I have never been happier than the moment your name was mentioned and I realised I had fallen out of love with you. Finally, it was like I was finally free of the chains I had tangled around my head and heart.
Getting over you was the best thing that happened to me.
I feel so sick and I’m gonna pretend that it’s because of the alcohol and not you, and the fact that the lips on my neck tonight weren’t yours.
Everything I did with him should have been you, and now he’s attached and I’m still hurting and everyone’s cheering because someone else just took off their top , and all I can think about is how fucking in love with you I am, and how if you were here maybe I wouldn’t be sitting in a room with a bunch of half naked drunk teenagers,
And I guess I kept hoping you’d turn up and we could talk about the future and how you want to die just to find a way to come back alive again
But you never did turn up,
So I let him do what he wanted to do to me,
Because for once I just wanted to feel some affection,
Even if it wasn’t from you.
I finished the book in less than 24 hours, compulsively turning page after page, needing to know what would happen next, who to trust, how it would all end. And, at the end, I’ve come to a conclusion, they’re both fucked up people.
Being alone doesn’t mean sitting in a dark room
by yourself, being alone means sitting in a room
full of people yet feeling empty. All my life I’ve
craved the love I gave but somehow it always
missed me. I have a family, I have a roof over
my head and so much more and honestly I’m
so grateful for it all. But this loneliness kills me,
it breaks every dream and shatters any ounce of
hope I’ve gathered after all these years of trying.
I just want to be loved and not just by someone
who’ll leave, not from my family because I’ve let
that expectation go, not by friends who will leave
me when things get hard. I want someone to hold
my hand and tell me I’m not alone and that I will
never face the darkness that lives within me alone.
I just need someone to show me that even someone
like me can be loved, despite being a broken mess.
I swear all I want is someone to hug the broken
pieces back together, to reassure me that one day
everything will be okay and I’ll eventually be whole.
One day I won’t be this broken soul that I am.
Excerpt from a book I will never write #31
Jenseternity / instagram