the dog park does not exist

Back in 2012, History Week said that in 2052, “there will have been no mayor (of Night Vale) for over thirty years.”

That timeline is vague, and could apply to events as distant as five years from now, but it most certainly includes 2017; that would make it 35 years since Night Vale had had a mayor, which does fit the phrasing “over thirty years”.

I’m not saying that Dana Cardinal- or to be more precise, Mayor Dana Cardinal, the Dana Cardinal who killed her double and survived entering the dog park, the Dana Cardinal that we’ve grown to know and love in the main reality of the podcast- is necessarily gone for good, and that her absence will necessarily mean an end to mayors being a thing in Night Vale at all.

I’m just saying that that is a distinct possibility, and one that is backed up by existing Night Vale canon to boot. (It’s rather old canon, true, but this arc has been referencing a lot of old canon lately.)

I’m definitely concerned about Dana right now… no, not concerned. Worried.

Soulmate!Soonyoung

(notes! I have the rest of seventeen planned! Request some other idols please!)

•in this au, you can’t get hurt, or killed unless it’s your soulmate
•you can die by disease, or natural disaster still so you can drown and be burned to death
•you can also die from heights, so jumping off a cliff would kill you if you hit things that are in your path
•but if you’re stabbed, it won’t kill you or injure
•same with a gun
•there’s a lot of drowning in crimes though

•so since you can’t get hurt unless it’s by your soulmates hands
•everyone in kindergarten and like first grade is a little dare Devil
•mostly you though, you do something and all the others follow
•you were born questioning the world
•not like the kids who were doing it to be cool
•you did it because something in the back of you mind wondered why
•and you had no self control
•but what four year old does????
•so one day, you’re walking with your older brother to the park
•and you see a dog across the street
•soooo you run to go pet the dog, letting go of your brothers hand
•as he yells your name, you stop in the street and turn to look at him
•and a car hits you
•catapulting you up in the air, as your small body flails about
•gravity exists so you slam onto the ground, unconscious but not hurt
•everyone’s freaking out, older people are yelling at the driver, your brothers sobbing, traumatized
•but a teen boy comes and picks up your unconscious body, and grabs your brothers hand
•and walks with you guys, asking your brother where your house is
•you wake up on the walk there
•and start screaming when your up in the air again and bite the teen
•when he pretty much flings you on the floor
•you arch your back and start growling at him like you’re a cat
•and run on all fours home
•making them run after you
•because YoU JUSt gOt hIT bY a cAR
•so you run in through the doggy door and they knock on the door
•and your mom comes and she’s like yes?
•after they explain what happened she just sighs and shakes her head
•this isn’t the first time that you’ve gotten hit by something
•and she thanks the teen who introduced himself as junmyeon
•as he left you waved to him
•your mom yelled at you (obviously)
•and you just went
•"the pup mom, the pup.“
•and she sighed once more
•you were a wild child without fear
•(except heights)

•so now you’re a teen
•still a pretty wild child
•but now you look both ways
•and can’t fit through the doggy door
•but you cook!
•you like to cook, but only if it’s by your rules
•no recipes, no telling you that you really shouldn’t put paprika into pineapple porkchops
•yeah you’re still pretty wack
•but you’ve kept in touch with the teen who’s no longer a teen, junmyeon
•who’s the only one you’ll listen to
•he’s the one who got you into cooking
•(he’s apologized to your mother)
•you respect him because he tells you what’s really going on
•unlike your mom and brother who think that you’re too fragile
•you love your family but they want to bubble wrap you and never let you leave home
•but you’ve calmed down some
•it was a deal with your mom, that you’d stop doing dumb things like that
•and she would let you join the parkour club
•you agreed

•so Minghao is in this club along with dance so he comes and goes
•but you’re like acquaintances
•where the club meets is in the gym of the school
•because the teachers can put mats on the floor, just in case
•if you compare yourself to some of the other kids, you’re quiet and calm
•they’re like doing flips off the walls
•jumping over buildings
•and your just like ‘yeah, how about no’

•okay so one day when the club is meeting, they ask you to go on a juice run
•so you go, excited to get away from them for a little
•you start walking with a piece of paper in your pants pocket, telling you what everyone wants
•so you walk to the vending machine
•thankfully there’s only one person there
•it’s a boy from the grade under you
•lee chan, the boy who’s friends are older
•he’s getting a ton of drinks, having to put them down on the floor
•"you need help?”
•you asked amused, seeing the boy fumble with his possibly nineteen drinks
•when he nods, you take the plastic bag you had in your hands and start putting drinks in
•when there’s only three drinks left, you hand him the bag, and carry the others
•"where to?“
•walking with him to the basketball court while making small talk isn’t too bad
•when you arrive at the court, you help him live the drink on the bench
•when you’re about to take your bag bag and leave, he offers you a drink
•you agree, and sit next to him
•both of you watching the game
•while you’re watching, all of a sudden you feel your body hit the ground
•when the object that hit you bounces away, you’re left on the ground blinking up at the sky
•"are you okay?!”
•Chan is asking, shaking you gently
•you take your hand and touch your nose
•blood is trickling out from in
•"I’m bleeding!“
•you screeched, excited and frightened
•you sit up quickly, looking for the person who threw the ball
•he’s standing still, shocked, eyes wide and mouth open
•"you’re my soulmate, you hit me with a basketball!”
•you yell once more, still excited
•and then you stand up and walk out of the court to head to the nurse
•while you’re walking you hear footsteps
•they’re your soulmate!
•you stop, allowing him to catch up
•"i-im soonyoung. We’re soulmates!“
•he says huffing and puffing from having to run
•"I know, I’m y/n”
•grabbing his hand, you continue walking to the nurse
•conversing with the boy who gave you a split lip and a bloody nose

•three weeks later, you and soonyoung are dating and are known as the hyperactive couple
•people like to say that you guys don’t sleep
•you guys are always seen running around, maybe because if pranks or to do parkour
•he’s trying to teach you how to dance but you just want to add flips to everything
•"y/n! We cannot add four backflips in Beyoncé!“
•"so what you’re saying is that we should change it to Rihanna and then I can do back flips?”
•*soonyoung groaning*
•there’s a lot of competition between you two
•like a lot!
•so much that you’ve had dance offs that included chan, Minghao and jun

•you two are crazy
•crazy in love!!!

•"no back flips, serious y/n.“
•"fine, front flips!”

Alone, Until I Get Home (10/?)

Summary: In Boston, Henry Swan’s six-year-old brother Ian finds a book titled “Once Upon a Time” hidden beneath the seat in their mom’s old yellow bug. As soon as Henry touches it, he remembers.

Season 3 Canon Divergence-Emma finds out she’s pregnant a few weeks after she and Henry leave Storybrooke with new memories and new lives. Nearly seven years later, another Dark Curse puts her family in danger, and Emma must return to Storybrooke to help them.

Who’s powerful enough to cast the Dark Curse? And how the hell is she going to tell Hook they have a son together?

A/N:   I just want to thank y'all for your patience, and I apologize for the long wait. I still have 3 weeks of my summer job left, so it may be another 3 weeks before I can update again, so I thank you in advance for even more of your patience. However, I was planning on updating Cygnets with a few chapters in the meantime, so if you’re into that, keep an eye out! :D

Also on: AO3

Tagging: @el-kelpo @m98h @strawberrycupcakeprincess @crisanja @superchocovian @adeelam @andiirivera @cinnamonduckling @mez86 (let me know if you want on or off, or if you wanted on and I left you out on accident!!!)

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Tutor!Eunwoo AU

•tutor eunwoo i’m gonna flip
•just imagine
•looking next to you and seeing eunwoo with those cute frames
•asjsldjlhlksgsj
•leans over your shoulder to look at your work
•"ahhh, here’s where you went wrong"
•gently takes your pencil from your hand to so he can write as he explains
•is determined to help you raise your grades
•this boy ain’t stopping til you get As
•even if it takes months
•as long as you get there that’s all he cares about
•he’s so dedicated and sweet gahhh
•recommends study methods he think will work for you
•is willing to answer questions no matter the time
•it’s noon and he’s eating lunch?
•no problem
•it’s 3 am and you’re stumped on a math equation?
•he’s got your back
•worked with you day and night to help you ace that biology test
•tried to decline the cookies you brought as thanks
•"i couldn’t have done it without you" “it was all you, i just helped a little”
•ends up giving in and accepting the cookies
•imagine him pushing his glasses up his nose when they start slipping
•he’s so cute
•how you even get any work done around him you don’t know
•gets really excited you get a question you’ve been struggling with right
•"see? i told you you could do it"
•believes in you 100%
•always tells you that you’re smarter than you think you are
•he says it so sincerely that eventually you believe him
•and man if that didn’t help your grades improve even more
•confidence does wonders
•has a lot of different spots that you two go to to study
•the library, the park, cafés, this cute little ice cream shop you didn’t even know existed until he took you
•(they have the best soft serve)
•his and your favorite place is this little spot by the stream
•not only is the soft sound of the running water relaxing but it’s also near a dog park
•when you’d start to get really stressed or tired he’d take you there so you can play with the puppies
•you always feel 100% recharged after
•you feel a little sad when your grades are finally high
•because that means you no longer need Eunwoo to tutor you
•but he tells you that you can call him anytime you’re confused about something
•and if he notices you’re confused a little too often he doesn’t mention it
•after all he loves talking to his favorite ex-tutee

Gravity Falls and Night Vale Exist in the Same Universe (and something HUGE happened) Theory

Bear with me, listeners: this is gonna be long.

- They both started on the same day: June 15, 2012

- They are both “weird” towns filled with paranormal wonders.

- Alex Hirsch once said himself that if you put a red pin on a map every time something weird or paranormal happens, they become more clustered once you get close to Gravity Falls.  Night Vale is located “somewhere in the Southwestern United States” (I always think of Arizona).  That’s pretty close to Oregon, if you ask me.

- StrexCorp vs The Blind Eye Society

  • Okay, I’m pretty sure that the Blind Eye Society has more sects that are outside of Gravity Falls.  There have to be other memory guns and other people who just want to forget all of the crazy sh*t they’ve seen.  I think there’s a sect of the Blind Eye Society somewhere in Night Vale, and the only place where it could be is the infamous Dog Park.  All I know about the Dog Park is that dogs and people are not allowed in the Dog Park, and it doesn’t exist, but it does, and sometimes it occupies other dimensions.  And that no one is supposed to speak of it.  Also, that it is sometimes a meeting place for hooded figures.  The Blind Eye Society is chalk full of hooded people.  This could be another reason why it’s so shrouded by mystery: the people of Night Vale probably saw something weird and had their memories erased.  I’ll bet they’ve all been inside there at least once, but the Society makes sure that they never venture in there again—by means of other mind games, I’m sure.
  • I also think that Bill Cipher is heavily involved with StrexCorp.  Hear me out.  I think a lot of fans agree with me when I say that Desert Bluffs is basically what Night Vale could have been if they were unable to keep StrexCorp (and the Smiling god) away from them. We heard in “Triptych” that Kevin actually used to hate StrexCorp as much as Cecil did and seemed like a kind, caring individual.  Then StrexCorp went and turned him into…well, the Kevin we all know.  But later in his life Kevin will be broken, beaten down by whatever StrexCorp did to him, and inform Cecil that StrexCorp is a terrible thing.  He seemed so traumatized by it that I was reminded of Fiddleford McGucket.  After one glimpse of Bill Cipher’s dimension, Fiddleford was left mentally assaulted with so many terrible things that he created the B.E.S. just to forget about it, and that eventually led him to insanity.
  • …which only fuels my theory: Bill Cipher (and one of his “friends”) are basically the masterminds behind StrexCorp.  Anyone who’s watched Weirdmaggedon I, II, and III know what happens when Bill merges his dimension with ours.  I’ll bet some crazy person outside of Desert Bluffs and Night Vale made a deal with Bill involving some kind of business organization.  Bill agrees, but there’s always a twist with him, some kind of favor.  So what was originally going to be a successful monopoly turns into a freakish cult, all worshiping the “Smiling God.”  I’ve seen fanart sketches of the smiling god and none of them actually look human. Doesn’t that sound like something that would hang out in Bill’s dimension?  Or on a darker note, doesn’t this sound like something Bill would turn a person into?  Maybe the person that made the deal with Bill in the first place?  This smiling god acts like a true leader that will fix everything and bam, Desert Bluffs—despite Kevin’s initial protests—falls under its control.  But there are hints that Bill is still the one in charge—the most obvious ones being the triangle on the StrexCorp posters, as well as Kevin’s cheery, yet sadistic personality.  Also the fact that in most fanart, he’s wearing something yellow.  I’ll bet that Kevin’s even allowed Bill to control him at one time or another.
  • Another thing: Cecil and Kevin are usually depicted in fanart as having a third eye.  I for one don’t support this headcanon (but you guys can think what you want).  However, I do think that there is a hell of a lot of symbolism involving those third eyes.  This may get a little confusing, but I’ll try to explain as best I can.
    • Cecil knows all about the weird stuff happening in Night Vale—hell, he’s the voice of Night Vale, how could he not?  The important part is, he just takes it in stride.  I’m sure that in episodes he’s reacted strongly to stuff, but in the next episode he’s still sitting there in that studio, ready to speak again.  The weird stuff has become normal to him. That’s why his third eye is still intact—he knows what he believes in, and he’s not controlled by anyone.  Kevin, on the other hand, has let a higher power completely and utterly take over and destroy his life.  He’s succumbed to their fake smiles and their bloody normal.  He’s let someone else decide what he sees and what he believes—that’s why his third eye is either sewn shut, darkened, or gouged out.  Yet another allusion to the B.E.S..  He has—in a way—turned a “blind eye” to the crazy stuff and has let someone else make decisions for him.

- Cecil Palmer and Tad Strange are the same person.

  • I’m gonna start this off by saying that I’ve heard several things about this little theory—one of them being that Tad Strange became Cecil Palmer after he was tragically scarred by what happened during Weirdmaggedon.  But I don’t think that’s quite true.  In my theory, Bill was responsible for what happened to Desert Bluffs.  Now how could all of that happen if Bill died in Gravity Falls beforehand?  I think Cecil Palmer became Tad Strange, and here’s how:
    • StrexCorp invades Night Vale.  That’s the short answer, and it seems like that’s how the inevitable end to Night Vale will come to pass. Night Vale put up a fight the last time StrexCorp tried to come and they managed to hold it off.  But there are three things that tell me StrexCorp will be back: One, StrexCorp loves winning.  Two, Cecil actually says that Night Vale “did not stop the unraveling of the universe” which might foreshadow StrexCorp’s return.  The third one is the one I’m going off of: Cecil accidentally let it slip in a broadcast to recent-past-Kevin that there was going to be a rebellion against StrexCorp in the future.  Cecil was able to pass it off as a funny joke, but I’ll bet Kevin makes plans ahead of time. (See Triptych for more info.)
    • So when this time does indeed come to pass, Cecil becomes a fugitive because he believes too much in his own beloved town to ever believe in a “smiling god.”  Kevin and the rest of StrexCorp make sure that Cecil suffers a lot for his disobedience…they torture other people to draw him out, etc.  Cecil tries to gain a few followers, but there’s nothing he can do.  Maybe a few months later he seriously has no place to turn to and stumbles across the Dog Park, where the Blind Eye Society takes him in and completely erases Night Vale from his mind.  They safely get him out of Night Vale and away from StrexCorp.  So after a while, he just sort of stumbles upon Gravity Falls and makes another identity for himself from a little phrase he hears.

And here are a few other things that I found that were completely coincidental, but somehow may fit into the rest of this theory:

Triptych (the episode where Cecil finds out about Kevin’s past and future) and the Stanchurian candidate (where Tad Strange’s first appearance is) were released roughly around the same time.

There are a lot of quotes from Night Vale that would fit in Gravity Falls and vice versa, one of which being the one I’ll close with:

“Be proud of your place in the cosmos. It is small, and yet it is. How unlikely! How fantastic! And stupid. 

And excellent.”

Aside from the stuff she openly admitted was her fault it’s really weird and mindblowing that so much that is weird with Night Vale is because of Huntokar and perhaps that one incident in which she tried to save everyone. Like;

- Mysterious appearance and disappearance of ‘dinosaurs’ 
- Different headlines from events that happened both in Nulgorsk and King City
- The fact there are so many Troy Walsh’s
- Desert Bluffs existing alongside Night Vale, rather than in it’s own reality (at this point it probably is just another version of Night Vale, a really changed one)
- Mainstream religions exist but everyone does the bloodstone circle thing
- Earl Harlan suddenly ageing and gaining a son
- What happened at the Smithwick House
- Also The House That Doesn’t Exist
- The fact that the dog park just goes into another world
- The fact that Old Oak Doors appear which lead to another world
- The portals that opened during the Sandstorm
- Intern Vanessa being both dead and kinda not dead and still working
- Whatever the ‘incident’ that happened to Desert Bluffs was, as mentioned by Cecil and Kevin and what led to the death of Intern Vanessa (but only sometimes)
- Carlos being gone for a lot longer to people outside of Night Vale than he’s actually been in Night Vale
- Intern Kareem’s everything
- The weird and inexplicable things that happen to interns in general
- The existence of certain weird but lesser entities like the hooded figures and the Sphere that judges people by fashion

There’s probably more things that could possible be the fault of other realities bleeding into ours etc, feel free to add.

Manhattan gothic
  • You are waiting for a bus. You were waiting for the L train, but the L train does not exist after 4 pm. It is snowing. The shadow-man in the booth told you to wait on the street. The snow accumulates, burying your feet and then your ankles. The bus does not come.
  • A dog barks at the pigeons. The pigeons stare at it, undeterred. You have seen that look before, but the dog hasn’t. A flurry of wings, and the dog is silent.
  • That singer in the park was really something. You don’t remember which park it was, whether it was a square or a rectangle, what statues tried to stab you on the way in, which urgent panicked fearful chants you fled from on on the way out. I think she’ll make it big, you tell yourself.
  • The clacking of high heels is everywhere. It drives you mad, like the neighbor steadily knocking on your door, standing at the threshold but knowing you will invite them in. One day you go to brunch, and you find that you, too, are wearing high heels. You clutch your mimosa a little tighter, but say nothing.
  • There is a new Thai place on the corner, right next to the nail salon. It is a new corner each time, and a new salon, and a new Thai place. The lesbian couple with immaculate nails says the pad thai is delicious. No one ever orders the pad thai. 
  • The garbage on the street does not smell anymore. You have just passed a laundromat overflowing with detergent and Sinatra, and you smell nothing anymore. You still crinkle your nose in sympathy when your parents complain.
  • Someone told you a woman once spilled her Starbucks on the street; they think she may have disappeared entirely.
  • The Water is wonderful. There is no Water more wonderful than New York Water. New Yorkers and tourists alike drink the New York Water and loudly proclaim it to be the best they’ve ever tasted, as if to an omnipotent, unseeable entity. The Water is in their blood. the Water is their blood.
  • You have been waiting for the light to turn green. Any light. All the lights are red, and hands are pressed up to your face. Everything is red, and you cannot move. You cannot–

short thoughts on wtnv 111!!!!!

  • AAAAAA WHAT A GOOD START
  • the callback to episode 1 was cool!!!
  • I’m still rlly happy that the angels are finally being acknowledged and that they’re helping everyone through grieving Old Woman Josie’s death
  • The tiny city being gone i guess means that Night Vale is more stable now which is good
  • CECIL CALLING STEVE HIS “BEST FRIEND AND BROTHER” WAS AMAZING HE’S GROWN SO MUCH I’M SO PROUD OF HIM
  • Cecil talking about his marriage and about Carlos and calling Carlos his husband and just Carlos in general I love these two
  • “he just wanted an excuse to talk to me” my h e a r t
  • also I think because of the novel and the fact he brought of becoming “too complacent” and also because he hasn’t had too much development yet this year is going to have a lot of Carlos in it which would be Amazing
  • also I think the City Council might have more of an antagonistic role this year???? they were upset about the acknowledgement of angels and still refuse to open the dog park which leads me to believe they might try to stop Night Vale from evolving as a community. That also means Tamika will probably be pretty prominent as well which would be cool
  • I also think the Desert Otherworld might come back due to the fact that the scientists are studying The House that Does Not Exist again

(p.s my thoughts on the next episode might be late)

Time Travel as a past and future plot device in WTNV

Like everyone else who listened, my first reaction to the latest episode was “ow, my heart.” Then, I started thinking about what the arc could possibly be for this season. Is it possible that the key is time travel? And how does time work in Night Vale anyway?

Well, as Carlos discovered in his first year in Night Vale, it doesn’t. 

Which makes the question - how does time NOT work in Night Vale.

1. Personal experience of time

Characters in Night Vale age at different rates, and their memories about it are fuzzy. Cecil is apparently over a hundred years old (as of [Best of?], and he is deeply uncomfortable whenever Earl Harlan brings up the fact that they can’t remember how old they are. However, old woman Josie was shown to age normally. Earl was nineteen for decades, and then became middle aged. Jackie Fierro has been nineteen for who knows how long. Lee Marvin has always just turned 30. The University of What it is suggests that Carlos’s timeline could be funny too. 

The main way this could be used is in revealing memories. Cecil’s past is, I think, likely to be revealed slowly, not as a major plot arc. However, I think we will definitely be hearing more about how relative ages affect people in Night Vale. 

The whole town also has a personal experience different from the outside world. Places that exist don’t, places that don’t exist do. The 30s were a time of prosperity in Night Vale and a time of depression outside. However, there is evidence enough that our world does exist, somehow. 

2. Communication and knowledge, past and present

In History Week, Cecil reports on the future history of the town as though it is fact. He states that as of 2052, there will have been no mayor in Night Vale for 30 years. Which means that in 2022, 7 years away, something happens. 

Dana’s experience in the Dog Park was another example of this. She and Cecil could never seem to communicate at the same point in time. Also, when she was in  desert, she saw herself in the future as someone important (presumably she saw herself as mayor). Her family also saw her, and she remembered the incident and interacted with herself (so that won’t cause some horrible world ending paradox). 

The Museum of Forbidden Technologies also has multiple time travel machines, some not invented yet. Time travel was legalized in the time period of the show. (I point out these machines because the first episode of the season was a successful heist. And because that would be awesome) 

Of course, the use of a time travel plot will depend on one key question…

3. Closed Loops vs Alternate Timelines

Most time travel falls into these two categories. Today, we seemed to get an example of a closed loop story. Cecil told Kevin about the rebellion. Kevin sent Daniel. But we already knew about Daniel, and it appears that nothing was changed. Thus, the past was always changed, and no alterations happened. While this can be fun, it does mean that you can’t change what you know happened, just show how it happened and help make it happen. (Think Time Turners in Harry Potter).

However, there is plenty of proof that the other big type of time travel, alternate timelines, can also exist. Stories normally deal with these in one of two ways. The first is the alternate universe, where some divergent event caused a split. There are theories that Desert Bluffs is an alternative of Night Vale. (Think of the Star Trek episode where Spock has a goatee.) 

An example of alternate universes running into each other is Nulgorsk. In one version, the city was destroyed, and Night Vale was about to be destroyed too. In the other, nothing happened. Only Simone Rigadeau remembered both versions.

The other way it is used is creating an alternate timeline. Go to the past, change something, and when you go back, you are in a different future than the one you left, with you being the only one who remembers the change (Think Back to the Future). The Traveler experienced this type of time travel. He claimed he had saved Night Vale before and would again, and that he couldn’t return to his future as he knew it.

If I had it my way, this last one would be what I would want to do. Cecil says there is no use thinking about what could have been, but it is possible to change it. Steal a time machine, or have Carlos make one. A lot of people want to save Kevin. I want to go one step further.

It’s possible. All the methods are there to find out what they need to know and change it.

Let’s save Desert Bluffs. 

More Random Sentence Starters
  • "I'm just saying, that bird looks a hell of a lot like Thor."
  • "Who told you you were allowed to use my computer? How did you even figure out my password? There's no way in hell you just guessed 'wreckmejustinbieber' all on your own."
  • "I reject the notion that I could ever be too old for Pokemon."
  • "I'm pretty sure that's a sign that you need a new bra."
  • "Can I adopt your dad?"
  • "If I'm ever in a coma, it's going to be your job to read me bedtime stories every night. And if you ever read me anything other than The Chronicles of Narnia, I'll die just so I can haunt you."
  • "Fuck you, Santa's real."
  • "It smells like death and regret; I would sooner kiss you than put my tongue on it."
  • "My cat said I can't go out with you this weekend, so it looks like you're flying solo."
  • "I was going to kiss him, but then my friend texted me about going to Taco Bell, and, well, there's this cashier that works there who is way cuter, so I bailed on the rest of the date."
  • "I would literally fight you for the last Oreo. To the death if it's double stuffed."
  • "Is it okay that I replaced his lube with hot sauce or did I over-react a little?"
  • "I want a really big bag of Cheetos or a sword sharp enough to kill a man—I'm not too picky."
  • "Why are you such a nerd?"
  • "My sister warned me about people like you, people who are always asking for tampons but never seem to have any to spare when you need one."
  • "I call eternal dibs on every copy of Twilight ever. I want every single copy in existence. All of them. Give them to me now."
  • "If your name was Pikachu I wouldn't even choose you."
  • "Does your dad know that he raised a furry? Does he feel deep shame for it?"
  • "Sherlock your way out of my house."
  • "She called her dog a whore so I kidnapped it to give it a better home, so this is your brand new, sorta stolen dog. If you call it anything other than fluffy, I will end you. I'm pretty sure it's a she. Also never take it to the park on Third."
  • "This tastes like a bachelor party gone wrong."
  • "I either want to set you on fire or make out with you, I can never tell."

I believe true happiness does exist but humans will never feel it because I’ve seen dogs let loose in a park and I guarantee no human has ever felt as happy as those dogs are