Sorry for the wait! I wanted to get these pages as right as possible. Sometimes pages like these take me longer because there’s a certain mood I want to capture. Also Photoshop takes forever to save all the changes because hundreds of layers >_> I hope it was worth it :’) I hope they turned out alright D: I’m really nervous about this update for some reason.
Also just take these pages away from me JUST TAKE THEM I SPENT TOO MUCH TIME FUSSING OVER THEM I CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS I’LL NEVER GET DONE AND I NEED TO SLEEP
I am finally over the past and ready for what is next.
The last 18 plus months have been emotional for me to say the least and I felt the sudden need to write it all down. I don’t normally post anything so personal so bare with me..
I was married to a man who made me feel I was never good or clever enough, never slim enough, if I put on only half a pound he was massively disappointed and would watch everything I ate for the next week (before we married he actually bought me a book on how to loose weight as a mothers day gift.. nice huh), my sexual needs were rarely met, my kinks were just abnormal to him and he wasn’t willing to explore them with me, apparently I had something wrong with me for wanting what I wanted (couldn’t even get a light spanking or hair pull from him! lol). So in June 2015 I worked up the courage to leave, I didn’t love him anymore and quite honestly I grew to hate the man.. It was an emotional time but I knew it was right for me and my family. I learnt that I deserved more in a relationship, I deserved better, I deserved to be happy.
A couple of months later I met the man who I thought was my soul mate. He was from the States and with me being in the UK we decided to try a long distance relationship. For me it felt like this great big love affair, he told me how beautiful and sexy I was, how perfect my body was (I have the worst insecurities and still work on it everyday), he would say how he didn’t deserve me and that I was his guardian angel, sent to him to bring some meaning back to his life (I know, I know total line right?), he prided himself on being honest at all times, he was open minded, would listen to what I wanted, both sexually and in life and said he wanted the same.
I thought he was perfect. I would have done absolutely anything for him, I wanted to make him happy, I wanted to please him. I would set my alarms for the early hours of the morning so I could speak to him during his break in work (he was 8 hours behind me) even though I needed to be up ready for the kids and work a couple of hours later. I would always make time to send him little messages during my day for him to wake up to, quotes, pictures of me etc just to let him see that even though we were thousands of miles apart I was always thinking of him. I made arrangements for my ex to have the kids for a week so I would be able to go visit him.
During all of this I would have this niggling feeling that I should have listened to, I was making all this effort but I wasn’t receiving the same back.. I would ask if he could call me sometimes before he went to bed and I start work… never happened “sorry baby I’m too tired” was the usual reply but he used the word baby which he knew would work on me and I wouldn’t say anything, skype calls were rare, there was always some excuse.. The only time he would call me without me prompting was so we could play. Sexually he had different kinks to me, he knew I wasn’t comfortable with them but in time would possibly be open to trying them but he would constantly push them, he would use the fact that I was starting to identify myself as being submissive as a way to sway me to doing what he wanted, I was starting to feel that this isn’t right but ignored the feeling yet again.
When I visited he rarely took any time off work to spend with me, I never expected a full week of attention, I actually enjoyed a day exploring a little on my own but at least 4 or 5 days isn’t much to ask?? but I thought I was in love and when you feel like that you make excuses for the one you love:
“oh its ok, he needs to work for the tip money to pay his bills”
“he works so hard, of course he is tired, I wont get upset that he doesn’t want to talk to me”
“he hates himself on camera, I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable”
But deep down it hurt and it was getting to me.. I would mention how I was feeling and then he would shut down and just ignore my messages for a while, which made me feel crap but then I would think maybe I’m over reacting? and actually apologise for how I was feeling!!
During my last visit in August we actually had some of the best few days but it was strained at times, the worst being when he decided to go into work (apparently for a meeting) on a day we had made plans to venture out for a long drive so I could see some more of the State, he came back 5 hours later, we went out for a quick bite and he told me he was going back to work.. I got emotional and couldn’t help but cry, he made me feel bad for it by saying I was being selfish and that we had already had a good couple of days, he took me back to his place, went to work and I just cried, I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up a few hours later to find he was already back and had gone to bed. Looking back now I think that was the beginning of the end for me.. I deserved to be treated better than this, especially when I had flown 19+ hours to see him.
The next few months, he became distant, not as many texts, no calls, unless he wanted something and no video calls whatsoever.. this is not how a long distance relationship survives.. but I still kept making excuses, even planning on my next trip but he was being vague and wouldn’t confirm dates with me, I couldn’t understand it.
The kicker came in November.. His ex wife found me on Instagram, sent me screenshots of messages between them, showing he had been still hooking up with her now and then, messages where he is denying being in a relationship with me, telling her that I wished I was his girlfriend, she told me he had been seeing someone else too..
It destroyed me, I mean I was the cliché broken hearted woman, I was in my bed, in the dark crying my eyes out all day, not eating a thing for over a week, barely holding it together for my kids and once they were out I was dead inside, I lost too much weight and looked like shit.. he denied it of course and in my vulnerability I wanted to believe him but deep down I knew his ex was telling the truth and the trust was gone.
I kept fighting though because I’m a stubborn cow but I also wanted to see if he would try and make more of an effort to keep me but he didn’t.. I started to become numb and not caring anymore, he chose not to talk to me on Christmas day.. instead got drunk, nice! New Years Eve I didn’t hear from him but I was hurt but not surprised and realised I couldn’t carry on like this, I didn’t want to carry on like this, I loved him but I wasn’t in love with him anymore, it took a week to do it but I finally ended it.
Its took a couple of weeks and some messages off him on Saturday saying all the things that used to make me fall for him to see I am over him and quite honestly, looking back I see it wasn’t this big love affair that I thought it was, he wasn’t my soulmate, if he was he would not have treated me the way he did, actions always speak louder than words FACT, it was a fantasy of sorts, almost an escape from all the stuff going on with my ex. It wasn’t the relationship I thought it had been or what I wanted but I don’t regret it, not for a second, it was an adventure that I can look back on.
I have learnt my lessons (I hope!!!) from the past and I believe they have helped shape who I am today I know what I want and what I deserve from a relationship and partner, I deserve to be cherished, loved, wanted and cared for, guided towards being a better version of myself, not changed to suit someone else. In return they get all of me and the love I have to give.
so i work hella long hours this weekend though tuesday, but i have the final portion of g’n’g ii on queue for you guys tonight!!
i need to look at my schedule again, but i’m pretty sure i’ll be listing books/charms later next week because i have this incredible little span of time off and i am SO EXCITED to be getting more home work done and just to open the shop back up
thanks for the patience on that, btw! i know some have been getting antsy!
WHICH REMINDS ME, i’ll have a little surprise to unveil in collaboration with @neven-ebrez soon! so be on the lookout for that!
It’s been quite a ride for us, but we are so excited to finally be able to share with you the wonderful work of all our participants! We’ll be taking the next couple days to make sure everything is in order and ready to roll, and on Monday we will begin posting fics.
– Each day we’ll post three fics, at varying times and of varying lengths, and at the end of each week we’ll put out a roundup of all the fics posted during that week.
– To stay up to date you can follow us here on tumblr and track the tag “hlspringfic” to make sure you don’t miss when new fics are revealed!
– Authors will be revealed in two phases - once at the halfway point of posting, and again once posting is complete. Recipients, once your gift is posted make sure to send your author some love! Comments and kudos are a great way to show your appreciation :)
– To everyone who participated - thankyou for being such a wonderful bunch!
– To everyone excited for all the new fic - pleasereblog this post and share it with your friends to get the word out! The authors have all worked really hard on their gifts and deserve to have them seen!
Aaaand, that’s about it! We hope you’re all as pumped as we are!