starring channing tatum as the dopey roman soldier and jamie bell as his feisty briton slave. channing takes jamie north of hadrian’s wall to get the golden eagle back from the wildlings.
it all starts when channing sees jamie go all ‘fuck this russell crowe gladiator shit’ and throw down his sword in the ring.
he gets the shit smacked out of him anyway and is about to get shanked
but channing just can’t handle it. he gets everyone to do the joaquin phoenix thumbs up so jamie baby can live.
uncle donald ships it so he gives jamie to channing as his slave. except jamie’s butthurt because he’s a briton and hates all romans and he kinda wants to kill channing.
channing has to get leg surgery. one of jamie’s slave duties is to “hold him down”
channing decides to take jamie with him on his mission because he’s part wildling and because channing really has no idea wtf he’s doing. their journey north is full of awkward sidelong glances.
jamie starts having feels. he wants to kill channing a little less every day.
then they come across mark strong with a weird american accent.
he tells them the seal people have the eagle. so channing and jamie find the seal people and jamie has to pretend like channing is HIS slave so they don’t get suspicious
jamie really sells it.
except channing thinks jamie actually turned on him and is super depressed… until jamie wakes him up in the middle of the night to go snatch the eagle!
they grab the thing and get the fuck outta there. only channing’s leg hurts and he can’t walk. he’s all “take the eagle! go on without me!”
dude runs his ass off to save channing. and then
they kill the bad guys together, return the eagle and ride off into the sunset together.