Part five ‘All things’ Missing scene Scully POV (Epilogue) Post ep Mulder POV
I wake up suddenly, instantly guilty that I managed to literally pass out right in the middle of listening to Mulder waxing lyrical on the potentiality of fate, of the different paths we are destined to take throughout our lives; the paths in fact that we ourselves have taken to bring us right here to this point in time in our strange partnership.
Sometimes I have trouble categorising exactly what it is we share, what exactly is the product of our seven year history together that has seen us fight and fall and push ourselves far away from each other so many times; only to somehow always manage to re-connect once more?
More than once I have tried to rationalise this thing we have, this us that is separate from our working lives but at the same time, the threads of our professional history are still wound tightly around us, refusing to fully separate, to allow us to be the people we both yearn to be. I’m not stupid, I know that a normal life can never be for us, that what others take for granted – a home, a family, simple pleasures that are nothing and everything at the same time – are distressingly unobtainable.
Because even if Mulder and I had chosen to keep hold of the feelings for each other that we had denied for so long and instead turned to others to help fill in the blanks in our lives that our work on the X-Files had brought upon us, I still believe that those simple life expectations could never be for us. Too much has happened and too much has been lost and I came to realise a very long time ago that I could never risk bringing in anyone from outside this frightening world we inhabit; that enough innocents have been lost to our quest already. The blood on my hands is ever present and I know with a certainty that paralyses me at times, that I will never be able to completely cleanse myself of the guilt I carry around with me for the part I played in the destruction of the relationships and the people I loved.