attraction for men (there’s something specific about same-gender attraction that any form of it is just more relatable than different gender attraction).
You think you just have to give men a chance.
You feel very uncomfortable reading or watching m/f erotica, or even just general m/f romantic interactions.
Other people tell you you’re acting like an over-invested lesbian ally or you feel like you are acting like an over-invested lesbian ally.
You think your relationships with men don’t work out because you’re bad at relationships in general.
You think you just have high standards and that’s why you don’t want to date any men.
You think you’re just a late bloomer and will be attracted to men eventually.
You just. Pick a dude at random to be attracted to.
The only men you’re attracted to are those who hurt you, harass you, or abuse you.
You think it’s impossible for lesbians to have a happy future with women but you think you could be the exception to the rule (this ties in with internalised homophobia).
Do you love them because they’re your boyfriend or are they your boyfriend because you love them? If it’s the first, you might not actually be attracted to them.
You go through past memories trying to prove your attraction to men (”But I had a boyfriend when I was 13!”).
You put yourself through having romantic or sexual relationships with men to prove to yourself and other people that you’re attracted to men.
You know that lesbians exist but you think you can’t possibly be one of them because if you were, you’d know already - very common.
You think you’re attracted to men but just don’t want to date them.
You don’t like kissing/touching/having sex with your husband/boyfriend or you’re not attracted to your husband/boyfriend but it must be because he’s not the one for you (or another excuse).
Most of your experiences with men are/were men being attracted to you, and you sort of going along with it.
You only develop attraction to a guy after a female friend expresses attraction to them.
You find yourself wishing you could just have one hot fling with a woman just to try it out, or fantasise about it.
You think attraction is just “not being disgusted by a man”.
You enjoy consuming f/f erotica a lot more than any other type, and find fantasising about women a lot more satisfying than any other fantasy.
You crave “platonic” physical contact with your female friends but wish that men would just leave you alone.
You’re only attracted to men whose attention would somehow be profitable (i.e. men in positions of power such as your boss).
Deciding who to be attracted to, or asking people who you should crush on.
You try to pursue your feelings for other women through going on “platonic dates” with women and “practising on women”.
You think you’re too young/busy to be attracted to men or have a fulfilling relationship with a man.
“I would totally date [x woman] if they were a guy!! ! !!”
You have abstract crushes that you don’t actually want to progress into romantic and/or sexual relationships - very common.
You date men because it’s what you’re supposed to do, and stay with them because you can’t find a good reason to break up.
You really want to be a lesbian and only date women but feel like you can’t because of some lingering, vague idea of attraction to men, but the idea of dating a man is distressing, gross, upsetting, boring, unsatisfying or makes you feel trapped.
Being very specific with the men you’re “interested” in but having absolutely no type when it comes to girls because they’re all so beautiful.
Your favourite character in every show is that one gay-coded or butch-looking woman (examples: Shego from Kim Possible, Spinelli from Recess, Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica).
You wish your boyfriend/husband was more like a female friend.
You can flip on your attraction to men like a switch - very common.
These are the most common signs of comp het, but there are other ways comp het manifests than just these ways! You don’t have to relate to all of these to identify as a lesbian. You might be reading this and start to question yourself. This is okay. I recommend emerging yourself in sapphic content to normalise the idea of f/f attraction. Try reading f/f (fan)fiction or novels, watching films and/or tv shows with f/f couples, and following some lesbian/sapphic themed accounts here on tumblr and other platforms (beware of terfs! check a persons account befor you follow them). Other than that, I’d like to assure you that even though you currently have a boyfriend, a husband, or had one in the past, that this does not make you any less of a lesbian. If you’ve had sex with men, you’re not any less of a lesbian. You can still be a lesbian if you’re a trans woman or a nonbinary woman-aligned person, or if you feel connected to womanhood through your love of other women. Lesbian is not a dirty word and you are beautiful. If you have any further inquiries or questions, don’t hesitate to shoot me an ask! I’ll be happy to answer all of them.