the family bagel

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This bagel, he is a naughty little guy sometimes (he is always trying to table surf!), but he is also the best big brofur ever. He loves his little furless brother so much, and is so very patient and sweet with him. So glad he found his way to our family!

Coming Out To A Grandma With Dementia
  • The First Time
  • Me: Well actually, Grandma, she's a girl.
  • Grandma: Hmm? A girl? -gives me an odd look-
  • Me: Yeah. Grandma... I'm bisexual. I like guys and girls.
  • Grandma: -wrinkles up her nose like she just sucked a lemon-
  • -protracted silence-
  • Me: Grandma?
  • Grandma: Did... something happen to you? When you were little?
  • Me: -sighs- It's okay, Grandma. I just wanted you to know.
  • Grandma: Okay.
  • The Second Time
  • Me: And so I took her out to dinner.
  • Grandma: Her?
  • Me: Yeah Grandma, her.
  • Grandma: -long silence-
  • Me: Remember, Grandma? I'm gay? I like girls.
  • Grandma: -long silence-
  • Grandma: Huh. (Said in that sort of "I never really considered that" tone not an "I'm so offended" tone)
  • Grandma: Well that's something. Is she nice?
  • Me: Yeah, Grandma. She's very nice.
  • The Third Time
  • Me: Grandma... you do remember I'm gay, right?
  • Grandma: What? Of course.
  • Me: Okay. Just checking.
  • Grandma: -thoughtful silence-
  • Grandma: -leans in and whispers- How do... you know... girls do that?
  • Me: -50 Shades of Red- Well uh... there's all the normal ways and there's um... toys... that you can like... buy at special stores.
  • Grandma: -nodding like I handed down the wisdom of Solomon- Ah. And do you have those?
  • Me: -100 Shades of Red- Yes, Grandma.
  • Grandma: Can you take me some time? To the store. I want to see some.
  • Me: -thanking whatever gods exist that she won't remember this in the morning- Yes, Grandma. We can go to the store.
  • Grandma: Okay. You want half a bagel? I want a bagel but I can't eat the whole thing. (WHICH IS A LIE! You always ended up eating like 6 bagels cause she kept wanting "half a bagel")
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6.5.2015

Going to have to take this moment and give it up for my body, my temple in my life, and my mind, for giving me strength and faith.

Haven’t particularly been going through the best part of my life lately. Months of hard work have gone by without achieving a successful recovery for my injury. But through this has come strength I never would have had. Through the bad has come a lot of good. Whatever “bad time” has been presented in the past, is being presented right now, or will one day happen, remember this: a Phoenix burns in the fire and from the ashes, rises and is reborn. This is true for us, as well. Bad times don’t last forever.

Dedicating this post to the fact I’m going to eat a donut today, something I haven’t had in years because self-image and struggles have stolen countless donuts from me.

My childhood? A happy one. No issues, until something that hits a lot of young adults comes around…body image, and not in a positive light.

Years of struggling with an eating disorder. “Rules,” many times on my bathroom floor, crying, asking God to get me out of this cycle. Excusing myself from my kitchen table to go in my room so I didn’t have to sit and watch my family eat bagels and pizza as I sat there and chewed on an apple and carrots.

Overcame the initial struggles and grew as a person. Felt “recovered,” felt good, but still very skinny. Still had many moments of self-doubt, feeling unworthy unless I was at a certain number, or fitting into a certain size in jeans, or if I could feel this bone or that bone through my skin. 

Still continued to live, still continued to fight, and finally got to a healthy weight. I was scared. I didn’t like this new number because people were telling me, “You look healthy,” but I wasn’t hearing the word skinny or small anymore.

Went into my first year at college. Thrived. Had the cross country season of my life. Was eating “well,” but running 8+ miles a day. Felt “strong,” until a few months ago looking back, when I was forced to give up my biggest passion these last few months because of injury. I was faced eye-to-eye with many inner demons that still existed and I still had yet to fight.

Gained some weight, naturally. Funny thing about bodies…they naturally adapt to our schedule. Strenuous exercise? Of course you’ll be a little slimmer than normal. Forced to take time off? Of course you may put on some weight. How come that gets a bad rep? Truth is, we give it one. We fuel our negative thoughts with anxiety. Weight gain isn’t bad, that’s something I’m becoming more comfortable with day in and day out. Your body is not static. It is a growing, changing, transforming being.

So here I am. Probably the healthiest, strongest, most open-minded I’ve been in years. It took months of injury, weeks of no exercise, and a few pounds to prove it: but I’ll be damned if I ever go back to unhealthy ways of disallowing my soul and body to eat cookies, ice cream, or cake unless I “deserve” it that day, to go back to feeling anxious about a day of rest. I always am worthy of those things. Always.

I know what it’s like to lay in bed at night hoping in the morning that things will be better. I know what it’s like to cry yourself to sleep for weeks on end, asking, “Why me?” I know what it’s like to put on an act like things are okay when nothing really is okay at all. And I know what it’s like to want to give up, but I will tell you that when you think there is nothing left to keep you going, there is.

Shit happens. Bad stuff does happen. But incredible things come from the bad. Tenacity, strength, dedication, an unflinching will, patience, wisdom…they come. And the good news? Tough times don’t last, but tough people? They always do.

So today, I would like you to look back and see how far you’ve come. If you are struggling right now, I’d like to remind you to tell yourself, “This won’t last forever.” Look for the good. Find your strength. Do not give up.

There is living proof all around you that the power of overcoming obstacles and adversity is always possible and always happens. Make your comeback story the best one you know of. Be proud of your pain, for those around you have not overcome all that you have, but YOU did.

Today, I would like you to believe in the beauty that life offers, the strength that you inhibit, and all the good that is yet to come, no matter how far it may seem, it is on the way.