the fixer uppers

lemonbird  asked:

IMPORTANT QUESTION. Vampires aren't suppose to enter a premise without being invited right? What if a hermit vampire was living in his falling apart old castle and some fuck bought it as a "fixer upper", would the vampire just glitch out on to the lawn or would he be okay since he lived there before?

Okay so this would depend on where you are in the world, and whether or not they had squatters rights (can’t be evicted and can apply for legal ownership of place once they have been there for X amount of years) but I mean, the dude owns the place, even if it is a run down mess he was still there first and there’s probably some ancient land ownership law which can’t be overwritten by modern laws (you find all sorts of weird things are still technically legal cause no one bothered to update the books since 1645) so basically whoever just bought this castle to turn it into a modern fixer upper, congrats, you also just bought yourself a vampire and he’s not going anywhere.

(Also now I kind of want to write this where a family buys it to turn it into a hotel/wedding venue and the kids find the vampire in the attic and he ends up being the weird uncle who gets roped into hilarious wedding related shenanigans?? Like 


“Okay yes fine, you can host weddings here, but registrar only, no religious ones.” 
“But Theolodious, why?”
“Really Sharon, really, do I have to spell it out for you. Really.”

*

“We really should increase the lighting for photographs, what about skylights?”
“No.”
“But—”
“How about I just set all of you on fire while you’re trying to sleep.”

*

“Please, for the love of god, please don’t let people throw confetti or rice, I’m begging you.”

*

“Okay what’s our final head count for the night?”
“107.”
“Are you sure?”
“Did I fucking stutter Steve?”

*

“Uncle Theo, why does the groom have “help me” on the bottom of his shoes, why is everyone laughing?.”
“Because small one, humanity has failed collectively as a species and heteronormativity is a constructed lie designed to oppress over half the population for not conforming to arcane and chauvinistic ideals put in place by dead scholars who have long since turned to dust and have no place influencing modern society.”
“…”
“Permanence is an illusion.”

*

“Madame, flattering as your offer is for a quickie, you’re not my type.”
“What is your type then?” ;) ;) ;)
“O negative.”

*

“Whoo, what a day, I could eat a horse.”
“Same.”
“…”
“…well obviously I’m not going to.”

*

“Theo…are you…are you crying?”
“Yes.”
“You big softie, I never thought someone like you would cry at a wedding.”
“…I’ve lived a long life, Sharron. People come and go, the christening you bless will be the funeral you mourn in less than a century. But people keep saying “I love you”, that has to count for something.”

300k on house hunters: here’s a shack, you might be able to afford paint.
300k on fixer upper: here is an Irish castle that was moved brick by brick from it’s oceanside cliff. We can completely update it, with new appliances, and three pools. We’re also going to make it really personal for you and invite you to hang out at our cool farm.
300k on flip or flop: We bought this studio at an auction. It doesn’t have a ceiling, the walls have holes, and there is a family of racoons living in the floor. We’re going to cover everything in granite and sell it for a million dollars.

i’m lying on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.  the tv flickers with life, casting an eerie hue in the dark.  on the screen, a young couple weeps over their house reveal on Fixer Upper.  surrounding me are avocado peels and toast crusts.  that could’ve been me.  that could’ve been me.

fixer upper | myg

summary: yoongi keeps asking you to fix things in your new apartment, and it’s getting ridiculous.

{boyfriend!au}

pairing: yoongi x reader
word count: 1.5k
genre: fluff
warnings: ass staring!
a/n: there are maybe eight different writing styles in this one single drabble, but whatever. requested by anon! 

If you thought visiting IKEA sometimes three times a week was going to be a rare occurrence in the whole scheme of moving, you’d be entirely wrong. In the past three days alone, you’ve dropped by the store five times, because your boyfriend is always sending you texts at the worst times, like ‘pick up a trash can’ or ‘we need an end table!’ or ‘i can’t figure out how to put this fuckin bookcase together’.

New apartments are typically difficult to come by anyway, so the one you found with Yoongi was practically a diamond in the rough. Decent view, good cell reception, no leaks or creaks or cracks, fully functional kitchen and bathroom. One thing you will complain about for the rest of the time you spend living here, however, is the fact that the apartment overlooks a busy road and therefore means terrible firetruck sounds at three AM, but hey, you can’t have everything.

You’ve finally begun to settle into the new place, furniture slowly starting to cover the barren wasteland that is your apartment, the whole aesthetic of the landscape coming together. It looks pretty good, if you do say so yourself, but it didn’t happen without many an hour spent arguing about the IKEA directions. They just don’t make any sense, and between you and Yoongi, neither of you are very good at deciphering them.

But now the apartment is mostly furnished, save for a few missing shelves here and there, and the it’s finally starting to feel more like a home.

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