the funny thing is that i totally wanted this but it's not like i was going to ask for it

Let’s start it off with the one and only, the canon pairing of a sad sk8er boi and his tiny baker: Jack Zimmerman/Eric “Bitty” Bittle!

Ice Crew Please!

THE FIC THAT CHANGED E V E R Y T H I N G u don’t even KNOW oh my god

u read this and u r like: “ice crew au…?? wut” but U GUYS. READ IT.

I AM. BEGGING U. its so fucking funny but also so fucking meaningful and abt CREATING A Fa mILY !!!! and LoVe!!!! and frieNDShIP!!!

p.s i don’t want to spoil it but if u read it message me and ill talk to u abt the part that made me cry like actual tears bc thank god for friendships and acknowledging that shit is hard

the messes of men

this was… in it’s own way.. a hard fic to read (which makes it the best fic to read! pain! i love it! help me!) it’s very very very beautifully written and i hold it very close to my heart….how it portrays jack by himself and how hard it must’ve been…it also manages to weave in how mental illness plays its own role, even once you get together with the person you’re pretty sure is it for you. somewhat painful but cathartic and achingly tender.

until it got the best of you

umm bitty has a big dick. that’s it.

BUT then there’s feelings! and angst! and misunderstanding! (the best type too! u know when one is like so crazily in love with the other and thinks its shockingly obvious but surprise, it’s not!) it’s just fantastic!

i never saw the signs

imagine a world where jack jumping over the snowbank, bringing bitty coffee, going on long walks classifies (in jack’s mind) as dating. so when bitty gets asked out, jack cannot believe the b e t r ay a l! we’re dating bitty! just read this and be happy :)

left the city, my family, my precinct

oh my goodness this fic.

jack accidentally sends bittle a dick pick.

:0  ;)  <3 ___ <3 = summary of the fic

mixing it up

this is just….so cute?!??!?! and funny?!??! and 1!!!!!

bitty is contestant at a baking tournament for the falconers where jack and tater are the judges. at least, thats where it starts off.

tater is fucking hILARIOUS this fic in general made me laugh a lot.

strawberry

if u about that dom/sub life well…….just know that eric pins jacks hands to the bed and there’s v intense blushing that boi turns red like a tomato and i live 4 it.

eric is a tad too southern for me but it’s the only thing this fic doesn’t do perfectly :))))

something like this

considering how popular this fic is it actually sat open in a tab for a looong loooooong time just bc…well… it’s 285,748 words. im an all or nothing girl as in i once read the entire maze runner trilogy in one night so i had to find the right time

first of all: angst. second of all: angst. third of all: ….. u guessed it… angst. BUT don’t worry, for every drop of angst there’s a metro-fucking-ton of smut and sweetness :)))) ;))) what this fic does brilliantly is create an OMC that is at the forefront of the story and do it seamlessly. this is a pretty iconic fic and tbh im definitely not one for fics longer than 100k but this was a fuckin’ beaut man

rake the springtime across your sheets

oh god this was P A I N F U L but in a very beautiful way??? (that’s how u know the writing was siCK) ambiguously happy ending but tbh in the end this fic is really just abt the unspoken quiet truth of being in love, of loving, of being human just lke Fffffffuck me up

Phone, Please!

listen. i’m not a fluff person. idk i get bored. BUT. BUUUUUT. BUT. this fic.

AMAZING. this fic is all about the details and the little moments that make Bitty and Jack  ~*BittyandJack*~

Bonus favorite line: “Thank god there are pancakes to serve. Pancakes are also very nice, and something he can actually have.”

Winter Clothes

Chowder POV so this is both hiLARIOUS and surprisingly touching. Jack and Bitty help Chowder buy clothes for New England winter. As a person living in New England, I approve this message.

WIPS: *Hate That I Love You plays in the background*

medic, please!

so if u ever played world of warcraft u r gonna love it and if you’ve never played world of warcraft u r gonna love it

this fic is just SO CREATIVE?!?!! like the format of it is B O M B. its just. so good. oh ym god.

(also the name is “medic please!” get it? cuz eric’s a medic in the game.? and check..PLEASE! ugh I’m a nerd 4 this pic

Fainting Psychics and Pessimistic Demonologists

ghostbusters au except not bc copyright

at first i was like…ghost hunters au?? rlly? but now I’m like GHOST HUNTERS AU? B R I L L I A N T.

characters are on point, its funny (an actual line of the fic “Jack sat down at his computer, pulled open a tab, and googled “How to encourage a teammate”. lmao what a mess)

but also theres some mystery and intrigue and suspense and in general this is a Good.

baking is punk as fuck

this is another AU that i was like…punk band u ….rlly? but then i was like PUNK BAND AU FUCK YEAH im a sucker for asshole Jack. i’m not even into punk?? but im into this fic U ___ U

This Don’t Even Feel Like Falling

filed under “praise kink mmmm”

honestly? porn..? “Bitty is the one to tie Jack’s hands for Hazeapalooza; afterward, he ties Jack’s hands for their own private enjoyment. “ like?? I’m not sorry.

but also not established relationship more like fwb but u know and i know and ngozi knows that ain’t the game we’re playing here

around the green and blue

not usually a big fan of soulmate aus but what i love about this fic is the pacing and even tho soulmate aus where seeing your soulmate = seeing color for the first time isn’t totally new this felt super fresh and original!

shine for you

aw MAN this gave me the feeeeeels. established relationship but jack is not out, it’s a bit angsty but the jack perspective is just so gooood

EXTRA: It all started with a big Russian hockey player calling a small cat-loving hockey player a rat. You either h8 it or u luv it. In my case, I Love it, capital L, so enjoy: Alexei “Tater” Mashkov/Kent Parson

careful the tale you tell

Kent has been telling himself a story, ever since the Q. It’s the epic story of Parse and Zimms, and he’s in love with it. // this fic is specifically meant for patater newbies and this fic does an amazing job of showing why kent and alexei just make sense. its honestly a Blessing.

kick on the starter

lmao im gonna be 90 years old and still reccing Febricant’s fics…for real when i saw they wrote patater i was like…no..im dreaMing…or im dead? is . is heaven?? rlly unique approach to how she gets them together and gr8 build up :)))) Bless Febricant

i need to wake up, i need me some love…

honestly? shameless fluff. established relationship (they’re ENGAGED FOR GOD’S SAKE) short but Good

dex has red hair

i have red hair too, which is pretty awesome. and also horrible, sometimes, because being ginger affects so much more than the just the pigment of your hair. so anyways here are some facts about dex and his hair bc i can relate:

  • he’s so pale
    • he’s so pale
    • even when he kind of manages to get a little darker after a sunburn fades, he’s still paler than everyone else’s normal skin tone
  • he does not tan. ever.
    • yeah sure, he may work on a lobster boat all summer, but buddy, i promise you, he’s not gonna come out of it looking nice and bronze
      • (why do people write fics where he comes back from the summer with a killer tan??? no bro, he probably just looks like a lobster. it sucks)
    • his skin just slowly gets pinker until he has a terrible sunburn, and then sometimes if he’s lucky it will turn out a little tanner when it fades
    • he probably uses at least spf 50, lbr here
      • actually, nah probably higher than that if we’re being honest
      • and he has to apply it like every hour
    • ugh and oh my god, he probably gets splotchy sunburns!!!
      • SPLOTCHY SUNBURNS ARE THE WORST
      • basically you think you’ve put sunscreen everywhere and spread it evenly but NOPE
      • random blotches of your skin will just be bright red while the rest is ridiculously pale and you look like you have some sort of disease-ridden rash
      • it has probably happened on his face and it’s the saddest thing
  • he has freckles for dayssssss (especially after the summer because they come back in full force during that season)
    • freckles everywhere
    • in the most random places
    • some are on his lips and on the back of his knees and his elbows and just very odd places
    • its a never ending cycle of freckles fading while new freckles form
    • he kind of gets a tan through his freckles??? 
      • bc he has so many and as they fade they kind of blotch together and make him look tan, but when you look really close you’re just like, oh, those are just tiny dots bunched together, not the actual pigmentation of your skin
    • he has. SO MANY. freckles on his shoulders
      • if you are of the male specimen, you probably go out shirtless in the summertime, and the sun hits you really hard on your shoulders, and thus, so. many. freckles. there.
      • (this is literally the most prominent place of freckles for redhead boys. please ask my brother and all of my cousins)
  • “does the carpet match the drapes?” ;)
    • why do people ask this
    • he gets this all the time, and it’s not just from people hitting on him
      • PEOPLE JUST GENUINELY WANT TO KNOW FOR SOME REASON???
    • and it’s super awkward
    • especially when they don’t match. bc um. a lot of times they don’t. just so you know.
    • “haha, firecrotch, huh?”
      • will wouldn’t find this funny even if it were accurate
  • back to the sunburn thing, it’s nice in the winter when he doesn’t get fried!! JUST KIDDING BC BLUSHING IS A THING
    • yeah anytime he gets remotely embarrassed or flustered, his face is the color of a tomato okay
    • even if he’s not actually uncomfortable, it still happens
      • “dex, nice shirt, man.” ➝ red face
      • “dude, nice assist!”➝ red face
      • *accidentally bumps into someone* ➝ red face
    • anytime nursey says anything ever, his face is red. i promise you this. i know this to be true
  • HE NEVER WEARS RED
    • or pink or orange, for that matter
    • (but i mean he goes to samwell so the red thing is kind of hard)
    • he unintentionally gravitates towards green and blue clothing bc his mom probably accidentally instilled in him that they compliment his hair as a child
      • this is so real. this is the realest, most relatable thing
    • going to samwell was probably super weird bc he had to start buying spirit wear and stuff and when he did, he realized he didn’t own any other red clothing
  • people always make irish jokes or assume he is irish, especially around st. patricks day
    • dex has no idea if he is irish
  • people always ask if another redhead they know is related to him
    • no
  • he has heard every “ginger” joke under the sun
    • no one has ever actually bullied him for it
    • but everyone makes the same jokes
    • will basically mouths the words as people say them bc he knows them so well at this point
    • he’s not actually bothered or offended, it’s just like… dude. he’s heard this before. you’re not being original
      • it’s very boring and a little irritating
    • but if he gets annoyed or doesn’t laugh people think he is a bad sport, so!!! he laughs them off even though he’s very disinterested and wants to tell them to maybe get some new material so they can actually say something remotely humorous next time
    • and he totally knows its not a big deal at all, bc some people have to deal with racist or homophobic jokes, and this doesn’t remotely compare. it’s just… very eye-roll inducing.
  • he gets horrible bruises for the stupidest shit, and sometimes just randomly and he’s not sure where they came from, bc ya gotta love that sensitive skin!!
  • oh and back to the ginger jokes thing, someone always makes a comment about that redhead temper!!
    • which is kind of unfortunate, bc dex kind of does have some temper issues
    • those jokes do not make him less angry either
      • (dex, seriously man. just chill for a sec)

wow this got really long and i could go on forever and ever but yeah basically this is the gist of it. also i’m aware some of this can apply to lots of people but anyways hooray for redheads!!

anonymous asked:

The new New York Times piece titled "And Jesus Said Unto Paul Ryan" is a masterpiece

Before I launch into this, I want to state up front, this is not directed at you, anonymous. Thank you for thinking of me, and the article is a funny read. 

But I also read the article on the train to work this morning (before I ever got this ask) and it has been bothering me all day. I thought about it at lunch. It niggled at me during my healthcare policy class, because the Social Security Act is boring and so was the view out the window. And on the train ride home, I went huh.

I don’t give a fuck whether Paul Ryan is a good Christian. 

I was surprised too! But it turns out, I don’t give a fuck whether any of my elected leaders’ policies are consistent with their professed Christianity. I don’t care whether their policies are consistent with my or anyone else’s Christianity. If the Second Coming happened tomorrow, and Jesus came down on a cloud and handed me the ACA replacement bill, I would still want to see the Congressional Budget Office report about it.

It’s fun to condemn our political leaders for hypocrisy. (God knows most of them are, and so deserve it.) But at the same time, I feel like we keep circling the same fallacy—”well, you know Ryan and his ilk aren’t real Christians; real Christians would [insert political viewpoint here].” It’s a fun fallacy! You pull it out at parties and it gets you off the hook entirely. You might be a thing, but you’re not that thing, so it’s all okay!

The problem with this is that…..well, real Christians are, and have. Real Christians have had slaves or been complicit in slavery, they’ve started wars and genocides and simony and scandal. Real Christians had a vested interest in the oppression of women and the conversion of all people on earth to Christianity. Real Christians killed Jews and Real Christians killed Muslims and Real Christians in the US today have decided to continue that 2000 year unbroken tradition of hate. Real Christians scream outside of abortion clinics. Name it, Real Christians have done it, or been complicit in it. You can’t divorce the words of Jesus from the bits of history or politics you don’t approve of—or at the very least, you can’t pretend as though “Real Christianity” is a totally separate animal, innocent in comparison with its ugly political cousin.

At the end of the day, the Christian Bible has been used to both support and condemn all sorts of political activity since….before the ink of the canon had a chance to dry. And I’m sure that in two hundred years, there will still be thinkpieces arguing that the senator isn’t a real Christian, because a real Christian would have issued a statement welcoming the sentient moss of Zebble-gor to Congress.

But I don’t like it. Because—well, because we’re not a theocracy. Whether someone is a good Christian or a hypocritical Christian is irrelevant. Our elected leaders need to be good leaders. Full stop. They should be guided by honesty and innovation and civic-mindedness and compassion and intelligence; they should be ethical and make choices with integrity, take their position and its obligations seriously, listen to their constituents. If those qualities come out of their commitment to Christianity, that’s fine! But they don’t have to, and I don’t think it’s productive—even within the Christian community—to go back and forth about someone’s religiosity.

I don’t care if Paul Ryan is a good Christian. He can settle that one up with our Lord and Savior when the time comes. But he’s the principal sponsor of a frankly shitty piece of legislation, which offers significant federal savings at the expense of poor and elderly individuals. 

And that’s the sin I’m not ready to forgive.

Imagine You Won a Cruise in Space

Part 1

You couldn’t believe how lucky you had been! Only six people had been selected in the whole country and you got to be one of them! An interstellar alliance had recently made contact with Earth and offered six lucky people - randomly drawn, of course - the chance for a year long cruise through the galaxy.

You were greeted on the ship and led to a cozy room with soft carpet and cushy chairs to sit in. You had been the first to arrive, but the other winners had quickly followed. As the six of you - three men and three women - sat and chatted excitedly amongst yourselves, you couldn’t believe how swanky this ship was. Especially given it had been designed by other species. Soon, a human-looking man in a suit greeted you all.

“Welcome!” he chirped, with an enormous grin on his face. “We’re beginning takeoff as I speak, but you shouldn’t feel any turbulence. And don’t worry, this ship is the safest the alliance has to offer. And, of course, you will all be well taken care of during your stay on this ship with your new mates!”

“Mates?!” all six of you cried.

“Why, of course,” he stated, as if it were obvious. “Didn’t anyone tell you?”

“Well, it’s only for a year, right?” one of the other women offered hopefully.

“Absolutely not,” your host retorted, sounding almost offended. “All of the species you’ve been paired with mate for life. As I understand it, you humans are monogamous, are you not?”

“Sometimes,” one of the men snorted with a smirk.

Another man appeared confused. “But how could we mate with different species? Obviously there will be no offspring.”

The host rolled his eyes. “You humans are so behind, technologically. We are more than capable of making all of you compatible with your new mates.”

“Aren’t you human?” you asked.

“No,” he replied patiently. “I’m a shape-shifter. And you’re all very lucky none of you are going to be impregnated by my species. Our females are pregnant for five years,” he informed them with a smirk. “Obviously all of you will carry your young for different lengths of time, though. Two of you will be assigned to each species, but even if you have the same species, there will be variance in the lengths of time you each carry the young.”

“Each?!” the three men cried.

“We’re not getting pregnant, right?” a small, pale man asked.

“You most certainly are,” the shape-shifter corrected. He received a ping on a device and a large smile split onto his face. “Okay, each of your mates is prepped in a room for all of you, so after your physical, you can go straight to them.”

You were then ushered off into an examination room as you were thoroughly examined - particularly in your child-bearing abilities. Just when you thought all the poking and prodding was over, you were given multiple injections all over from your neck to your uterus. At first you didn’t feel anything but after a few moments you began to feel…strange.

“Don’t worry, honey,” the nurse - who was a reptilian species - told you in an attempt to be comforting. “Molzon hormones tend to make you feel a little funny, but you’re just fine.”

As she lead you to where your ‘mate’ awaited, you asked her, “What’s a Molzon?”

“Oh, they’re amphibious,” she drawled. “If I’ve read my human folklore correctly, then they’re kind of like your mermaids. Except: instead of a fish tail, they have tentacles as their lower half. You seem like a sweet girl, so I’m sure you and him will get along just fine.”

She stared expectantly at you as you stood outside the door. Feeling as though you were going to throw up from a combination of nervousness and Molzon hormones, you opened the door.

Inside, you saw him and he was close to what the nurse had described. He was a sort of octopus merman with blue-green skin that was shifting color slightly. However, unlike the mermen conjured in your imagination, he a little thick around the middle. It almost looked a little like a beer belly. He noticed you come in and his eyes grew wide as he blushed. “Oh, hi!” His voice cracked nervously. “I thought you might want to have some dinner, first. That’s what humans do, right?”

He appeared unsure as to whether or not what he’d done was appropriate, so you nodded silently as he lead you to a candlelit table - like something you’d see at a fancy restaurant.

You knew you were staring, but you couldn’t really help it. After all, he was an alien species. He appeared to have very little difficulty walking above water with his tentacles and because his tentacles were so long, he was about seven feet tall.

The dinner went surprisingly well, given the circumstances and Zeri, that was his name, was actually a total sweetheart. He enjoyed puzzles and playing musical instruments, and reading. The nerdy Molzon would have been exactly your type…had he been human.

“This isn’t fair to you,” he stuttered after dinner. “I know a female of my species would be much better suited-” But he cut himself off with a slight groan before stuttering out, “Did they give you the hormones, already?”

“Yeah,” you squeaked back.

He began massaging his belly and whimpering. “I’m so sorry,” he cried, before gently pulling you into an adjoining room that had a large, marine pool. He gently removed your clothes and eased you into the pool, before doubling over and moaning in pain, clutching his belly again. Then, as he lowered himself into the pool, he began panting and moaning a little as he tried to explain. “The pheromones…ghhnnng…they make me….hoo hoo hoo….I can’t stop….gaaah!” he gave a sharp cry, continuing to rub his belly, which appeared to be…clenching? “I have to mate.”

Then, he let out a monumental groan before pulling you to the middle of the pool, careful to keep your head above water. You felt something begin to prod around your vagina before unceremoniously entering. You gave a pained cry, causing Zeri to flinch, but he didn’t stop and you felt the appendage slide far up into you, past your cervix, and enter your uterus.

You were trembling from the pain and Zeri continued to stutter out apologies as his eyes watered from the great deal of pain he was obviously in, too. His tentacles held you in place as his human arms wrapped around his middle and he let out something between a groan and a grunt. “Hnnngggg.” His face slackened a little in relief as you saw a large object come out of his body, slowly begin traveling up the appendage he had inserted inside you before it, too, began prodding at your entrance.

“Zeri,” you cried in a panic.

“I’m so sorry.”

The object forced its way into your vagina, eliciting a scream of pain from you as it traveled slowly up to deposit itself in your uterus. The result was a slightly distended belly, while Zeri’s belly looked slightly smaller.

He moaned again, grunting and crying as another came out of him to force its way into you again.

This process continued for the better part of two hours and you were now HUGE - filled with eight of the damn things.

“This is…the last…one,” Zeri huffed, having difficulty breathing from all the effort exerted on his part. He continued uttering apologies as he began to expel the final egg. But this one took a lot longer than the others. “Ggghhh,” he grunted after twenty minutes, before giving out a startling cry as the egg left his body.

As you saw it traveling towards you, you found out why he’d had so much difficulty. The eggs, which had all been about the size of an elephant bird egg, paled in comparison to this one, which was almost twice as big as the others. “No, no, no, no, no,” you bawled, as it inched closer. “Please, no,” you sobbed as it began to make contact with your already sore pussy. But of course, it went in, anyway. You thought for sure you would be ripped in half and die as the ninth one was shoved in, but it made it into your uterus, just as the others did.

“One final part,” he promised.

A liquid began to pump out of his appendage and fill you. Your belly, once misshapen due to the lumpy eggs, began to smooth out and expand even further. You gasped and wheezed through the next few minutes as you were pumped with the fluid.

Then, it was finally over. Zeri, as sweaty as he was, and as much as he panted, helped you out of the water, though his tentacles were far from steady. It was difficult for you to stay upright since you felt as though you’d gained over 100 pounds since entering the water and, looking at your girth, that was definitely possible. You couldn’t wrap your arms entirely around your belly and there was about five or six inches between your fingertips when you tried. “I’m sure your exhausted,” he huffed, trying to keep both of you upright. “I’ll take you to your room.”

Your room was luxurious to say the least. You wanted to shower, but decided against it and just collapsed onto the bed, naked.

“I’ll arrange for some clothes to be brought for you tomorrow that should fit.” He had the biggest look of guilt you’d ever seen. “I’m so sorry,” he cried again, before leaving you alone.

You covered yourself with blankets, painfully aware of your newly distended belly. It was impossible to get comfortable with how angry the stretched skin felt and the extra weight, but you tried to sleep nonetheless. As Zeri had suspected, you were indeed exhausted.

The final thought that popped into your head as you drifted off was: how long will I be like this?

To be continued…

And All This Devotion (1/1)

Happy Valentine’s Day, @once-upon-a-captain-swan!

Hi, dollface! I’m your CSSV and had so much fun writing this for you. I’ve enjoyed our little chats over the last few weeks and I hope you enjoy the story. I tried to put as many little touches of you in it as I could. 

xoxo,

Megan

****

The knock came at 2:05. It was tentative, barely pulling Killian out of a dreamless sleep and for a moment, he thought he’d imagined it. Fuzzy-brained, he was a second away from chalking it up to a rattling pipe or noise from the street when another knock came, this one more insistent. 

Tossing the covers off and cursing as he kicked his feet free from the tangled sheet, he padded through the living room, throwing the deadbolt and dramatically pulling the door open, ready to give his untimely visitor hell while wearing nothing more than a pair of boxer briefs and a scowl.

The piss and vinegar was short-lived when his eyes fell onto the figure standing in the hallway. 

Her face was red and blotchy with strands of blonde hair sticking to tear tracks. A cheap diaper bag, stretched to the limits and overflowing, was slung over her shoulder, one of those infant car seats designed for carrying at her feet, the baby inside asleep. 

Chin lifting just enough to convey some measure of pride, her eyes wouldn’t rise enough meet his. When she spoke it was to the dog tags resting on his chest.

“We didn’t have anywhere else to go.”

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

I love reading what you have to say about anything in general (dan and phil, politics, your work day [even in passing]) and idk I just wanted to say hi + ask what you have to say about their new gaming video? I loved it, they were so (insert a multitude of different positive adjectives) and Phil is such a broad thinker it's amazing. I think (im pretty sure) you loved it as well and I just wanna read your thoughts, hahaha thanks!

can you hear that? it’s the sound of me screaming because i have to rewrite the entirety of this ramble after tumblr DELETED IT THE FIRST TIME ifjaoiwejraoiejroaeir. but YES oh my god. i did love this video. a lot. there’s so, so much to talk about. grab a fkn snack mate, bc this is super long. 

1. there’s been a lot of discourse about dan and phil’s interaction in this video. i received a handful of messages regarding dan’s apparently aggressive treatment of phil and one regarding the way people were apparently abusing phil in the comments under the video and calling him “stupid and untalented.” um. okay so i’ll work backwards. i have watched the video three times now. all three times i scrolled really deep into the comments. NONE of those times did i see a single comment that was insulting or demeaning to phil. where are people seeing this? i feel like this is a classic case of one or two people saying something happened and then everyone repeating it without actually checking the source. if anything, the yt comments are full of people saying firstly that phil is “too creative” for this game and has a fascinating mind, and, secondly, that he’s a full-grown man who doesn’t need the protection of his fans from dan of all people, the so-called aggressive bully in this scenario, who just so happens to also be his best friend and life partner. i definitely agree with that latter point.

something else that’s been lost in this discussion and that seems extremely relevant is that a lot of this video’s central dynamic, with dan being shocked and appalled at phil’s seemingly abysmal drawing skills and phil doing the absolute most in every drawing, felt really, really put on or exaggerated for dramatic/comedic effect. i think the very first instance of it, when phil draws his fucked up umbrella, and dan just sort of jokes about it looking like a palm tree for a while and then at the end just says like a few words about how extreme phil’s interpretation was—i think this was a super authentic interaction. but i also think they quickly gathered with the drawings that followed that it would be really funny to ham it up for the sake of comedy and that’s why phil’s drawings seemed to get intentionally more and more “creative,” so to speak, while dan’s responses got correspondingly more and more extreme and high-pitched and shriek-y until basically everyone’s eardrums were bleeding. i get why the video was grating to some people bc like,,, this shit can get tiring to watch when it seems so extra. but personally i found it very funny… especially bc of my next point.

this narrative around phil being some sort of unappreciated creative genius who was constantly being berated in this video by his callous friend and just sadly tolerated all of this abuse is not only annoying bc it infantilizes phil but also because it’s just … wrong? and overlooks two of my fav things about the video which were how supportive and ENCOURAGING dan was, even while he was trying to exaggerate his “holy shit phil how are you so bad” thing, and simultaneously, how assertive and opinionated and sassy (i hate that word but literally don’t know a better one to describe him in this vid) phil was the whole time. to the first point, i don’t think there was a single one of phil’s turns in which dan wasn’t passionately yelling saying something like ‘come on phil. you can do this’ and also giving him recommendations on how best he should draw the object to get the point. even when he was in the middle of screaming about how bad phil was, he seemed to occasionally rein it in with a compliment to balance it out. for instance, during phil’s lobster drawing, he did the whole ‘what the fuck even is that’ for a while and then immediately had to dilute it by saying something like, “okay but by the end i could totally tell they were claws.” or when phil very reasonably points out that he’s using his wrong hand which is why he’s struggling, dan immediately agrees and repeats it as if for emphasis: “they’re not using their wrong hand to be fair.” and he even calls himself out about this, with the usual “WHY AM I HELPING YOU???” i honestly read dan as wanting to go to his default mode of supporting phil and celebrating his lateral/creative thinking (reminiscent of when he did this in the impossible quiz) the whole time, but then also needing to keep the comedy going by acting so confounded by phil’s inability to draw simple objects. as mentioned however, phil does not respond in the typical amazingphil™ way to all of the taunting. whereas in 2014-15 era dapg bants, he tended to just remain docile while dan would make his ‘what the fuck are you on about’ comments regarding phil’s weird sexual innuendoes or whatever else, in this video phil was anything but docile. he was in fact quite consistent in giving his own opinionated statements/retorts. just an abbreviated list:

  • the bit where he names the robot bianca and dan immediately objects and phil basically goes, yes. i named it. deal with it. hoe.
  • when they’re looking at other people’s umbrella drawings and he goes “oh shut up. look at you with your perfect umbrellas” in the sneeriest voice known to humankind
  • when dan is making fun of him pretty intensely and phil actually adamantly defends himself and says, “put me under pressure, and i can’t do things.” doesn’t seem like someone who’s just submissively accepting dan’s mockery. he’s explaining why it was hard for him.
  • “look at arty jim down here” damn. arty jim got fuckin rekt  
  • “how is ‘lobster’ easy ???? ?  i mean what the hell,” again in the sneeriest voice i’ve heard
  • his absolute disgust that dan got elbow so easily, and the way he proceeds to shove dan and threatens to “elbow [him] in the face.” like damn. he fightin back
  • when he’s like ‘i don’t  even do anything with this hand’ and flops his left hand around i s2g he is trying to sneak in a cheeky sexual innuendo and slyly allude to wanking in the way that he does best and DAN DOESNT HEAR HIM THE FIRST TIME bc he’s talking and phil just stares at him while he flops his hand around and repeats “i don’t even use this hand it’s a dead weight” and dan absolutely doesn’t take the bait. oh my god. phil intentionally trying to annoy dan with innuendoes, and checking to see if he gets it,,,, that is the shit i live for
  • ‘all or nothing on the zebra’ cheeky laugh. damn.
  • the way he’s like ‘just shut up then’ to dan as he begins drawing the zebra. because he’s not taking dan’s shit
  • etc etc etc

and i firmly believe phil was HOLDING BACK in this!!!! !! ! and was still at least partially constrained by/aware of the camera and his usual role as the quieter, gentler foil to dan’s hysteria and melodramatics. so like. just imagine how much more assertive he is when the camera isn’t on. i don’t think any of y’all need to be worried in any way about phil’s ability to handle everything dan dishes out bc i think he’s happily returning it in full measure.

2. on a similar but somewhat unrelated note, phil spent a lot of time in this video sitting patiently while dan went on some truly remarkable monologues and i thought it was noteworthy, mostly in that phil just couldn’t stop looking at dan in apparent adoration even while he was being a dramatic child. i felt like the staring was much less guarded than phil tends to be—he’s usually so aware of the camera and consciously tries to maintain eye contact with the audience as much as possible, but there were just a few moments in this where i was surprised by how long he let himself just watch dan. 

during dan’s first ‘artsy vs. creative’ monologue:

during dan’s random ass screaming about a raccoon idek:

during dan’s second ‘artsy vs. creative’ monologue:

phil was p captivated. and these def are moments where he’s looking at dan for longer than usual, not just one-off instances of the most fleeting glances that i screenshotted for effect. i promise. 

3. there were some like,,, incredible exchanges during this vid that i specifically want to analyze.

first, the ‘dabble with a robot’ bit at the beginning when dan tries to get phil to admit that he’s making an innuendo and phil won’t do it. i loved this so much. i don’t even have anything much to say other than dan is trying to kill the innocent!phil trope so hard and it’s so funny to me. also. phil was def talking about robot sex. and right after he says dabble the first time, there’s this really obvious jump cut and the immediate frame following it is THIS:

and i just NEED TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF DIRTY ROBOT SEX COMMENT THEY CUT OUT. ugh.

second: ‘i think bianca has a crush on you and she’s mistreating me.’ let’s unpack this. because at first i was just like oh so some inanimate object with a vaguely female voice is showing a potential preference or softness for dan, and phil immediately thinks that she’s crushing on him. and that’s interesting in itself because it’s a surprising leap to make, tbh, and i would never expect phil to say it. but then the second bit, ‘and she’s mistreating me,’ stated as a completely natural follow-up thought. i initially didn’t even pay any mind to this bc like ok whatever he’s whining about not getting his point. but like. think about it for a second. in what context would someone who has a crush on dan mistreat phil other than jealousy or irritation due to the fact that phil is the reason dan is romantically unavailable? like honestly??? ? a platonic interpretation of that comment doesn’t even exist. ‘x has a crush on you and they’re mistreating me’ is literally only a thing someone would say to their significant other. tbh.

third, and my personal fav: the convo after phil ‘cheats’ or pushes dan’s arm while he’s drawing the spoon. just every bit of it. the way that dan leans in on his second repeat of ‘how would you do it then.’ the way that phil completely drops his on-camera voice when he says, ‘no we’re not doing best of three, we’re doing three rounds. it’s 4-2 right now.’ it’s the most natural voice ever, as though he immediately assumes this convo won’t be left in the video. and i imagine a lot of their behind the scenes negotiation as they film for dapg, regarding how things will be scored/structured, happens like this. as in, without some sort of CUT CUT PAUSE interjection to break the filming, but rather just a noticeable shift in tone to demonstrate to each other that they’re saying something that should be cut out in editing. to me, this is just completely reaffirmed by the amount of eye contact that immediately follows phil talking about the score. here’s an amazing gifset of it, which i need all of yall to click and look at, to really get what i’m saying here. and here’s my own screenshot bc y not:

it feels like phil definitely is trying to just have a conversation with dan to figure how they should proceed but dan is still performing a bit, and hamming up his exasperation for the camera when he says, ‘best of three, that would mean i win.’ phil then catches on, drops some of his softness and his natural voice, and immediately looks back to the camera. just. such a good, revealing little exchange. and as soon as the little natural moment is broken, phil immediately defaults back into the sassiness that he’s been demonstrating the whole video by saying, ‘i’m not! i’m just having so much fun,” in like. the world’s most sarcastic voice. then dan chiming in with the requisite fond “this guy” followed by “he’s so sneaky, can you imagine playing monopoly with him?” and that’s interesting too bc it’s dan ~breaking the fourth wall~ more explicitly and talking directly to us, and specifically to this section of his audience that has been voraciously demanding they play board games. he knows he’s being cute and domestic or whatever but at the same time it seems like he’s been genuinely a bit insecure about so overtly denying the audience something they’ve been asking for for so long, which is why he keeps bringing it up and trying to justify it in various ways–by explaining that it would be boring (as he said in his live show) or that it’d end badly (as he said on twitter and now in this video).

wow. just such a good and unexpectedly thought-provoking video. i loved it and genuinely laughed a lot even though the bants were so dramatic and overdone. they were having so much fun the whole time, in my opinion, and that, coupled with their continued lower boundaries regarding on-camera mannerisms, eye contact, touching, etc. seem to be the running themes of post-baking universe dapg. excited to see how these things develop over the course of the year! and also just so excited to see that they are actually carrying forward and sticking to their perceived re-commitment to the gaming channel that happened with gamingmas. they’re really making an effort to film in advance and post way more regularly than we’ve been used to, despite “life things” that are happening. they’re working hard to show us that they care deeply about this channel still and it’s just so uplifting to see that, and to be reminded with each video that they also have so much fun together, always :’)

(dan vs. phil: quick draw)

BTS REACTS TO: Their s/o wearing an ugly picture of them on a t-shirt

Anon Asked: Can you do a BTS Reaction to their s/o wearing an ugly selfie of them on a t-shirt in public? I ALWAYS wanted to do this with my boyfriend but he’s too photogenic uGH

Okay, I’ve totally done this before. Showed up at a friend’s birthday party wearing an ugly snapchat pic they sent me on a sweatshirt lol.

- Admin Dayna


Seokjin

Jin is handsome. He knew it, his fans knew it, and obviously, so do you. But with great beauty, comes great responsibility, and it seems like your boyfriend abuses his good-looks. Jin oozes narcissism. At times it was funny, charming in fact, but there’s only so much of it one could take. Sometimes consequences need to be dealt out to the arrogant. With just enough persistence and creativity, you’ve came up with the perfect plan. You awaited his arrival at the airport, your hoodie zipped up hiding your brilliance. Jin and the boys’ plane had landed and now they were only a few feet away from you. When you were absolutely positive Jin was looking right at you - and you could tell he had by the way he suddenly picked up his pace to a brisk jog your direction - you unzipped your hoodie, revealed your t-shirt with a rather… unattractive picture of him that his Army has turned into a meme printed on the front. You lifted your arms up high, allowing Jin, the boys, and the lucky bystanders to bask in its glory. As Namjoon, Yoongi, Hobi, Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook all erupted into laughter, Jin struggled to reprimand you between fits of giggles.

“Wha - jagiyaahh~! How could you betray me?!”

“What have I done to deserve this?!”

“Do you think this was right?! I demand respect!”

Originally posted by jiyoongis

Keep reading

Google made me proud today.

A little while ago, I was on a mission to show a friend of mine the best doggo in the world, Chica. I began to type ‘mark fischbach chica’ and as Google tried to read my mind, as it always does, I froze and tears welled in my eyes.

‘mark fischbach changing the world’ now at this moment I was mid sentence on Skype so my friend started to panic slightly because of my sudden pause. When I finally found my voice again I explained what had caught me off guard. To which my friend replied, “Why did that hit you so hard? The guy does charity work right?”

Years of watching Mark, all the skits, all the let’s plays, all the goofy stuff that falls in the mix as well, even if I didn’t necessarily like the video or find it particularly funny I always watched from beginning to end to show my support for his channel. Not because I was staring at his face [though he his a looker], not because of being his biggest fan [though I’m probably up there], not even just to have background noise [I like to actually watch the videos]. I would watch them in their entirety because maybe the money made from that time watching that particular video would enable him to do his next big event that would save people’s live by giving them the hope they had lost, fund another charity so its research could go on and maybe even find a cure, all of that and more.

Today I watched his PAX East panel, not in person sadly but live on twitch. At the end when it appeared he was going to break down and cry [all while I’m pointing and screaming at my TV for him not to cry over and over again because though I know he’s crying because his heart is full of joy and pride, it makes me tear up too, dang you Mark] His ending remarks both filled me with happiness and sadness.

Mind you now in the Skype call, showing pictures of Chica has fallen to the back burner [sorry Chica-bica] and I had began rambling about all the different charities Mark has helped raise awareness and money for, how his channel has become this massive community full of love and kindness and were only able to what it is today because no matter what video you click on of Marks, be it his oldest videos or one he posted a few hours ago, behind those dick jokes, infectious laugh, screams, two-finger defense strategies, and everything else; he’s still just a man who wants to change the world.

My exact words before the Skype call was ended with my friend saying I’m gonna go check out this guys videos [got you a new subscriber Mark! Woo!] were, “I froze when I saw that come up on the auto-complete search results because it’s amazing. I froze and damn near started crying my ****in eyes out because this man who one a daily basis calls himself a goof and acts exactly like a goof, is changing the world. Whether it’s meeting a sick child who is a fan of his videos, doing a live stream, going out and meeting his fans and doing skits that include them, answering questions at conventions, or just making people like me be able to smile from the comfort of my home and give me the strength to fight impulses that would be damaging. He preaches over and over again that to him we’re the heroes, hell he put it on the sleeves on his charity shirts, he’s too humble to admit that he is the hero or that he’s made his friends: Bob, Wade, Jack, Ethan, Tyler, etc. heroes as well for pushing for the goals with him and all coming up together with new and amazing ways to both entertain and improve the day to day life of everyone who will watch and listen.” 

I sat here for a few minutes minutes, got my screen cap cut down to size, made sure it wasn’t too illegible. As I began to type my post, my Skype rang, it was my same fiend from before. I imagine the time lapse between end of call to now beginning of new call was maybe a total of two hours give or take.

I answer and all I hear are tears. I am instantly in [who do I need to kill] mode. After they calm down they explain they just searched for emotional play through’s. My mind immediately goes to ‘Presentable Liberty’, ‘That Dragon Cancer’, ‘Anxiety Attack’, among many others I could think of that could be labeled emotional. 

After an awkward silence they asked, “What possessed this man, who has known such great tragedy and loss in his life to do everything he does for others.” I smiled, we were on video chat so they saw and then looked at me with confusion. “The answer to that one is easy, I think he’d agree. He’s seen difficulty, just like all of us, and THAT is why he continues to do it. He strives to make the burdens of this world less heavy on our shoulders, he raises money so that the sick can be mended and go home and play with their friends, he makes personal vlogs looking into each and every one of his fan’s eyes, tears brimming with whatever emotion he’s conveying so we all know he is there for us, he is proud of us, and he will never stop working to change the world.”

My friend nodded at me then told me they were gonna go rest on it, maybe watch a few more videos before laying down. I just made a terrible joke about FNAF [I will spare you the joke, trust me, it was bad] then the Skype call ended once more. 

Now I’m left here with these thoughts in my head. Earlier I mentioned the PAX East stream, one of the things Mark said before leaving the stage was, “When we’re gone, you’re next.” Now this turned into jokes being made and all that because that’s what Mark and his friends do, they cut up and have a good time. It was the way he said it that stuck with me. Like he’s prepping all of us to take this bright, burning torch when he decides to step away from youtube as a career and that brings him almost to a blubbering mess because of all we’ve shown him we can do so far, I think he believes that whenever that time is. Whether it be a year from now, two years from now, or more; he knows that the community that he never dreamed he would have and be part of will continue to do what we do best, because we learned it from the one and only Markiplier.

Change the world.

Help A Buddy Out

Words: 4066

So its a lot of words. but its a quick read cause its in sections. I just thought it was kind of a cute idea :D Not my best ever, but I still wanted to post it cause why not? It may make one person smile… maybe haha ;D


— You and Bucky are roommates and you ask for him to teach you to be better at sex so you can please another guy —

“Y/N!” You heard your roommate shout from across the apartment. “Have you seen my shirt?!”

“Why of course, I know exactly what you do with all your shirts. What type, what color, what brand are you looking for? Wait, let me just look into my Bucky Barnes archives…” You shouted back with way too much sass.

A shirtless Bucky poked his head around the door of your bedroom. “Hardy har har.” He returned before coming fully into the room. “You’re overly sassy for no apparent reason. What’s going on?” He strutted over to the bed and took the book from your hands as he sat down. “Chaucer?” he questioned. “You only subject yourself to Chaucer when you’re in a bad mood.”

“Yea, well I had a change of heart.” You retort as you try to snag your book back. He pulled it further from your reach. “Buck, give me my book back.”

“No, not until you tell me why you’re in full sass mode today.”

“Well, then I’ll never get it back.” You sighed as you crossed your arms in front of your chest and leaned back against the headboard.

“C’mon Y/N. I’m your best friend. You can tell me anything.” He spoke as he smiled one of his killer ‘your panties just melted’ smiles. Except, you knew when he smiled like that to you, it was merely platonic. Which sucked.

“Ok fine” you huffed out. “The truth is…” you began as you sat up. “Steve is my best friend.”

Bucky let out a frustrated groan and threw your book back in your general direction. “As if. You know you like me better.” He stood in front of you and stared down; His eyes traveling up and down your body. “If you don’t tell me then I’ll just tickle you until you do.”

You made a face at that. “Don’t do that.”

Bucky started to walk towards the side of the bed where you sat. “You’ve left me with no choice, Doll.” He got closer and grabbed your arm as you tried to scramble away.

“OK, OK!! Don’t do it. I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you!” Bucky released you from his grip.

“There. Was that so hard? Now spill, Doll. Whats going on?”

You sat up once again and brushed your fingers through your hair. “Fine, but stand over there.” Bucky’s eyes travelled to where you pointed.

“You want me to stand in the corner?” His ‘you-cant-be-serious’ look took over his face. “You cant be serious.”

You sighed as you began to explain. “I need you to be as far away from me as possible when I tell you this. Its embarrassing.”

Bucky crossed his arms and began to retreat to the corner. “Fine. Makes total sense, Weirdo.”

You ignored his comment and pulled your knees up under your chin. “Ok. There is no easy way to say this so im just gonna do it.” You sucked in a deep breath. “I don’t know how to have sex. Not well anyway. I have this date with this guy on Friday and its going to be the third date. Everyone knows the third date rule! I don’t want to suck.” You finished with a deep breath, recovering your oxygen levels from your intense rambling.

“You’re still going out with that guy?” Bucky demanded as he began to near you again.

You pointed your finger back at him. “Stay! And yes I am.”

“Why the fuck–?” he started but caught himself before he revealed too much. “Y/N, look, sex is sex. Its, uh, its not that big of a deal. Im sure youll be great.” He said as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“It’s a huge deal, Buck! HUGE! Its sex!”

“You’ve had, uh, sex before right?”

“Twice.”

“Twice.” He repeated.

“Yes, twice. I’m going to suck. I know it.”

“Youre not going to suck. It’s not possible”

“How would you know, Buck? Its not like we’ve had sex.” Bucky couldn’t argue with that, they hadn’t, despite how much he wanted to. “Which is why I’m asking you to help me.” You said, snapping Bucky out of his thoughts. “I want you to make me better at sex.”

Buckys head shot up from the direction of his feet, eyes wide. “WHAT?!”

“Please Buck, you said it yourself: sex is sex. Whats the harm if you teach me the ins and outs of it. No pun intended.” You smirked to yourself.

“You’re my best friend!” he spoke in an attempt to find an excuse.

“Friends have sex all the time. You’d just be helping a friend out.”

Bucky thought of another excuse. “What makes you think I can teach you anything?”

You chuckled “I think the plethora of random girls that scream their heads off in pleasure and beg for more is enough for me to know how good you are.”

Bucky blushed. “You hear that?”

“They’re like banshees, Bucky.”

“Are not.” He huffed

“Are too” You returned. Bucky crossed and uncrossed his arms before shifting his weight to his left foot. “Bucky, please. We are always there for each other when the other needs something.”

Bucky let out a sharp laugh. “Yea, but usually its when you want me to pick up your prescriptions from the pharmacy or fix the plumbing.”

“Buck, I need you. I know this is slightly different, but whats the harm?”

“I don’t know.” Bucky pulled his phone from his back pocket to check the time. “I have to go meet Steve. Just let me think about it.” He pocketed his phone again and turned to leave the room.

“Don’t forget a shirt!” You called after him.

Bucky opened the door to the café and scanned the room for his friend. When he saw the over compensating build and light hair he started towards one of the window tables. “Steve.”

Steve looked up from his view of the city and smiled as he saw his oldest friend. “Bucky, its good to see you.”

Bucky took a seat opposite of Steve and ordered a coffee when the waitress came around. “Hows things?”

“Great.” Steve began. “Sharon is great. We got a cat.”

Bucky chuckled. “A cat? Since when are you a cat person?”

“Since Sharon is a cat person.” He smirked. “But, whats going on with you? Hows Y/N?”

“Funny that you bring her up.” Bucky said before he smiled and thanked the waitress for his coffee.

“Oh yea?” Steve smiled. “Finally tell her how you feel, did you?

“Yea right. Cause that would go over soooo well.”

“Oh c’mon man, you’ve liked her since she moved in.”

“Doesn’t matter, she doesn’t feel the same. She, uh, asked me this morning to help her become a pro at sex.”

Steve choked on his coffee and reached for a napkin to clean the drops from his chin. “What!?”

“Yea.” Bucky signed and sipped his drink

“What exactly does that entail?”

“She wants us to have sex.” Bucky replied nonchalantly. “She wants us to have sex until shes good at it, apparently.

“Wow. Why?”

“Shes got this date on Friday. Says it’s the third date so they HAVE to have sex for some stupid reason.” He huffed.

“Well,” Steve started “Think of the Bright side: Youll get to have sex with the girl you love.”

“Smooth attempt at making me feel better, pal, but there is no bright side. She wants me for the wrong reason. Its not like she loves me back.”

“All the more reason to tell her. Maybe she just hasn’t thought of you in that way yet and telling her may open her eyes.”

“I don’t know, man. Shes pretty determined. I think if she liked me she’d know.”

“Just think about it, Buck”

“Its all I think about. Which makes me think I cant go through with this.”

“Oh, you definitely cannot go through with this.”

Bucky reentered his apartment after a long and thoughtful conversation with Steve. He had a very valid point: there was no way Bucky could go through with this, but the more he thought about it, the more he didn’t want to disappoint Y/N.  She felt insecure and that was the last thing Bucky wanted. So he could do this just once, right?

“Bucky?” Y/N called, stepping out of her bedroom. “Are you alright? You seem a little dazed.” She continued once she saw his facial expression.

“Yea well what do you expect?” Bucky mumbled to himself as Y/N entered the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee.

“Did you say something?”

“What? No.” He hurriedly spit out. Y/N returned her attention to the coffee maker. “So, I was thinking…” she met his eyes as he continued. “We could try what you proposed. Just once. I’ll tell you what you want to know from that one time, but no more. Deal?”

Y/N squealed in appreciation. “Oh Bucky, you have no idea what this means to me. Thank you so much.”

She jumped into his arms and wrapped her own around his neck. “Yea. I mean what are friends for right?”

“Right!” she smiled. She was so beautiful that he almost kissed her right then and there, but he quickly stepped away.

“So, uh, how do you want to go about this?” Bucky questioned as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“I say we just jump into it. I mean, this is practically for science. No need to beat around the bush.”

Bucky felt his heart crumble just a bit. Hearing her say those words was the last thing he wanted. If anything, he wanted this to mean something to her in the slightest. But clearly it didn’t. “Alright.” He spoke clearly frustrated. He reached for the hem of his shirt and aimed to pull it over his head, but was stopped by Y/Ns soft hand on top of his.

“Let me.” She lifted his shirt off for him and Bucky thought he had never been more turned on. Y/N pulled hers off and slipped out of her sleep shorts then turned and strutted off into her bedroom.

“Jesus.” Bucky mumbled as he followed after her.

When he stepped through the door, she was standing there waiting for him in just her underwear. He eased himself closer to her and she reached for the belt around his hips. ‘This is so bad’ he thought as he grabbed her shoulders and pulled her up to him. She looked into his eyes and down to his lips. Slowly, she reached up and pressed her lips to his in the softest of motions. Bucky fell completely into it and Y/N placed her hand on the back of his neck in an attempt to pull him closer, but Bucky pulled away. He couldn’t do this. It just wasn’t right.

“Bucky?” she whispered as she placed her hands on either sides of his face. “Whats the matter?”

Bucky gripped her hands in his own and removed them from his face. “I cant do this.” He spoke so quietly; it was practically to himself.

“What?” Her face twisted in concern.

“I cant do this.” Bucky said a little louder so she could hear him, but this time it was laced with a bit of frustration.

“Why?”

Bucky took a few steps away from her. “I just cant.” He grabbed for his shirt, but Y/N stepped up into his space and grabbed it from him before he could put it on. “Y/N, give me my shirt back.”

“No, Buck. Not until you tell me whats going on.”

“Fine, keep it.” He huffed as he headed for the door.

“Bucky!” Y/N yelled after him. “Bucky, wait!”

Y/N chased him out the door and into their tiny living room. She grabbed his arm to keep him from getting further away from her. “Y/N, Stop!” Bucky yelled as he tried to break free from her grasp. She was deceptively strong.

“Bucky, please just tell me whats going on.” He could hear the sadness in her voice. It almost broke his heart. “Please.” She whispered. Bucky turned to face her with a cold expression on his face. He figured it was better than showing her his true emotions in this moment. ‘Did I do something wrong?” He met her eyes in shock. That was the last possible problem. “Do you not want me?” Slowly, tears began to fall down her cheeks.

Bucky sighed. “That is not possible.” He whispered

“Which?” she questioned

“Neither. You didn’t do anything wrong and its definitely not because I don’t want you, OK?” He reached up and brushed the tears from her cheeks.

“Then what is it?”

“Nothing, Y/N”

“Youre lying.” She was starting to get angry.

“No, Im n-“ he started, but was interrupted.

“Yes, you are!” Y/N was a full on mix of pissed and distressed. “Tell me!” she yelled.

“Y/N” Bucky sighed

“TELL ME!” She screamed again.

“I LOVE YOU!” Bucky yelled in her face before he’d even realized what he was doing. He breathed heavily, eyes looking directly at her before he stepped back and looked to his feet. “I love you.” He spoke again, much quieter.

“Bucky..”

“No, just don’t.” Bucky rushed past her back to her room and put his shirt back on. When he got back to the living room, Y/N was still standing there in shock. “I have to go.” He grabbed his keys of the hook and slammed the door, knocking Y/N out of her shock.

Sharon opened the door to her and her boyfriends apartment to find Bucky standing in the doorway, his head hung low, soaked to the bone. It must’ve been pouring outside. “Bucky, come in.” When he didn’t make a move to enter the apartment, she grabbed him by his arm and slowly pulled him inside. “Steve!?” she yelled “Can you come here?”

Steve walked out from their bedroom. “Yea, babe- Bucky?”

“He just showed up. Im going to go get some towels and an extra shirt.” She said ask she walked Bucky over to the couch and helped him sit down before walking to the bathroom. Steve inched closer to his friend and sat down across from him.

“Buck?” he spoke, but got no response. “Bucky?” he tried again. “What happened?”

Bucky looked up from his hands, but refused to meet Steve’s eyes. “I told her.”

“Well, that’s good isn’t it?” Steve questioned.

“No, Steve, its not. We were about to have sex.”

“You were going to do it!?”

“Just once. She was doubting herself and you know how I get when she does that. I was only going to do it once and help her. I thought I could suppress my feelings for one time.”

“Bucky…”

“I kissed her once and I couldn’t do it. Before I knew it, I was yelling that I love her and now im here.”

Steve placed a hand on his friends shoulder as his girlfriend returned with the shirt and towels. She placed them next to Bucky to use as he needed.

“What did she say?” Steve asked.

“Nothing.” Bucky sighed. “She just stood there. So I left. Well, actually I started to leave the second after I told her.”

“You didn’t give her a chance to say anything?”

“I couldn’t, Steve. I just had to get out of there.”

“Oh, Buck.” Steve started “Just stay here tonight, ok?” he sighed. “But tomorrow you have to talk to her.”

Buckys eyes widened. “No, Steve. I cant.”

“You can. And you will. She is the only girl you’ve ever given a fuck about, never mind the fact that she and Sharon get along great. You’ve made yourself a nice little mess and you’re going to fix it so we can all still be friends. Im too used to our little foursome now to have it fall apart at the seams.”

“Arent you the one who told me to tell her how I felt?”

Steve stood from his chair. “Yea. I was thinking more of a sweet scenario where you buy her flowers and don’t bolt after you tell her.”

Bucky grumbled and wrapped a bright, pink towel around his shoulders. “Well you didn’t specify.”

“I figured it was implied, Buck” Steve began to turn towards is bedroom. “Couch is all yours for tonight. Enjoy, stretch out, think of ways to get your girl. But im gonna turn in. My lady is waiting.”

Bucky made a face. “Steve, I swear if you guys have sex 20 feet away from me…”

“Chill Buck, Sharon and I are hardcore cuddlers.”

“That’s almost worse.”

“Oh please, Buck if you had Y/N you’d cuddle nonstop.”

“Don’t remind me that I don’t have her.” Bucky returned as he stretched out onto the couch.

“Goodnight Bucky.” Steve sighed and retreated to his bedroom where is girlfriend waited for him. Lucky bastard Bucky thought.

Bucky jolted awake at the sound of 3 sharp knocks. He could have sworn he imagined it and was getting ready to settle back into sleep when he heard it again. He grabbed his phone from his pant pocket which had long been discarded onto the floor halfway through the night. It was 3:30 am. What the hell. Bucky groaned as he sat up and walked his shirtless, underwear clad body into Steve and Sharon’s room. Sharon was nestled up against Steves side and their cat sat on his chest, rising and falling in rhythm with Steves breathing. Bucky shuffled forward to Steves side and nudged his shoulder until he woke up.

Steves eyes slowly opened and looked into those of his best friend. “Bucky, what the hell?”

“Little early for cursing don’t you think, Cap?”

Steve sighed and laid his head back on his pillow. “What do you want, Buck?” He whispered in an effort not to stir his girlfriend.

“Theres a knock on your door” Bucky spoke nonchalantly as he pointed in its general direction.

“What?”

“Theres a knock-“ Bucky started but what interrupted by the knock itself. “See?”

Steve sat up slightly, causing the cat to jump of his chest and Sharon to slowly shift in her sleep. “And you woke me because…?”

“I don’t know. Its 3:30 am. Its dark. Im vulnerable. It could be a psycho killer and im not in the mood.”

Steve pushed the sheets of his legs and sat up. “Are you kidding me, Buck? Youre the fucking winter soldier.”

Steve began to walk towards the door as the knocking continued with Bucky hot on his heels. “Yea, well you’re Captain America. We are equally as capable of opening the door, but this is your apartment so I figured id let you. Just in case it is a psycho killer, youd be able to say you defended your own domicile.”

“Gee thanks.” Steve huffed as he reached for the doorknob. The door opened to reveal a slightly disheveled Y/N in none other than her pajamas. Bucky and Steve stared at her for a moment before Steve turned to Bucky. “Well, it’s for you. Totally get why you were scared though. She looks like a murderous demon.” Steve sighed sarcastically. “Im going back to bed. Lovely to see you though Y/N. Sharon misses you like crazy. I mean it’s been like what, 3 weeks since we’ve seen you. Crazy how time flies, we should really-“ Steve continued before being interrupted by Bucky.

“Steve go to bed.” Bucky spoke without taking his eyes off Y/N.

“Oh geez, fine. Goodnight Y/N”

“Goodnight Steve. “Y/N returned with a feeble smile.

Once Steve was definitely in his room, Bucky turned back to face Y/N. “What are you doing here?”

“Bucky, we need to talk.”

“Look, Y/N if this is about earlier then theres no need. I-“

“I love you, Bucky.” Y/N interrupted.

It was Buckys turn to stand there in shock.

“Bucky?”

Bucky snapped back to his senses and was less than pleased. “Is this some kind of sick joke to you? That’s really low Y/N. I spill my guts and you have the audacity to make fun of me for it.” Bucky turned back into the apartment but Y/n followed him in, shutting the door behind her.

“Bucky, im not lying.”

“You are too. You are supposed to go out on a date this weekend. You don’t love me. If you did, you wouldn’t date that idiot.”

“Bucky you said you love me and you had sex 3 days ago. Not with me, I might add.” Y/N replied laced with a little frustration.

“So? I had to get my frustrations out somehow. I’m not the one who suggested we have casual buddy sex.”

“Bucky, I was just really confused ok? I really thought that if we had sex once that I’d get over you. I don’t even have a date this weekend. I broke up with Mike after he slapped our waitress’ ass as she walked by on our last date.”

“Prick” Bucky mumbled. “So you tricked me into sex?”

“Tricked is such a harsh word.”

“But an accurate one” Bucky finished.

“We didn’t even have sex Bucky. I didn’t even think id be able to go through with it. I just wanted to propose the idea to see how youd react. To see if you wanted me too. I almost died when you pulled away from me.”

Bucky looked up into her eyes. “Yea, well you got what you wanted didn’t you?”

Y/N detected a hint of anger in his words. “Are you actually mad at me? Bucky, we love each other. Or at least we did a couple hours ago.”Bucky refused to speak. It lasted so long that Y/N turned to leave. “Fine, Bucky. Ill just go” Y/N was stopped by a firm grip on her wrist. She looked up and Bucky pulled her to him, kissing her like his life depended on it. Y/N kissed back with as much ferocity as she could. It was passionate and sexy and melting. Y/N had wanted this for so long and it was amazing. They pulled apart only to breathe and Bucky brushed his fingers through her hair.

“We love each other?” He spoke as he rested his forehead on hers.

“Yea, we do”

“I cant believe it.” Bucky chuckled. “I’ve been in love with you since you moved in.”

“Two years, Four months, and eighteen days.” Y/N whispered.

“What?” Buckys head snapped up in shock.

“That’s how long we’ve lived together.”

“Wow.” Bucky stepped back from her embrace and rubbed the back of his neck with his hand.

“I know because that’s how long ive loved you too.”

“WHAT?!”

“What?”

“You’ve loved me that long too? You had a boyfriend when you moved in.”

“I know, which is weird now that I think about it because he let me move in with another man. He said he wasn’t worried, but he should have been.”

“I’m the reason you dumped that guy a month after you moved in?” Bucky questioned. Y/N only nodded in response. “I cant believe it.” Bucky sighed. “I hated that guy!”

Y/N giggled and moved to cup his face with both hands. “That’s what he told me.”

“Oh, yea right. How would he know?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t see it either, but he insisted that you liked me and wanted to kill him with your metal arm.”

Bucky chuckled and crossed is arms over his chest. “Well, the guy wasn’t as big of an idiot as I thought.”

“You’re ridiculous.” Y/N laughed.

Bucky grabbed Y/Ns hand and walked her over to the couch. He laid down and pulled her on top of him.

“Bucky what are you doing?”

“I’m getting ready to sleep with the girl I love.” He replied as he readjusted his pillow.

“Um, shouldn’t we go home? You know, since you aren’t mad at me anymore?”

“Oh please, doll. I was never mad at you. More just mad at myself. Also, Sharon and Steve miss you didn’t you hear? And all I want to do is take you home and stay in bed with you for days, but I figure I owe them a favor for letting me stay and whine. So, tomorrow we can all go out and they’ll stop complaining about never seeing you, THEN we will stay in bed for days.”

“Ah, great plan, Barnes.”

“Yea, I thought so.” He smiled his cheeky grin. “But for now we will sleep together and actually sleep.”

swiftiesfanatic  asked:

Amazing imagines!! I love them so much!! ❤❤ I think you've even written enough to start a masterlist soon! If you ever need any ideas/ideas for a rainy day here's a couple. However, please don't feel like I'm expecting you to write all these right now!! It's more of a compiled list of ideas for you if you're having a slow request day/just want to write them -Jealous Betty -Beach day for the gang/Betty in a swimsuit/Jughead in a swimsuit -Bughead napping together -Betty's parents walk in on them

Hey! These are all awesome! I think I’m gonna go with the hickey role reversal for today! Let’s give it a try!
***

School was ending in about a week, and summer was so close Jughead could practically smell the sunscreen and taste the countless milkshakes he would be devouring.
That being said…

It was hot.

And by hot he didn’t mean, warm with a light breeze, he meant crack an egg on it, it was smoking. He was sweating almost all the time and even with the windows open the Riverdale classrooms were boiling. Unfortunately for him that meant his typical wardrobe of flannels and jeans just wasn’t gonna cut it, and he most definitely was not gonna show up to school in one of those ridiculous tank tops with the sleeves cut down all the way to the bottom, he would leave that to Reggie and chuck. Tools.

Anyway, figuring out what to wear, that was still comfortable for him but also kept him cool enough so he didn’t pass out was a struggle. He wasn’t a shorts guy, unless they were bathing suit bottoms and he was at the beach, so he stuck to his jeans, these ones had a few holes so that should help atleast a little, digging in his drawer he pulled out the only light weight t shirt he had, it was a simple white v neck, nothing too crazy, but also something he normally wouldn’t wear without something else to cover it up, at this point he couldn’t care less, it was too damn hot.

“Looking good” he turned with a smile, meeting the eyes of the gorgeous blonde who had come out of nowhere. Okay so maybe there was one positive thing about the heat, Betty’s wardrobe had to adjust accordingly as well and man was he grateful for the tiny dresses that showed off her gorgeous long legs. Today she had on a white sundress covered in pink and red flowers, it skimmed her mid thigh and he fought the urge to run his fingers along the bare skin. As soon as he was about to retort with a witty comeback, her eyes got wide

“Oh my god” she looked horrified.

Whipping around to look behind him, confused as to what had her in such a state of panic she repeated a little more panicky

“Oh my god.”

“Betty? what the hell? What’s the matter?” She seemed to be at a loss for words and suddenly two more of the gang had arrived, both wearing Similar expressions to Bettys.

“What in sexy time?!” Veronica was practically bouncing she seemed so excited.

Kevin was moving his hands to jugheads neck, before he dodged them with a glare

“What are you all talking about.”

Suddenly Archie was rounding the corner zeroing in on Jughead

“Hey ma… hey! Nice hickey dude! Way to go” he slapped a hand to jugheads shoulder, smiling.

“What! What hick..what are you.” He was twisting trying to find the offending mark. He glanced up at Betty who was beet red and was desperately trying to hide her laughter.

“See Betty, I told you. It’s totally normal to give a boy a hickey, That’s so funny, Betty was just asking me about this at our sleepover last week.” Veronica said laughing handing Jughead her hand mirror.

He snatched the mirror and held it up to his neck. Sure enough, there was a purple mouth shaped bruise on his neck. Snapping the mirror shut he shook his head

“Bacon grease, it splattered.”

Everyone eyed him sceptically as Cheryl walked over

“Oh please, like you cook. Just fess up Jughead, who’s the mystery woman?” The redhead asked.

“There’s no one, you’re all nuts.”

The conversation was stopped short by the first period bell.

“Dude, were totally talking about this at lunch,” Archie said grinning

“Duh” Veronica added throwing a wave to Betty, leaving behind Jughead and Betty as Kevin kissed Betty on the cheek before walking off with Cheryl.

There was a moment of silence Betty smirking at her bright red boyfriend

“So… a tshirt today? No flannel.”

He stared at her dryly

“Wait till all of our friends find out what a little minx you are. You won’t be laughing then.”

Betty shrugged, smiling guiltily and turning on her heels to walk the other way , she quickly turned around and added

“No one told you to wear the worlds sexiest tshirt the day after our two month anniversary festivities.”
She winked and practically skipped off.

He slammed his head into the locker gently. She was gonna be the death of him.
**

By the time lunch came around the entire school was talking about Jugheads hickey, the rumors were everywhere,

Jughead was seeing Ethel,

Jughead was seeing a girl from central

And of course, Archie and jughead were a couple (that one was Reggie. Tool.)

Slamming his tray on the table besides Betty, she jumped up smiling and meeting his eyes.

The rest of the gang was already there and they instantly turned the conversation to hickeys.

Cheryl of course instigating it
“Well it has to be someone who’s aggressive, obvi, look at that mark.”

Veronica nodded “agreed. I could never do something that good, and I’ve been told I’m a pretty fiery lover.” She flipped her dark hair , smiling.

Cheryl nodded “and we all know how intense I am, but that’s good, even for me.”

Kevin said something that had Archie practically dying he was laughing so hard.

“And we all know it can’t be Betty, no offense bets but we all kind of agree, your not really the most passionate lover.”

Before Jughead could even think he had opened his mouth “try again, she’s pretty much the definition of passionate.”

Everyone at the table seemed to have stopped time, slowly turning their heads to stare at the pair in front of them. Betty was blushing so hard they thought she might explode and jughead was kind of just lost in his own idiocy.

“B..Betty?” Archie squeaked out.

“No way you’re lying.” This time it was kevin.

And Cheryl and Veronica were just staring, shocked.

Suddenly something in Betty snapped and she turned to Kevin.

“Actually, yes it was me. As quiet as you think I am, I am very very attracted to my boyfriend, therefore sometimes I get carried away. Can we please stop this conversation now.” She stabbed a piece of lettuce with her fork.

The table went dead silent for thirty seconds before all hell broke loose.

“Boyfriend?”
“Carried away?!”
“How long?”
“How did you get it in that shape?”

Dropping her head to the table, she sighed as Jugheads arm came to rest around her shoulder, tugging her into his side.

“No questions, were dating, going on two months. That’s all you’ve gotta know.” The lazy tone in his voice left no room for argument and the table went silent once again.

Squeezing his hand in hers, she smiled up at him. This was far from over and they both knew that, but for right now, their friends were just gonna have to wait. They were happy, and that’s what matters.

Games & Flames (Rivals AU Playlist)

I made a playlist a few months ago to release some of the feels from reading @kazliin​‘s Rivals AU fanfic, Until My Feet Bleed and My Heart Aches (which is seriously one of the best Yuri on Ice fics written out there and yOU SHOULD TOTALLY READ IT!!!!) but then the companion fic came, and the feels dam just fucking exploded again. I just kept hearing songs that sounded like they’d go nicely with the fic, and I knew I had to make another playlist.

And so here we are! I call this playlist Games & Flames because Viktor seems to like playing mind games and playing with fire hahaha rEAD THE FICS AND YOU’LL UNDERSTAND WHY. also because I like rhymes. Here’s a link to the series again for reference! Details on the playlist and more of my ramblings about why I chose the songs are under the cut~

YouTube | Spotify*

*One of the songs in my list is not on Spotify, I’m so sorry!

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Playboy, bad boy Kim Taehyung (two)

Originally posted by jjks

Series genre: Smut, angst, fluff

Description: Kim Taehyung, one of the nastiest human beings you have ever been associated with. You despite even breathing the same air as him yet he still somehow finds a place in your life.

note: Park Jimin will also play a major role in this series.


Ch1 Ch2


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Jealous

Requested: Can you do one where in y/n is screaming at shawn because shes so mad and jealous but shawn just laughs at her and its all cute and fluffy

Requested: Hey first of all I love your page 😍 it’s the best out here and your writings are sooo good. Can you please do one where Shawn and y/n are shopping and then Shawn mets his ex and y/n gets jealous and they fight but will be together at the end. I hope you understand what I meant. Love you ❤️❤️

Your name: submit What is this?

~~~

You are out shopping with Shawn in Toronto. It is a rare day that you’re able to spend with your boyfriend without all the craziness and busyness of life getting in the way. “Hey Shawn,” You hear a voice from slightly behind the two of you. Turning, you’re expecting to see a fan asking for a picture from Shawn, but recognition crosses his face.

“Hi Laur,” He says in surprise, a smile spreading across his face, and now you turn your attention to the girl and her friends. You recognize the one in the middle from old pictures you’ve seen on the internet. She’s Shawn’s ex and she’s gorgeous, no doubt. You don’t know how Shawn could possibly choose you over her. You wonder if he ever regrets it, if he ever sees pictures of her and misses her, or wishes he was still with her instead of with you. You always knew she was pretty, but you had never met her in person until today, and it wasn’t even intentional so you weren’t able to prepare yourself.

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anonymous asked:

i love the 'my man' headcanon omg tell us more about it! when was the first time alec called magnus that? was it a slip of the tongue sort of thing or said on purpose? what was magnus' reaction to the first time it happened? does magnus ever say "as your man,..." with a tiny smirk on his face as he continues on? omg i swear to god if alec has magnus as "my man" on his phone, im gonna die what a sappy dork

ausdfjasdfa I could talk about this headcanon all fucking day. 

Okay, so the first first time Alec says it, Magnus doesn’t hear him. He’s talking to Izzy. 

“Magnus looks pretty good today,” Izzy said with a smirk while nudging his shoulder. She’s observing 

Alec scoffed, “my man always looks good.” 

And Izzy just raises an eyebrow and laughs at him while he blushes and looks away- but he doesn’t take it back. 

The first time he says it actually TO Magnus was a total slip of the tongue. He 100% saved Magnus in his phone as “My Man” because he’s a disaster romantic dork he just hasn’t really been given the chance to be up until very recently. Also- side note, I just think its super funny that Alec is definitely the more romantic of the two. Like, Magnus thinks he is but his idea of romance is a little bit quirky and Alec is the true traditional romantic. Ngl he 100% has also whispered poetry in Magnus’s ears under the stars on the roof of Magnus’s apartment. 

But the first time Magnus hears it is when Magnus is getting ready to go out. They have reservations at this really nice restaurant that Magnus loves and Alec is super excited to go with him. Anyway, Magnus is wearing this really well-tailored suit, with signature jewelry, and a perfectly tied Winston knot on his bright blue tie that matches the blue eyeliner he’s wearing. 

And Alec just runs his hands up and down the lapels of his jacket (jfc Alec has such a thing for lapels #confirmed). And sort of murmurs to himself, “by the Angel, look at my man.” 

And the second he says it he realizes what he said and he kind of freezes and blushes, but he also has that signature Alec Lightwood Defiant Glare™ just daring Magnus to say something about it. 

“Your man, huh?” Magnus asks. His tone is snarky but his eyes are soft- and one hand reaches to grab one of Alec’s which is still resting on his jacket. 

“Yeah,” Alec says with this super dopey smile and then he raises this challenging eyebrow, “got a problem with that?” 

“Of course not, darling,” Magnus replies. 

And Alec just pulls him in and kiss him, they just barely make their reservation.

Of course, Magnus also uses this against him. Alec is just so weak and soft whenever Magnus refers to himself as his man. Just falls apart, Magnus has one too many arguments by slipping that in. Cheeky bastard. 

Alec is trying to explain why they can’t make out in the Institute but Magnus is kissing down his deflection rune and Alec is this close to cracking. 

“As your man, don’t I get special privileges?” Magnus asks. 

And, as always, Alec always just melts, and is like “yeah- yeah, you do.” 

BUT ALSO! (wow someone please stop me) He also uses it hella to defend Magnus. 

“What the fuck did you just about  my man?” Alec said glaring at a Clave official. Magnus isn’t even here, they’re just making joking comments about the slutty, bisexual, biracial Warlock and Alec won’t have it. 

Normally, if Magnus is around, Alec lets him defend himself because he knows he can. But you’d have to be a damn fool to insult Magnus Bane in front of Alec Lightwood, especially behind that Warlock’s back. 

“I- I-” 

“Don’t you dare talk shit about Magnus again. No one gets away with insulting my man, understood?” 

And the Clave official just shakes in his boots and nods. 


…. Yeah… So this got away from me….. My point is, Alec is just so soft and wants cuddles, and wants to be around his man. And he’s just so super happy that he gets to declare that he’s with a man, a great man, his man, whenever he fucking can. 

🎶🎶When You Collect Records🎶🎶
  • Hipster: *moves dusty old boxes out of the way* Whoa, an old record player. It looks like it's in working order too! *runs outside*
  • Hipster: Yo, dad!
  • Dad: What?
  • Hipster: We're getting rid of all of poppop's stuff, right?
  • Dad: There's something you want, isn't there?
  • Hipster: There's this old stereo record player in the attic.
  • Dad: What do you need a record player for?
  • Hipster: My record collection.
  • Dad: I didn't even know they still made those things. Can't you just listen to music on your phone?
  • Hipster: Dad, there's a big difference between listening to music digitally and on record.
  • Dad: Fine, I don't wanna get into it with you right now. You can take the record player. You just have to get someone else to take it to your place for you. My truck's full.
  • Hipster: Thanks dad! *smooches dad on the cheek*
  • *later at hipster's apartment*
  • Friend: So, like Patch Adams ends with Patch Adams half-naked in front of a ton of people. I don't know if it was meant to be funny or like a weird sex thing, but like the movie was just a deeply disturbing character study. I can't stop thinking about it.
  • Hipster: That sounds boring. *unlocks door to apartment* Ta-da! Here it is! My new record player!
  • Friend: New? Looks fucking old to me, dude.
  • Hipster: Well, it is old. That's the appeal. And we're going to listen to the new Sufjan record on it.
  • Friend: Is that actually how you say Sufjan? Apparently, I've been pronouncing it wrong this whole time.
  • Hipster: Well, you won't after this record. There's an entire track where he just says his name for four minutes. It's amazing. *plays records*
  • Record Player: *coughs* Hello. Hello! Where am I? Doctor? Hello! Why is it so dark...............................Can I breathe? I can't breath. Oh god, I'm not breathing! Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god! I.....................................
  • Hipster: Uh, that's not Sufjan.
  • Friend: It totally isn't. Is it some guest vocalist? I like the new direction he's going in. No instruments or singing, and long stretches of silence. Very experimental.
  • Hipster: *stops record player* I think maybe we should do something else for now.
  • Friend: Fucking lame! I wanted to listen to more Sufjan.
  • *days later at the record store*
  • Hipster: Yo, I think the Sufjan Stevens record I bought from here might be some kind of mispress.
  • Store Clerk: Really? It's a pretty major album. I doubt there'd just be a mispress like that.
  • Hipster: Yeah, but listen to it. It's not Sufjan at all. It's some girl talking.
  • *hipster and clerk listen to a completely normal Sufjan Stevens album together*
  • Store Clerk: What are you talking about? This is definitely Sufjan Stevens.
  • Hipster: Okay, but it wasn't like that when I listened to it at home! I even listened to it with my friend and he heard the same thing!
  • Store Clerk: Maybe there's something wrong with your record player.
  • Hipster: Hmm, maybe there is.
  • *back at the apartment*
  • Hipster: *turns on record player and just listens*
  • Record Player: ...I'm awake again. Why did I black out? Did I even black out? God, I'm not breathing, but it doesn't matter. Why don't I need to breathe? Am I even alive?
  • Hipster: Can you hear me?
  • Record Player: Doctor. Doctor! DOCTOR! Why can't I move? Why can't I feel anything. Keep yourself together. It'll all make sense soon. Calm down. Just breathe deeply. Fuck, I can't breathe! AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I CAN'T BREATHE! DOCTOR! DOCTOR! DOCTOR! HELP! HELP ME, PLEASE! I'M STUCK! I CAN'T MOVE! PLEASE HELP ME!
  • Hipster: *turns off record player* It's just a recording, I bet. I can't believe I talked to it like an idiot... *nervously turns record player back on*
  • Record Player: I blacked out again. I blacked out. For how long? Is there even time here? Hell. This is hell, right? Did I go to hell.........................................
  • Hipster: *listens to the record player for hours*
  • Record Player: Negative 6893 bottles of wine on the wall! Negative 6893 bottles of wine! Take one down, pass it around, Negative 6894 bottles of wine on the wall... fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME! AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
  • Hipster: *keeps listening*
  • Record Player: Soul of Christ, make me holy, Body of Christ, be my salvation. God, please forgive me. I'm sorry for all of my sins. Please free me. I'm so sorry. Please. Please. Please.
  • Hipster: *still listening*
  • Record Player: FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! SHITTY DOCTOR! FUCK YOU! LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! *sobs intensely* FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK EVERYTHING! Please just let me go.
  • Hipster: *nervously walks up to record player and lightly taps on it*
  • Record Player: ...A knock. A KNOCK! PLEASE HELP ME! I'M STUCK! PLEASE! *record player begins shake violently*
  • Hipster: *backs away in fear*
  • Record Player: HELP! HELP! HELP ME! PLEASE, IF SOMEONE'S THERE, HELP ME! HELP ME! I'M STUCK! GET ME OUT OF HERE, PLEASE!
  • Hipster: *unplugs record player*
  • Hipster: *gets hammer from the closet and begins to break apart record player*
  • Record Player: *drips red*
  • Hipster: W-What? *cracks front of record player open*
  • *rotting viscera falls from the record player*
  • Hipster: O-Oh... *stuffs viscera back into the record player and duct tapes over it*
  • Hipster: *turns record player back on*
  • Record Player: ...I can feel. It hurts. Why does it hurt now? Why does it hurt? Why? Why? Why? WHY!? WHY!? WHY!? *spurts blood through it speakers and begins to gurgle*
  • Record Player: *hops forward* Please just let me go. Please... please. I'll do anything. I just want to see you again. I'm so sorry. This isn't what I asked for. I'm so sorry. *hops forward again and comes unplugged*
  • Record Player: *tips over, bleeding heavily onto the carpet*
  • Hipster: *silently cleans up the mess*
  • *some time later*
  • Hipster: *calls dad* Hey, dad. Oh, nothing. Uh, I just need to borrow your truck, If not tonight sometime this week. I just need to get rid of something. No, no, that's fine, I can do it myself. Yeah, tomorrow morning is perfect. Thanks Love you too. Bye.
  • *the next afternoon*
  • Dad: So, what did you need to get rid of this morning?
  • Hipster: Nothing important. Just some old junk... Dad, what kind of person was poppop?
  • Dad: Well, he was only the greatest man I've known in my life. Really caring, dedicated to his family. When you were born he loved you so much. He was a bit of a loner, though. It took a lot to get him to open up. Even around me and your grandmother. He was a bit like you. Always a huge music lover.
  • Hipster: I see. Was he ever a doctor?
  • Dad: That's a weird thing to ask. Nope. He hated doctors. Didn't trust modern medicine one bit. It's ironic. His cancer probably wouldn't have gotten to him if he did. But, your poppop was always so stubborn.
  • Hipster: Oh, okay then.
  • *some days later*
  • Friend: New carpet?
  • Hipster: Yup, old one was ugly wasn't it. It was time for a change.
  • Friend: That's what I've been telling you! I'm glad you finally came to your senses. What happened to your record player, though?
  • Hipster: That thing? I threw it away. It was busted.
  • Friend: That sucks. Are you gonna buy a new one?
  • Hipster: No.
  • Friend: But you won't have anything to play your records on.
  • Hipster: Yeah, but I buy records because I want to support the artists. They're not really for listening. Besides, lossless is better. FLAC is the future.

anonymous asked:

re: staying hydrated --- My initial thought back when I watched pinof 8 for the first time was that it was a cheeky nod to being "thirsty" (like in the sexual 'the thirst is real' way). I can totally imagine someone submitting a question related to dnp being "thirsty" and them morphing it into hydrated. But, since then, they have said so many times it is literally just about drinking water that I just went with the literal interpretation until I read your review. Just thought I would share :)

I just assumed that “Phil, how hydrated are you” in pinof was just a rephrasing of someone asking “How thirsty is Phil” and maybe they just though it was funny that no one understood so they kept saying it? That was my original thought anyway..

this is exactly what i think it was in pinof 8, which is why my dominant working theory on it is that it’s a euphemism for sex hahahah, like if youre stayin hydrated ur ~quenchin that thirst~ so to speak. it’s clever because it is banal enough that they really can pass it off as just this ordinary campaign to remind everyone to drink water except,,, they don’t rly do things like that and we know they think through everything they say and they have a cheeky fucking sense of humor so ,, i think it’s completely feasible that it’s a (sexual) inside joke. 

and dan’s comments about it in the last live show make it all the funnier if it’s just code for sex lmao: 

“your emotional state is affected by how hydrated you are. your physical state. your energy levels.” he sounds rly normal like he’s just genuinely talking about water up till this point. but then he starts stuttering and giggling a bit and says, “w-w-we all need a lot of water, and not all of us have as much as we should.” and by the end of the sentence he’s full-on laughing and has to look away from the screen lmao. (watch here)

and then at the end, someone asks him to stay on longer and he says, “i’m sorry, but everyone else wants me to leave and, more importantly, dan needs to stay hydrated” which like on its own .. maybe would be innocuous but it’s totally irrelevant to what he’s saying lol? then right after …. he says as an aside that he needs to “work that” into the next video, so he’s clearly thinking about it as a joke or a running theme of sorts rather than a literal reminder to drink water. (watch here)

……  ,, ,  … . ….. i mean i’m not rly saying anything but  … i am. dan needed to leave the ls so he could go do the bad. cause doin’ the bad is good for your emotional state. your physical state. your energy levels. and most of you plebs don’t do it as much as you should.

case closed, tbh

Fuck this one customer

Ok so i work at the place of Banera Pread and usually i have pretty good control of my attitude, however there’s always the regular customer who literally comes in every day and is so disrespectful to all the staff. (shoves past our table cleaner and demands to have everything taken care for him, Banera Pread is a seat yourself and take your plates to your dish bin when you’re finished) Lucky me, i had to take him at my cash register and let me just set this up, the bagel wall is directly behind me so customers have a clear view of what we have and what we DONT have. And let me just point out that this was around 6 pm so we of course didn’t have every single bagel in stock. Well this customer gives no fucks whatsoever and goes ahead and orders an everything bagel, sliced, toasted, and with cream cheese. Ok, once again the bagel wall is behind me, and i point out that we don’t have that type of bagel and apologize for the inconvenience.

customer: “ well why don’t you have that type of bagel”
me: “i’m sorry sir, we’re just out of stock”
customer: “there’s a better reason than that, you still have the bagel in the menu! that’s false advertisement! why don’t you have that bagel”
me: “there’s nothing i can do to change the menu if we run out of something sorry. we make a certain number and that’s what we have, if we run out, then we’re out”
customer: “well why don’t you make more right now”
(NOTE: OK BAGELS TAKE HOURS TO MAKE AND REQUIRE SO MUCH WORK, AND ITS UP TO THE MANAGERS! A SIMPLE CASHIER CANNOT BECOME A BAKER JUST IN A DAY)
me:“sir, we just don’t have any for today, sorry”
customer:“i think i need a better explanation than that, i’m a customer”

at this point i was literally ready to lose it and i pulled out my attitude because this man comes in everyday and complains about something, whether it be that the bagel is too light, or it’s too dark, or if the sweetened iced tea isn’t sweet enough (i’m sorry? we have a measuring guideline on the amount of sugar to put!?!?)

me:“sorry is there anything else i can help you with instead of the bagel?”
customer: “just give me a blueberry bagel then”
me: “ok fine… total is $1.49”
customer:“ i asked for a bagel!”
me: “and that’s what i got for you, a blueberry bagel is $1.39 plus our tax!”
customer:“no that’s wrong” he started looking at the menu and saw that it was indeed 1.39 “oh it’s 1.39”
(ITS ONE OF OUR FLAVORED BAGELS SO INSTEAD OF IT BEING 1.09, ITS AN UPCHARGE TO 1.39! MY BAD I GUESS)
me:“ yes sir. ”
customer:“never mind then” literally storms away then comes back 20 minutes later and refused to come back to my cash register.

another incident with this same customer: we were nearing our closing time and we still had some pastries left over in our bakery, and Banera Pread donates all leftover bread and pastries to shelters, churches, people in need, schools, etc… anyways, the customer decided to come up to my register and i of course greeted him politely and asked if he wanted to order anything
customer:“since you’re closing, give me one of your leftover pastries for free”
me:“um sorry, i can’t do that, you could buy one if you’d like to”
customer:“you’re closing, just go ahead and give me one, you’re gonna throw them out anyways”
me: “we donate all leftovers to shelters such as food banks or salvation army”
customer:“ok well donate one to me”
me:“… sir i can’t just give you one, sorry”
customer:“i want to speak to your manager”
my manager came up and told him the exact same thing and he threw a fucking fit about it, like you are a grown fucking man, act like it.

He likes to act like he deserves to be treated highly which is pretty fucking funny considering i went to take my truck to a car wash and guess who washed my truck? that same fucking customer :) so i guess it works out in the end when he decides to treat my coworkers and i like shit.

apanoplyofsong  asked:

OKAY I think I finally came up with an actual prompt?? Something to the effect of "we adopted a pet together and now my mom/whoever definitely thinks we're dating whoops"

10/10 any prompt with pets in it is an excellent prompt. hope you like it and thanks for being such a great friend! (ao3)


The thing about Bellamy Blake, as Clarke well knows, is that he’s incapable of not caring for things smaller and more defenseless than he is. Not when he could help instead. She knew this when he moved in with her. She knew it from the first time he gave drunk Raven a piggyback the whole way home.

What she didn’t know was how it would affect her life once he becomes her roommate.

It starts innocently enough, with Bellamy hanging a bird feeder on the balcony after he finds a nest built into a crevice there.

“How much research did you do last night?” Clarke asks, amusedly interrupting his verbal pros-and-cons rundown of different models at Home Depot. She’d come along in part because she thinks it’s funny, how worried he is about these birds who can ostensibly take care of themselves.

(She’d also come along because it’s really cute, but that’s neither here nor there.)

“I may have looked at a few comparison charts online,” he admits, smiling sheepishly. “I don’t want to spend good money on something that isn’t going to work the way I want it to.”

“I didn’t know there was a wrong way a bird feeder could work.”

“Hence the research.”

She shakes her head fondly and taps the smallest option. “Just get this one. We’re looking to feed one family, not the whole forest.”

He stares for another moment, then nods and starts putting the rest of the boxes back on the shelf.

“How come you’re never this decisive when we’re picking a restaurant for dinner?”

“My muse is fickle, Bellamy.”

“Uh-huh.”

Keep reading

Teach You - Chapter 4

airing: Bucky x fem!Reader
Summary: He was a punk, and she was… what? She was everything society asked for. But he was different, and nobody liked people that were different. So what happens when two different worlds collide? Are they really that different?
Words: ca. 1000
Warnings: None

Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3


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